I just came home from the bar. Its 12:30 am Friday night. I talked to people I didn’t know, and it didn’t bother me at all. Somebody even bought me a brewski. But why, oh why, can’t I hit it off with a lady? I am never going to get anywhere it seems. I talked to several attractive ladies.
I have gotten beyond my shyness, and started talking to women. Let me emphasize, I TALK to them, not as in blatantly “hit on” them. I made conversation and kept it clean and casual. No luck. I met some nice people but that’s it. I made sure I did not convey any desperation whatsoever. I didn’t even use any sexual innuendo of any kind, and I never use lines. Maybe I am “too much” of a gentleman? I don’t know. I know I should be patient but dammit, I need some human interaction!!! Its been nearly four years! I didn’t try “too” hard, or too little.
What’s even more troubling is the fact that a few of the women I talked to, seemed, shall we say, “easy?” One in particular I was interested in hooked up with a dude and I saw them kissing about 45 minutes later. They didn’t know each other prior. I’m not sure I would want a woman like that anyway.
damn damn damn! damn me for having standards! damn me for having morals! damn me for being a gentleman! damn me for being old fashioned! damn me for wanting something more than just a cheap sexual thrill. damn me for caring! damn damn damn! The saying is true, “Nice guys finish last”, or in my case, never it would seem.
Bars are a weird place to meet people. I mean, how do you wind it up at the end of the night? You ask for their number, which many women would be reluctant to give to a relative stranger. Or you get down and dirty right away, which doesn’t sound like your thing. Back in my bar days I found it only worked when someone was a regular that I saw week after week and chatted with a bit at a time. I found parties were also better–you always assume the guy knew somebody, so he wasn’t as much a stranger.
Also: (and you may not want to hear this) there is something about a person (guy or girl) who is hoping to meet someone that just oozes something. Something needy or desperate or overeager. It really sets off the radar and can make an otherwise great person seem scary. The very fact that you’re hopeful might be killing your chances.
If I were you, I’d continue to be creative about ways/places to meet people. It may take time, but I think you’ll meet better people, under less pressured circumstances. Your personal ad could be a good start. Volunteering is another. Maybe a book club?
I’m not a master here, but I can point out a few things.
A bar isn’t a good place to look for someone because:
a) You’re drinking. You’re drunk.
b) The lights are down low
c) Anyone willing to come home with you probably isn’t
someone you want to be with.
As well as those reasons, a bar is a very public place. Try casually asking someone to go for coffee, so you can get a more one-on-one type of experience. Find out who they are.
Unless, of course, you’re just trying to get laid. In which case, stick to the bar and be a little more forceful.
I don’t think that is the case though.
Good luck! I have to start thinking of these things pretty soon as well. I’m starting to feel the pangs of the lack of female companionship (long-term relationship ended recently).
Use sexual innuendo! It’s fun and tells woman that you are a bit more interested in them than for just a conversation.
Pick a distinctive trait and complement them on it profusely!
“That is the sweetest giggle I’ve ever heard!”
“I love your hair. It’s the color of hot embers.”
Then take a chance with something a little bit stronger (you may have to work up to it). Caution: Not to be used as a first line!! You must have already established a rapport.
“I wonder if your lips taste as sweet as your smile.”
Touch them. Don’t handle them, touch them. Put your hand on her fore-arm as you make a conversational point. Place your hand at the small of her back (Not on her ass!) as you walk her to the bar.
Finally, escort her to the door and bid her a good night. Ask her, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, for her phone number AND CALL HER THE NEXT DAY!
Though nothing is guaranteed, this should give you a good start.
I feel your pain. Sadly, I cannot offer any advice, since I find that I am in the same situation, and every bit as confused about the whole thing.
I, too, am a terminally nice guy. I cannot comprehend falling in love with someone who is not my best friend. Unfortunately, that means I get stuck at ‘friend’ every single time. That, and the fact that I am far too shy for my own good, probably means I will be alone for the rest of my life.
No matter. I am happy with who I am. I am slowly getting to the point where I am comfortable with the above fact. At least, if I keep telling myself that, I might believe it…
I agree bars are bad for meeting the opposite sex if you want something beyond a roll in the hay…which is my case exactly… I want a roll in the hay, with the CHANCE (not expectation, but chance) of it actually going somewhere. That’s not likely to happen in a bar situation.
I have a lot of local female friends online whom I have talked with for a long time and they aren’t interested. They all have the “You are like a brother to me, I can’t date you” attitude! arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
I am too f@#$%ing nice, that is all there is to it. I have had many people tell me so. I don’t mean “too nice” as in being easy to walk all over, I mean “too nice” as in being a compassionate, honest, sincere human being when it comes to people I care for and am interested in. I am also one who is not afraid to express my emotions, a trait which many people lack.
I have a heart, mind, body, and sould, and I want to share all of these with a woman, not just a slice of the pie. As I said, I don’t have high expectations. I just want a chance, but I seem to be rolling snake-eyes instead of sevens. I am not going to change who I am. I like me, and if someone doesn’t like me for me, then they aren’t worth it anyway.
I don’t feel I literally “need” someone, but sure as hell want someone. I am happy with myself, and I want something better for myself than solitude.
Not to be critical or anything, but it truly doesn’t pay to cast your bait in a cesspool when you’re hoping to land a keeper.
Seems to me there’s an issue of focus here. If ya wanna get your ashes hauled, then that’s your goal. (One word: prophylactics.)
If you’re looking for companionship, mental stimulation and heart comfort, then you may just be trolling in the wrong body of water. Liquid. Whatever. Don’t elaborate, I truly don’t want to know.
If the crucial points of contact are drunks throwing up on your shoes, the godawful music blaring in the background, and/or psychodramas amplified and played out by liquor…well, pretty much dictates outcomes, hmmmm?
Forgive the painfully folksy wisdom, but odds are ya ain’t gonna land nuthin’ that isn’t native to the waters you fish in.
MSK, I, for one, wouldn’t want you to change. Be yourself, and the rest will follow. As for always ending up as ‘just a friend’, let me say this. I became best friends with a guy, we hung out together all the time, he was my buddy, my confidante, my sounding board, we told each other all our secrets, laughed at the same jokes and all that.
We’ve been married now for 21yrs, still going strong. It can happen. Don’t give up; either on yourself, or on ‘that special someone’.
For what it’s worth to you, if I was single, and lived nearby and met you, I’d date you in a heartbeat. And I don’t do one-nighters; if it got to that point between us, it’d be because I cared about you a lot. My point is hang in there, keep trying, and it will happen. Some day, some time, somehow.
Mauve Dog, I’d say the same to you. And I echo what the others have already said. <Well, except for MysterEcks. ;)>
Other than the bartender and other staff, just about everybody in a bar is there for pretty shallow reasons. Have a few drinks, maybe get a buzz on, have some laughs, shoot some pool, dance a bit, flirt with a hottie or two, maybe hook-up. Not very many are there to have meaningful conversations about whether Jews believe in evolution, or if Ronald Reagan was a great president, and fewer still are there to form deep, committed relationships.
If all you want is a roll in the hay, bars are the right place, but you probably need to lower your standards (and I don’t mean in the physical appearance department, but rather the ‘person and personality as a whole’ department). Of course, while you wouldn’t mind a roll in the hay, you’re also looking for something longer lasting. You’re not going to find that in a bar, more than likely.
**Cranky ** had it right…join a club or other group whose focus interests you. Even if none of the members of the group are a match for you, they may have friends or relatives that may be the one.
I flirted big time online, found a wonderful older woman online who knew what my problem was (after one ex, I seriously hated women.) and helped me work through it.
I was a more optimistic flirt when I met my future wife months later. My wife, was coming off one of those classically bad relationships, and determined to find someone worth the effort. We collided and we are still writing the history.
I think the reason giving up works well, is that if you do, you do put pressure on yourself or anyone else. You’re just there, and yourself. Flirting, as much fun as it is, involves a lot of covering up and misdirection (IMO). Some people don’t lie to themselves well, and it shows. Relaxing and giving up lets others see you as you are.
Course, this could all be BS, but hey, it’s an opinion!
Good morning… that’s the whole thing. I wasn’t putting on a mask, I was just being myself. I don’t play the games that most do. As far as “giving up” goes, well, as I said, I did nothing of any sort to convey that I was “fishing”. All I did was talk to people and had a good time, by myself. I was happy, I was smiling.
As far as clubs and organizations go: I signed up for some volunteer work at the animal shelter just blocks near my home. They have not called me back. Living where I do, there are no clubs, such as book clubs, bicycling clubs, and so on. I have looked into this type of stuff. All we got around here is crap like Knights of Columbus, Masons, etcetera.
About the ONLY thing I could possibly join (locally), would be a health and fitness club, which is something I don’t have the money or time for, or I might do so.
I have no idea what to do. Oh yeah, having erotic dreams all night didn’t help the matter any either. Sure, I could break down and have a one nighter, but I think my conscience would get in the way and haunt me. Just for the record, ol’ Rosie and 5 sisters are no damn fun anymore. A date with Rosie is like trying to put out a raging forest fire with an eyedropper full of water.
If all this is pathetic, I don’t give a damn. I am human and I have feelings and desires. Ok, that’s enough ranting for the day.
I have to second purplebear’s comments. I am also married (12 years) to a man who was my friend first.
There are women out there who are too smart for the “but you’re my friend; you can’t be my lover” mindset. Keep true to yourself. You sound like a perfectly wonderful person.
Is there a nearby hospital where you could do volunteer work? Or maybe a public library?
If you feel a bar is your only shot, look for women who arrive in a group. Often enough, there will be at least one member of that group who is uncomfortable with the bar scene but went along with her buddies. Try talking to that one–it will be fairly obvious which one it is. Do not approach her if you are drunk and/or slurring your words. If she liked drunks, she wouldn’t be uncomfortable in a bar.
Don’t try using any “lines,” just be natural–not too eager but certainly not disinterested. Listen to her!! Pay attention to what she says!! Remember what she says!!
Remember this: when someone says “so and so is a good conversationalist,” what they are really saying is that so and so is a good listener. Any fool can talk and most do. People who listen are rare.
As someone said, invite her out for coffee “afterwards.” If she will not abandon the group, ask if you may call her sometime. If she says yes, call and ask her to meet you for coffee, brunch, lunch, whatever. If she seems interested but fearful of meeting you alone, as her to bring a friend.
If she says no, what have you lost? If she meets you, offer some compliment on her clothing, her hair, whatever, but don’t fawn and don’t be over eager. Be attentive. When the meeting (date) is over, tell her how much you enjoyed her company and ask if you may call her again. And do not fail to call if she says you may. And always remember the title of an old song: “Little Things Mean a Lot.”
There you go, lessons learned during a long life. No charge.
No guarantees, either.
About two years ago I joined an evening course for climbing, camping and outdoorsy stuff. Always enjoyed mountains and life away from the city so I thought it might be fun. On the first night of the course I walked into the classroom and was the 12th to arrive. I was the second male – even the teacher was a woman. Over the following weeks – and as the class turned disconcertingly into a knitting circle - it became clear that most of the women had joined because they thought it would be brim full of aspiring lumberjacks. First rule: Don’t go to flower arranging classes, they’re all full of men.
Notwithstanding vebs’ illustrative liquid based metaphor’s, I never felt all women in bars were at the microscopic end of the food chain. It’s just the only environment where the rules of the game are clear. Trying to meet people in every day life is not easy……are they married, how to start off a conversation, will they think I’m a nutcase for trying to talk to a stranger, what do I want from them, are they safe….how often have women here given their phone number to someone spoken to for just a few minutes - unless you met them in a place where the number thing was part of the deal ? It’s bloody hopeless.
The bar is an ugly, very direct singles market where all manner of approaches to life and love congregate but I do suspect most people in their (very) late 20’s and up would pretty much echo the sentiment expressed here. I suggest sticking with it but trying to spot the non-active, cringing behind the flower display while staring at their feet brigade – look for the non-bar people. And then try an honest and vaguely humorous non-bar intro line.
But that’s easy for me to say. I just stare at the comp and keep telling myself to go to the tennis club, the gym and join some computer type evening courses. Giving up is pretty good fun but we’re all beasts of the field and it just gets a little boring sleeping alone – best to get an extra monitor, slap on a little lippy and put it on the other pillow. Don’t plug it in. Yet.
Take a second look at Chiefs post. I must admit, it would work with me. And I met my last husband in a bar, although I was working there. MSK, stop by the Vegas meeting, I’m sure you can find a sympathetic lady or two…
There’s a middle ground between blatantly hitting on a woman you’ve just met and being a “good conversationalist”. The whole point of striking up a conversation with a woman is to find out if:
you like her
you can stand spending time vertically with her
you’re interested in spending time horizontally with her.
The only other thing is does is introduce yourself a a non ax-murdering insane person. Period.
It sounds to me (though there’s a lack of details) that you’re only doing the conversation part of it. At some point, you must stick your neck out and become more active and assertive.
“I would really like to get to know you better. Would you like to have coffee after work on Monday?”
“I’m very attracted to you and would like to know if you’re interested in making the sign of the two backed humpalumf.”
Yeah, it sucks that you have to make the first move, but the truth of it is that very few woman are that aggressive, and if you don’t start, she won’t follow.
I’m also going to follow up by agreeing with the others that maybe a bar isn’t the best place to be looking for a little. There are no clubs where you live? Well, for heaven sake’s, start one! There are probably dozens of singles who have the same complaint and would love to join up in a new environment.
And please, don’t ever change the gentlemanly aspect of your personality. No, it doesn’t make finding a casual one nighter any easier, but it ensures that the quality woman you will one day meet will still be interested in you.
