For God's sake, somebody please help me!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE]
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If you feel a bar is your only shot, look for women who arrive in a group. Often enough, there will be at least one member of that group who is uncomfortable with the bar scene but went along with her buddies. Try talking to that one–it will be fairly obvious which one it is. Do not approach her if you are drunk and/or slurring your words. If she liked drunks, she wouldn’t be uncomfortable in a bar.
Don’t try using any “lines,” just be natural–not too eager but certainly not disinterested. Listen to her!! Pay attention to what she says!! Remember what she says!!

So what bar where you at?? I go to Pardini’s on Shaw Ave (3rd time last Saturday, see arrest me thread) . Women feel the same way you do.

22

purplebear said:

Yeah, well, you probably disagreed with me when I advocated that nuclear strike on Nepal, too.

Now that I’m stone-cold sober (is that a bummer, or what?) I apologize to MSK for my flippant comment early this morning. I’m divorced, and I’m posting to a messageboard on a Saturday night–that tells you all you need to know about mylevel of incompetence with women.

So buck up, MSK–you can always be just like me.

(Hey! Somebody take that razor blade away from him!)

23

And it’s about time you noticed Chief…
step this way, into my lair, and let me show you some REAL sparkles, Sailor.

24

Sorry to disappoint you Mr Ecks, but unlike you, I haven’t given up on women. I never will. It seems the more hurt and ignored by them I become, the more determined I get to find myself a “real” lady. I WILL find one, if I have to try until I die. Cut off my legs, I will find a way to walk; cut off my arms and I’ll find a way to hug; poke out my eyes, I will find a way to see. etc etc

I will not give up, ever! Give me a significant other or give me death!

25

I strongly suspect there are other people in your area who are just as annoyed at the lack of things to do. I wonder, is possible to start something? That’s where my idea ends, I have no clue how to start.

The other thing would be to have some “safe” ideas to throw out there for a future meeting when you’re out at the bar. You know, instead of asking a girl out on a date, ask if she wants to go canoeing. Or spend a few hours with you working on a Habitat for Humanity house. Or joining you and some friends for Pictionary. These things feel safe and appealing to someone your starting to hit it off with.

Some guy asked me to go to sunrise easter services with him the next morning! Talk about surprising the hell out of me. How could I say no to that?

As I said in another thread, I think it’s time to lean on your dog as a way to meet chicks. Is this a butt ugly dog? I can’t believe it hasn’t worked already.

26

MSK, I feel for you. I don’t see how you can fail with that attitude. I’m not sure why you’re having this problem, maybe it’s a “real life” thing. I sure don’t see it from here. I’m serious about Vegas. There will be several of us (at least) that know you online and maybe we can be more help in person. I was widowed five years ago and I have the same feelings. I’m not giving up either.
Let me know if you decide to date middle aged women in Northern California.

27

Same deal here, mate. I’m a social work student, 95% of my course is female so you’d think that one of them would be looking for a nice bloke, but nooooo… they’ve got to go out with the dickheads and tell me all about their sex lives when they know I haven’t got one. Bloody discourteous, in my opinion. Oh well…

I too have the words ‘just friends’ tattooed on my forehead. All I can really suggest is that you make your intentions clear from the outset - I’m looking for someone to be with, not a friend. If you’re like me, which from what I’ve read I think you may be, then part of the problem will be that the girls are so happy to find someone who isn’t trying to jump into their pants and who is really nice that they want to keep the relationship and not risk anything. Flattering in one way, f*cking frustrating in another.

You also might have to be more assertive when you ‘put the hard word’ on them… When you say that you want to take the relationship up a level and they say they don’t, apologise and say that you don’t want to just be friends. One reason they want to just be friends is that they want to keep you around… if you tell them that you won’t be around it might make them re-assess the situation. Tough, I know. But no-one ever said that there wouldn’t have to be potential sacrifices. Let me know if this works, I haven’t yet had the guts to try it :frowning:

Another idea might be to get one of the ‘just friends’ girls to set you up with someone. That way everyone will know what game is being played.

Finally, if worse comes to worse… well… there are professionals in this particular area… and something like 75% of men have visited one, so it’s not like it’s uncommon.

I leave you now with the advice my uncle gave me about a month ago - sex is like a bath, the longer it’s been, the more important it is.

I hope that this hasn’t been confusing. I’m suffering from a minor hangover. I was at a Labor party meeting last night, and there was free beer.

28

I don’t know what to do!

From what most have said here, I hear things (of little comfort) I already had known and practiced…

(a) Don’t lower my standards (within reason)
(b) Don’t ever change for anyone else
© Be patient
(d) Do whatever I can, to get out there and mingle

three outta three is all can do. I won’t lower my standards, I won’t change for anyone else, and patience…? Well, depending on how you view it, I am VERY patient, because I haven’t given up. OTOH My entire being is screaming, “Get laid dammit!” lol

To whoever proposed I employ the services of a harlot: All I have to say is, forget it! Any sex one has to literally pay for, isn’t worth having, not to mention no sex in the world is worth getting a STD for. I wouldn’t screw a hooker if I was wearing a Nasa-grade spacesuit!!! (That could be kinda difficult anyway, lol)

I live in a relatively small town. It’s not Mayberry, but it has that sort of “feel” to it. Population here is approx 45-50K. The community here consists greatly of: college kids(seasonal), baby boomers, old folks, and married-family people.

The singles scene here is quite a low percentage. The majority of the existing singles percentage is ages 18 thru about 23. I have no hard statistics to prove this with, but having lived here my whole life, I know the area and community very well.

Moving is not economically possible for me. If I could get out, I’d go! Transience/vagrancy is not an option.

I just spent a few hours surfing the local personals in Love@AOL. What I found was discouraging. It would seem that I am what I call a “blind spot.” What is this blind spot? Well, from what I gather, my age puts me in limbo. Younger women want men whom are younger than I. Older women want men whom are older than I. This leaves me out in the cold. Where the hell is MY age group? I am not being “too picky.”
I couldn’t find diddly-squat. The one I did find who really sparked my interests, states outright in her ad she has a SO and is only looking for friends. Arrrrrgh!

As far as local events, activies, organizations, etc…
We lack much of the above. We have a lot of fitness clubs. There is less than a handful of volunteer organizations. Social clubs available are laughable. For example, I love to write. The “Writers Workshop” as it’s called, meets once a month, for like 2 hours at a time. Sadly, I know of very few other social clubs, as I have researched.

All this leaves left is/are:

(a) meeting people on the job (my job was stolen, grrrr!)
(b) parks, grocery stores, the like (hahaha everytime I go to a park, a very small number of people are there, usually families with kids)
© networking via friends (LOL, my only two friends are highly questionable as friends to begin with. Let them hook me up? Unh-uh)

My brains gonna explode. Chaos, confusion, arrrrgh! For God’s sake somebody please help me!

I apologize for my infinitely long post. You people are the only ones I have to open up to though, and all of which have been nothing but supportive and respectful. I tahnk you. This one of the reasons I love this board so much. If only I could get to a dopefest! sniff sniff sob sob… I am too poor to travel.

29

Losers surf the web for hook ups.
Dudes that get laid/have relationships go out and meet real live women.

30

FYI, I do get out and meet real live women. If you had been paying attention, you’d know that selection of live-outside, or web-based women, is poor in my region. I am trying to cover all possiblities. I must agree, the web is far from ideal for dating. I have had poor success after meeting web-initiated dates. Looking for dates via the net is not a priority, it is a curiosity, one which I choose to explore occasionally. Should the highly unlikely happen, and I meet a great gal via online, it may be worth it. I’m not getting my hopes up or wiating around for it to happen though.

31

Bravo.
But you seem to couch your words so that we are expected to believe:

  1. There is a scarcity of woman in your region;
  2. Those women that are available are not up to your standards;
  3. Those that are available and meet your standards are not interested in you.

Ahem Bullshit.

Get off yer ass and quit the pity party. If a relationship was important to you you’d find one.

Get used to being shot down dude! You’re gonna be. Time after time.
But at least you’ll get a little practice in for when Miss Right comes along.
If you are uncomfortable around woman, reticent to speak with them and fear their response, what the fuck is gona change when you approach Miss Right?

Are you gonna magically relax, speak eloquently and honestly deal with her response.

No yer not. If you approach her at all, you come off as a stumbling fool.

So get out there and talk to women. Ask for dates, even if you’re not looking for a long-term relationship with a particular lady.

Most of all, quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Now, I hope you take this in a construtive fashion. Yes, this is a slap in your face which I hope benefits you in the long run.

You seem like and OK dude. Now go out and show that to the ladies.

32

MagicalSilverKey said:

Well, it helps if you can recognize humor when you see it…

33

Your uncle is a truly wise man…LMAO

34

MSK - sounds like you are trying WAY too hard and women can smell it. I can smell it from 1000 miles away. Listen to the Chief. He knows.

One good way to meet people is to join something or start something that you enjoy doing anyway - volunteering, hiking, biking, tutoring kids, whatever - something where you can meet people who are getting off their asses and getting out of the house. It has to be something you enjoy doing or want to try out - you CAN’T give off the vibe that “I’m here to meet girls. You’re a girl. Will you love me?” or you are dead in the water. It has to be something that allows you to get your mind off yourself. Stop trying and it will come.

35

Okay dude, lay off the napalm there. I get your jist, and I have to admit you’re correct, to a point. A lot of my unsuccessfulness with females, is my own fault. That still doesn’t eliminate the points I made before, of my local region.

As for the self sabotage, I am greatly aware of what these things are, I simply did not voice them. So, to satisfy your “slap-me-in-the-face” attitude, here are a few of the monkey wrenches in the gear works of my manhood:

I am unemployed, as of recently, and actively seeking a new job. (Job loss was not of my own accord, as stated in another thread.)
Therefore my economic resources are very limited. I do not have a problem with doing things on a date that are free. There are many such things I can do and enjoy. That said, and the following simply put: being jobless is emasculating.

Because of the above, I am living at home, instead of my own apartment. I had been looking for apts in papers, the same day I was let go from my job. More emasculation.

These two facts, are my major personality flaws in talking to women. I am currently trying to remedy these flaws. My sense of self security has been taken away. Once I gain employment, this will quickly dissipate.

A few other gear-stoppers, are far less significant:

I desire a mate who has no children. This is where a major drop off in selection comes from. I have dated many single mothers in the past, and I can say with all honesty, that I am not ready to become a role-model, father-figure, or even just a good-buddy to children. Therefore, I respectfully decline dating single moms. I could go into trying to explain my reasoning for this, but that is another thread, all-together. OTOH I have not ruled out single moms 100%. One of them could be “the one” for all I know. I just don’t go deliberately fishing in that lake.

Age matters. I desire a mature mate. Maturity is not measured so much by numbers as personality. If I have a chance to date some girl who I think is terrific in every aspect, but she is immature, then it “aint” gonna happen. I can’t ask anyone to change for me. I am sure there are many young-uns out there who are precocious and date worthy material. FINDING them is the problem. As far as older women are concerned, I have no problem with that. Speaking from real life experience, most older women are interested men their own age or older. I have no control over these things. That doesn’t mean I should give up, it just means looking for needles in haystacks.

All of the above, pretty much is where all my hold ups are. So, Chief Scott, there you have the Straight Dope on what’s holding me back. When I get a new job, the doors of opportunity shall swing wide open, and I will be out there talking to real live women, in person. The selection may still be limited, but I won’t have any insecurities about presenting myself to the available ladies.

And just for the record Chief:
(1)You don’t live where I do. I know my town better than you. Lack of populus of females… negative. Lack of populus of AVAILABLE (single and looking) females… affirmative.
(2)Standards? Only two major standards as noted above. I am not that damned picky!
(3)Only as to present. There are plenty of fish left, just gotta find a good spot to drop hook and anchor. The waters are choppy, so it is gonna take time.

36

Well damn, ChiefScott took the words right out of my mouth!

I’ve been avoiding this thread because that’s exactly what I wanted to say but didn’t want to come off like a bitch (even if I am one). Usually I offer sympathetic advice in threads like this, but for some reason this one just set my blood to boiling.

MSK, you’ve got a lot going for you; you’re attractive, you have morals, you are polite, educated, interesting and friendly. Stop your damn whining because it isn’t going to get you anywhere. Believe me when I tell you that women can smell insecurity coming from 10,000 miles away - and it’s extremely unattractive.

We don’t care that you’re between jobs. We care what you’re doing to change that and what your long-term goals are. You find the available pool of eligible women in your town to be miniscule? You can’t afford to move because you aren’t working? Well get online, dammit, and scour the want ads from newspapers from all around the country and find a company that will pay to relocate you!

Here’s a website that has links to the country’s top 100 newspapers. http://www.interest.com/top100.html Or go to http://www.monster.com or http://www.jobs.com How about registering to do temp work so you are at least earning some money while you’re searching? And use it as an opportunity to be out there interacting, meeting new people and networking for permanent, full-time work. IOW, quit making excuses and do something about it already.

I wish you the best of luck. I know it can be frustrating. Believe me, at 39 and still single, if you don’t think I share some of your concerns, you’re wrong. But neither of us is going to change our circumstances by whining about them.

Now go out and find yourself a job and a wife. You can do it. I know you can!

37

I digress.

38

A splash of ice cold water wakes me up too.

I experienced many of the same problems until I realized,

a) I may not be the most handsome guy in the world, but I sure as hell ain’t the ugliest.
b) Chicks are gonna say “No.” “No, I don’t want to go out with you.” “No, I don’t want to see a movie.” “No, I don’t want to bear your love child.” Once you learn that getting turned down isn’t a condemnation of you and your way of life, you’ll be able to deal with it earier. The first “No” is the toughest.
c) Fuck it. If they don’t want to get to know me, it’s their own damn loss. (This was my mantra for a long, long time)

And finally, I don’t want to hear anything about there not being enough women around. From the age of 20 to 28 I made 5 extended cruises on ships with no women, 1.3% of my fellow “employees” were women, and at one “town” there were 140 women and 2,300 men between the ages of 18 and 25.

I occasionally got laid! 'Cause I went where the women were. I did what the women wanted to do. And I eventualy fell in love and got married.

There’s no way the deck can be stacked that badly against you!

Hey, bud. Hopefully you didn’t take that as a direct attack on you. I’d like to help out. If things are still bad in two months I’ll shoot you aenea’s e-mail address. I have photographic proof she was on her knees at the Raleigh Doperfest!

39

I appreciate everyone’s opinions and am taking them into consideration. Thank you for the advice and points made.

I apologize to all, who have been “irritated,” by this thread. Therefore, I am no longer going to continue to cascade my negative self-observations, nor the status thereof, of said observations. Instead, I am going to go do something about it. Look for a significant drop in my posting as I re-route my time, effort, and focus towards getting a new job, self-improvement, and independance. No one can help me but ME, and no one can help me until I help myself, first.

This is what I want, and I know that it’s you others want for me as well, as voiced in your replies. Looking for/getting a new job, is what will make me happy, and everyone knows that when one is happy with oneself, the rest comes naturally. It’s hard to refrain from complaining, but it’s even harder when one wastes one’s time and energy into complaining. I have better things to do. I didn’t always believe it was possible to turn negative into positive, but I am learning how to so, quite quickly.

As I said before in this thread, I am determined! I’m not going to let this shit get me down. And for the record, I am not angry with anyone here, despite some of you being brutally and abrasively honest. Honestly, I needed a kick the ass, so I thank you. It has been nothing but constructive criticism. Some of you have said I have got balls, well now it’s time to utilize them and the advice I have received.

So, from now on, I will share what I AM doing, instead what I am not doing; and what I have, instead of what I do not have, and so on. Once I do this, (I know how this board works) I am sure that I will receive much more support, and support of a more pleasant nature.

No hard feelings here, folks. See ya around :wink: MSK

40

Woo Hoo - Go MSK!! Now you’re talkin’!

And turnin’ me on, too! There ain’t nothing sexier than a man with confidence. Too bad I’m not Christian or I’d consider scooping you up myself now.

Knock 'em dead, kiddo. I’m telling you you can do it. I’m looking forward to your “Yay - I Got A New Job!” thread.