More roommate issues: Overnight guests the morning after

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yes, it’s another roommate question. Once again, I’m just looking to see if I’ve got a point, or if I am completely off base.

Roommate and I share a small one-bedroom apartment that is functionally more like a large studio since the bedroom divider is more of a room divider than a wall. I sleep on a double bed in the bedroom, he sleeps on a twin in the (large) living room that I stay out of when he is home. The plan is to switch halfway through. We have both agreed that we intend to have romantic partners over from time to time, and that we will make reasonable accommodations for this. We have known each other some time, but we are not great friends and there is a lot of friction.

Last night roommate had his lady friend over and he asked if I could stay out overnight. Usually I spend Friday nights out with friends and crash elsewhere, but this Saturday I had a meeting that I needed to be ready for, and so I told him the best i could do was to hang around campus until 11. Being Friday night, I wasn’t going to find people to hang out with if it wasn’t partying, so my only real option was to chill in the library until it was okay to go home. But I’m a nice person, so I do it.

He also wants the large bed in the bedroom for the night. Sure, I say, I can handle a night on the couch, just make sure you change the sheets.

Everything goes as planned. I chill in the library until 11 and bed down on the couch. In the morning around 10 they start stirring…and that kind of stirring, if you know what I mean. 10:30 they emerge, and make breakfast. So far, so good. I scoot over on the couch. They commence cuddling, so I leave. But since my bed is covered with their used sheets, I can’t really hang out there, and I don’t want to bring it up because I know the whole “hot sheeting” thing might weird the girl out. I kind of awkwardly wander the house for a bit, making up stuff to do. I don’t want to go out since I knew I was only going to have a few hours “recovery time” at home this weekend, and I feel like I already spent an entire night out when I just wanted to be home and warm for a few hours.

They keep cuddling.

They start watching TV.

I’m just kind of hanging out on a kitchen chair…

This goes on until freaking 1:30, when she finally goes home.

Okay, my attitude is that overnight guests are fine, but they gotta get their ass out at some point. Wake up, have your morning sex, but then go out and buy her breakfast (or a donut if you can’t afford that) and send her on her way. We aren’t running a bed and breakfast here, and while nice long romantic mornings are wonderful, you don’t have the luxury of that when you basically share a room. Anyway, I can make accommodations for you for the night, or for the day, but you can’t ask me to do both. Overnight guests, once they are up and about, need to be out of the door within an hour or so. You had your fun, let me have my room back. I already devoted a night of discomfort to making sure he could use the house for sex, I don’t need to sacrifice my morning, too It’d be different if we had more space and privacy, or if we each had our own bedroom to retreat into, but we don’t. We have cheap rent instead.

If he could have contained it to the bedroom, it would be different. Or if he had contained it to the living room. But if you are having snuggle time you have to make sure there is somewhere the other person can go that is not “hanging around watching your snuggle time.”

I also worry because she lives with her parents, and he is a homebody who would 100% of the time rather spend time with his girlfriend at home rather than going out. I am not okay with a “third roommate” situation. I am okay with being asked if I am planning on spending the night elsewhere, but I’m not okay with feeling like I should spend the night elsewhere on demand. There are two nights a week when I am “for sure” out of the house until late, and usually i spend one weekend night away. That should be plenty of time for the to conduct their romance.

He argues that I’m completely unreasonable. He says he is sorry he didn’t change the sheets immediately, but doesn’t see why I didn’t just go out early if hanging around the house was uncomfortable. I say that is bullshit, I already spent an entire night out of the house when I didn’t want to, and that you can’t expect me to do that AGAIN in the AM. Private time is over!

Anyway, what do you think? Am I unreasonable? Being a princess again? I brought up the idea of finding another living situation for me, since this place is less-than-idea on a number of levels, but that probably isn’t possible. I just want to get a feel for what people think is okay.

2

You need to restablish “house rules”

It’s one thing if it’s a steady relationship, but if it’s casual dating/casual sex, you’re right about this.

3

You’re not being unreasonable. It doesn’t seem like he’s being considerate of you. He’s only thinking of himself and his GF.

Sounds they need to pony up some cash and get a hotel room.

4

I’d give him a pass this time since it doesn’t sound like there was a clear expectation that she be gone by a certain time in the morning. That said, you two should discuss it and have an agreement that unless it is agreed to advance, the other person has to be gone by X time.

Personally I think you were very generous to let your roommate use your bed for the evening. I can’t say I would have ever been that generous in my college days. I had a queen size bed and it was my queen size bed. If my roommate at the time chose to have a twin, then his choice was to have sex in it or on the carpeted floor, and sleeping arrangements were theirs to figure out afterwards, but my bed was strictly off limits as a temporary cum catcher.

5

I agree. He refused to establish “house rules” with me because he felt like I was being too irrational. I assume we will visit this idea again in the future. I think a 12 hour limit on non-out-of-town non-mutual guests is more than reasonable, with perhaps extra consideration if you have special requests.

It’s a steady relationship in it’s early stages, but honestly that doesn’t make a huge difference to me. I don’t care if it’s your own mother who wants to be hanging around all day. One of the disadvantages of living in a shared one-bedroom is that “spending all night and all day at home in your own private bliss” becomes an unviable dating plan, the sort of special-occasion thing you can only really indulge in when your roommate is out of town (or actually on one of the many, many weekend nights when I don’t have school work and actually do plan on sleeping elsewhere- like tonight, actually. All this could have been avoided if he had just asked my plans before making his own.)

This was their first “big night” together, so I was willing to do what I reasonably could so they could “make it special” but if this is going to be an all-the-time thing, uh-uh. If she wants to live here, she can take over my rent and I’ll gladly find somewhere else to live (an option I mentioned, but obviously they are not that point yet.) But I pay $750 a month for a bed to sleep in and a place to study, and if I can’t have at least one of the two, I have no idea why I’m here and not just couch surfing at a friend’s house.

FWIW, she is not hard up for cash and could easily rent her own room, but chooses not to. If she wants to be a 24 hour girlfriend, that’s fine, but she doesn’t have the choice of doing that in the room I pay out the nose for.

6

What happened to your meeting?

7

As for the bed, the house came with a twin bed and a double bed. I normally sleep on the double (his choice- he liked the twin better) but we did agree that the double could be used for “special occasions.” So it’s not out of line to ask to use the bed, although I what I had pictured was more along the lines of “using the bed when the other person isn’t there” unless it was a this-time-only deal like you picked up someone at a bar.

I have my own intrigues, and so it’s not like I’m not bringing anyone to the house. But I try to time it for when my roommate is not here, and on the few times I’ve had a sleepover, I’ve assumed that my roommate was not interesting in sharing a romantic morning with me and my beau and treated my dude to coffee and muffins around the corner before walking him to the bus stop.

8

If you can’t deal with sharing, get a place of your own. Your housemate did something you agreed on when you moved in.

9

Why didn’t you just pull the bedspread up over the used sheets and hang out in your room?

10

Meeting was at 3. The deal is that I’m a ways from town on public transit, so if I’m out late then I’m out all night. If I’m out all night, then I gotta crash with one of my no-account friends. And if I’m crashing with them, I’m gonna need to spend the evening with them. And on a Friday night, that means partying. I don’t want to come to a an important meeting tired, hung over, and grumpy from spending the morning on busses. Not when I never wanted to go out in thr first place and i have a perfectly good home that I pay rent for precisely so I don’t have to spend nights on my friends floors.

We agreed to accommodate each other getting laid. He got laid and that was no problem. But sometime in the 18 hours after getting laid that contract expires.

11

The bedding was tossed all over, and had visible wet spots. Not touching it.

I think I more than fulfilled my obligation by spending the evening in sexile at the library doing nothing. If she needs to stay over because she’s drunk, thats fine. But when morning comes, the magic wears off, the carriage turns into a pumpkin, and its time to find a less crowded place to conduct your romance.

12

I dunno–if you were squicked out, I think it’s either up to you to say something about it then and there (“Hey Bill, would you mind straightening up in there? I want to lie down for a bit” or whatever), suffer in silence, or talk to him politely without blame afterwards. Your idea that people need to leave at a certain time is one I never ever encountered when I had housemates, and if it wasn’t agreed to ahead of time, there’s no way he was under an obligation to respect that idea.

13

I think it’s painfully obvious that both of you went into this apartment share thinking the best case scenario, and probably forced to do so out of economic necessity. That said, reality is not so easy.

Talk it out.

14

You share a one bedroom apartment and allow swapping of beds? Seriously I just don’t see how you could imagine that situation would ever work. Get another double bed.

15

I agree with China Guy****, I was in the situation as your room mate (not in terms of the overnight guest situation, but I was the one using the common room as a bedroom) and it just flat out sucked because there’s this sense of zero privacy, even with a divider. I think both of you have reason to be annoyed and this is just not a good living situation, especially for him. When I lived like this I only lasted two months, having your bedroom in a public space just does not work.

16

I don’t get why you are a female sharing a one-bedroom/studio with a male whom you are not even friends with. This just seems like an all-around uncomfortable situation to begin with. How did you find him, craigslist?

Anyway, if this is a new relationship, and last night was their first “real” night together, they are likely going to want to ramp it up in a serious way as soon as possible… It’s best you make some solid ground rules with your roommate quickly before this happens again and become a bigger problem.

17

Is his side of the “room” big enough for a futon mattress?

You can get one for $90 at Big Lots. It’s the size of a double and very cushy. Just lay it out on the floor. Then when “all is said and done”, you just roll that mother up, securing it with a couple of bungee cords, and cram it in the closet or in the corner for the next visit.

It’s gonna happen again. And whatever plan you come up with, someone is going to be unhappy. And I’m also wondering why he couldn’t have ponied up for a hotel room. I know if he’s sharing a room he can’t have a lot of money. But still. If he wants to show a girl a good time, he needs to go all out. No sense risking his relationship with you, her, and your feelings about her all at the same time.

18

Good lord - I have no idea how either of you deal with this situation - It sounds aweful for both of you. I think roomie was gross not to clean up after himself and you shouldn’t have to pay $750/month to put up with that, but at the same time for $750/month he should be able to hangout with his woman in their pjs all day without having his roomie as an audience.

I really have no suggestions as to a solution but it sounds like you both have points for and against you pov.

19

I think it might be better to just try to get him to agree that from now on neither of you will have overnight guests at the house and instead will rent a motel if needed. It makes more sense to do that than to keep swapping beds and making everyone feel weird and uncomfortable.

20

I don’t see why he would agree to that. It sounds as if the only thing making him uncomfortable here is the feeling that there are new rules being set up without his consent. If that’s how he feels, suggesting that things become much more inconvenient for him is unlikely to be met with approval.