After six months being out of the game, the time has come for me to get back in to running rescue, whether my wife approves or not. We have settled in to the new digs in southern Merrylande, and it’s been at least a month that we’ve had to do anything related to the aftermath of relocating, such as moving stuff to or from the storage unit, or selling other stuff off.
I’ve applied twice to the local rescue squad, the first in February while I was still a geobachelor, and once again about two weeks before I wrote this. I’ve done most of the orientation, and this short tale is about part of that.
All EMTs are required to have a current Medical CPR card from the American Heart Association, good for 2 years, then you must recertify. Mine expired right when we were moving, and renewing it was about #31426 on my list of priority items to take care of.
As it turns out, night number 3 of the department orientation is a CPR class for the n00bs, but also open for others in the community. There was an RN in the class from the local nursing home that had to recert, for example. She was not expected to do the extras we had to do for orientation.
The AHA part of the class was the same as I had it in North Carolina. Some very boring cardiac anatomy and physiology. Much discussion of technique and timing, and the extremely stern warning to NEVER vocalize the lyrics to Queen’s Another One Bites The Dust when you’re doing compressions (the rhythm is the same as the song).
The war stories sound eerily the same. The one I liked was told by the new chief, who was also the instructor for the night. “This starts out like a joke. We were called to the residence of a guy with cerebral palsy, whose girlfriend is a midget. <guffaws> We arrived, and the girlfriend was face down on the sofa, and reportedly unresponsive. What do we do? So I started doing an assessment. Then she sat straight up…”
[GF] “What the hell are you doing to me?!?”
[Chief] “Well, we’re with the ambulance, and we were called because you were unresponsive.”
“The girlfriend then glared at the guy and said, ‘I wasn’t unresponsive, I was taking a nap and ignoring HIM!’”
One of these days I’ll tell them about the night I was outed, the rabid beaver attack, and the channelocks vs. Poligrip.
The AHA part of the class wrapped up, and we were separated into 2 groups for those doing this as an orientation. Part of us took the written test, and the others piled into an ambulance for a demonstration of what CPR is really like, at speed. My group rode the second round. In the meantime I scored an 88 on the written test, and the 3 that I missed were correct for when I originally certified. AHA likes to change something in their standard every year.
So my group piled in. “Joseph here will be driving, and in an exaggerated manner so you get a taste of what CPR is like in a moving ambulance.” I thought to myself, ‘yeah, right, I can tell you some tales…’ We were six, so I positioned myself to the back of the line to let the real n00bs experience it first.
The girl doing airway management needed coaching how to plant her legs, because that position is on the floor and unsecured. “Knees apart, and spread your ankles. Right one against base of the crew chief’s chair.”
What was cool was the thumper in essence sat in someone’s lap, who held on to their belt for dear life. This was something we didn’t do down south. Do it wrong, and the thumper got a power wedgie.
Off we went. Five cycles of compressions, then rotate. Holder became thumper, thumper went to airway, airway went to a rest position, and a new holder moved in behind the thumper. The others were surprised; I wasn’t, and I projected that I knew what I was doing. “Not your first time to the rodeo, is it?” 
Imagine the looks I got from the others (mild surprise) AND the training officer (stinkeye) when I said in all seriousness that this wasn’t an intentionally rough ride, but in my experience, typical.
The demonstration ended with a simulation of removing a stretcher with CPR in progress. There’s no graceful way to do it, and I know of two old squad members injured in the mayhem doing previously. Nobody got hurt this night.
That’s the end of the CPR story. I have yet to take the orientation test to start running. I was supposed to on Saturday, but we had a plumbing emergency so I waved off. I can do it this coming Saturday, or next month. I’ll try for sooner.
I should also mention that when two of the paramedics that let their cards lapse found out I was an Intermediate, I was immediately recruited for the county Advanced Life Support unit. That’s where I wanna end up.
Shifting gears a bit, I got a call yesterday morning from Old Neighbor Fred. He was sick, and needed an ambulance. Okay… Dude, I’m 220 miles away, in another state. I still had the phone numbers on hand, and got them dispatched. I heard through the grapevine later today that they found nothing wrong, and he signed a refusal. Maybe he was feeling lonely of Father’s Day; that type of call isn’t all that rare.
Of course, we also know we’ll get stories and we like stories!