Congratulations on Your New Elder God

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It occured to me this morning that if you’re going to invoke an elder God, it should at least come with an owners manual.

Caring for your Yog-Sothoth

If you are lucky enough to be reading this and have not been eaten, gone insane from the horror of it all, or cast into some nameless void, congratulations! You’ve successfully invoked a Yog Sothoth of your own from some alternate dimension. Normally, this would be the end of it for you. But properly maintained and cared for, your Yog-Sothoth should provide you with depravity and eldritch horror for years to come.

Your normal Yog-Sothoth, having just been summoned from imprisonment in an alternate universe is likely to show signs of disorientation and being more than just a little pissed off. A steady diet of Cheez Doodles has been known to mollify the slathering beast from hell until it becomes more comfortable with it’s surroundings.

Feeding

Cows are the recommended staple for your Sothoth, especially during the early developing stages. However, eventually it will want to move on to tastier game. Specifically to be resisted is the tempation to feed it someone who comes up to you on thes street handing out Chick tracts. They are likely to leave a sour taste in it’s stomach. But that punky teenage kid who’s got the ultra loud bass speakers in his car and is not above playing them at 3:00 in the morning? Mmmm … now there’s good eatin’.

Cleaning

Left to their own, most Sothoths have a tendancy towards gooiness. This is to be expected but it does require consistant cleaning as most Sothoth droppings will leave horrid stains on the coffee table. Constant use of a mop and bucket with lots of bleach is to be expected, especially in areas that get slurped by those pesky psuedopods.

Naming Your Sothoth

It’s important to some to name their Sothoth, although some Sothoth’s get a little uppity at no longer being one of the nameless ones. So, give it a name that supports it’s unearthly terror. The ability for anyone human to pronounce the name is only an option. Spelling should be inconsistant. Vowels should be avoided.

Dental Care

Having you teeth dripping with repellant gore all day really puts a strain on the dental clenliness of your Sothoth and can lead to early fang loss. Nobody likes a gummy Sothoth. So be sure to find a dentist who is familiar with unwordly fillings and root canal. The proper dentist can be difficult to find, but when you do … mmm… now there’s good eatin’.

Training

You’re on your own.

Important Note

Never sneak up behind your Sothoth and say “boo!”

Good luck, and Yog Sothoth Neblod Zin!

[Edited by Eutychus55 on 11-19-2001 at 06:30 PM]

2

LOL!

However…

I’m going to be anal and note that the Elder God/Great Old One in question is Yog-Sothoth.

A shoggoth is a more or less extremely-vaguely-described beast.

You know…just being cautionary. The last thing one wants to do when summoning Cthulhean horrors is get confused…

jayjay

3

Duly noted and changed. Thanks!

4

:smiley: Now I want one.

5

psst

You might wanna spell it “congratulations”, too. :wink:

6

Hey! I nominate this one for Teemings on the grounds that I wish I’d written it, dammit!

Seriously, this was priceless, Euty! LOL!

Fenris

7

At least there was so “Some Assembly Required” for my new Yog-Sothoth. Now I just need some Triple ZZZ batteries and I should be all set.

8

I’m not going to do the whole thing, but wouldn’t it be a hoot-and-a-half to rewrite the instructions to read like those weirdly interpreted instructions that come with cheesy Taiwanese products?

Caws are we recommend for the feeding of Sothoth, and is especially in the early of developing stages. Note, it is growning and is wanting game of excellent tastiness. Although the tempting of owner to feed to Sothoth Chick tract man, we find they are leaving sour tasting to the stomach. We suggesting teenager of punk who is to play car stereo with great loudness in early morning hours. Sothoth will smile with pleasure!

9

It’s the latest craze! Get yours now!
The Cabbage Patch Elder Gods

Each comes with its on Certificate of Invocation, with the date it was Summoned.

10

Do not taunt Happy Fun Sothtoth[sup]TM[/sup]

11

makes a note on the Christmas list she’s sending to her parents “One Elder God …”

12

The steaming pile of gel that was once my next-door neighbor wishes to pass on that you should under no circumstances name your new Elder God “Fluffy Snookums.”

Ouch.

13

Was it the name, or did they try to kiss it on the lips?

[sub]And what would a Yog’s lips look like? Assuming you don’t fall into the mountains of madness first . . . [/sub]

14

Laugh it up, mortal.

15

[angry neighbor voice]Hey! Your damn elder god keeps crappin on my lawn! How many times I gotta tell you to keep your lousy elder god off my propertyyeEEAAAAGH!![/angry neighbor voice]

16

/bows in humility before Euty [sub]and then rudely hijacks the thread.[/sub]

It kinda makes me wonder what would happen if Jack Chick converted to Elder God worship. (Chthonianism?)

You know, in keeping with the fine tradition of Chick Parodies.

17

[hijack]
[foghorn leghorn]hey, i resemble that remark![/FL]
but boy, that’s a great imitation…
[/hijack]
carry on… assumes anticipatory position

18

Boy, does this ever jog the memory. When we were kids, we had a book that we’d ordered from those Scholastic Books orders you’d get at school: How to Care for Your Monster by Norman Bridwell. Did pretty much the same thing with the four classic monster types: Frankenstein, Vampire, Mummy, and Werewolf. Great pictures throughout (the one where they showed the perils of unwinding your mummy too far never failed to crack me up–he looked like a body double for Monty Burns, and seemed rather mortified). Probably still down in the parents’ basement somewhere. There’s a copy up for auction on Amazon that they’re asking $72.00 for.

19

Not sure where it originated, but I doubt if I find a better opportunity to share this quote I see from time to time:

“The Elder Gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

20

From Phil Foglio’s adaptation of Robert Asprin’s “Myth Adventures”

http://www.airshipentertainment.com/mythcomic.php?date=20100420