Mrs. WeHaveCookies and I are getting hitched in May, and we’re currently embroiled in a passionate (yet ultimately pointless) debate about what to say to our invited guests about gifts, and how to say it.
Nothing about us, the ceremony, the location (Zion Nat’l Park), the home-made “invitation brochure”, etc…is at all traditional. We’re trying to send out some RSVP cards to get an actual head-count, because we didn’t clearly spell out an RSVP request in the invitations, so only our immediate family is chiming in with confirmed travel plans and such.
Mrs. WeHaveCookies wants to just say “No gifts please”. This is fine, in theory. We really don’t need or want any household appliances or the like. But in my experience, people still tend to give gifts even when the couple asks them not to. So I suggested that we provide some constructive guidance toward something like a “Honeymoon fund” or register on REI.com for the canoe we’ve been wanting to buy forever.
Further rationalization for my point of view is that, because it requires travel for absolutely everyone that we’ve invited, and ourselves as well, not many people that we’ve invited are actually going to attend, and would be much more likely to show their love and support through some sort of gift, even if we specifically ask them not to.
But apparently this idea is interpreted by Mrs. WeHaveCookies, her Mom, and her Sister (who had a very traditional heterosexual wedding a couple of years ago) as a) asking for money and therefore b) rude.
The ladies are quite correct on both counts. It’s proper to maintain the idea that gifts are completely optional.
However, it’s also perfectly proper for you to prime all your closest friends and relatives on how to answer should anyone approach them for ideas on what to get you.
My perspective, of course, is that gifts are optional. To be more precise, we’d really rather not receive any. But if they’re going to be stubborn about it, as I’m sure some people will be, why is it rude to suggest contributing toward a trip or a canoe instead of buying us a blender?
Putting those little “we’re registered at ______” cards (or, worse, “cash only please” lines on invitations) is essentially begging for gifts and not at all polite. However, it is perfectly polite (and expected) for you to a) actually register somewhere and b) inform your nearest and dearest (i.e., people who are likely to be asked) where you’re registered/what your gift preferences are.
Do register somewhere, by the way. There are people who just don’t feel right either not giving something (even just a token) physical to mark the occasion. Don’t make it harder on them (and you when you get whatever thing they came up with without your guidance) than it’s gotta be!
There are inevitably people who feel weird about not giving some object as a gift (as opposed to just giving money or nothing at all), even if the couple really doesn’t want anything. They’ll feel bad not giving you a blender-or-something, so give them a list of choices to pick from that are something you might actually want or need.
Mostly though, folks know to ask your mom, or your SO’s mom, or your best friend (or even you directly) about such matters, so if you clue in your nearest and dearest you should be fine.
Saying ‘no gifts please’ is fine. Registering for gifts is fine, although ettiquite says that you shouldn’t say where you are registered on the invitation. I understand that the guests are supposed to ask someone where you’re registered. (I’ve never understood that one)
Asking for a donation to a honeymoon fund or for cash is not proper, unless the guest specifically asks you. The rules are confusing, I tell ya.
To further complicate things, your username is making me hungry.
No idea what Ms. Manners and her ilk would say, but I’d vote with the wimmenfolk.
And at least a part of my opinion may be due to the fact that I’m really really not a fan of “destination” weddings.
We’re in Georgia (though by the time the date arrives, we’ll have moved to California). My family and friends are mostly either in GA or CA, one in OR. Her family is all in ND, friends in OR and FL. Zion is breathtaking and centrally located. There was no way to avoid a destination for at least 2/3 of our guestlist no matter where we selected.
I expect to get a “we are registered at…” card with the shower invite. If I ain’t invited to the shower (God willing), I ain’t buying a gift.
I don’t expect to get a “we are registered at…” card with the wedding invite but it wouldn’t put me off if I got one.
I personally expect to give cash at weddings. People getting married need cash, not trinkets. But if trinkets are what you need, I appreciate knowing what exact trinkets you need.
But even I would find it rude to see “give money to…” on an invite. If I really wanted to give an object as a gift and I didn’t see any “we are registered…” notices anywhere, I’d call and say “hey where are you registered?” and expect to hear “we do not need anything. We are saving our money for our honeymoon.” Then I’d either give cash or something sentimental that people don’t know they need yet (as in…not a toaster.)
Yeah, but by choosing a “central” location, travel is required of 100%.
Heck - a lot of people do destination weddings. I was just observing as to my personal preferences. But seeing as how anyone attending will necessarily be spending at least a few hundred bucks, I’d feel pretty tacky about asking for more money from them.
This is what I put on our invitations. We’re having a handfasting and it’s not at all traditional, and we’re very relaxed about it. We really don’t want any gifts, although his mom is insisting on giving us money (which is actually helpful, unlike the whole blender thing…actually, that’s the one thing I could use, is a blender. Next payday, perhaps).
“We have asked that we not be given gifts - despite the fact that this is a very joyous occasion for us, we have lived together since day one and unfortunately, have an entire apartment full of things we’d rather get rid of! If you feel that a gift of some sort must be given, we ask that you donate to a charity that helps children in need instead. If this is not to your liking, feel free to talk to us privately, after our day of solitude.”
This leaves it up to them, and if they really want to press the issue, they can talk to us privately. However, hopefully someone will actually do the charity thing, because I really like the idea that us getting married could help a kid somehow.
I think the whole issue and debate is stemming from the fact that although (as I said in the OP) nothing about this ceremony is traditional, we had to invite people somehow, and we can’t stop people interpreting that invitation as a traditional invitation no matter how hard we try.
We’re going somewhere beautiful and meaningful to us, we’re going to say some things to eachother that are going to make our Mom’s cry, see some of the park for a day or two, and then head to Vegas for a couple of days to have some fun with whoever wants to join us.
Obviously the people who are making the trip have spent money to get there. How many ways can I say (in the thread) that we don’t want gifts? Especially from the people who are going to attend. Most of the people invited are not going to attend, and we don’t want gifts from them either. But chances are, we’re going to be getting gifts from both subsections of the invite list anyway, I’m sure. That doesn’t mean we’re asking for them or expecting them because we feel entitled to them. We’re anticipating them because, as others have posted, sometimes gifts are what people do at weddings no matter what you try and tell them.
Wayyy back when I first proposed, the plan was to invite folks to Vegas for a few days, and then go off by ourselves to the rim of the Grand Canyon and exchange some vow-like stuff, and then go back and have fun hanging out with whoever had made the trip. But that idea was not received very well because everyone was apparently eager to participate in their first real live lesbian commitment ceremony thing, and we caved.
Each day that goes by I find myself wishing that we’d stuck to our guns…
As many as you like, but it’s right there in your title and OP that you want to know the etiquette around it. The etiquette around gift giving is that you don’t ask for them (especially if you don’t want them) but if someone gives you one anyway, you graciously accept the 25th blender as well as you did the first, send off a thank you card, and then take 24 blenders back to the store and exchange them for something you can use.
OR, you go register at REI (yes, they have a registry), and tell your Moms and sisters, so that when THEY call your guests for a head count*, they can answer anyone who asks about gifts with, “Well, they’re not keen on housewares, but they’ve registered at REI.”
*This is their job, by the way, not yours. Ideally, ettiquittally, it shouldn’t be done, but since you didn’t include RSVP cards and you need a headcount…
REI online gift registry Look, you don’t even have to go to the store! And it doesn’t matter where your guests live, as long as they have internet access. If you think the canoe is so expensive that no one person would buy it, register for 6 sleeping bags and return them for the canoe later.
I’m not sure what exactly the problem is – are you worried that people will give gifts, period, or that they will give gifts but that it will be stuff that you totally don’t want/need? If the former, then you can put ‘no gifts’ on the invite**, or put nothing and tell people ‘no gifts’ when they ask. If the latter, well, I don’t think you can do much about that, except register and wait for people to ask where. If people want ideas, they’ll ask, otherwise they’ve got it covered. And if they like the idea of donating to your honeymoon/canoe, then very likely they’re the type who would have just written you a check in the first place.
Just my opinion, but I personally don’t think that the fact that a wedding is ‘non-traditional’ should affect whether/how you ask for gifts. I think its great to do things differently when its your own dime, but when it comes to the wallets of friends and families, its better to stick to the customs that they will be comfortable with.
Congrats on your wedding!
**FWIW, this actually is against strict etiquette, since it assumes the guests were planning on giving you something in the first place.
I’m not really sure where the problem is either. I think I’m just stressing myself out.
We sent the home-made invite brochures out a long time ago. I believe it was much earlier than the traditional invitation timeframe. This was done to allow enough time for the travel/lodging arrangements. We also selected a three day weekend so that people wouldn’t need to ask for any days off, unless they wanted to stay on longer at either Zion or Vegas.
I should have mentioned the charity option in my OP, as it is also something that we’d like to suggest.
I think we’ll just go with “No gifts please”. I filled out the REI registry stuff yesterday, and we’ll use that and a few charity sites as our backup plan if people ask us or our Mom’s.
I tells ya…the traditional aspects of weddings and funerals make absolutely no sense to me.
