Co-worker you barely know asks you to pick up lunch for them - do you?

[wouldn_t_you_like_to_know]

@featherlou

You do know that people don’t always feel free to say no when they want to, right? Also, do you ask for a reason when people say no to you? People often don’t say no because they think they’ll be asked why not, and they don’t have a good reason for why not except that they don’t want to, and that doesn’t always come across very nicely. If you always ask when you want something regardless of whether it’s an appropriate request or not, and count on people to refuse you if they don’t want to do it, I can guarantee you that people are doing things for you that they don’t want to do.

Actually this concept is beyond me. Maybe not beyond me, i can understand it, but can’t understand why anyone would live their life like it. If i really don’t want to do something for a casual acquaintance or co-worker i don’t do it. I don’t ask for a reason if someone tells me no, if they supply one so be it, if not, no big deal.

I’d much rather have an honest answer of “No, because I don’t want to and I think you are a rude pompous ass to even ask me” than to have someone do something for me that they really don’t want to. At least that way I know where we stand and what your boundary is. I know I have given the answer of “Sure, I could do XXX, but I really don’t want to.” I have no doubt that there are people I work with that don’t like me. There are people I work with that I don’t like. I spend more time dealing with the people i like, and less with those I don’t.

[Cat_Whisperer]

I’m glad I was able to broaden your horizons to include perfectly normal people who take other people’s thoughts and feelings into account and adjust their own behaviour accordingly. They’re all around you; you’ve been benefitting from them all your life, whether you knew it or not (and I suspect you know it).

[wouldn_t_you_like_to_know]

@featherlou

I’m glad I was able to broaden your horizons to include perfectly normal people who take other people’s thoughts and feelings into account and adjust their own behaviour accordingly. They’re all around you; you’ve been benefitting from them all your life, whether you knew it or not (and I suspect you know it).

I thank you for broadening my horizons. That is why I joined here.

I never said I don’t take other peoples feelings into account. What I said was I couldn’t imagine doing something for someone just becasue they asked and thinking it would be rude for me to say no.

I took their feelings into account, I just did not place their feelings of wanting something done over my feelings of not wanting to do it. In a casual relationship my feelings almost always win.

The way I see it is, in the scenario you presented, a person you have very little interaction with has asked you to do something which you consider rude. You have the option of:

1. doing it and being upset (frustrated, agitated, pick your state of being) & thinking that the person is rude.
2. telling the person that you don’t want to do it, but being scared (or thinking it’s not proper to refuse) that they will find you rude for doing it. I do not find a straight forward, polite response of “I’m sorry, but I prefer to keep this a strictly business relationship” or a “I’m not comfortable with doing that for you at this time” to be rude in the least.

I’d chose option 2 everyday. Basically you are encouraging a behavour you think is rude. The person doing the asking will never know you think it is rude and most likely continue to do it, since most of the opinions expressed here do not find it rude to ask for a minor favor, such as grabbing lunch.

And it’s not like i’m having people do things for me on a daily basis. I’m just as likely to be the person being asked as to do the asking. And if an incident like this happens once a month I’d be shocked.

[bordelond]

@featherlou

I consider that the person asking for stuff also has to put a little thought into whether or not it is an appropriate thing to ask.

There is no common standard for “appropriate”, though.

@featherlou

I talked to my husband about this last night, too, and he basically agreed with most of you, so I believe that this my own personal thing. I’m okay with that; I don’t like doing favours for people I hardly know and don’t particularly like, and I’m not interested in changing that.

Fair enough. Reads to me like the “don’t particularly like” aspect carried a lot of weight in this case.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

Ok, but maybe the co-worker is just a bit clueless? If you don’t particularily like her, but haven’t blatently let her know that, (you’ve been being nice) than she might not realize you don’t like her. So she’s not thinking she is grating on you just by asking a casual favor.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@wouldn't you like to know

I thank you for broadening my horizons. That is why I joined here. <snip>

You’re quite welcome.

You know, I don’t think even I knew my feelings about this co-worker until she asked me to pick up her lunch - she was just another annoying co-worker in a very large, warehouse-like room full of annoying co-workers. They’re pretty clear to me now, though.

[CairoCarol]

I’m pretty much with the “hey, no big deal” crowd, although I also agree that additional context (did you say where you were going or did she probe; did she order a fountain drink; is she someone who has behaved inappropriately in the past) might affect my judgment of the situation.

For example, it seems you were going to a fast food joint next door? It is so easy to pick up food for someone in that case.

The last time I worked regularly in a big office, we did stuff like that for each other all the time - we generally had to work through dinner, so it was kind of a group survival mechanism.

We did play some asshole games, though. It was an eccentric crowd; I think all of us were at least mildly socially impaired. One trait universally shared was a hatred of calling on the phone to order food to be delivered - in part because we all experienced some social anxiety over the phone, and in part because none of us spoke very good Arabic (this was in Egypt) and the guys answering the phones usually didn’t speak much English.

So, this is the “gotcha” game we’d all play:

EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEE (saunters innocently up to new person, clutching a sheaf of home-delivery menus): “You getting hungry? We could order some food.”

NEW PERSON (pleased to have been asked): Uh, yeah, sure! What kind of food?

EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEE (thrusts menu into hand of new person): Let’s order from Arzak’s today! Here, you make the call. I’ll have the hummus and baba ghanouj … (raises voice): Hey guys! New Person over here is going to call and place and order at Arzaks! What do you all want?

Heh heh heh. We knew perfectly well what we were doing. And we all tried to get away with it all the time. If a fellow experienced employee was distracted, you could sometimes trap them into making the call too.

Those were good times.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@CairoCarol

I’m pretty much with the “hey, no big deal” crowd, although I also agree that additional context (did you say where you were going or did she probe; did she order a fountain drink; is she someone who has behaved inappropriately in the past) might affect my judgment of the situation.<snip>

I answered these questions in the thread; she probed, she ordered a fountain drink (okay, I don’t think I answered that one before), and she has behaved inappropriately in the past. And substituted the fries in her combo for a salad, and had to decide what dressing she wanted with her salad, as well as what kind of fountain drink she wanted. I really felt like a peon getting her order from her.

[Lakai]

@featherlou

I answered these questions in the thread; she probed, she ordered a fountain drink (okay, I don’t think I answered that one before), and she has behaved inappropriately in the past. And substituted the fries in her combo for a salad, and had to decide what dressing she wanted with her salad, as well as what kind of fountain drink she wanted. I really felt like a peon getting her order from her.

I see your problem now. It sounds like you dislike her enough not to want to do her any favors, but she hasn’t done anything bad enough to merit you turning down her small favor.

I usually lie in these situations. It sounds like she caught you off guard this time. Next time just make up an excuse that doesn’t make you look like a jerk.

It might not be in your best interest to cut ties with this person, but if you don’t want to deal with her, you shouldn’t have to.

[jali]

The food ordering responsibility irks me at times since there are about 60 people in our office and someone will usually walk by after the order is placed and want to add to the order (having heard from others) or make it a point of saying, “why didn’t you guys call me - I wanted sushi too.”

I generally put the order on my card and one or two people have “forgotten” to give me the cash or “forget” to add tax and tip.

I’ve made copies of the delivery menus and given them out to avoid this minor irritation and asked for cash up front, but some people still can’t seem to grasp the concept of making their own arrangements. They don’t irk me enough for me to to make a stand - a good working relationship is more important to me and I’m sure I’m not always the perfect co-worker so I’ll probably never make a big deal about it.

I have no problem with picking up food for anyone if I’m going out.

[Musicat]

@featherlou

Is it just me, or is this kind of over the line for a co-worker that you aren’t friends with?

Depends. From my point of view, it all hinges on this question:

Did she have great tits?

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Lakai

I see your problem now. It sounds like you dislike her enough not to want to do her any favors, but she hasn’t done anything bad enough to merit you turning down her small favor.

I usually lie in these situations. It sounds like she caught you off guard this time. Next time just make up an excuse that doesn’t make you look like a jerk.

It might not be in your best interest to cut ties with this person, but if you don’t want to deal with her, you shouldn’t have to.

Exactly.

By the way, she’s a grandma. As far as I can see, her tits are not all that special.

[Kalhoun]

@featherlou

Thinking about this a bit more, I think what stands out to me is that there is no reciprocity in our relationship. This wasn’t “You do it this time, and I’ll do it next time.” It was simply “Please do this thing for me because I’m asking.” Period. This isn’t the first time this particular woman has asked me for something that she had no right to ask for (work-related in the other instance). I’m getting a picture of her as someone who believes that she has the right to ask anything, and it is other people’s responsibility to tell her no, instead of her responsibility to monitor her own asking for favours.

ETA: She isn’t busy, either. She simply didn’t want to get off her ass.

I wouldn’t have asked a non-buddy to do me a favor. I’ve asked people I don’t know if they want me to pick something up (“guys, I’m going to the canteen…anyone need me to pick up?”) but I would not ask an individual to do my dirty work unless there was an existing friendship of some sort.

My advice (which I know you didn’t ask for but I’m going to offer it up anyway) is to ask her to go for your lunch next week. If she refuses (and it sounds like she will), and she has any sense of fairness within her, she will probably never ask you again. And if she does, the rules of reciprosity apply…you are under no obligation to help her out again.

[GameHat]

@featherlou

I just had a weird situation here at work - a co-worker I sit close to but am not at all friendly with beyond saying good morning just asked me to pick up lunch for her since I was going myself. After I stared at her in disbelief for a couple of seconds, I said sure, and she proceeded to give me her order and some money to cover it. Is it just me, or is this kind of over the line for a co-worker that you aren’t friends with?

Second part, if you agree with me that a co-worker doing this was over the line, what would your response have been? I did it this time (because I was blindsided by her nerve), but I don’t plan to do it again.

Sorry, this isn’t a big deal it all.

As long as she gave you money to cover her food and didn’t ask you to go somewhere you weren’t planning on going all ready, it’s no hardship to you to pick up another order of food to bring back to the office.

And if you wanted to sit and eat there? You simply tell her it will be about an hour until you get back.

I’m very confused as to why you considered this an imposition.

[Natch]

@featherlou

…she ordered a fountain drink…as well as what kind of fountain drink she wanted.

'Scuse my being dense, but what is a fountain drink? Is it different from a regular drink? Why is a fountain drink not ok to ask someone to pick up for you?

[sandra_nz]

I’m guessing they mean the drinks machine where you have the huge paper/plastic cup that you fill yourself by putting the button of the drink flavour you want.

[FourPaws]

@tremorviolet

I’d probably do it once (she’s probably swamped and desperate) but I’d say I was running errands or something if she asked again. It’s a pain in the ass to have people expect you to be the one to keep track of a bunch of orders and do the fetching.

I’m the only one in my office who organizes lunch orders on the day (or days) that we order out. I also don’t keep track of who pays. I prefer to do the fetching; I get to eat when I want, and it gets me out of the office.

Those this brings up a corollary that I’ll start another thread about instead of hijacking this one.

And here it is:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=9737131#post9737131

[alice_in_wonderland]

@featherlou

You know, I don’t think even I knew my feelings about this co-worker until she asked me to pick up her lunch - she was just another annoying co-worker in a very large, warehouse-like room full of annoying co-workers. They’re pretty clear to me now, though.

Based on this post, and some past threads you’ve started, I’ve now concluded that you find MOST people annoying.

Honestly, the scenario as presented in the OP really strikes me as not a big deal at all - in the same situation I don’t think it would have even occured to me to be offended or to feel put out. However, if you DO feel offended or put out, thats perfectly ok as well. But I kind of think that’s your thing, and doesn’t have much at all to do with your co-worker.

Also, regarding the saying no thing - for gods’s sakes woman, just say no! It’s not your responsibility to babysit everyone else’s feelings! If someone asks for a small favour and you nicely say “I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”, any anger or upset they feel is entirely their issue and has nothing, whatsoever, to do with you.

By the way, could you grab me a diet pepsi while your up?