As others have pointed out, the parents don’t need to know the details (or anything) about any fund you set up for the grandchild.
Well, anything is possible, but just think, if you die soon, you won’t really know either way. Problem solved! What if the entire world economy collapses and we no longer use money but instead pay for things with seashells? There’s a lot about the future we just can’t control or predict.
Can we not look at this as “chickening out” and instead look at it as “hey, it was a pleasant brunch so that right there is a sign that your daughter is trying keep things nice, so why pick that moment to cross-examine her about her feelings about her mother, some of which you really might not even want to hear in the first place?”
I think you are making a false assumption that “pleasant” = superficial and “running through a list of grievances” = authentic. It sounds to me like your daughter was trying to propose something that would make your wife feel part of the Christmas planning for your granddaughter, and to me, that sounds like AN AUTHENTIC EFFORT TO BE KIND AND INCLUSIVE. Why are either you or your wife looking at this and thinking “now, how can we make this less enjoyable and more awkward?”
So really, the question that everyone wants to know the answer to: DID YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT CANCELLING THE SKI TRIP BECAUSE OF THE BLANKET FRINGE THING? WE MUST KNOW!
See, paragraphs like this are why I might emphathize with some of your daughter’s feelings. Your words come across as needing to be “right”, regardless of how that impacts a happy relationship. Again, we only have your words on a screen to go by but this paragraph is full of clues to me why you may be having conflicts.
As to the money, gifts don’t have conditions. Either give a gift, or don’t.
The “Well? Did they go on vacation or not?” is one of the great unsolved Dope mysteries, along with “Who was after FORMERAgent and did they get him?” (guess: probably nobody and therefore no), “Did Phaedrus pay Manny when Manny won that bet?” (guess: Almost certainly not) and a couple of others.
But on the “Someone braided my fringe so now NOBODY gets to go on our vacation” question, I can’t even guess if they went skiing or not. The mystery must be solved!
If you think your daughter was intending to be cruel and hurtful, that’s one thing.
But based on everything you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like she was. It sounds like she was getting some feelings off her chest about past and current grievances, and it just so happened that her words inflicted harm on you.
I’m gonna guess that this daughter knows she’s the black sheep of the family. The black sheep always know who they are. She knows you’re disappointed in her choices because she knows what your values are–since it doesn’t sound like you are the type to keep them quiet. This has to be doing a number on her psychologically.
Sometimes when I’m around my parents and they start puffing up about their wonderful parenting skills and how well their children turned out, I feel an unpleasant sensation bubble up in my chest. During such moments, I have to suppress the urge to take them down a notch. Because my memory isn’t the same as theirs. They may concede that they had their moments of imperfection, but that’s not the same thing as apologizing for the shit they did. They never seem to remember the real shit. Just the funny stuff that no one would really fault them for.
Sounds like your daughter had a moment of weakness where she was not able to hold herself back. Now if I were her, I’d probably apologize for the outburst. But without knowing more about why your daughter feels the way she does, I’m not about to say she was wrong. If you and your wife have a history of pushing her buttons and overstepping your boundaries, then she’s perfectly justified in her feelings.
Your daughter isn’t living under your roof. She’s supporting herself. Giving her a smaller Christmas present as punishment isn’t going to do anything but communicate to her that she’s not as important to you as the other kids. Maybe this is the exact message you want to give her–I don’t know. But it’s not really what I’d expect from loving parents.
Something you wrote earlier, gave me the impression that you have less respect for people who don’t push themselves—and that your daughter doesn’t push herself. How can she not feel less appreciated?
It may be that she doesn’t understand that you do appreciate her. Have you shown her that you value her for the positive traits that she has? Her abilities may not be in the areas that you excel in. Have you recognized the good things about her? ----Maybe she’s just inferior. Can you value something inferior? I can. My cats are as dumb as cats; but I still love them.
But I am near a similar impasse, but from the other side. As an unappreciated 50 year old son, do I walk away from my 86 year old mother? Do I say that it’s my siblings responsibilities to care for her?-----She surely says, "If you’d act better, I’d accept you. . . "
Maybe it’s best for all parties involved to cut ties. If you really value your daughter less, it is in both of your interests to let her go. She’ll do better on her own.
If you love her, let her live her life with it’s own repercussions. You can’t worry about throwing good money after bad. if you spent money on something you value, that money was well spent. It’s OK to stop spending money on things you no longer value. But figuring out what you value is all on you.
If you really want to give something to your daughter that truly expresses love, selflessness, and humility, perhaps a listening ear would the perfect gift to offer. Not in lieu of money (or whatever else you are planning to give your other kids), but in addition to it.
I agree with Manda Jo. Your posts throughout the years paint a certain portrait of you and your wife that isn’t particularly positive. Judgemental, rigid (“my way or the highway”), hypersensitive, and emotionally frugal come to mind. The issues that often bring you to post here suggests a household climate that would be hard for a lot of personalities to enjoy. So consider the possibility that all your kids harbor some resentments towards you, and it’s just your black sheep daughter that has the passion to express herself.
I’m sure that prospect is upsetting, and as a parent myself, I totally empathize. But it’s unlikely her outburst was completely divorced from reality. Your choice to is assume that it is and ignore what she said in favor of your own (self-serving) opinions. Or try to understand her and apologize to the extent that you are able. IMO.
Something that just occurred to me – You titled this thread “Controlling people with money.” When you give these monetary gifts, do you simply give the present, or do you provide “helpful” suggestions on what they might do with the money?
That is, do you merely say something benign like, “Merry Christmas,” or do you say something like, “Maybe you can use this to help pay off your student loans”? Because if it’s the latter, I can see why they’d think you’re trying to control them with money.
My mother used to give us monetary gifts. All she ever said was, “Enjoy this in good health.” Some years we invested it, some years we spent it. We never felt obliged to do something she’d want us to do with it – in fact, I have no idea what she might have wanted us to spend it on. No matter what we did, if we told her how we used the money, she told us she was glad we used it that way.
I always tell my kids that I’m not their friend. My job is to raise them to be adults that I’d want to be friends with. Interesting, intelligent, well-rounded individuals with good morals and honest interactions with people. And if I succeed then at some point, once they’re grown, we can be friends, and be equals.
But there’s a flip side to that. It’s on me to be the kind of person they would want to be friends with once they’re adults. I need to have interests and be a well-rounded individual with good morals and honest interactions with people as well.
You and your wife need other interests. Take up ballroom dancing, or yoga, or something that doesn’t include the kids. Get some distance, develop yourselves and your social networks away from the kids. They’re grown up now, they don’t need you to parent them anymore. You may find that once you have things to talk about and relate to each other through that don’t involve the time when your life was a parent-child dynamic, that your friendship blossoms. Or maybe it withers, that’s life.
