Commercials that we can go ahead and retire from television...

Slow panning to a bedroom floor…clothes are strewn about…man is moaning in the background, “oh yeah, gimme some of that…mmmhmm…right over here.”
Camera goes to the bed, wife wakes up and prepares to give the husband the “I can’t believe you’re fantasizing about other women” look. Turns out, he is thinking Arby’s. Fantastic for him. I am tired of it.

Some SUV drives down the street. Kansas sings “Dust in the Wind”. All the SUVs that this particular vehicle passes instantaneously grow brittle and fall apart, fade into dust, grow ferns, crumple themselves into cubes of steel. We get it. This SUV makes all other SUVs obsolete. But I am getting sick of Kansas. Sick of “Dust in the Wind”. Sick of watching cars contort themselves into various positions of sado-masochism.

Am I missing any?


Tony Little starring in a Geico commercial.

the a-hole boss burger king commercials. OK…so the point is to associate burger king with a moderately sadistic terminally unfunny low-level supervisor humiliating his wage slaves in a mindnumbingly dull cubicloid environment. I have never wanted a burger king sandwich LESS in my life.

Any male enhancement commercial. That “Smilin’ Bob” commercial gives me the creeps.

What, you mean overtly sexually connotative teeny weenies aren’t funny?


Any commercial with Matthew Lesko (the “you can get $82,000 from the government just to sit on your fat ass and eat chocolate!” guy). He gives me the heebie jeebies something fierce (and his book is a big fraud if you’re interested- it’s basically the Catalog of Federal Domestic Assistance in another cover and no, it will not do the things he implies it will.)

Any locally made commercial in which a car or furniture dealer’s 3 year old gives the punchline.

I like em. I’ve heard that the product itself is a vicious scam that ruthlessly bilks its victims out of obscene amounts of money. But the visual puns make me snort.

Actually, I’m not sure if it’s on anymore, but some camera phone commercial where the guy takes pictures of the Father’s Day gifts that the guys at his office got and sends them to his wife (who got him the phone and one for herself), whereby they laugh at how lame they are and how goofy the guys look.

Yeah, laugh at the gift that like some 4-year old got her dad, way to go asshole.

Also, any commercial where something inconvenient happens, like a cop pulls you over because he wants to see your cool car, or thousands of ants that crawl on the TV and infest your house because the picture is so good they think the food is real.

Why would I buy a car if i’m going to keep getting pulled over by the cops, or a tv that will cause my house to be infested with ants?

I don’t know how many places have these, but I despise the Watkins Pool commercials. I especially despise the Watkins girl. She’s somewhat attractive but her voice fucking grates on me.
I very much dislike watching tampon/pad commercials. Some of them make me shudder.
The Capital One commercials with David Spade have gone on far too long.
The Pepto Bismol conga line needs to go.

However. No ad line has ever been so insidious, so perfectly designed and so fucking repulsive that I change the channel whenever I have the remote as DeBeers goddamn diamonds. “Buy her love.” Or, in essence, “If he doesn’t buy you diamonds, then he obviously doesn’t care for you or your relationship in any meaningful way. Only cold, rock-hearted men won’t buy you diamonds.” Fuck DeBeers and fuck their diamonds. They’ve made enough money to buy a continent with many decades of pounding one message. Oh, and creating a false monopoly on the blood and sweat of people who are more or less slaves.
Not that I’m bitter.

Hung Mung, I hate those diamond commercials too, for so many reasons, not the least of which is the manipulative and materialistic message they use to guilt-trip men into buying expensive jewelry. Notice how they usually depict middle aged couples getting an anniversary ring, not young couples? They target people who can drop the big bucks.

Around here we have a used car dealership commercial that features the owners, who are big, loud, obnoxious guys with heavy regional accents yelling and gesticulating a lot. I would never buy a car from these guys because by now I want to kick them both in the shins.

I also would like to get rid of all the beer commercials where a guy disses a girl so he can have a beer instead. This was a theme for a while, where a girl would think a guy was staring at her, but he was really looking at her beer, and stuff like that. Any guy who would reject or ignore an attractive woman in a bar in favor of a beer needs medical attention, IMO.

“Beep beep. Dot com. To shop for cars online”

Ahhhh! Make it stop!!!

After hearing that song about a gazillion times (because they play it almost every stinking break) I’ve started muting all adverts. Problem is, when I see that commercial the damn song plays in my head. It just won’t. go.away.

Zoom zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom zoom!

< cocks shotgun>


Get a new ad campaign, Mazda. Preferably one that depends on, you know, actual words.

This also applies to any other ad (almost always car ads) with no dialogue, just subliterate grunting and 130-decibel “music.”

Jon-friggen-Basedow-and-his-friggen-sixpack-abs. Every commercial break. Every. Single. One.

Oh, and that’ Subaru Tribeca in your add got beat with an ugly stick. From certain angles, I don’t even think it’s Mother would love it.

Bolding is my change. I hate those commercials!

ooh hoo, ooh hoo hoo!
(repeat ad nauseum)

I actually find these commercials quite amusing…

Well, I like those. Especially the treadmill & the rocket.

The ID theft commercials are being rerun around here. They were funny when they were fresh. Now it’s annoying.

Yeah, that new Subaru commercial with Kansas just rubbed me the wrong way from the get go. Makes my skin crawl away and hide under the bed.

Enough with the fucking gecko, already.

Sylvan Learning Center commercials have made me go into diabetic coma.

I wish Catherine Zeta Jones would just pack up her giant saddlebags and go away.

Snuggles the bear must hang.

All the tampon and sanitary pad commercials!

Someone said girls need to know. Well, perhaps. But I have never once bought a tampon or pad because of a commercial. I found a brand i liked, and I stick to it.

Ditto. That one that’s on now where the sales woman approaches women in the “feminine care” aisle of the grocery store and asks them if their pads or pantyliners or whatever get smelly and sticky just skeeves me out. And then she takes her brand, after she’s poured water or whatever on it, and taps it against her shirt to show how dry it is… oh my OG. ICK. Make it stop!