Confession? Dunno (lightly sexual theme)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Don’t know why I’m posting this, probably because this is MPSIMS, and I feel I need to get this off my chest, maybe see if there are others who feel as I do.

For most of my life I’ve had a very strong feeling about loyalty and the sanctity of marraige, likely fostered by the strong marraige my parents share. I’ve also had a very low sex-drive. It takes quite a bit to get me interrested in anything sexual.

Why then do I find that, for the past several months, I have a raging sexual desire for one of my friends who is very hapilly married? I can’t come up with any reason for it, but she really dominates my thoughts. I’ve known her for years, and this sort of thing has never happened before. It’s disconcerting. Anyone else have this sort of… Uhm… Disconcertingness? Or any ideas what the heck I should do to get it to stop?!

2

My guess is that you’re focusing on an unattainable woman in order to avoid having to find one who is actually available to you. On some level, you’re either afraid of or not ready for a romantic and/or sexual relationship, and you don’t want to risk actually finding yourself in one. The fantasy is a risk-free way to work out the frustration born of your unfulfilled carnal desires.

3

Oh, and as for what you should to to get it to stop: I don’t really see why you need it to stop, but if it makes you that uncomfortable, maybe you could work through your laziness/apprehension about relationships and find an available woman to focus your sexual energies on.

4

Did she do or say anything months ago that all of a sudden got your hormones fired up? Did she perhaps say anything about her bedroom life, or look at you in a certain way, or wear an outfit that made her look very different to you than before?

Who knows why you take a sudden liking to a person sometimes? I had a woman who told me once that she was completely turned on by the way I sat in my driver’s seat and drove my car. It could be that you saw someone at a club, on TV, or in a magazine that stirred your loins, then you forgot about it until you saw your friend again (who reminds you of the other person) and you projected those desires on to a real live person. Again, who knows?

As for this fantasy being risk-free, that depends on your self-control. Try as you might, you may let something slip in conversation or look at her in the wrong way that would let her know about your desire for her. That could ruin your friendship. Simple avoidance might work unless she’s used to seeing you frequently. Then again, avoidance may make your desires stronger. Perhaps actually spending time with her and other friends in a completely nonsexual environment would cool your flames and bring her back into a light of friendship in your eyes. Only you will know the answer to this riddle.

Best of luck to you, Matey.

5

Yes. The conversation recently has turned on occasion to how unsatisfied she is with her current partner’s lack of ‘drive’, but it’s always just been a passing thing.

Thanks for the well-wishes, even with the somewhat ambiguous advice. :confused:

6

Cuauhtemoc approaching is interesting, but since recent times I’ve started to think that subconscious thoughts and feelings aren’t that subconscious. Beg your pardon, Freud, but I’m suspecting that most of times we know what we feel and we want but we deny to accept it at least in a direct way. And that makes up feel guilty, not for what we want, but for being capable of wanting it. And sometimes we find shelter in the comfort of psychology. But as one doper told me once: “you are entitled to your feelings”.

Notice that you’re not talking about love, but about sexual desire, then you long for a “friendship sexual encounter”. Not interfering with her relationship, only to satisfy something inside you and you will be longing that she feels the same. It maybe sound selfish, but we all are very selfish in our inner thoughts and feelings.

I’m not advicing you to do it. That all depends if you really want to be convinced not to do it. But if you really want to do it, maybe a little bit of advicement oriented in that direction may pop a “what the hell/life is only one” attitude. So, the best friend’s advice has to be “don’t interfere”. It’s the logical, prudent decision and socially correct. Unfortunately, following these directions often makes life miserable. So read the disclaimer carefully.

[disclaimer]The following idea runs at your own risk. Me no responsible for a friendship or marriage break-up.[/disclaimer]
Another option might be confessing it to her. Just as a casual comment, and also telling her that you know it’s illogical and that “consciously” you respect her too much, and you don’t want to be intrusive in her marriage. Only two reactions can happen: 1) Thanks for telling me, you are a real friend, I trust you more than never, see you tomorrow, or 2) I feel the same for you, so let’s rock. And please, be nice and don’t show yourself anxious or “desperado”, but self-confident and talking as a pretty consenting adult. Both ways, she will thank you for your sincerity, and any of two results will end your suffering.

Or send her this link and tell her to read it. Then wait for her call. :smiley:

7

I don’t mean to be ambiguous. I’m only trying to relate possible outcomes based on the strength of your desire, your character, your morals, and your friendship with this woman.

You seem to be most concerned that she’s married, not that she’s your friend. So I take from that that while you’d have no problem approaching her if she were single and taking a chance to change the friendship into something else (better or worse), you value marriage and the monogamy it implies (and a lot of people hold to).

Interesting typo there. It was a typo, wasn’t it? :smiley: While I don’t advocate telling her either, I don’t think her reaction would would be quite that accepting. More likely she would become somewhat wary of you (for a while), or tell her husband. Your friendship would change. If she takes you up on your offer, just ask yourself if you really want to be the “other man”. If you’re solely into it for the sex, then you might well accept that, but if you want more of a relationship then chances are you won’t get it.

Time will probably rid you of these desires eventually, as would another person to direct your attention to. Or delving into your current hobbies or finding a new one, or being handed a big project at work.

8

Horseflesh: it happens that my native language is spanish and sometimes I commit those mistakes. I think I meant “more than ever” (I’m mexican, but “my location” isn’t there anymore (at the left of the post, I mean)).

I don’t advocate that idea either, that was the disclaimer for. But I also don’t think she will accept. In fact, I wasn’t suggesting “an indecent proposal”. That’s what I wrote: “Just as a casual comment, and also telling her that you know it’s illogical and that ‘consciously’ you respect her too much, and you don’t want to be intrusive in her marriage”. I have some female friends, happily married, that I’m sure if I felt that crunch for them and I confess it, stating that I don’t have any intention, they will thank my honesty. And nothing would happen. But only him, ArrMatey, can know if she would react that way.

Actually I was dubious to post that message, but if it would cause problems, ArrMatey!, please, pretend that you never read it. Ehh… ArrMatey! Are you still there! Dammit! Too late, he’s gone!

9

WOW… This one couldn’t be more right up my alley… Over a year ago, I started to realize I had feelings (sexual and otherwise) for a friend who was not so happily married… I also have the same ideas about and respect for marriage and monogamy (my parents got divorced out of the blue when I was 14, no visible problems, and that created a strong distaste for cheating) So I tried a number of different tactics to forget about my feelings… Avoidance worked very poorly, as the more time I spent away from her, the more time I wanted to be with her… Immersion therapy worked poorly as well… The more time I spent with her (to try to find flaws and realize my feelings were silly) the more I wanted to be with her… The one thing that finally took care of the longing was telling her. Yep, it solved the problem… But not in the way you’d think.

So we’ve been dating now for over 7 months, she’s in the process of getting a divorce, and both our lives have completely changed… In the end, I think for the better. There is, of course, a lot more to it than that… There have been great times, but there have also been trials and tribulations as well. All in all, though, we’re both really happy. We’ve been through most of the hard times that come with a relationship of this sort, so we’re looking forward to better times, as well…

As for my principles on dating, marriage, and cheating… Well, principles are only useful if they’re sometimes tested… In other words, this will either make or break your principles on cheating… For me, it’s changed my ideas on what makes a relationship… The fact that my girlfriend is still married at this point has become something of a sidenote, because even when I told her, she and her husband were living apart and their marriage was nothing more than a piece of paper… This may be a rationalization, but I still feel that I wouldn’t cheat on her with anybody, and I trust her to do the same because I know how she felt as well…

However, after saying all of this, I’m not necessarily advocating telling her about your feelings. There are many different reactions she could have… Telling her will change everything between the two of you… For better or worse (or both)… If she goes for it, what do you expect to become? Would you want to have a relationship with her, or just a little something special on the side? Would you expect her to divorce? Would you want her to? Would you be able to reconcile your principles with your actions? Would you be able to trust her after she’s cheated on her husband? Alternately, she might not respond with similar feelings… Are you prepared to deal with the loss of a friendship, should it come to that? It’s a calculated risk… And I suggest that you seriously consider these questions before you do anything… I went into my situation unprepared, and thankfully it’s worked out well for me, but had I been more prepared, I think the situation might have been quite a bit easier.

In any case, I’ll tell you that for a man of your principles, sneaking around will be the worst guilt you’ve ever carried… I hope I’ve helped a little bit…

10

I agree with those who advise talking to her about it, but you could bring it up in a roundabout way. Next time she starts talking about her sex life, say something like, “Do you think you could find a girlfriend to talk about that with? We’ve been good friends for a long time, but come on, I’m still a guy and you’re an attractive woman.”

Another good reason to go about it this way: she may be aware of your feelings on some level. As in, if she’s unhappy at home she may be enjoying your attention without realizing the conflict it’s causing you. Or conversely, she might be interested and needs to know where you stand.

And if she’s been totally oblivious, this will give her a heads-up without opening a big ugly can of worms.