It’s actually been my experience, now that I think about it, that the kids like Dinsdale’s kid will eventually find a good roommate and be happy about it, and the kids like the offending roommate will either go to live in frat houses/apartments or monopolize all the singles. Because once a dick, always a dick, for the most part–by the time they get to college, people don’t change much past that (With notable exceptions).
After a series of pranks by his roommate, a friend of mine went nuclear with his retaliation.
He took the guys toothbrush, stuck it in the urinal, and on the sidewalk. He took pictures of it of himself doing these things. He then rinsed off the toothbrush and put it back in the holder. He waited a week and then showed his roomie the pictures.
At the risk of a hijack, I always wondered why people get so defensive about setting up room rules ahead of time. It always seemed like a reasonable approach to me since you have not lived with that person before. Is it too presumptuous to make ground rules? I just figured that it would be a good way to prevent minor things from snowballing into larger issues.
Screw that. One blow job for every night she stays over.
2 concerns:
First, they way they were presented it struck us like the roomie was kinda acting like it was his room and he was laying down the law.
Second, I think it is often very hard - if not undesirable - to agree upon rules before you really know what the situation/dynamic is. Once you agree upon specific rules, it is common for a party to act as tho anything not expressly prohibited is okay. For example, as I said I think the roomie proposed (and my kid agrred) to “no sex in the room.” But that doesn’t say anything about sleeping over.
Makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.
I am not sure he wants blowjobs from his roommate. If he did, that introduces another set of complications. I would suggest a threesome between all of them. That way, anyone can have what they want.
:eek: No sex in the room!
What is your son in college for then? Those lessons are NOT to be missed!
/runs
Talked with the kid on the phone last night. As I understand it he talked to his RA, and then the RA talked to the roommate/suitemate. I think a group discussion would have been better, but I’m not going to long distance quarterback. My kid told the RA he wanted the others to respect his values (my kid’s words on the phone, not mine) and not mess with his stuff.
Whatever the RA told the others, my kid says things have been “cool” tho not frosty between him and roomie for the past day and night. I guess the roomie slept elsewhere last night, and has been largely absent from the room. Which has convinced my kid that he really would enjoy a single.
So as I understand it, my kid and the roomie/suitemates have never directly hashed this out. Which I’m not sure is a good thing. But my kid said he didn’t think he’d bring it up until/unless the roomie did. And he is still going to look into the possibility of a roomie switch - just see who might be out there who might want to switch.
And he said they wrote up a contract at the start of the year where my kid agreed to allowing visitors while he slept, and sleepovers. My kid said he was thinking that since he went to bed early it would be impractical to ask the roomie not to have anyone over after that - but he didn’t realize it would be girls regularly sleeping over. And he agreed to allow sleepovers, but his understanding was that that meant occasional weekends after discussion. That kinda illustrates some of my difficulties with roommate contracts. My kid thought he was being a nice guy by not taking a hardline off the bat, but feels like the roommie violated at least the spirit of the contract if not the specific wording.
Thanks again for your thoughts and acting as a sounding board.
You know, maybe Dinsson should swap with the gf.
Yeah, sleep in that bed the gf isn’t using at all, so long as her official roomate doesn’t mind losing her newly-single room…
Only half-kidding.
I’ve had similar situations twice, both while already in grad school. The first time it was university housing. My roomie hated my guts on national grounds (I’m from Spain, she from Puerto Rico), for being science track and for not being impressed about her parents being university professors. A few times during the couple months we shared that room (much bigger than Dinsson’s), she came home after midnight with company; they had sex with the lights on. When it was time for me to get up… well… I just did! I followed my usual morning routine, and if it bothered them well, sorry, you sure didn’t take any care not to wake ME at 1 effing ei em. That cut that fast, but in the end we were all there (it was a suite) as “temporaty housing while I look for something off campus,” so the final solution came when all four of us moved out within weeks.
The second time, my complaint was “I’m paying for half the fridge and I want to have half the fridge.” My roomie said “well, you should be happy he brings his own food!” His roomie said “I’m happy with him sleeping here, you know, means I have our flat for myself and only pay for half of it.” The bf said “maybe I should move here officially!” His roomie said “no you don’t, both our names are on the lease and I’m not paying for it all!” I said “I’ve found a new place, will move out tomorrow.”
My one suggestion, and I realize it’s not helpful right now, is to start planning early for next year. I didn’t go to a Big 10 school, but I knew a lot of people who did, and as I recall there were a wide variety of housing options with different atmospheres, ranging from “party central” to “perpetual study hall.” That’s one of the advantages of a big campus.
As for the present situation, I agree that your son’s roommate is being rude, and having a girlfriend over nightly is excessive. I would also say, however, that if your son wants to live in a traditional dorm (and maybe he’ll decide he doesn’t), he’s going to have to get used to a certain amount of mayhem. People mess with your stuff. There’s noise. There are awkward encounters with drunk/naked people who turn up where you didn’t expect them. Again, I’m not saying your son should put up with his present situation, but I get the sense that he’s used to a more quiet and orderly existence than what he’s likely to find in a college dorm.
I think he will be very happy in a single. All the benefits of dorm living, but a door to close (and lock) when you want privacy.
And as others have noted, it is doubtful that he will ever be in a position thru the rest of his life where he will have to share 10X10 living space with another person.
College senior checking in here, coming from the standpoint of being your son when I was a freshman. It was handled as such: she felt I was being snarky and unfriendly to her boyfriend, so she called in all of our friends for a surprise sit down talk-it-out session. I sat down and stated my case that the boyfriend was staying over 5 nights a week, in addition to most every waking moment in the afternoons.
My friends all looked aghast, as they’d thought it was 1-2 nights, (assumed) she always asked permission, and that I was directly saying terrible things to the boyfriend. This gross miscommunication was due mostly to the fact that I didn’t gossip about the situation, and that she was lying about it.
Needless to say, I won, and he stayed 1-2 nights a week, with permission coming from me (if there was a test etc, it was an absolute no)
Definitely have your son engage the roommate constructively. Roommate may not know he’s being a little dick about it. Aim for 1-2 nights a week – and that means she’s coming over right before bedtime and leaving first thing in the morning and NOT EVER having sex while he’s in the room. Have him emphasize all of this. Leave no stone unturned, and leave nothing to assumption. I think it’s unfair to say it’s 0 nights ever – perhaps he’ll have a friend visit him from another school, get a girlfriend of his own, or just randomly need any friend/family member to crash for one night (this was sometimes my situation, fyi). No need to burn bridges just yet. Your son should also mention that 1-2 nights at your place plus 1-2 nights at hers = 4/7 nights. Also, these “nights” that are spent in your sons dorm room should consist of her arriving shortly before bedtime and leaving early in the morning. No coming at 6pm and “staying the night” BS.
If he’s at a Big 10 school, motels are relatively cheap and ubiquitous option for the crude young lovers.
If this doesn’t work, get the RA involved.
Tell him not to give a shit what his suitemates think. They’re not in the situation.
:smack: didn’t read that it had all been hashed out already…
kudos to your son for getting it taken care of, although he really should have approached the roommate first, not the RA.
That doesn’t really fix his problem, though. He’d still be sharing a room with a girl.
Maybe Dinsson should see if she’s his type. After all, he knows her roommate’s never home 