Beautiful. I could kiss you. With tongue.
frantically hunts for car keys
Ok, here is what I see here. A creepily socially awkward guy with Oneitis who has projected all of his fears and inadequacies onto one girl. In your mind, developing a relationship with this girl will somehow make you a whole person and fill the void left by your inadequate social skills. So you obsess over every facial tick and twitch hoping it’s a sign she will fix your problems (which she won’t). That, my friend, is a short trip to psycho stalker town.
First of all enough with the crazy psycho talk. I would lay odds (no pun intended) that this girl barely knows you even exist and is giving you the polite smiles and nods one gives any weird coworker who makes them uncomfortible.
Second, I didn’t see at any point in your long ramblings where you actually talked to this girl over the past six months. I think the first thing you want to do is at least establish some sort of casual pleasentries with someone you see every day. “Morning”. “How’s it going?” “You look tired, are you feeling ok?”. That sort of shit. If you go up to a girl and be like “I really like you and think we could have something special together” you are going to freak her the fuck out.
None of this “exchange numbers” shit. So you can what? Not call the same girl you don’t talk to all day at work? Just go up to her and be like “hey. Do you want to grab some lunch?” or “Do you want to grab a drink or a bite to eat after work?”.
And finally, why are you focusing on this one girl? First of all it’s a coworkers which lends itself to all sorts of issues under normal dating circumstances (which this isn’t). Especially if she rejects you (which is highly likely). As a single man, you should be casually pursuing as many women as possible through the course of your day instead of psychotically locking on to one person. You’re much more likely to eventually get with her if you are like “man, I was on this awful date last night. I’d just like to find a nice girl” than if you roll up all like “I have strong bond with you.”
In otherwords man up. In a good way I mean, don’t suddenly decide that she’s going to be the first component in your collection of parts to make the perfect woman. We’re not looking to see your “closure” on the 11 o’clock news.
Um…hello? I know this sounds weird but…Are you a past version of me? Are you by chance typing this in 1995 and sending it to the future? If it is me…i just want to say go for it, please…for my sake. Otherwise you will spend unbelievable amounts of time and questionable sexual escapades trying to make up for that youthful dating experience that you missed out on and can never get back. Things will get better, I assure you, but don’t make me keep kicking myself for looking back at all those beautiful girls I now know I could have dated if I’d just had some balls and taken their hints for what they were.
Okay, you HAVE to stop this. Right the fuck now. It’s not negotiable.
Not making the exact right face at every given moment is not rejection. It’s just not. Reading all this import into every little absent-minded thing and freaking out about it is unhealthy for you, but it’s also a real drag for the other person. Having to constantly monitor every little comment and facial expression every moment for fear of setting off the drama llama…it’s a freaking chore, and nobody wants to date a chore. Even when you do go on a date, this kind of stuff will send any sane woman screaming into the streets and then you’re right back to Square One.
Don’t do that to yourself.
Well anyone who follows my posts knows I have had a storied pathetic history of stagnation and anxiety when dealing with the fairer half. Let me add also that I continue to have zero success…but I don’t blame myself anymore and I feel more confident around women. Let me try to add something unique to this.
To the OP: You are going through a process right now, and it’s a positive one! The mere fact you are posting your story here is a sign you are opening up and moving in the right direction. It’s a step, and who knows you might be 10 steps away or a 1000 steps away, but you are going the correct direction. Like anything in life you will only get better at something the more you work at it.
In my mind, anyone who tells you to “not be yourself” and “think with your dick” is setting themselves up to reap what they sow. You can’t act forever and a purely platonic relationship is just that. Of course the physical aspect is awesome but you have to ask yourself what do you want in a partner. Do you share any common interests with this girl?
You are a great person, but the key is letting someone see how great you are. My question to you is: Where does your sense of worth and confidence come from? Is it one thing or many things? How do you feed your self-esteem? (I used to think Self Esteem was natural, but like anything you have to work at it and feed it or it will go away). I learned for myself this year how much I love my career and my hobbys and my friends…and lately people are noticing my new body language and sense of direction.
Heres some tips that have helped me become more confident and happy:
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Send one e-mail a day or one facebook post at least that is a joke, or a compliment, or a well wish, or a thank you. The reply always makes me feel happy and cared for.
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Charity work in the smallest degree. Just do something nice for someone. Think beyond yourself a little bit.
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Take up a hobby and kick ass at it. I run and now play the trumpet. I love every minute of it.
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Be professional at work. A stable job is a source of pride.
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Read and well informed.
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Yes and for the love of God ask this girl out. Perhaps you will be rejected. If so go out for drinks with someone and vent or make fun of her. Girls are always great when they are prospects and suck when they reject you. I’m sure when girls get dumped they feel the same and make fun of us jerk stupid males. Humour is a great coping tool. Were all stupid sometimes.
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Have one good friend to help you. You can message me if you want, and I will be that friend.
Good luck dude, keep taking the right steps. Imagine where you will be 5 - 10 - 15 - 20 years from now!
I’m pretty sure that first part was a joke, a riff on the inevitable “just be yourself” advice that always comes along in these threads. The second part, I think was serious. And as much as I never dreamed I’d say such a thing, I kind of think the OP probably does need to start thinking with his dick once in a while. It’s not like his brain is doing him any favors, what with it making the Himalayas out of a couple grains of sand and all. His dick, after all, wouldn’t be suggesting all this Secret Squirrel subtlety that’s landed him in his current mess. When one organ wants to go about things directly and simply, and the other wants to convolute things until you’re feeling devastated over a facial expression from someone you’ve never directly expressed interest in, it really seems best to let the direct organ do your thinking.
Meh, I think with my brain all the time. I tried to go the “dick” route and people on this board called me “borderline pyscho” and the girls in real life were non too impressed with my tactics. For me I know the answer now, I live in a community that is polar opposite to where I would like to meet people and find people with similar interests and attitudes as me. I think the OP should redirect his thinking and then eventually he won’t have to compromise his personality.
I think it’s a matter of the OP figuring out himself, and then he will be able to find the person he wants to be with. But I went through the process of “thinking with my dick” as well. Maybe your right and he needs to try it to get stronger and tougher. I know for myself that it’s not the answer for me.
Good point. You definitely don’t want to become a bitter dick, but everyone needs a few good stories of blind dates gone wrong, getting rejected and the like, if only as dinner party conversation fodder.
I can’t remember his name, but I do recall that a French social scientist published a paper showing that, if you deliver a light touch while asking a girl to dance, your chances of success increase by twenty percent. That’s a pretty good increase. I imagine it would work when just asking them out as well.
A good move is to innocently put your fingers on her shoulder to remove “lint” from her shirt. There doesn’t have to actually BE any but she won’t know the difference and it’s an easy and innocent way to break the “contact” barrier.
If I could offer a contrary opinion - Don’t pluck things (real or imaginary) off of coworkers you don’t know well.
If I can offer a middle opinion: plucking deadly spiders or limpet mines off your coworkers is just fine whether or not you know them.
The OP doesn’t have to “not be himself” or “figure himself out” really. He needs to somehow be MORE himself. You know, put himself out there.
Jesus, every woman over the age of 15 knows this move. You might as well just bust out the leisure suit and the leopard skin briefs.
As usual, msmith537 provides the almost offensively blunt but honest answer to the o.p. (though Maastricht’s paranoid conspiracy theory is also appealing and is often a good fit to the data as well). Sure, she’s going to reject you and crush your little soul, and she won’t be the last, so you might as well get it out of the way now. But before you do, listen to the emo-ish Police song “Message In A Bottle” at least twenty times so it will forever be associated with this tragic event. And in the off chance that she responds positively to your overtures (and by respond and overtures I don’t mean subtle facial cues and the way she holds her pinky when drinking her Grape Nehi) you’ll have Sting’s high-pitched whining and Andy Summers fine guitar work going through your head as you sit at the food court sharing an Orange Julius, or whatever your fantasy is.
And if you’re not going to do this, get her number for me. I mean, she’ll reject me, too, but I can just add it to the “All Women Who Hate Me” wall I have in my root cellar, next to the vat of preserving fluid and my taxidermy collection.
Stranger
Since I was fairly harsh in my earlier post I thought I’d jump back in and offer some actual advice.
Around 10 years ago I was part of a group of people who would take troubled teenagers on what we called “mountain trips”. During these trips they learned to climb and rapell and were subjected to (slightly softened) boot camp style discipline. The idea was that getting these kids to experience things physicially out of their comfort zone, mountain climbing, carrying heavy gear, sleeping outside, having to do pushups and making them face their existential fears allowed them to put their neurotic fears into perspective.
What you’ve got going now is a boatload of neurotic fears. A whole war of words waging in your head with the idea that if this chick doesn’t talk to you or rejects you it will kill you. It won’t but your brain doesn’t get that yet.
I suggest that you find something that’s physically challenging and perhaps in a fear inducing way, like mountain climbing.
I’m not talking about being a daredevil or taking unnecessary risks, I’m talking about finding a hobby that’s physically and emotionally challenging and something that you can take on by yourself. I think that if you can look your existential fears right in the eye it will put this little neurotic fear in its place.
If you set your mind to it you’ll emerge stronger both physically and mentally. That’s what I think you need right now. Push your physical limits, face some physical fears (in a safe way) challenge yourself. It’ll get you out of your own head now and later.
Does the OP intend to participate in this this thread, or any other SDMB thread?
Perhaps he’s been arrested. Interpreted her scratching her ear as a sign for him to get naked or something.
I’ll concede that deadly spiders are ok to remove, but urge anyone to have limpet mines removed by a professional.
So much more great advice! I didn’t want to wait for the next chance to see her in person, so I ended up asking her over MySpace(I must insist though that asking something like this in person is no longer terribly frightening to me). She’s already dating another coworker(although not in a relationship yet). She said nothing of what she thinks of me, but seemed friendly enough. I’ll at least try to get to know her better from here on out.
I’ve definitely found that overthinking has been a big problem for me, as many of you have suggested. I’ve just constantly been trying to analyze every tiny little clue, then putting them together in my head to create imaginary scenarios, which I’d fear real. I’m making sure to be much more careful not think too much into what the meanings are behind little vague actions.
I do hope to get to know this girl better, but I still fear that I’m thinking a little too highly of her. I barely know her, and she may very well not actually be seriously interested in me at all(maybe I was making far too much out of all the little “hints of interest” she gave me). But she’s beautiful, and she’s smiled at me a few times, and it’s almost as if I’m raising her to some goddess-like status in my mind for those reasons. I really need to get out and meet more girls so I can find that this girl I’ve been pining over for so long really isn’t so special as I deluded myself into thinking.
I’ve tried to be as candid about this as I can, so I’ll look forward to seeing what else you all have to say about it.