Crazy Fenris's Used Soul Appraisals

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It has come to my attention that some Dopers don’t know the value of their souls. How can they sell their souls to Lucifer if they don’t know it’s worth?

“Gosh” you say “I don’t know what my soul is worth! How can I sell my soul to Satan if I don’t know what I can get for it? Is it worth Diamonds? Rubies? Nude Jell-o wrestlers? Or is my soul only worth a pair of used underpants (and not the good kind of used underpants either)?”

CRAZY FENRIS can HELP YOU!

For a mere 05% of your soul, CRAZY FENRIS will give you the Straight Dope on Satan’s USED SOUL bluebook! More information means more bargaining power! Get that addition to your mansion! Hold out for the Chief Justice post!

YES! YES! YES! YES! I’ll give you The Straight Dope! Yes, I’ll let you in on Satan’s main bargaining chip! Yes! I’m gonna fry for this.

“But Fenris!” I hear you cry “Only 05% of my soul? Such a small amount for SO MUCH INFORMATION! HOW CAN YOU AFFORD IT!?”

I’ll tell you, friends: The secret is low, low overhead and high, high prices and because I’m CRAaaaaAAzy!

So, post the condition of your soul and I’ll tell you (for the aforementioned 05%) how many harem girls/guys it’s worth.

Crazy Fenris: Used Souls Appraiser

2

Is that 05% up front, or payable upon sale? (That extra 0 there makes me a bit nervous too.)

3

:regards soul::

The condition of my soul? Ummmmm.

Ummm.

It’s in perfect condition. Trust me. They all look like this. Once you send it off to the Dry Cleaners It’ll look like it still has the tag on it. Really.

So anyway, how much for this thing?

4

The 5% (Crazy Fenris is gonna shoot his proofreader!) is payable upon your reaching an agreement with the Prince of Darkness.

“But Crazy Fenris” I hear you cry “What if I don’t make an agreement with The Fallen One?”

Well, that’s a risk that CraaAAAaazy Fenris is just willing to take! We belive that the Dark Lord is gonna make you an offer you CAN’T refuse!

Crazy Fenris

5

I’m not sure how much this one is worth anymore. It’s pretty old and weary right now. It’s rather like one of those books you find in the basement of a used books store that no one realizes is down there. The cover’s a bit frayed and the pages are yellow and starting to crumble, but still you pick it up and rifle through it because you never know what might be hidden in there.

So … what’s it worth to you?

6

Hmmm. After much soul searching (during which time, I also got the kitchen ‘catch all drawer’ cleared out, as well as putting away some laundry - hey, this soul searching is tough to do in a cluttered house), I think I found it.

Tried it on, seems a little tight around the ethics, a little loose around the flirting department. Has this strong lean towards the left - but apparently has enough right leanings to achieve balance. Well worn, but in a good way. A few dings and dents (from that divorce thing), and this long rust stain (from a year ago when son was in the hospital - salt water causes rust pretty substantially you know). But I believe such things give it character. Or, at least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. All in all, a good fit still

7

Hmm - I had a brief exchange with Fenris earlier, during which he accused me of cruelty for my willful disregard of his delicate flower-like sensibilities, as well as my doubts of the purity of his soul. (I had pointed out that his soul was the current Blue Light Special. I have no idea why he took umbrage at this.)

Anyway, I’ve been away for a couple of hours, sobbing in the men’s room over my heartless comments. (I’m a woman, but I find crying in the men’s room more interesting.) How could I have wronged such a fine, upstanding citizen of the galaxy as the noble Fenris? Oh, unique snowflake that you are, with eyes like limpid sun-dappled pools and the heart of a warrior-poet? The self-flagellation went on for nigh unto the entire afternoon.

Now I return, much chastened, and what do I find? Crazy Fenris, Used Souls Appraiser. Taking a finder’s fee, while the Teeming Doper Millions risk eternal damnation.

Fenris, no more will I believe your protestations of purity. Never again shall I sniffle into a sodden wad of tissue over the possibility that I have injured you. Rather I shall glory in the following knowledge:

Dude, you are so gonna fry for this.

PS - Euty, your soul sounds like it might be a collectible. Try taking it over to Antiques Roadshow before you close a sale.

Don’t trust Fenris. He’s CraaAAAaazy.

8

Hmm - I had a brief exchange with Fenris earlier, during which he accused me of cruelty for my willful disregard of his delicate flower-like sensibilities, as well as my doubts of the purity of his soul. (I had pointed out that his soul was the current Blue Light Special. I have no idea why he took umbrage at this.)

Anyway, I’ve been away for a couple of hours, sobbing in the men’s room over my heartless comments. (I’m a woman, but I find crying in the men’s room more interesting.) How could I have wronged such a fine, upstanding citizen of the galaxy as the noble Fenris? Oh, unique snowflake that you are, with eyes like limpid sun-dappled pools and the heart of a warrior-poet? The self-flagellation went on for nigh unto the entire afternoon.

Now I return, much chastened, and what do I find? Crazy Fenris, Used Souls Appraiser. Taking a finder’s fee, while the Teeming Doper Millions risk eternal damnation.

Fenris, no more will I believe your protestations of purity. Never again shall I sniffle into a sodden wad of tissue over the possibility that I have injured you. Rather I shall glory in the following knowledge:

Dude, you are so gonna fry for this.

PS - Euty, your soul sounds like it might be a collectible. Try taking it over to Antiques Roadshow before you close a sale.

Don’t trust Fenris. He’s CraaAAAaazy.

9

Also, clearly, The Prince of Darkness is in charge of either the server or the “submit” button. [sub] Because the only other possibility is that I am a dork. Sorry.**

10

Euty
First, I’m only the middleman (“So LITTLE overhead that when it rains, I GET WET!”) so other than as a friend, your soul has no value to me, personally. The Lord of Evil, on the other hand:

::examines soul::

That’s not fraying around the edges, it’s the sort of patina that good old stuff gets! And, good heave…er…unfortunate expression, please disregard…bookstores with forgotten basments are the best kinds for finding treasure. This soul is quite the collector’s item for some lucky fallen angel

Per my research, the Prince of Darkness will offer you either a person of your choice who’ll give you hot oil massages and rub your feet AND a collection of every Disney Short ever made, on DVD, letterboxed and all in pristine viewing condition OR a '55 DeSoto, with fake leather seats, a steering wheel made out of chains, a horn that plays the chorus of “If You Think I’m Sexy” along with a bumper sticker that says “Honk if You Nuke Fat Chicks”, $223.00 in small unmarked bills AND 3 shoeboxes full of pictures of nude politicans, ranging from Ted Kennedy to Tip O’Neill to Richard Nixon. Your choice.

wring
The tightness around the ethics, while desireable amongst a select, elite few is actually a drawback when selling to the Lord of Flies. He’s in the resale market, and outside of the conissuer, this quality’s sadly not in demand as much anymore. However, there’s quite a dedicated core group who won’t accept a soul without this feature. Per the Bluebook, Old Scratch will offer you: One(1) Guilt Free video tape of Bunny Lake is Missing, seven(7) worry-free days regarding your son (first day of college, date, whatever), one(1) set of all of The Archies albums and a magic wand that will make the very best Dim Sum appear when waved.
Scylla, eh? The SAME Scylla that I just noticed callously ignored my rvery first post on the board, especially when I was responding to your OP? (Although I misspelled your name.) The one who, through this callous gesture scarred me for life? Well, well, well.

::examines Scylla’s soul::
Look at this. It’s in great shape, but…what ARE these stains? Eeewww.
::kicks metaphorical tires::
And…what’s this? Bailing wire? Oh this will never do. It looks like it came from a scratch and dent sale.
::makes that tsk-ing noise that all mechanics use, just before they tell you that your “little noise it makes sometimes” will set you back $3000::
<sigh>
I’m afraid that Mr Scratch will only be able to offer you 13 Evil Nazi Groundhogs, dead or alive, OR .28c and one of Chairman Kaga’s old outfits, slightly burned. Your choice. Hey, don’t blame me, the Bluebook NEVER lies. :wink:

And the rest of you: C’mon down to CRAZY FENRIS’S USED SOUL EMPORIUM! IF THESE AREN’T THE BEST PRICES WHERE YOU ARE, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Crazy Fenris

11

Used soul appraisals???

Oh man, you are my new best friend.

As Queen of the Underworld, I have got literally BILLIONS of souls hanging around here. Man, every time I turn around I’m just tripping over these miserable things, clutching at my ankles and begging for mercy & stuff. Enough to drive a Goddess berserk. I can’t even get in to my craft room anymore!
How much for the ones in my craft room, anyway? Last time I counted, there were 7,854 of them, all in pretty good shape. They’re antiques, in fact–12th century peasant folk, not the corrupt royalty.

I surely hope we can do business, my man! :smiley:

12

Well, hell. Try this one out:

One Jewish soul
Minted in Chicago, IL. Raised in Los Angeles and now living in the mountains of rural Virginia and loving it. Turned it’s back on the city and currently lives the life of the country squire.

This soul went to college completely on his single mothers dime. It contributed nothing to its education.

This soul spent the period from 15 1/2 to high school graduation in lock up for auto theft and other offenses too silly to go into here.

This soul once called an arresting officer a ‘dickhead’.

This soul, in it’s freshman year in college, dated a girl for 3 months (including a sexual relationship)(hey, I’m literally baring my soul here) only to leave her for her roommate over spring break.

This soul once ran a telemarketing department.

This soul has been responsible for more than 250,000 pieces of junk mail flying through the mailstream in the last year.

This soul is currently whining about the response to an article on the objectification of women at a trade show.

This soul has fibbed to it’s publishers over the years about the time it takes to get back from sales trips to get free days off.

This soul works his assistants to death but…this soul frequently doesn’t report their unscheduled sick days to HR.

This soul brings in 3 pounds of chocolate to his department every Monday.

This soul should be out mowing the lawn right now.

This soul loves his wife and baby girl very much.

This soul is an old school punk but has a secret place in his heart for Quiet Riot, Duran Duran, Big Country and John Denver.

This soul uses the words ‘signage’ and ‘proactive’ in meetings.

This soul has been a network admin and webmaster and enjoys playing with board members by using tech-speak that could come straight from “Star Trek”.

So anyway. What is this soul worth on the open market? And is that per pound or in sum?

13

Hmmm. I did snub Fenris on his first post, didn’t I?
Heh, heh, heh.

I suppose this means you’ll have to switch political parties, doesn’t it?

Actually, I was pretty new as well, and probably just missed you post.

Also, when I’m in agreement with someone I often proceed without comment rather than preaching to the choir. I’ve since learned that this isn’t proper netiquette.

I’d apologize, but since you’ve so underhandedly devalued my very soul, I guess I’ll just go and sulk.

14

In that case, why not?

This soul is slightly used, though not so much recently. Unfortunately, it’s been up on blocks in the garage by itself for too long. I guess you could say it’s a “sole” soul (with a sense of humor, though sometimes bad humor). It has a quiet, but wordly finish. It’s getting up in years, approaching what tactful people call the “classic” stage. I think with a good tune up and a wax job, it could hum along nicely.

15

At CRAZY FENRIS’S we offer VOLUME DISCOUNTS and LOW! LOW! pricing for our friends in the underworlds. WE CAN UNDERCUT ANYONE ON BULK APPRASIALS!

FREE POMEGRANATES WHILE YOU WAIT!

12th Century peasants are a dime a dozen. No: Literally: 12 for 10c. Which means that your craft room souls (Not including my 3% take for bulk appraisals. If you want 'em individually priced, my fee goes up slightly) are worth $65.45.

::flips through Bluebook::

UNLESS…these wouldn’t happen to be Grand Fenwickian 12th century souls, would they? It seems that neither Satan nor…um…his antagonist have them in their possession and there’s quite a bidding war. If so, Your Queenship, you have quite a prize!

Fenris

16

I’de be glad to oblige, Sweet Crazy Fen, but it seems that Persephone has already decoupaged my tattered soul onto a coffee can offering pens and pencils to the staff at the Flint Salvation Army.

Such a Crafty Bitch.

17

My soul is worth $37,947

:slight_smile:

18

Friend, CRAZY FENRIS has NEVER seen a soul that he couldn’t price before, but yours! You ran a telemarking outfit?
“Phone-Spammers-R-You?” I can’t put a price on your soul…

…mainly because Satan’s recruiting department have called Crazy Fenris and asked if you’re interested in a job. They’re disappointed by the “loves wife and kid” thing and the “kind to employees” thing, but they’re willing to put up with your personal quirks.

Expect a call from Mr. Beelzebub, Lord of Flies in the next few days. Please have your resume ready. Relocation will be required.

Crazy Fenris

19

You see, that’s the problem with identifying with the dark side so well…you just can’t get a good deal on anything. All anyone’s ever interested in is the chance you’ll take a gig somewhere.

It’s hell, I tell you, hell.

Or is that the idea?

I can see it now…

Ah, yes. I can see it clearly.

Mmmm…damnation goodness…

20

Yes, by ALL means, do get rid of them, Fenris.

When we built this craft room, we were envisioning…well, CRAFTS! All these used souls are cluttering up the shelves.

It is getting so you can’t find the silk flowers, let alone the crochet hooks!

:slight_smile: