Oops, sorry. I read NC as NYC and that’s why I cited the NYC law. Still, well read and advised will save you some money and give you a better understanding of what I personally believe is a very serious matter.
Yes, that actually IS an attack. That qualifies as assault under the law.
That is also assault.
Your girlfriend broke the law. The law should not discriminate on the basis of gender and in this case it did not. You may not “feel” like a victim, and sure, your injuries might be trivial… but she still broke the law.
So don’t talk to her until it is settled. Honestly, you could get into more trouble by doing that than by being reluctant to testify. It could also makes things worse for her.
The other thing is that far, far too many women think it’s OK to engage in that sort of violence (and yes, it is violence) against men. It’s not. And sometimes it escalates. You don’t want that either.
It’s real simple - when a couple has a conflict it’s OK to use your voice. It is NOT OK to throw things or punches at each other.
Either that or some sort of order of protection mandating that she keeps a certain distance from you, does not attempt to contact you, etc.
well I shoved her down to the bed so I wonder why I was not also charged? The cops knew that from both of us.
You were the one bleeding? You weren’t the one throwing objects?
a few small scratches that did not bleed. cell phone did not hit me when thrown
also she was allowed to come over and pack a bag , the police came with her. They told me not to talk to her when she was here so I did not .
Oh please. I’m not an MRA, but I was abused by my wife. The police determined that his girlfriend should be arrested. Many places have policies (if not laws) that say that someone has to be arrested during a domestic violence call.
Bijou, you can be compelled to testify since she is not your spouse. Please don’t lie for her, but you can make it clear to the court that you don’t support her being charged and you don’t want her to be punished. This may or may not mean anything at all to the judge (or jury), as it is common for the victims of domestic violence to not want the perpetrator to be charged, either out of love, or out of fear.
Given the actions, and assuming no prior charges, she should not expect any jail time.
On the other hand, you should consider this a HUGE RED FLAG for your relationship.
You said the police determined she started the fight (certainly escalated it by throwing the phone and scratching you, even if unintentionally), so it’s likely this was viewed as self defense or trying to de-escalate the fight.
As it is, based on your OP, you ARE the victim here based on visible (to the police) physical and verbal evidence.
I agree 100% with Chimera. No matter the outcome, keep this in mind the next time this happens. Which statistically is likely if you remain in this relationship.
BTW, for prosperity sake. I speak strongly about this issue because my second sister’s son has at on at least occasion assaulted her (though he was not arrested) and just got out jail for domestic violence against at least one of his girlfriends. The situation with my sister has been bad enough that she has at least two TROs against him. I have no doubt that within the next few years, he will directly or indirectly (through her worrying about him (she looks well beyond your ~70 years)) cause her premature death.
I’ve washed my hands of the situation because several years ago, when my oldest sister (who knows much more about what’s been going on than I do), said my second sister must stop enabling and protecting him, because the next time he might kill her, my second sister stated: “I don’t care. He’s my son!”.
I am not your lawyer and I don’t practice in NC, but…
She is the restricted party, not you. Yes, it’s easier if you stay away, but you are not legally required to. She is. So you can call her if you need to. To make it more official, you can file a request with the court to amend bond conditions to allow contact. Now, you are technically a non-party, so the better practice is for her to do so (by filing a motion through her lawyer), and you can then write and file a letter indicating you agree (the judge still has to enter an order changing the condition, and that may require a court hearing where you affirm your desire, but this is not an uncommon request in a DV case)…
Also, you only have to go to court if you are subpoenaed, which means serving you with papers. My suggestion is to call the DA, advise that you want the charges dropped and do not want to testify, and then hope that you aren’t served. Since it’s a misdemeanor, they may not put in the effort to find you.
If you are served with a subpoena to testify, you should attend and be honest. But, as I often tell people, you should not guess when under oath, and sometimes the most truthful statement is that you don’t remember.
Best of luck.
I’m not going to tell you not to get yourself a lawyer- but think about why you want to get a lawyer. To help you get the DA to drop the charges? A lawyer is not going to matter- they will drop the charges or not depending on their assessment of how strong their case is. To keep you from being subpoenaed? A lawyer isn’t going to be able to stop that. Don’t spend money hiring a lawyer without any idea of what your goal is and whether it is realistic to expect a lawyer to help achieve it.
"Hostile witness"in this situation means that you are opposed to your girlfriend being prosecuted. And that generally means you are not being cooperative with the prosecution and that you will not be answering questions in the way they would like. I don’t mean that you will lie or that they want you to lie - but maybe when you are asked a question , instead of answering the question you were asked you might start talking about how you don’t want her to go to jail. In that case, the prosecution may ask permission to treat you as a “hostile witness” which basically means they treat you as if you were a defense witness. It allows the prosecution to ask leading questions rather than open-ended ones, which they cannot generally do with their own witness.
They may not subpoena you if you are going to be a hostile witness, especially if they have enough evidence without your testimony. But they can absolutely prosecute without your testimony or cooperation- after all, the victim of a murder can’t testify.
“He only hits me because he loves me.” “He doesn’t mean to hurt me.”
Look, whether YOU regard what she did as an assault the law does. She was arrested because what she did constitutes domestic abuse. Granted, it’s on the minor end of the spectrum, but what she did was wrong enough to put her in cuffs.
It’s a real problem that men don’t recognize when they are the targets of abuse.
The next time you wonder why a woman didn’t leave an abusive mate look in the mirror.
“He’s only like that when he does drugs.”, my sister about her son.
Hmm…being “…like that when he does drugs” despite being forced into rehab is what got him in put in jail! :smack:
thanks to everyone for advice. Would it help for my therapist to ask for charges to be dropped since testifying would be bad for my emotional health? I am very depressed over this .
So…why did she call 911? Either she was right to call, in which case you can testify that she injured you in self defense, or she called solely to threaten you, which might actually be worse than the other things, both to you and to the public safety. In either case, you really should probably both keep your distance.
From the outside, that doesn’t sound like an appropriate therapist action at all. They’re not there to fix things for you, they’re there to help you figure things out yourself.
can’t say why she called 911 since I cannot talk to her. I think my minor injuries were from when she pushed me off of her. The whole thing is sort of a fog , partly because it was so traumatic and it was over very fast. Cops said she was arrested for starting it by throwing the phone which to me is shocking and dumb. As I said there is nothing worse than seeing your GF in handcuffs in the street at 11 pm and knowing she was going to jail and I was helpless to stop it.
Were you guys wasted when all this happened? Is that why everything’s such a fog?
Either way it seems to me you guys are better off being separated for now.
no drugs or alcohol involved. One odd thing was while she was talking to cops outside the cop inside with me was making small talk with me. (BTW we are together 3 years and both in our 50s. I’m guessing people thought we are much younger)