So several people in the “Would virginity be a dealbreaker for you” thread said that having had a previous relationship gives you the opportunity to learn about relationships.
What are the common mistakes one does (or fails to) learn from in early relationships? What did you learn in your early relationship(s) that helped you in following relationships?
One might be dealing with the current partner as if they were the one immediately previous.
In college, I and one particular female friend of mine, “Heather,” were the only persons in our circle who worked full-time in addition to going to school full-time. Before dating me, Heather had a boyfriend who, not understanding what that was like, perpetually gave her shit about things she had to do to juggle the two–not having all her Friday & Saturday nights free, for instance. When she and I dated, she was perpetually apologizing for things I took no offense at, because I was in the same situation and understood.
If you are able to learn from experience (which is difficult when it comes to relationships) you will have some perspective on the passion/romance aspect and how it relates to long term stability of the relationship.
With the “first love” people tend to fall head-over-heals and do a lot of things that they later realize were pretty stupid. Usually that means they push things too fast, make incorrect assumptions about the other person or blind themselves to warning signs that the person might not be the right one for them. When the flame-out occurs they are devastated.
With that said, there are a lot of people that never learn from experience and just recycle their mistakes. Others do learn from experience and when the right person for them comes along they know it because they knew what to look for.
There are no guarantees. However, there are a lot of people that have solid, long term relationship because their feelings and expectations are grounded in reality. Oftentimes, that ability to deal with life realistically comes from experience or, you might say, the School of Hard Knocks.
I was a young un at ‘Oogli,
Shy as a girl to begin;
Aggie de Castrer she made me,
An’ Aggie was clever as sin;
Older than me, but my first un –
More like a mother she were –
Showed me the way to promotion an’ pay,
An’ I learned about women from 'er!
Then I was ordered to Burma,
Actin’ in charge o’ Bazar,
An’ I got me a tiddy live ‘eathen
Through buyin’ supplies off ‘er pa.
Funny an’ yellow an’ faithful –
Doll in a teacup she were,
But we lived on the square, like a true-married pair,
An’ I learned about women from 'er!
Then we was shifted to Neemuch
(Or I might ha’ been keepin’ ‘er now),
An’ I took with a shiny she-devil,
The wife of a nigger at Mhow;
‘Taught me the gipsy-folks’ ~bolee~;
Kind o’ volcano she were,
For she knifed me one night 'cause I wished she was white,
And I learned about women from 'er!
Ironically, after having learned this many years ago, in my last relationship, one morning I said “you’re lovely” and she replied “I love you too”. I was going to tell her she’d misheard me, but then I thought, awww, that’s cute, she loves me, don’t spoil the moment so I let it lie. I suspect this contributed to what caused her to break up with me: she thought I’d used the L word way too early, and got freaked out and blurted out the only non-hurtful reply. It would be a pity if we broke up just because of a misunderstanding, but them’s the breaks.
Not giving space … some people never learn that. Its OK to have individual interests, see your friends alone…for both of you.
Not understanding the “warning signs.” Has been out of school for years and still lives with Mom…hmmmm. Mom still does his laundry…hummmmmm. He doesn’t help around the house and his parents are pushing 70…hmmmmmmm.
Not understanding that the person you are with are basically the person they are going to be. There isn’t going to be a radical change in values. You aren’t going to change him or her. Someone who isn’t outdoorsy isn’t likely to LOVE camping long term. Someone who is lazy is not likely to find ambition, someone who drinks, smokes, spends too much is unlikely to suddenly become a moderate person.
I’d agree with failing to see warning signs: long string of sporatic employment, heavy substance abuse, not treating family with respect, ect.
Another second on not giving space. A lot of new relationships end up peetering out because both partners were full-on, balls-to-the-wall, inseperable for the first few months while the endorphins were flyin’ and the passion was new. Those endorphins start to fade and the partners end up getting tired of one another. At that point, however, each partner has abandoned their independent lives and become the dreaded “we.” Panic ensues, and break-ups follow. Keep your spirit of independence and you avoid that “oh shit!” moment when the endorphins start to fade. And they will. Have your own hobbies, don’t tie up your entire sense of self and happiness in “we.”
Don’t try to go too far, too fast. Sometimes it works out, but more often than not one partner is going at a slightly different speed than the other. Don’t scare the shit out of the slower partner with undying declarations of love two weeks in.
Having too high of expectations. I heard once that expectations are the building blocks of resentment. So true. Your partner is who they are, not who you want them to be. If you’re looking at your new mate as a piece of clay waiting to be molded, you’re in for a world of dissapointment.
A teen-years boyfriend broke up with me because I was going through a stressful time and was a real bitch to him. I learned that just because someone is the closest person to you doesn’t mean you can dump all your shit on them.
Then again, I know some people who have never learned that lesson.
So do I: they’re called “my exes”.
Honesty is bad. Honesty in a total-full-disclosure-speak-your-mind-at-all-times kind of way, I mean.
Long ago I made the naive mistake of believing that you should never lie to the person you love and would just blurt out ridiculous shit as the thoughts came to me which, of course, led to constant misunderstandings/fights.
Having an internal editor and being able to convincingly tell the little white lies is invaluable.
Note to self:
Do not tell future girlfriends about favorite hobby of date-raping walrus’.
EDIT: Also probably best not to mention dating walrus’ at all.
When I was younger, I’d come off as really confident at first, but as the relationship progressed, I’d get more insecure. I don’t know why that’d happen, but it was really damaging, not only to the relationship, but to myself. Even though it’s nice for someone to say nice things to you, you shouldn’t rely on anyone else to validate you - ever.
Also, I second going to far too fast. Don’t assume someone is your boyfriend or girlfriend just because you had a few dates. And unless explicitly stated, don’t assume you’re exclusive. To cite an extreme example, I had someone propose to me on the second date. Scared the hell out of me. It was time to call a cab.
Misunderstandings - this is the main one I found. Make sure you really understand what is being said even if you have to ask a few times. I’d row about something ending with “Just because you don’t want to go” to which he’d say “What? I said I really wanted to go” … but by then all sorts of other stuff would have been said.
#2: Infatuation is not enough for a viable long-term committed (i.e. marriage) relationship. Talking about how divorce is an awful thing will not, in fact, prevent you from divorcing. Both of you being committed to the permanency of the relationship is a must. (We didn’t get married, and I think it was a near miss for me because I have no doubt we would be divorced by now if we had.)
#3: You cannot fix your significant other. If he cannot fix himself, either learn to deal with it or, if you can’t, break it off as soon as possible.
#4: Communication can head off a lot of conflict!
My sister’s #1: Sharing a sense of humor is at least as important as sharing a sense of physical attraction.
My sister’s #1.5 (very short-lived): Being the same religion does not make up for being kind of a jerk.
My sister’s #2: Guys who expect their girlfriends to do all the work (cooking, cleaning, etc.) run the risk of ending up with nagging girlfriends.
My sister’s #3: It’s totally worth not settling for “good enough,” because “perfect match” is soooo much better.
Maybe the most important thing I learned was picking your fights. If you care enough to fight about it, make sure you fight right away. If you don’t, it festers and when it does come out, it explodes. If you fight early, fight often, and fight when it’s important, your fights will be less confrontational and more productive. Also, learn how to fight without anger or resentment. If something is honestly bothering you, don’t hesitate to say it. On the other hand, don’t pick a fight over something that isn’t that important to begin with. Be mature enough to let the little things go.
And don’t tell them that they resemble walruses. Even if you find their walrus-like characteristics attractive. They’ll take it the wrong way.
And that’s why my #1 Most Important Lesson (not learned the hard way, thank goodness) is and probably always will be:
That nasty thing you *really *want to say? To hurt the other person because you’re mad? Don’t say it. You’ll regret it later.
Some people just can’t accept an earnest compliment.
I know (from previous polls/posts here) that a LOT of people will disagree, but I think it’s a mistake to have sex too fast. Many people attach a lot of emotion to sex and I think having sex with someone before you really know them is giving off a false sense of having intimacy.
It’s ok. You can eat my oysters any day of the week. That is, if I had any 