Couldn't be hotter

Title Inspired by Scylla the Man’s Man.

Friends, is there anything more miserable than waking up from a lovely dream where you were making christmas cookies with a group of German guys and your mom and the snow was falling and some little black beetles were crawling into the kitchen…

only to remember that it’s July, Christmas is ages away, and that the minute you open the door to your bedroom, it’s possible that a small thunderstorm will brew in the doorway from the combo of 65 degree airconditioned air, and the stale, horrid, humid 10,000 degree air from the rest of the house.

We don’t have central air at the Jarbaby Haus of Pain, just fans, and the fans aren’t doing the trick. To add to the gross, sticky, I-haven’t-showered-yet-and-I-smell heat was Mr. jarbaby’s request for “good luck french toast” before his audition this morning.

Fantastico. Picture me, if you will, flushed, sweating, still a little smoky and sticky from last night’s karaoke venture, standing over a fucking GRIDDLE, while simultaneously making hot hot hot hot starbucks coffee and keeping the oven on to keep the french toast warm.

I’m a big, gross, hot, aching crabby ball of humidity.




There have been summers here in Jackson, where if it couldn’t be cooked in a microwave or bought from a take out window, I didn’t eat it. My gas bill one year was an astounding $4.32 to the negative. :slight_smile:

Friday afternoon I left work at 5:30 and went to the corner to wait for my bus (Chicago Ave #66, if anyone cares or wishes to stalk me).

I miss Bus #1 - the light turns green before I can get there.

Bus #2 is completely crowded. I decide not to cram myself onto it. There will be another bus right?

Bus #3 also completely crowded. Others rush to cram onto it. I debate joining them, but hang back.

Bus #4 is so crowded it doesn’t even stop.

There is no bus number 5. 20 minutes in the hot sun. No more buses. The crowd at the stop grows. I am thirsty, light-headed, and I have to pee. I decide to walk north and try to get the Division bus.

Division bus #1 fails to see me and motors on by.

I can see Division bus #2 parked there, 2 blocks away, picking up passengers. The light turns green. The bus does not move. I wonder - is it an illusion? A mirage? A dream of my tortured, dehydrated brain? I breathe deeply and try not to concentrate on my bladder. The light is red again. No, now it is green. Will the bus come toward me? Should I go toward it, knowing that the moment I do it will start toward me and I shall miss it? Buzzards have begun circling overhead, and I am talking to myself, chanting Zen koans like “Bussss…come…soon…Oh pleeeeassse” and trying not to let urine run down my leg. Cabs pass me, taunting me with their jaunty yellow exteriors and air-conditioned interiors. I check my wallet - $3.00 plus a CTA card. The Division bus shimmers maddeningly in the heat. Then, miraculously, it starts toward me. I hold my CTA card aloft. It cannot mistake my presence. Yet it does.

Time to start walking. It’s about 2 miles. I can make it. Oh, hello stretch of unpopulated urban wasteland! Hello Cabrini Green! Hello, hot dusty sidewalks! Hello, no place to pee! Hello, creepy highway underpasses!

Hello nice Polish restauranteur who finally lets me use her bathroom! Hello glass of water! Hello home, with air conditioning and a cool shower and a bowl of fruit for dinner…


Usually I perform this piece with bongo drums and a saxaphone player in the background, so try to picture that.

We’ve been under a heat advicory in Oklahoma for the past two weeks. The average daily Heat Index is 118 and we’ve had NO RAIN in over a month.

Because of the heat, I can’t let Jr. Ranger II out of the house between noon (when the temperature hits 100) and almost 8:00PM when it finally drops down to 98.

I, for one, HATE summer.

Are you sure that’s what you want?

[to self]She’s married, she’s married… you haven’t got a shot.[/to self]:wink:

and from mid Michigan where the humidity can and does get up to 100%, where you can see the air that’s sticking to your skin; where routinely every summer I wonder again why I’ve kept my hair long; where this morning as I was leaving to head into town where I could be around air conditioning, I saw my left rear tire flat as a pancake, where I had to go into the spider and dead rodent ridden garage to find the air compressor and deal with that. and where I’ve forgotten my train of thought which got derailed from the heat.

It’s reading stuff like this that makes me glad I live in the Pacific Northwest.

Right now, as I write these words, the temperature outside at 12:51 pm PDT is a pleasant 68 degrees, with 61% humidity. It’s been like this for several days, although I see that the long-range forecast at shows that it’s supposed to get up into the mid-80s soon. But that’s OK. I can deal with that.

In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never experienced a summer day in Oregon that I would consider humid. Of course, I lived in Florida until the age of 10, and so my concept of what constitutes high humidity is a little different than some.

I love the summers here. It’s why I hope I don’t have to move out of this part of the country before the end of the year.

My apartment doesn’t even have air conditioning, and frankly, I’ve seldom felt the need for it.

:::donning asbestos suit:::

Here in Washington DC, we’ve had an unheard-of lack of heat waves this year. Every time it gets up to 90 with moderate humidity, another front comes through to push us back to the upper 70s, desert-like dryness (in the shade with the wind blowing, it feels like late September), and downright chilly nights.

I hope this pattern continues till at least the end of August.

Damn I was thinking another pastry food as sex metaphor, ala “Cherry Pie”.
91 degrees and 66 % humidity in lovely Davenport Iowa this afternoon… we have central air though if ya wanna come over, cool off and have some home brew…diaper changing duties will be assigned as well :stuck_out_tongue:

Been hot & dry here in Denver too. Old dog spends the hot part of the day in her mud hole under the snowball bush. 75lb puppy sleeps in the bathtub.

I was in Chicago three weeks ago. Augh. I feel for you…the humidity is oppressive!

*Originally posted by Neidhart *
AR, I’ve never figured out why anyone would want to live in Oklahoma. My mom’s family is from Arkansas City, KS, which is just a smidgen north of the OK line, and I know what it’s like out there. A friggin’ blast furnace in the summer, and in the winter, there may be a lot of miles between you and the North Pole, but not a blessed thing in all those miles to stop the wind and the cold.

People diss the DC climate, but it’s paradise compared to the Great Plains. I’d take it over Chicago, too, in a heartbeat.

Especially this year, since, as Neidhart has pointed out, we’ve been having an exceptionally pleasant summer. Usually we get a couple of those cold fronts from Canada that cool things down and dry out the air for a few days each. This summer, a few days after one leaves, the next one shows up.

I can live with that. :slight_smile:

Oops - started off intending to quote Neidhart, then changed things around.

As long as I don’t preview, this stuff will happen, but will I ever preview? Ha.

Well, ya see, I moved to Tulsa with the first ex Mr. Ranger and I sure as hell wasn’t going to move back to Mommy when that fell through. :stuck_out_tongue:

So, here I am, where it is curremtly One Hundred and Six!!

On the plus side, the humidity is now only 26% making the Heat Index a mere 111. The low humidity means that the grass plains may well spontanously burst into flames at any minute.

I’m on the 5th floor of a 5 story walk-up.

Heat rises.

Kill me?

The first summer I spent here, it got so hot I was afraid my cat was going to die. Conveniently, that was also the summer this neighborhood had a blackout, which according to Con Ed only lasted 12 hours, but was more like 36 on this block. It was so bad people at work were offering me their couches to sleep on, but none of them could take my cat too (allergies) so I stuck around here to make sure kitty was ok. Con Ed said they’d give us checks to cover any lost food in our refrigerators, if we could provide receipts. Yeah, sure, I keep receipts for vegetables and milk. Up yours, Con Ed.

It hasn’t been as bad since; I think the blackout made me hallucinate and it was a bad, bad time. These days, though, when I leave my air-conditioned bedroom in the morning, walking into the rest of the apartment is like walking into a warm, wet sponge. The cat spends all his time in the bedroom where the a.c. is. Meanwhile, with my p.c. and television in the living room, I’m sitting out here trying not to move beyond typing, because that makes it hotter.

Atreyu, when can I move in with you?

Its been nice here (las vegas) last week… only around a 100 or so. However, it HAS hit 120 and usually hovers around 110. 120, people!!! Quicher bitchin. Freakin $200 electric bill last month for a small house with only 2 adults!! Beat that!

I have central air.

Put down those knives, folks. It’s broken, and has been for a few weeks now. The breaker kept tripping. So, I had a friend show me how to take it out, so’s I could replace it.

Well guess what? Apparently the damn thing is so old that no one makes that kind of fuse anymore. The heating & cooling place that installed it told me that they could come out & take a look at the box, to see what needed to be done. But it’s $55 just for them to come to my house, which is only FOUR FREAKING BLOCKS AWAY. $55 that I just don’t have. And while none of the other fuses need to be replaced, I’m sure they will eventually, which means that eventually, I’m going to have to have the whole damn thing replaced, and I certainly don’t have the hundreds that will cost.

I’ve got one fan. One dinky-ass oscillating fan that isn’t doing jack but move the heat around. Gaaaaaaah.

I’d rather be 120 in 'Vegas than 90 in Miami any day.
As for here…(NC)…It’s been beautiful and not a bit too hot or humid all summer. And that is really rare so I have ever right to dance a jig around all you suckers…:smiley:

Anytime, Rosebud. I’m living alone in a two-bedroom apartment. Half the rent and utilities would be the expected arrangement. :slight_smile:

Just keep in mind that while we have glorious summers here, the winters here may not be to everyone’s liking, especially if you like the sun. The winters, while not as cold as the Midwest or the Northeast, are marked primarily by the absence of the sun for long periods of time, due to skies that are nearly perpetually overcast. Add to that rain that can last for days on end, and you have the ingredients for an epidemic of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

None of that bothers me. Winter is my favorite time of year, here.

Y’all are a bunch of heathen wusses. Here in Texas, we figured out pretty quick that life without air-conditioning is not to be contemplated. Building a house, car, or place of business without sufficient air-conditioning is tantamount to suicide. Outside, it’s a hellish 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Inside, it’s a pleasant 75. Even then, 100 is nothing. The only way a Texan would know he’s in hell is the lack of air conditioning and the pleasant breeze outdoors.

[tearing up] God bless Texas [/tearing up]

I do have central air! It runs constantly. Never does the house get to the ‘cool’ range because it can’t keep up with the damned heat outside. I’m lucky if it’s 80 in the house then the fans make it tolerable.

I have to move in this heat. Ugh.