My daughter is a freshman this year. She just successfully completed rush week and was picked by her first choice sorority and is now pledging. From what she’s described, they sound like a great group of young women. What I’m chiefly impressed by is their focus on philanthropic causes and just a general supportive environment.
Questions for all those who’ve been members of a sorority (or fraternity) in College:
Did you really feel a common bond with your fellow members?
Did you find them supportive of your goals/aspirations?
Did you feel like they had your best interests in mind?
Did they build your confidence and help you make better choices?
Please share your thoughts as far as the influence it had on your college experience and what you think of it looking back.
Well, I can speak as someone who had to quit college in part because of bullying, harassment, and indifference from fraternities and sororities.
In my personal experience, I have never seen a fraternity or sorority that is anything more than just an insular, elitist clique/tribe that you have to buy your way into that occasionally throws some chump change or half-assed camera-posing “community service hours” to charity so they can justify to themselves using the “philanthropy” label.
So, that said, maybe, somewhere, someplace, there are actual good fraternities/sororities out there.
I’d recommend making sure to ask the leaders of the sorority some hard, no-nonsense questions about stuff like whether they are or aren’t elitist (read: pay-to-play) for those who can’t afford the fees, whether they make sure their members don’t bully the less socially/financially/aesthetically priviliged, and whether they practice real philanthropy/community service (reaching out with real friendship [not just advice and Dr. Philling] to the outcast, AC and heat for the poor [with no cameras following them], et cetera).
A lot of them, at the time. Really good friends with two and still stay in contact.
Not so much. Unless “Party” was the goal.
Not so much.
Eh, not really.
For what its worth, the Sororities on campus were all huge and actually did some “philanthropic” stuff in the communities. The Fraternities, not so much, but a little. Better than nothing, I suppose.
I’ll also add that the stereotypical “hazing” and other Hollywood nonsense didn’t exist. At least I wasn’t bothered by anything. Pretty tame stuff.
I’ve never been a fraternity member but my observations from the outside is that their main purpose is social. During the college years, it provides a structure for social events (ie a place to party). After college it provides a network of contacts in the business world. Which are both perfectly valid reasons for joining.
As for philanthropic work, I think this is pretty much a given. All fraternities and sororities engage in philanthropic work. Voluntary participation is mandatory.
The wife and I were both frat members. We met on Greek row, back in the day*.
In answer to your questions:
Did you really feel a common bond with your fellow members?
Yes, but it was nothing more than any normal friendship. Some I liked, some I didn’t.
Did you find them supportive of your goals/aspirations?
Neither yea nor nay. They were just people I hung out and partied with. Largely a friendly bunch, but I wasn’t looking for validation. I have very little contact with them now, and never have for business purposes/contacts.
Did you feel like they had your best interests in mind?
Same as above.
Did they build your confidence and help you make better choices?
In some ways, yes. Part of the pledge materials included some basic etiquette guides, and I learned to dance and to socialize much more than I would’ve on my own. This helped in a lot of ways. Mizpullin and I were both sort of hicks in the big city (if this makes any sense), and Greek life was a good way to encourage getting out and socializing.
There was some required philanthropic stuff, but it was the same “make sure the camera shows the ghetto kid” crap that permeates most businesses nowadays. The primary purpose wasn’t philanthropy.
My personal take on them is largely positive. I think most clubs are primarily social, with the shared interest mainly as an excuse to get together (bowling, hunting, etc.) . Fraternities just skip directly to the social aspect without an overlying hobby. I don’t know how many here are familiar with the old show Cheers, but fraternities give you the “where everybody knows your name” feeling that was part of that show’s opening credits. This can be important when you’re in a new place (college).
So some positive, some negative reviews. Pretty much what I expected.
I’m not going to get involved in my daughter’s decisions in any way in this regard. She seems quite caught up in the process right now and is enjoying the enthusiasm and new friendships she’s making. I’m sure that in time it will all settle to a gentle simmer and she’ll end up choosing a few good friends while feeling ambivalent about some others.
I guess what suprised me most is that while she’s very outgoing and has never had any trouble making and keeping friends, she’s not really a ‘joiner’ in the traditional sense. I guess all that sorority propaganda really works. She’s really caught up in the whole show and process. Probably in no small part because she’s on her own for the first time, away from home, and is looking for a safe and friendly harbor.
Wasn’t in a frat, but my college girlfriend was in a sorority, so I was on the outside, but I observed a lot.
Not knowing your daughter and how she feels about everything, but the two kinds of girls I noticed were ones who were REEAALLYY into the showmanship of it (bigs and little’s and bags and t shirts and the themed philanthopies/associated parties) and the ones that were into it for the friendship and the experience of it.
I would venture to say that since she’s already joined her college experience will break down into this, (and I swear I’m being sarcastic or stereotypical):
She’s gonna drink to varying degrees (probably underage too if you care about that sort of thing)
She’s gonna have a lot more knowledge of the greek alphabet
She’s gonna have A LOT more acquaintances (if not friends)
You’re gonna be asked to donate money a lot
There’s a chance that her previously sweet demeanor COULD change. And what I mean by that is there is a sense of “I was good enough to make this, and others weren’t” and she could look down on non greek kids as not worth a friendship or something like that. The best example I have of this was that she loved repeating a phrase she heard in one of her chapter meeetings of “those looking in can never understand, and those looking out can never explain”. And she really believed that, that her being in her sorority really made a giant difference in who she was, but not in a wholly positive manner.
You’re probably past the point of parental lectures, but I would explain to her that a lot of things happen in greek life (sex, drugs, rock n roll and the like) and at the end of the day she just has to make good decisions and not get caught up in the life
Oh, I am not above a proper “Get a Grip and Calm the Fuck Down Sunshine” parental lecture. Quite good at it actually, and it’s remarkably effective with my kids, thus far.
But you make some fair points. I’ll keep my ears peeled for the signs of indoctrination and privileged behaviour.
She’s not going to need any talk. She’ll be fine, make a lot of friends, and have a lot of fun. It’s a great experience for a lot of people, but she’ll drop out if she thinks it’s not for her.
Did you really feel a common bond with your fellow members?
Yes. We remain close friends three decades later. I greatly value that.
Did you find them supportive of your goals/aspirations?
Yes. Very supportive.
Did you feel like they had your best interests in mind?
Yes. Always.
Did they build your confidence and help you make better choices?
Confidence and decision making was never an issue for any of us. We benefitted from sharing information and discussing different perspectives amongst our active members and also with our alumni.
philanthropic causes
Of course!
just a general supportive environment
Very big yes. The support you need to grab a tiger by the tail and give it a spin, and the support you need to get back up again when that damn cat mauls you.
With frats it depends on the quality of the members. Some frats are tremendous, with members who are kind, bright and active, while others are not, with members who are immature drunken louts. If, prior to and during rush, your daughter genuinely likes the other people in the frat, then she is off to a good start to what hopefully will be a wonderful experience in university in which she can form relationships that will last a lifetime. If she does not feel good about the individuals, then she should steer clear, for there is no benefit in wasting time and energy on people who are not good for her.
Think of it the way: most folks tend to enjoy being part of a family, and being part of a group of friends. Frats are groups of friends. Of course so are street gangs. The trick is to pick your friends wisely. When joining social groups, test the water before jumping. Once involved in social groups, don’t get in over one’s head to the diminishment of other aspects of a well rounded life.
Interesting thing I learned… there are a few, particularly older sororities that are considered fraternities because they were established before the concept (word?) of sorority was established.
My daughter belongs to one of these traditionally all female fraternities.
