Help! How to Meet Men???

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m 23yrs old and I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve never had sex and I didn’t experience my 1st kiss til I was 22. There is a reason behind this. But not one most would fully understand. I’ve suffered with social anxiety my entire life, and its made it damn near impossible for me to form relationships with ppl. Before anyone says, “go see a therapist”. I already have. I no longer go bcus I realized I was spending way too much money for something I felt like i could’ve did all on my own.

I get alot of men who try talking to me at my job (I’m a cashier). But it’s always something. Too old, not old enough, too ghetto, not attractive. Then when I DO see a man I’m attracted to, I later find out he’s married, has a girlfriend, a kid. Or sometimes I realize I just don’t like his personality all that much. I don’t even know how to choose a man. I even suck at choosing them as friends. Most the ones I thought were cool, respectful, turned out to be the opposite.

But more about the guy I had my 1st kiss with… He’s married. Please don’t judge me for it. I didn’t have a boyfriend (I know that’s not a valid excuse). I had absolutely NO experience with men. And he was there, always flirting with me. And I was attracted to him, physically at least. Basically, I just wanted to use him as practice. Bcus like I said, I had never kissed a man. I had never even hugged a man; only a friendly hug where the lower body isn’t touching lol. He was married, I had NOTHING in common with him, I couldn’t even think of 2 many conversations we could talk about bcus we had completely different views, morals and interests. I wasn’t even all that attracted to him physically, well, initially (he was just ok). I figured he’d be the perfect 1 to gain a little experience from. Wrong wrong wrong! I didn’t think I’d get attached to him.

He eventually stopped working with me, and I haven’t felt happy since. I wasn’t all that happy even when i was working with him. But at least I felt like I had SOMETHING to look forward to. I never told him i was a virgin or anything like that (though he may’ve sensed it. Idk, alot of ppl do). Sometimes he’ll call me, just to see if he can come over to my house. But I always turn him down, bcus I don’t wanna be someone he just sleeps with while his wife is away. He doesn’t even know I’m still a virgin. He would’ve been disappointed anyway. lol. The thing that used to upset me is that, he always blocked his number when he called me. But I knew his old number, when i worked with him. He didn’t even want me to have a way to contact him? I always check on his facebook page. And I recently I found out him and his wife are seperated. They were together just a week ago. And THAT quick he’s found someone else? And when I say found someone else, I don’t mean casually dating. I mean, posting pics of them kissing, saying he loves her. And I’m just like, what!? He didn’t do all that for his wife! But I’m guessing it’s bcus he has no place to stay now, and he’s just using her for whatever he can get from her. And he has to play the part, ya know. You don’t fall in love with someone THAT quick. Come on now. I know he’s just using the other woman. Bcus that’s the type of person he is. But despite knowing this about him, part of me still wants to be with him. I guess it’s bcus he’s the closes thing I’ve ever had to a boyfriend, so I can’t forget about him that easily. Part of me constantly wonder why he chose her and not me. Why he didn’t even want me knowing his number but got that close to her. I keep wondering, what would’ve happened had i let him come over those times he asked? Guess I’ll never know… As stupid as it may sound, I felt happiest when I was around him (i never told him though), and as stupid and pathetic as it may sound, part of me would rather feel some kind of love & happiness, even if it isn’t real, than to feel nothing at all.

I know i need to forget about him. But how? I can’t even seem to find men I’m even attracted to or interested in to even do that. And if i DO, 90% of the time they’re already with someone! Where the hell do I meet men at anyway (other than while I’m at work)??? Do I just go to the grocery store, the mall, McDonalds, or walk up the street and wait for men to approach me and just give my number to the 1st man I’m remotely attracted to???

Sorry for making this so long. It’s just that I feel so alone and frustrated. I don’t have anyone else I can talk to about this, w/o feeling embarrassed at least. I wasn’t too concerned about this when I was younger. But I’m not getting any younger! Most ppl my age have families of their own, had their 1st boyfriend at like 13. I’m like a decade behind! And it makes me soooo depressed, u don’t even understand. I just feel like I’ll be alone forever. I’ll never have a family and I;ll be miserable for the rest of my life. I don’t see a point in being on this earth if most of my time here is spent feeling alone and depressed

2

Do you have any interest in going out to clubs or bars? People say that’s a horrible way to meet people but it’s not really. A lot of the same people you could meet at the grocery store also go to bars sometimes, so what difference does it make which place you meet him at?

Also you could try Craigslist or a dating site. If you do, write something very descriptive about yourself and what you’re looking for. Tell them if they respond they need to write more than two lines. Still most respondents will ignore that and write something like “sup call me <number>” and nothing else, but there will be some that know how to follow instructions. If you want to meet someone who is looking for something serious then eHarmony is the best for that, but I wouldn’t really recommend it until you get a little more experience.

As for the guy you kissed, just don’t worry about it. Don’t talk to him, but don’t worry about the fact that you’re still fixating on him. That will go away eventually. My little sister is like this. She thinks she has to find a way to make herself stop WANTING to talk to a guy she’s trying to get over, but that’s not true. You can want to do something and still not do it, and just know that the feeling will diminish in time.

Common advice on meeting people is also to join a group or club of some kind, but I’ve never tried that because I’m not the joining type and since you have social anxiety you might not be either.

Do you have girl friends who know men they could introduce you to? It doesn’t have to be something high pressure like a blind date, just hanging out.

Finally, some guys will like that you’re a virgin.

3

Welcome to the SDMB, saralee504!

I’m going to move your thread to our advice-giving forum, IMHO, where I’m sure people will be along soon to put in their two cents’ worth.

Again, welcome – enjoy your time here.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

4

I didn’t date until I was almost 21, yet I’ve been married for over twenty years now, so don’t panic. I met my husband in college. Is it possible for you to take a course in something? (In any case, further education might help you find a better job than you have, or help you move up to management, even if you don’t meet the right guy.)

Also, I recommend you not be too judgmental about the guys who seem interested in you. Chances are you won’t marry any of the first few guys you date, but you can learn how to relax when you talk to them, etc. And who knows? You might find out the guy who “looks too young” is older than you think, etc.

5

You need to re-evaluate your criteria. This makes it sound like you may have an unrealistic standard.

Certainly skip past the married/attached, but no man, certainly at around your age, is going to be everything you think you’re looking for. Be open to going out with practically anyone. The point of dating is getting to know a person, and if you’ve never really dated before, you’re likely going to go through a lot of duds. This is normal. Again, no one is going to be perfect, it’s a matter of weighing pros and cons; you have to be able to see past at least a few flaws no matter what.

And if this

is who you are attracted to, clearly you need to completely start over from scratch, because that kind of thing is just setting you up for a lifetime of failure and heartbreak. If you are really this lonely and desperate, you need to open up the possibilities beyond the “attractive.” Decent guys are everywhere, and a vast majority of them are not going to look like underwear models.

…and since this is the SDMB, sorry, I’ll save someone else the bother and nitpick your “ppl” and “bcus” abbreviations; you write a 1000 word post and you can’t be bothered with 7 extra letters? Sorry. Someone was going to do it, and it was my turn. :wink:

6

There’s a good chance that the reason that guy is suddenly all lovey dovey with that other woman so quickly is because he was cheating on his wife with her. It sounds like he is the kind of guy who would be a cheater and doesn’t have much respect for women. I promise you that someday you will be thankful that you never let things go any further with someone like that. Guys like that are not worth the trouble they cause.

You have plenty of time to find someone and have a family, so try not to let that cause you to settle for someone who is totally not suitable just to have someone. Often people who get married very young are more likely to end up divorced, so don’t think that the people who got married faster than you necessarily are better off than you.
Remember, you can’t change other people, so if you see that a guy has red flags indicating trouble, don’t try to convince yourself that you can fix him or change him.

Have you ever tried online dating? I think online dating is a great way to meet people if you’re shy. Back when I was single, I met some pretty good quality guys online. Sometimes good guys have trouble meeting girls because they are shy too. Other guys have trouble finding women because of superficial things that really aren’t a big deal (like not having a lucrative job or being a little shorter than average). I’ve often found that those guys who have small “flaws” can be very good dates - because they’ve had a hard time getting attention from women, they tend to treat you well when you do give them a chance. You definitely want to stay away from people who have character defects (such as dishonest cheaters) but people who aren’t quite perfect in the superficial ways can be great people to date.

7

Just a couple of things;

Don’t you find it a little hypocritical that you don’t want to be judged for kissing a man you knew was married, at the same time you’re harshly judging him for finding another lover so quickly?

I’m going to judge you, shouldn’t go hand in hand with ‘don’t judge me’.

Most people your age, don’t write ‘ppl’ ‘2’ ‘bcus’, etc. If you’d like to be taken seriously, I’d suggest you step up to adulthood and drop the teenage phrasing. If it comes across when you write I’d be willing to bet you come off as ‘teenagerish’ in other ways as well. A married man seeks out an inexperienced teenagerish girl, blocking his number and moving on at the first opportunity. If you don’t want to be victimized again, quit with the teenagerish junk and own your damn adulthood. Start with grammar and spelling.

8

These men are probably not your best dating prospects. Try to meet guys socially. Not necessarily at a club or bar. If you’re active in a hobby or in volunteering, then go out and meet other people who share the same interest. If you’re not, then FIND some kind of hobby, or volunteer. If you’re religious, go to church. Talk to EVERYONE, even the women. Women have brothers, you know, and cousins and even male friends. But if you’re just going to work and coming home and flopping in front of the TV, you aren’t going to meet many people. Even internet dating sites will require some effort on your part.

9

From what you seem to be saying, you have difficulties in initiating a relationship. And you’re not real happy with the kind of men who are initiating relationships with you.

So maybe you should consider a third option. Have somebody else act as a neutral third party. Get the word out to your family and friends that you’re interested in dating. Let them set you up on some blind dates with men they think would be compatible with you.

And don’t worry. Twenty-three is still young even if it feels like life has passed you by. It may seem that everyone you know is married and has children but the reality is the average age for women getting married is 26.5. Plenty of people your age are still single.

10

You are fixating on your trial kisser because this is what your body is biochemically and emotionally primed to do. You need to involve yourself with more men and that feeling will quickly waft way.

If you have social anxiety and have no female support system re a group of girlfriends you go out with or similar you may have some difficulty as girlfriends provide a feeling of safety and social buffering when going out, and are an important conduit for introducing young women to pre-screened new men.

In my experience (as a man) going to clubs, libraries, supermarkets etc. by yourself hoping to catch the eye of a potential Mr. or Ms. Wonderful is not likely to have useful results. It may be different for women.

Going to bars is a bit different as it is quite possible to meet interested men. If you have social anxiety I would suggest a glass or two of your preferred alcoholic beverage before engaging flirt mode. If you have a girlfriend I would strongly suggest going with her.
Online dating is definitely your best bet. Try not to get involved with someone who is at a considerable distance from you current location as long distance relationships are fraught with problems. It’s a simple procedure. Post an attractive photo. Maybe one showing some discreet curves if you’re curvy. You will be covered up with responses. Screen out the goofballs and respond to those you find interesting. Choose a local restaurant for an initial lunch date, and see if you like the way he presents himself and take it from there whether to go on a second date.

DO NOT leap into the first likely candidate. Go on several dates to get a feel for the possibilities.

I would strongly suggest you go on birth control of some kind. Condoms are not 100% and neither is personal behavior with a few drinks inside you.

11

Find a nice local cafe in the area and go there at about the same time on the same days - read a book or magazine or take your laptop, whatever. Have your coffee and stick around for about an hour each time.

Eventually you will start to see the same people and they will notice you and it is a good, neutral area to meet people who like to go out (hence they go to a cafe regularly) but are not aggressively looking to hook up (like at a bar or online dating).

I use this suggestion when I hear people are moving to a new town/city/country - it is a quiet place to meet people, observe them over time (that guy reads a lot of sports magazines and is fit, or that guy reads a lot of science magazines and studies a lot) and you start to get to know them enough to nod and smile and maybe say hello.

This is a slow way to meet people, but once you become a regular of sorts, it makes a real introduction a lot easier. Not to say you can’t meet flakes in those places, but you can at least start a conversation there and meet occasionally there until you feel comfortable enough to perhaps go out to dinner or a movie or whatever.

12

Sara,

You say “Too old, not old enough”. When does “tool old” begin and when does “not old enough” end?
Also, thanks for using paragraphs. These kinds of OPs usually consist of one block of text.

13

Hey, blackberry. Thanks for responding. I’ve only been to a bar or club twice in my life. I don’t really care for them because it makes my anxiety like 10X worse (unless I’m drinking). I never thought about meeting a man at a bar lol. Was always told it’s a bad idea because men don’t go to bars or clubs looking for girlfriends. But I guess you’re right in a sense, people don’t go to school, grocery stores or malls to meet partners. That’s just where they happen to meet. I think that’s the problem. I don’t get out enough. And I don’t have girlfriends who can introduce me to men they may know. But thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

14

OKC.

15

I don’t intentionally set unrealistic standards. Like any man who talks to me has to be at least 6feet and built like an athlete. I mean, no, I don’t want a man who’s old enough to be my father or grandfather. Nor do I want to date a 17 or 18 year old boy at 23 and feel like a cougar. I don’t think I’m being too picky about that. I’ve met men who had likable personalities and still looked decent looking. I just didn’t look at them in a sexual way, for whatever reason. And it wasn’t because they were ugly to me. Not sure if it’s because I’m not allowing myself to be attracted to them or what. Anyway, thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

16

Your first mistake may be wanting to use someone for practice, because as you see it came back at you. You would probably not want to be used for practice, so start by treating others as you would want to be treated.
Figure out what you are interested in that brings people together, for example: classes, art or music workshops, political causes, performances, etc.; and go to these gatherings for your own interests, and not just because you will more likely will find others who will share them.
Also, you seem very needy and people pick up on that, and it is not an attractive characteristic.

17

Just go out and practice smiling. Go walking anywhere - mall, park, museum - and practice smiling at people. Go by yourself and call it smile therapy. Make a goal that the first time you go, you’ll smile at 2 people. Doesn’t matter if they are male or female. The next time, smile at 3 people and say hello to one.

A really good time to do this is during the week you are ovulating. Women tend to be a little more open and adventurous during this time and you may not feel as socially anxious. The more you practice, the easier it gets and you will find that eventually you can be comfortable anywhere, and have conversations with lots of people.

You are not looking for a boyfriend, you are focusing only on smiling and feeling good and greeting people.

The rest will happen.

18

Try to meet “friends” not necessary just “men”, so that means sometimes going to coffee with someone that you may not find super perfect at first blush, but maybe the have a brother, or cousin, or someone that is perfect for you.

Also, join a club, or team. I don’t know what town you are in, but everyplace has rec league type stuff - yes it’s going to require you to get out of your comfort zone, but them’s the breaks. Join something sporty and see what shakes loose after practice over wings and draft.

19

I don’t even have girlfriends to go out with… I’ve experimented with online dating in the past. But I deleted the account after 2 days. I got a lot of responses. But I just couldn’t do it. I started feeling embarrassed about even being on there. What if one of the men on the site recognized me at my job and said something like, "hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?
Me: Ummm… I don’t think so?
Guy: Remember we were chatting on match.com?.. I knew I remembered your face from somewhere!

Some of the men who would contact me seemed like they had so much personality and so much going for themselves (at least their profile made it seem that way), and i’d just be thinking to myself, “why the hell are they even talking to me?”
And then they wanted to know what I liked doing for fun, or why I was even on the site given that I was fairly attractive looking… I had the hardest time responding both questions.

Plus, I knew I’d eventually have to eventually meet them in person. And I just couldn’t do it. My worst fear? They’d think I was weird, inexperienced and boring. And then my mind would start conjuring up even crazier thoughts. What if this isn’t really the person i met on the site? What if I meet them in person and they try to rape me or kill me?.. I guess that was my way of trying to hide from the fact that I was just too chicken to go out on a date with them.

I may give it another try, though. Thanks for your input, though. I really appreciate it!

20

This is quite unlikely, but I suppose it could happen. And if it does, so what? I mean, the guy wouldn’t have met you on match.com or wherever if he didn’t also have an account there, right?

I mean, I guess it could get awkward if the chat went horribly wrong or something, but unfortunately awkwardness is not really unusual when you’re trying to meet people and form romantic relationships. You just need to get used to it.