Could you at least pretend to care about the guy's WEDDING?

The BBQ Pit
41

[QUOTE=Mahna Mahna]

And quite frankly, I’m amazed at the number of people who don’t consider it to be a “real” wedding simply because you took care of the legalities in advance. I’m wondering if it’s a regional thing, because all of us Canucks seem to have no issue wrapping our brains around it.

You SURE you want to be a USAian? :slight_smile:
[/QUOTE]

Bolding mine.

I think many folks don’t understand why you don’t plan a big “proper” wedding when the USCIS is involved. It just isn’t possible, and many who’ve tried it have lost money, time, energy and caused themselves so much strife.

You don’t know when that K1 will be issued. When it is finally issued, you have a maximum of 9 months to plan a wedding, and that assumes that you’re prepared to spend 6 of those months in separate countries even when you know you could be together tomorrow.

Once you enter the US using it, you have 90 days to get legally married. So hell yeah, you get legally married, because the alternative is yet more separation and pain.

Many people see that legal formality as their “USCIS wedding”. The real wedding comes later, once you’re free to be together and organise things the way you want to.

42

Wow. I don’t have much to add other than I sympathize with the OP and others that have posted - The Guy and I are currently facing the same situation (re the fiance visa thing) ourselves, and it’s comforting to know others have experienced the same problems and have gotten through it. The entire ordeal sucks balls.

43

My brother got married (in England) shortly after I moved to the States. At the time, I was still effectively a kiddywink, so my mother had no problem with paying for the plane ticket and so on in order for me to be there.

If I had to spend that sort of money, though, I might have had to pass along my regrets.

The optimist in me suggests that they just don’t want to fork out that sort of money- but will shower you with gifts once you return. The cynic in me suspects that his family are pissy because you’re having the wedding in Canuckistan instead of Wisonsin or wherever.

This leads me to believe that what you’re experiencing is a combination of the two. They really ought to let you know, but in my experience most people think RSVP is the opposite of “regrets only” - ie. you only respond if you’re coming. Put that down to ignorance, not douchebagginess.

44

[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
Wow. I don’t have much to add other than I sympathize with the OP and others that have posted - The Guy and I are currently facing the same situation (re the fiance visa thing) ourselves, and it’s comforting to know others have experienced the same problems and have gotten through it. The entire ordeal sucks balls.
[/QUOTE]

Hell yeah, it sucks dogs’ cocks in hell. There’s a screaming desperation that builds up: “Why couldn’t we have been born in the same country?”

But we survived. PM me if you feel inclined - this USCIS stuff is both tedious and horrifying, but there is an end to it.

45

[QUOTE=PaulParkhead]

I think many folks don’t understand why you don’t plan a big “proper” wedding when the USCIS is involved. It just isn’t possible, and many who’ve tried it have lost money, time, energy and caused themselves so much strife.

You don’t know when that K1 will be issued. When it is finally issued, you have a maximum of 9 months to plan a wedding, and that assumes that you’re prepared to spend 6 of those months in separate countries even when you know you could be together tomorrow.

Once you enter the US using it, you have 90 days to get legally married. So hell yeah, you get legally married, because the alternative is yet more separation and pain.
[/QUOTE]
QFT! (Though my recollection that the period during which you had to enter the country after the issuance of the K1 was much shorter – things may have changed.)

We notified everyone on the 2nd of January to “Save the Date” sometime in late May or early June, completely depending on the speed of the (at the time) INS – we were completely at their mercy. I don’t know if we just got lucky, or what, but absolutely everything went like clockwork, and Thomas got his visa sometime around mid-April. We planned our wedding, start to finish (since not a damn thing could be done before that moment) in 5 weeks! :eek:

HazelNutCoffee, feel free to poke around the websites I linked to above. Who knows, they might still be completely current as far as forms and procedures (though I’m sure some of the links have changed by now). Good luck!

46

Add “passport” to everything else discussed

I don’t want to sound unsympathetic, but going to Nova Scotia from the mid-west sounds like a huge and expensive PITA for a “do over” wedding. There’s just no way I’m shelling out $1500-$2000 and getting a passport for something like that unless you gave me a kidney at some point. Your expectations are over the moon for his family to be able or willing to do this.

47

[QUOTE=Shayna]
QFT! (Though my recollection that the period during which you had to enter the country after the issuance of the K1 was much shorter – things may have changed.)

[/QUOTE]

Possibly so - I just checked my K1 and it was issued in Jan 2005, valid until July 2005. So I had those six months to enter the US using it, then 90 days after entering to actually marry. That’s how I worked out the 9 months. INS/USCIS changes the rules from time to time, and I have no idea what things were like before I started reseaching in 2004 or so.

48

[QUOTE=Mahna Mahna]

And quite frankly, I’m amazed at the number of people who don’t consider it to be a “real” wedding simply because you took care of the legalities in advance. I’m wondering if it’s a regional thing, because all of us Canucks seem to have no issue wrapping our brains around it.

You SURE you want to be a USAian? :slight_smile:
[/QUOTE]

People understand completely. No one thinks it’s a bad idea. But it reduces the urgency of it somewhat: it’s a party, not a wedding.

I just can’t believe than an “INS wedding” isn’t a special emotional moment. My courthouse wedding certainly was. That there wasn’t a feeling of bonding, sharing, of completion, that it didn’t alter and shape your relationship. It doesn’t matter if the timing was rooted in a technicality. If weddings mean anything, it already happened. If weddings don’t mean anything, if it’s just a celebration, than you can understand people not wanting to spend so much money to see it.

This isn’t enough of a reason to shift someone from “A wedding, yay!” to “Screw that, I am staying home”. But if someone was already on “Is it worth going into debt to go to this wedding?” or “Do I want to put off going on my planed vacation another year to go to this wedding?”, it’s one more reason to think that sending a nice gift might be enough.

49

[QUOTE=PaulParkhead]
Many people see that legal formality as their “USCIS wedding”. The real wedding comes later, once you’re free to be together and organise things the way you want to.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, pretty much. In our case it was a bigger rush because I was already here on a visit, so rather than go back home and spend more months apart, we got married here to start the immigration process.

Astro, I didn’t think the passport would be a big deal since we gave them plenty of notice that we’d be doing this.

I did ask Owls about calling them to know for certain, and he said he was a little afraid to for fear of rejection. It’s hard to say what might be stopping them–there’s monetary concerns, but it’s also a bit weird because it’s my FIL’s family, yet Owls hasn’t been on speaking terms with his father in years.

50

Someone needs to go take a trip to Etiquette Hell (the website) and post this thread there. See what people have to say.

Truth is, you’re already married. The fact that you’re throwing a renewal of vows ceremony may not be as compelling for Aunt Fifi to drop the $600 for airfare + accommodations + time off from work.

Immigration does suck, I know – I’m a K1 “survivor” myself, so I’m familiar with the 90 day constraints. My inlaws decided to throw a celebration dinner a few months later so family and friends could join us with a little more time to plan. We were not the hosts of this gathering. Man we had fun, though! There was no Big White Wedding involved for that party, but lots of food, and a great band. :slight_smile:

51

[QUOTE=Jayn_Newell]
Yeah, pretty much. In our case it was a bigger rush because I was already here on a visit, so rather than go back home and spend more months apart, we got married here to start the immigration process.

[/QUOTE]

Make sure you have the paperwork you need to re-enter the US once you go to Nova Scotia for this little shindig. You’re currently in the middle of adjusting status? You probably shouldn’t leave the country without travel papers. Make sure you have those before you go.

Also – remember that since you decided to go about immigration the risky way (i.e. without the proper visa, by going the visitor route and marrying), you are always at risk of being denied re-entry. Heck, that’s a risk for anyone, now that you’re married to a USC. Without travel papers, you cannot re-enter the US as you have immigrant intent.

Be sure to have those bastards. :slight_smile:

Still – why no K1? Dude, it’s worth the wait and WAY easier upon adjustment of status interview. You now get the fun of proving to your adjustment officer that you didn’t have the intention of marrying your boyfriend when you came to “visit”…

52

[QUOTE=Elenfair]
Make sure you have the paperwork you need to re-enter the US once you go to Nova Scotia for this little shindig. You’re currently in the middle of adjusting status? You probably shouldn’t leave the country without travel papers. Make sure you have those before you go.
[/QUOTE]

I’m pretty sure she’ll have a green card - that would have been one of the big points of the “pre-wedding” legal stuff.

53

[QUOTE=Elenfair]
Make sure you have the paperwork you need to re-enter the US once you go to Nova Scotia for this little shindig. You’re currently in the middle of adjusting status? You probably shouldn’t leave the country without travel papers. Make sure you have those before you go.
[/QUOTE]

Nah, it’s over. I have a green card, SSN, the whole shebang. We didn’t set a date until we knew when the interview was going to be.

Because we didn’t decide to marry until I was already down here–one of the points of the visit was to see a lawyer about what our options were. Since it pretty much came down to ‘get married’, well…

54

[QUOTE=PaulParkhead]
Not yet, I think: State Department

I can see why the USA is different, but I dunno. I’ve had a passport since I was 16 (the only country I could travel to without one was the RoI). It’s no big deal, but I suppose it’s a shame that this wedding has fallen during the adjustment period.
[/QUOTE]
Hi, Paul!

My experience is that most Americans don’t get a passport until they need to travel outside of the country. Maybe it’s just a factor of my working class upbringing, but my family wouldn’t even know how to apply for a passport without doing research, and I don’t think they are that unusual.

Among my circle of family and friends currently, I can think of maybe two for sure that would have a current passport.

55

[QUOTE=Jayn_Newell]
Nah, it’s over. I have a green card, SSN, the whole shebang. We didn’t set a date until we knew when the interview was going to be.

[/QUOTE]

Woot - that went fast :slight_smile:

When we went through the process, the wait times for interviews was about 2 years.

56

I really sympathize with you. A friend of mine is marrying (here) a woman from Australia, who will then have to return to Australia and begin the immigration process. Once she’s set up in Canada, they’ll have a ‘real’ wedding. I’m going to be at both, because I understand the emotional difference between a legal procedure and a ceremony whereat your friends celebrate with you.

The same will probably apply to me, when I finally get married: even if immigration isn’t a factor, our clergy don’t tend to be legally sanctioned, so unless we do some fancy footwork, I’ll probably have to have a legal wedding and a real wedding at separate times. I certainly hope that the people I invite will understand. Actually, I should probably just have the legal wedding afterwards, and just not discuss the legal technicalities with everyone.

I have more sympathy with people who don’t want to travel a long distance to go to a wedding, but he is a close family member, and it’s not as if you’re traipsing off to the Bahamas just because you want to get married on the beach. If these people are well-off, it would behoove them to attend. I don’t think the business about this somehow being a fake wedding because you had to get hitched previously for legal reasons is a valid excuse for them.

57

[QUOTE=lisacurl]
Hi, Paul!

My experience is that most Americans don’t get a passport until they need to travel outside of the country. Maybe it’s just a factor of my working class upbringing, but my family wouldn’t even know how to apply for a passport without doing research, and I don’t think they are that unusual.

Among my circle of family and friends currently, I can think of maybe two for sure that would have a current passport.
[/QUOTE]

Hi Lisa!

That’s what many Americans have told me, and I suppose it makes sense. After all, the nearest country where a passport is required is not very close.

It’s the opposite in the UK - it’s easy and cheap to go overseas (and escaping the weather is a serious incentive :slight_smile: ), so most folks have passports. Just a different way of doing things, I guess.

58

I love threads like this!

I just picture the conversation at Aunt Mary’s house.

Aunt Mary: Jayn and Owl miss seeing us and sent an invitation.

Uncle Mike: Well that’s nice, we haven’t seen them for a while. Are we going to their house?

Aunt Mary: Well no, that’s the thing, we have to go to Nova Scotia.

Uncle Mike: Nova Scotia? Where is that?

Aunt Mary: Canada dear.

Uncle Mike: Canada! Like up above Detroit?

Aunt Mary: No. More like above Maine but further East.

Uncle Mike: Wha…? Why do we have to go all the way up there?

Aunt Mary: Because. They’re getting married.

Uncle Mike: Wait, I thought they got married.

Aunt Mary: They did but they’re getting married again.

Uncle Mike: Huh. I guess if thats what kids do these days. Couldn’t they have waited?

Aunt Mary: No, it would have cost them an extra couple of grand.

Uncle Mike: Really?! And how much am I supposed to spend?

Aunt Mary: Oh it’ll probably be $4000 for the both of us. Oh and we might have to get passports.

Uncle Mike: Wait a minute! You need to call her and get some clarific…

Aunt Mary: I can’t. Whenever you ask her something she’s all confused and doesn’t answer your question. It kind of drifts into other subjects.

Uncle Mike: Isn’t that the Rotary Clubs big weekend?

Aunt Mary: I haven’t told you the date yet!

Uncle Mike: Hmmm…how well do we really know these people anyway?

Just funnin’ Jayne. I really feel for you. An RSVP should be responded to either way. Too bad people don’t get that. I was talking to the Postmaster one day when a woman came in and wanted to overnight her response card as she was absolutely mortified that it might be late. The Postmaster laughed and explained that she was probably the only one that bothered. He knows, he deals a lot with brides and their response stuff.

Can’t the groom’s side be filled with Straight Dopers?

If there’s booze after and you can’t get anyone else I know some people up there. A guaranteed interesting party.

Congratulations and best wishes on your new nuptials.

59

[QUOTE=Mongo Ponton]
If there’s booze after and you can’t get anyone else I know some people up there. A guaranteed interesting party.
[/QUOTE]

laughs Maybe, but I think my mother’s family wouldn’t get along with them too well. It’s already a bit bigger than I’d hoped really, 65 confirmed, 5 maybes*. Though I’m not sure how many are people I invited versus people my mother invited–she took it upon herself to send invites to a few of her friends. Sure, they’ve known me since I was a kid…but they’re her friends! I guess when I said ‘local’ friends, I should have said ‘my local friends’.

Oh, and thanks!

(Okay, if you reeeealy want some booze, there will be a bar. You’re paying for your own drinks though!;))
*18 nos, and a handful who haven’t responded–one cousin, a couple my parents know, and Owls’ family

60

We had something like 7 RSVP’s to our wedding less than two months ago. We had roughly 200 in attendance.

I think RSVP etiquette is either dead or lying in a ditch gasping its last breath.

(We even had a special email RSVP address so people didn’t have to find a stamp.)