You now get paid by your clients to not work. The trouble with that is, you get so bored by not working you begin prostituting your thougths online. The only people who want to buy your thougths are old perverts.
I wish I could go shopping tomorrow instead of doing work-related tasks.Blamm-O
You can go shopping tomorrow! In a spending frenzy you max out all your credit cards, sending you into bankruptcy.
I wish the internet worked INSTANTLY!
kkkkkkkkkkkkkrp
The internet works instantly. You turn it on and the porn is right there, with no load time whatsoever. You didn’t even have to look for it!
Too bad you were at work. In a meeting. Start updating your resume.
I wish I had a comfortable office chair.
It’s very comfortable. So comfortable you can’t bear to get out if it, in fact. It’s up for grabs whether you die of starvation or your coworkers murder you to get the chair.
I wish for an A on my Organic Chemistry test tomorrow.
There are plenty of As on your test. 500 of them, the first choice of every question.
You have 20 minutes. Good luck.
I wish I had a chainsaw for a hand.
Poof! chainsaw hand. however its way too heavy for you to lift, even with both hands. You quietly starve to death in you house.
I wish I understood computers
Vrmmmmmm
Johny Bravo, you now have a chainsaw for a hand. Too bad you tried to pick your nose.
beep
picunurse, now all you can speak is assembly language. You understand every computer on the planet, and they all understand you. But you are now completely unintelligible to every other human being.
I wish I could touch my ears with my elbows.
Poof! Now your neck is too long and people stare.
I wish I could teleport anywhere, anytime.
BONG Your wish is granted cityboy. Only you transport back to the big bang. Check out that light show. 
I wish to be a ghost.
- fffffffffwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooo
You are a ghost, nocturnal_tick. This is fun for a few hours, until you get hungry and thirsty, and discover that ghosts can’t pick up food and drink – only long eternally for it.
I wish the mudholes on the trails would dry out.
The Sun explodes into a Supernova instantly drying out all mudholes everywhere. All that is left on the burnt out earth are crispy critters and EddyTeddyFreddy and her three cat’s ghosts caught in a limbo of regret.
I wish I could sing in tune.
Granted.
Bippy the Beadless, since being able to sing in tune, gets discovered by the Music Industry equivalent of Don King and proceeds to get exploited for his talent. Because he signed a contract lasting the rest of his natural life, he never gets to sing the kind of music he would truely like to sing, ends up becoming a drugie and dies of a crack overdose only 6 months later.
This is fun.
Ok… I wish to be the best stage magician in the world.
schwing
You are now the best stage magician in the world, so good in fact you make your entire audience disappear. Oh well.
I wish to be Cecil Adams!!!
- bwoo-UMPH *
You are now Cecil Adams. The Chicago Tribune sues you for trademark infringement.
I wish for the Grapist to return, with a new creative way of annoying the SDMB denizens.
The Grapist returns! And kills you!
I wish beautiful women would find me facinating & sexually irresistable.
Bwoinnnnggggg!
Congratulations! Beautiful women now find you facinating & sexually irresistable. You’re now a female condom.
I wish we’d have sushi for dinner tonight.
Bing
You wish is granted. Unfortunately the suishi in question is the Leviathan from the Bible, and he wants to know what happened to all his friends…
I wish I had an army of killer attack sasquatch
Bing
You wish is granted. Unfortunately the suishi in question is the Leviathan from the Bible, and he wants to know what happened to all his friends…
I wish I had an army of killer attack sasquatch.
The_Immortal_Mango conquers all of England when he overruns Parliament with his Bigfoot Brigade. The sasquatch destroy Big Ben, knock over the London Bridge, and turn Trafalgar Square into their own shit pit.
Now they want to get paid. Unfortunately, Mango doesn’t quite have enough change in his pocket…
I wish my hair would quit turning grey.
your hair quits turning grey and completely falls out overnight
i wish for wings that work (great book)