That’s a lesson it took me a while to learn and fully understand. And I did a lot of dating.
Ignoring huge problems because you love the other person. Love doesn’t replace a paycheck. Love doesn’t replace trust. Love doesn’t replace responsibility. If I could go back in time and bitchslap my 19 year old self for sticking with a guy who did nothing but drink his time away and live on his dad’s couch I wouldn’t because that mistake taught me a lot about myself, love, and responsibility, but I would sure think about it from time to time.
Don’t date someone because you pity them. More than once, I’ve dated someone just because he liked me and thus I felt obligated to be with him. A friend of mine, during some sort of debate (I can’t remember what about) asked me if I would care if my then-boyfriend were to cheat on me. I blurted out “well of COURSE I would!” but after thinking about it for another second or two, I realized that no, I really would NOT care if he cheated on me. We broke up soon afterward. (And no, he never cheated on me.)
It’s become sort of my litmus test for relationships. If I’m indifferent to the thought of their cheating on me, the relationship should end, and soon.
I made a LOT of these kinds of mistakes when my wife and I first started dating, at age 17. She was my first really serious relationship, and it took us many years to mature together.
I rushed far too quickly into the “I love you FOREVER” talk. (Be it noted, however, that I started seeing her only 7 days before shipping out for the Army, so there was a rather significant circumstance that prohibited an otherwise normal relationship evolution.)
I was needy and hopelessly clingy, overly dramatic, and took a lot of things way too seriously. I had no clue about “picking your battles”.
Thinking that “total honesty” in a relationship was a virtue, I said some very hurtful things to her, that should never have been said.
…and made pretty much every other “rookie mistake”.
Between 17 and 25 our relationship was rocky and off-and-on, but when at age 25 I asked her to marry me, I was finally sure. And I have never regretted it (we’re now 35 and have a beautiful six-year-old daughter, and a happy home).
But yeah, I would NEVER want to have to “re-learn” those hard love lessons.
I would amend this to, “Don’t *feel obligated *to date someone because you pity them, and don’t *stay *in a relationship that isn’t working out of pity.” An old friend’s parents started dating because her mom felt sorry for her dad–then they discovered they were actually a great match.
I think this is what my ex did, and she very quickly realized she didn’t like me as much as I liked her but couldn’t tell me so. It’s made me more than a little skittish about approaching someone else.