…occasioned by certain authentic misadventures experienced during my daily commute.
1a) If you are boarding a train, please wait until the people getting off the train have gotten off. The driver can see you. Unless the train is full, s/he will wait until you get on board.
1b) If you are already aboard the train, do not stand in front of the doors unless you are getting off. If the train is crowded and it is necessary for you to stand in front of the doors, when the doors open you may hold onto the rails beside them and step outside of the train and to one side of the doors, then get back on board after others have disembarked.
Penalty for violation: being forced to repeat your crime at Lucien-L’Allier metro immediately prior to or after a Habs game and being trampled by a horde of irate hockey fans.
- It is considered polite to give up one’s seat to elderly people. It is not considered polite for an elderly person to glare at someone for not giving up their seat when there is an empty seat not half a metre away.
Penalty for violation: having another passenger courteously give up their seat to you, then being strapped into it until your bladder control gives out.
- Do not stand two abreast in a crowded escalator. Do not walk up the escalator beside a row of standing passengers and then suddenly stop, causing circulation to grind to a halt.
Penalty for violation: being fed face-first into the scary looking metal comb-shaped thing at the top of the escalator.
- Do not stand underneath a no-smoking sign and smoke.
Penalty for violation: instant death.
- Do not run for a metro whose doors have already closed. They will not be opened again for you, especially if the train has already begun to gather way. In particular, do not charge directly at me while I am running for a metro which is still stopped and whose doors are still open.
Penalty for violation: being strapped between platforms at Lionel-Groulx metro and being decorated by a local youth with a spray can.
- Do not curse and swear at the ticket changer in English.
Penalty for violation: being forced to sing “O Canada” and “God Save The Queen” repeatedly at Préfontaine metro.
- Do not make loud homophobic comments while aboard a metro train.
Penalty for violation: being strapped to a bannister at Beaudry metro and being forced to watch two men enjoy a long, deep kiss.
- It is rude to make your fellow Scotsmen apologize for their cultural heritage. Therefore, under no circumstances is a bagpipe to be played in a metro station.
Penalty for violation: you will be forced to rim Fat Bastard. And then dropped in the Saint Lawrence River.