A List of Complaints about the Complaints I receive Whilst Eating, and My Responses Thereto:
[ul][li]I put too much sugar in my tea. You’re right - I do. And yes, I am concerned about diabetes, especially since my mother was just diagnosed. And yes, I’m looking for a substitute. But in the meantime, please keep your smart-ass remarks to yourself. “Gee, a little tea with your sugar?” “Will that much sugar even dissolve in iced tea?” “Oh my God! We’ll need to ask the waitress for more!” Yes, your wit is perfectly Wildeonian in its range - I stand in awe. Incidently, I also stand in awe of the four hundred and thirty-three thousand, eight hundred and twelve people who have made the exact same statement prior to you.[/li]
[li]I drink too much tea. Again, you’re right - I probably do. It is my preferred morning drink, and I also have a nice cup at night after dinner. And if it’s available, I drink iced tea during meals. And although I appreciate your suggestion to drink more water, if I wanted to, I would. Now shut up.[/li]
[li]I don’t eat vegetables. It’s true - I don’t eat vegetables. Any vegetables. (Well, one - the most nutritionally insignificant vegetable on the planet; namely, iceberg lettuce. Someone once referred to it as “textured water.”) Yes, I realize this isn’t the best thing, but, for both taste and tactile reasons, I don’t. Yes, I’ve tried them. Yes, I’ve even tried the one you’re trying to force down my throat, and unless I’m mistaken, the only person who got away with that was my mother, and that was when I was five. Please put your fork down before I jam it in your eye. God made those little pills I take every morning for a reason, and I’m ever so glad I do - for the exact reason you’re degrading me in public for.[/li]
[li]No, I don’t like Mexican food. That’s right - I live in southern California, twenty miles from the Mexico border, and I don’t like Mexican food. And guess what? I’m not too crazy about Italian, sushi, or Indian food, either. No, I don’t know why. Yes, as I’ve said, I’ve already tried them, thank you. And although I think of my simple “meat & potatoes” regimen to be rather simple, I realize that my preferences always, without fail, seem to inconvenience everyone else, but thanks for humiliating me in front of my friends anyway, you loudmouthed baboon.[/li]
[li]I don’t eat much. Now you’re really starting to sound like my mother (although the last time I went home she asked if I’d gained weight - thanks, Ma!). No, I don’t - sometimes I only eat half my portion. It’s nice that you have a larger appetite than me, but that’s no reason to mock me for it - it’s simply the way I am. And yes, because of this, sometimes I need to eat more often - how does this inconvenience you? I’ll take my doggy bag home and eat it later where I will not have to endure your taunts.[/li]
[li]Yes I eat too much junk food. Chocolate, snaky cakes, crackers and pretzels - bring them on by the plateful. Now, mind you, I don’t eat this as my regular staple, but yes, I do imbibe. And it doesn’t seem to bother you too much when you get the same craving and decide to come rooting through my goodies drawer at work (without permission, I might add). Take your hypocrisy elsewhere - we’re all human, and we’re all weak.[/ul][/li]
And, for the record, I see my doctor regularly, I do eat other, possibly even more healthy things when you happen not to be around, and I am in good health. Yes, I could stand to go to the gym, but I do take advantage of an opportunity to exercise whenever I get the chance. So, no, I won’t be dropping over dead from my sugar-swilling, caffeine-drinking, meat-eating, vegetable-lacking, junk food-downing eating habits any time soon. Now, if you would be so kind as to SHUT THE FUCK UP about my eating habits, I’d be ever so grateful. Thanks much.
And, on an unrelated note, if you slap me across the face again hard enough to rattle my jaw, I will not only slap you back, but I will inform my nene, who will beat the living shit out of you at my behest. In fact, I might even tell my bodybuilding ex-Air Force boyfriend as well, and I do believe no matter how tough you say you are, he’d still manage to crack your skull.
Thanks.
Esprix
