Help Brian Meet Girls

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m currently a senior in college, and have had miserable luck meeting girls. Obviously, in such a situation, it becomes rather clear where the problem lies (i.e., me). Unfortunately, I have no clue how to address it, and would love some advice for SDMBers.

A common problem for people in similar situations to myself is that they are too picky. I honestly don’t think that’s much of an issue here – I find 95% or so of the women I meet on campus quite pretty, and have fairly broad standards of beauty. While I don’t find people whom are significantly overweight attractive, I have no problem with women that simply have larger frames or are just a few pounds overweight.

One problem I think I run into is that my hobbies, which are the primary ways many people meet females, are the sort that tend to be both rather unattractive, and highly male dominated (unlike football, which is male dominated, but still works as a way to meet women). I’m a member of math club, I like anime, I like most sorts of gaming, etc, etc, etc. I’m sure it isn’t hard to put together why these venues are rather less than ideal. I tried joining political groups on campus, but I found the College Democrats to be disorganized, ineffective, rather uncomitted, and incapable of doing anything actually productive (I’m sure this is only a localized problem). I’m a resolute secularist (though that didn’t stop my grandfather from going to church to meet women), so religious venues are also more or less closed. At the moment, I’m working out and trying to build the endurance to join something like a hiking or bicycling group. Dance parties don’t really work either – I’m terribly uncoordinated, bothered by loud music, and don’t generally drink.

So, anyone have any suggestions for other approaches I should try? I figure countless people have encountered and overcome the same problems I have, and would love to hear suggestions.

Thank you very much! I want this year to be different.

2

Not that meeting women is my area of expertise, but have you tried, say, going up to someone you find attractive before class and asking to borrow a pen, then after class returning the pen and seeing if she might like to get a coffee and go over the lecture, or meet for a study session or something?

3

Oh, Brian, honey. Listen to an old broad for minute, 'kay?

You are probably adorable, but just too insecure. The very first step in meeting all sorts of desirable women (& men) is to realize that you are desirable.

No, really, you are!

Maybe to not to Shopping-Barbie, but to a real live person who will actually relate to you. And sex is not the be-all and End-all of existence. It’s nice, yes, but sometimes getting to the point of getting some is as rewarding as . . . well, actually getting some (Hmmm. need to rephrase that. anyway)

My advice for meeting Miss Real-live-person is …

Introduce yourself. Make acquaintances. :wink:

Ask a classmate for clarification of something in the lecture. If you’re buying Turtlewax, chat up the gal looking at windshield wipers. If you’re waiting in line, make conversation with the lady next to you. Don’t hit on them – just say something nonthreatening. Make fun of the headlines in the grocery store line, comment that the slowness of the line is all your fault, 'cause you always get the slow lane. Mention that you feel sorry for the clerk/cashier, 'cause it looks like they are having a bad day. Self depreciating politeness is good, oh poor pitiful me is not, so use a light touch. Practice on strangers until you get comfortable talking to people (even gorgeous female people) – what are they gonna do? Not marry you?

It will build your confidence, pass the time, and, eventually, some sweet thing is going to ask you if you’d like to get a cup of coffee.

Talk to people who don’t obviously share your interests. Just talk to females – like we’re real people. You’ll be surprised how many friends you get. And one of those friends just might introduce you to - or turn out to be - someone wonderful.

4

It’s a trap!!!111!!!

What?

Seriously, that was good advice.

5

I’m sorry, as I don’t really have suggestions… I’ve always relied on random chance. But, damn! I’ve met some hot nerdy girls who like anime, or video game, or RPG’s, or what have you. And you might wnat to give the democratic group another try. Don’t go to be effective in terms of politics, just go to meet like minded people and hang out. And maybe after the next meeting just say “Hey, anybody want to grab some pizza and a beer?” See who nibbles on the bait. :smiley:

6

I read that as “Not meeting women is my area of expertise”, and thought, “Hey, mine too.”

7

Like Otto, meeting women is not exactly something I have ever had a great desire to do - but probably because of that, I have never had a problem meeting them. Straight guys always wonder how Gay guys like myself have drop dead gorgeous women around them wherever they go.

Most women I know say straight guys just don’t know how to listen. Maybe because I am not sexually attracted, I do listen more. I call them on bullshit, but I also encourage them when they confide in their insecurities. Granted, some of their candid conversations are probably due to the fact they know I will never hit on them.

From casual observation, I find the most successufl straight guys are those who start a conversation with a woman with a comment, not a question. Less threatening.

So next time you see a woman you are interested in, don’t use some stupid pick up line like, “come here often?” Simply say something like, “this place has the best coffee in town.”

8

Here are my suggestions, take them for what they’re worth.

Smile - even if it feels forced and you think you look like a jackass. Let your default expression be a close mouthed smile.

Greet people as if you are happy to see them. Just smile and say “hello”

Don’t worry at all about chatting up anyone, just say hello and if they say more than that back respond.

Go folk/square dancing. Just about every place has some club or something around. The music is soft, they tend to be low key, they spend lots of time teaching beginners, you don’t have to be any good. It will get you moving, touching women, and (hopefully) let you learn to laugh at yourself a little bit.

Look for a reading group/book discussion group/writing group. In my experience these tend to be 5 females to every male in distribution. [If it is a writing group - DO NOT read your essay about sex or any other extremely juicy topic. That wouldn’t go over too well].
And please, please,please - FOR THE LOVE OF OG -please - do not come back on the board to cry about the fact that you’re a “nice guy” who can’t get anyone to give them the time of day while all the assholes get the girls.

9

My suggestion, which may just be superstition:

Give up. At least for the next two months, you are NOT going to meet any potential romantic partner. Don’t give a shit about it, don’t even try, because that ain’t happening. Flirt if you want, or not if you want; but pay attention to other stuff, because for the next two months, paying attention to romance is a dead end for you.

When I was single, I found that as long as I was looking for love, I was pathetic, needy, cringing, and generally unattractive. When I stopped giving a shit about getting into a relationship, I relaxed, smiled, flirted, and was a lot more attractive. But you really have to give up: you can’t just pretend you are. So do it. Give up for a while.

Daniel

10

A concordance, of sorts, from Descartes (1596-1650) “A man can always seduce any woman he wants. He must simply be willing to sit up with her until three O’clock in the morning and listen to her tell her troubles”.

11

MadPansy64 said it all. Talk to anyone. Have no expectations. A friendly 30 second chat is a victory. Engage anyone at all in conversation and see where it goes. If she responds - smiles, laughs, replies; keep on going. If you get no response just head off elsewhere.

I am not looking to pick up anyone (one woman is one more than I can handle) but I had this conversation last week:

I was looking for vegetables to have with dinner and the woman close to me was putting brussel sprouts in a bag.

“Wow brussel sprouts. I haven’t had them for ages. Are they any good at the moment?”

“Yes they are excellent but they are quite expensive, that’s why I only got these,” she said holding up a bag with 4 or 5 brussel sprouts. Obviously she, like me was cooking for one.

“I think I will follow your example. Are the small ones better?”

“Yes, see I got all the little ones.”

“Have you tried them tossed in butter with toasted slivered almonds?”

We talked for a while about food and cooking and then I wandered off. While I completed my shopping we crossed paths twice more and smiled at one another.

I’m sure that I could have introduced myself and said how much fun I’d had talking and got her phone number but the main thing is I wasn’t trying to “pick her up” I was just having fun idly chatting to her.

No doubt I will see her again and we will say hello and that is good enough.

12

Netbrian, if you’re talking about serious relationships (not just one-night stands), don’t approach girls like they’re dangerous savage creatures or goddesses walking on earth. Approach girls as potential friends. That’s it. :slight_smile:

13

Does your university offer 1-credit PE classes? My college offered a whole bunch and some were really fun. Windsurfing! Rapelling! Winter camping! They’re a great way to meet people.

14

It sounds like to me that you’re on your way already, Netbrian. Not that math club and anime aren’t great hobbies (and, as mentioned, you might meet some hot nerdy chicks) but manly sports like rock-climbing and mountain-biking are very attractive to women. Or learn to play guitar. Playing guitar gives any guy automatic hotness points.

That way, when you meet an interesting girl and she asks you what you’re into, you can say, “Well, I’m a klutz on the dance floor but I love my guitar. Say, do you like Hiyao Miyazaki movies?”

15

Gaming isn’t a terrible place to meet girls. I’m a girl and I game. That is, in fact, how I met my significant other.

I was first dragged to the gaming club on campus under the notion of “It’ll be fun. And you might meet a guy.” While my odds of meeting a guy to date at a gaming club are probably better than yours of meeting a girl, when the odds are good, the goods are odd.

Anyway, if there are girls that are unattached, get to know them first. Then ask them to a movie or dinner. And don’t let rejection through you. I spent years too afraid to say anything about dating to a guy because I didn’t want to get turned down. If I hadn’t been so afraid and well, stupid, my boyfriend and I could have been dating almost a year before we did.

16

Okay, I’m sorry for abandoning this thread, but I do want to mention that I read every reccomendation, and tried to apply them.

FinnAgain – Thank you for the suggestion about the campus Democrats. I honestly hadn’t thought of joining them simply for social, rather than political reasons. It’s doubly good, since I doubt I’ll actually be expected to accomplish anything (hence, why I did not even consider the campus Republicans).

I also joined the Harry Potter club on campus on a whim. I was amazed how big it was, and number of females (probably about 60 - 75%) in it. I got sorted into Ravenclaw.

Mississippienne, I realize that masculine hobbies would help, but I’m really not built for that, nor do I enjoy most of them (I really fit better in the mold of a “sensitive” guy, but without the angst). I did used to play trombone, so I suppose some other musical instrument wouldn’t be too hard to pick up. I’m thinking of learning to read Tarot cards, as it seems to be very effective in getting peoples’ attention. My utter disbelief in it will only help me be more rational in coloring the readings.

I realize that gaming and anime aren’t as horrible a place to meet girls as I might of made out, and neither is Math club. And while I’d certainly be open to anyone I met there, and esctatic to find someone that already shared such a strong common interest, I have gathered the impression that I need to branch out.

The comment about “don’t ask questions to put them on the spot” was also very helpful, and not a conclusion I would have come to on my own. I’m working on chatting more people up as I just meet them in various places.

The suggestions about listening are good, but I feel in some ways that it’s something I do well. I have the classic problem of a certain type of guy everywhere where the girls will talk to you until three in the morning about their troubles with all the other guys. I don’t mind it, and they are all excellent friends, but that tends to be how it has worked in the past.

Thanks again for all the help!

17

Sucks, don’t it? :slight_smile: I met this girl in a bar who was a friend of a friend. We talked for a bit and I thought she was cute. A couple days later she came to a party at me house and we talked a couple times that night. Mostly about how she had a huge crush on x boy that the party and how x boy had a crush on y girl (the friend who had introduced us). Fun times.

I have no real advice for you, except don’t be that guy (read that one and like the next three or four. Heck, read the whole thing.). Nobody likes that guy.

18

You sound like my fiance, right down to having the same interests (he’s getting his PhD in Math right now!). Anyhow, he met me on Yahoo!Personals, and I had a lot of luck meeting cool guys on the Onion Personals as well.

It’s easier to meet people with similar interests that way because you can weed out those who don’t appeal to you just by reading their profiles. Also, there is less embarassment if you are rejected, at least that’s how it seems to a lot of people.

Are you looking for a girlfriend, or do you just want to date around and see a few girls and have some fun? Personal sites allow for either, and you should be able to specify what you are looking for anywhere from “just friends” to “serious relationship”.