Creative Doper's: Help Re-Write the Company's Washroom Rules...

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was prompted by Vixenation & Shayna’s request for an update on the Bowling League team name & it got me thinking.

May is the official start of my company’s new Fiscal Year, and with that comes new policies, new goals, blah, blah, blah.

A Little Background: It’s been a long time since we posted out “Toilet Etiquette” rules in the 2 washrooms. To put it bluntly, they’re the most filthy bathrooms this side of Tiajuana. This is a masonry supply yard, hence all male employees and all male customers. I wouldn’t even consider bringing my girls here on “take your daughter to work day” for the simple fact they’d either come home with a rash or end up with a U.T.I. from holding it in all day. When I first posted the rules, everyone had a good laugh and surprisingly, the filthy conditions improved somewhat. But, as human nature would have it, things eventually slumped back their original disgusting state.

Maybe, just maybe if new rules are posted on a regular basis, the slobs I work with will at least make a slight effort to keep things a little cleaner.

Here are the current rules:

*Rule #1: Flush the toilet after: dropping off the kids, extinguishing a cigarette, emptying your bladder or dumping an ashtray. Failure to follow this rule will result in management hiring a men’s room attendant and all employees will be required to pay his salary.

Rule #2: Replace the toilet paper roll when it is finished or down to the last 10 sheets. Failure to follow this rule will result in management canceling all toilet tissue purchases & installing bidets.

Rule #3: Wipe down the washbasin after: spitting out phlegm, washing your face and hands or praying at the altar of Onan (look it up). Failure to follow this rule will result in management removing the sink and replacing it with a Gojo dispenser.

Rule #4: Aim. If your cocksmanship isn’t up to par, please practice at home. Failure to follow this rule will result in management lowering the bathroom ceilings to a height of 42” so that everyone will be forced to sit.

Rule #5: Ventilate. After baking a ripe cake, please leave the bathroom fan (light) on and close the door. Failure to follow this rule will result in management closing down the bathrooms and installing Port-A-San lavatories outdoors.*

So there you have it fellow dopers. Your mission (if you choose to accept it) is to come up with some new original guidelines that may help foster a more sanitary lifestyle for myself and my co-workers. The more memorable and humorous the rules, the more effective they’ll be.

Thanks in advance!

2

“Baking a ripe cake” is honestly something I’ve never heard before. Bravo!

I can’t really think of any other situations of grossness that might need a rule applied. Do you want to add more or just rephrase what you’ve got?

Not that I’m real good at this, but I cannot for the life of me let a toilet humor thread pass me by. :wink:

3

This one is from a scout camp where I used to be employed. We had so much trouble with troops not knowing how to clean the latrines someone finally wrote some rough directions. It is a bit fuzzy so I’ve re-typed the message exactly as it appears. The best part is the title.

A Clean Latrine is a Haven of Rest

  1. Sweep and pick up paper
  2. Flush commodes and urinals
    clean with broom & small
    amount of Pinesol
  3. Wash sinks with A-Jax
    sponge off table top
  4. Use a SMALL amount of
    Pinesol to mop floor
  5. Clean both sides
    of latrine
4

The coffee pot will now located in the Men’s Room.

All breaks must be taken in the Men’s Room.

The Men’s Room now doubles as the Lunch Room.

(Don’t even think about hijacking the trash cans, guys!)

5

I don’t know if this is a problem where you work, but if you have people who seem to stretch a bathroom break into a lunch:

Rule #6: You are not Fonzie, and this is not your office. Please don’t spend all day in here. Failure to follow this rule with result in management installing ejector-seat toilets.

6

There’s always the age old adage: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

It being a masonry supply yard, how about:

Brick-layers: Don’t forget to wipe away the excess mortar when the job is finished.

“Wash” your saddleback thoroughly.

No “pointing” allowed in the restroom.

Violaters of these rules will endure vitrification.

I’m so punny!

7

#1. There’s a handle on the toilet for a reason. Use it, or management will be forced to install an autoflush system, paid for by mandatory contributions from your paychecks.

#2. Anyone found not replacing the toilet paper will be forced to use the manual method from now on. Management will supply these people with a pair of fingernail clippers in the interest of workplace safety.

#3. Running water is a privilege, not a right. If the sink does not remain cleaner than the average cesspool, it will be replaced with a bucket of warm spit.

#4. Your mother doesn’t work here. Aim for yourself.

#5. Anyone found turning the ventilation system off after fumigating the facilities will be appropriately punished by being locked in for one hour after Larry the Lump returns from the week-long Dallas Chili Cook Off.

8

This is not Indianapolis Motor Speedway, so “laying rubber” is not acceptable. Try flushing a wad of toilet paper the same size as that giant burrito you ate. Failure to follow this rule will result in management limiting the cafeteria options to different brands of bran cereal.

9

Add this one:

If you have a short bat or a week pump; stand a little closer to the plate.