creeps with no pride, leave me alone

The BBQ Pit
21

**you with the face ** - as an HR manager, I’ve dealt with my fair share of employees/building mates who just could not leave a fellow employee alone, even when explicitly told by the employee and/or HR directly.

With those situations I’m not personally involved and have no qualms being the baddie should an employee need me to handle something of this nature. If you’ve got an HR department - use them. You shouldn’t have to tolerate this and if you feel as though you’ll bring bad things or vibes upon yourself by way of being very direct and firm with this guy, express your concerns to HR and ask them to intervene.

It will be embarrassing and painful, I’m sure, but as firmly and nicely as you can muster - just let him know you are not interested. Sometimes employees don’t want me to personally intervene but want guidance on how to handle a pest who is bordering on harassing them but is currently just that - a pest. They don’t want to escalate to a formal complaint but want some guidance on how to put off their pest for good. (Of course, there are plenty of situations where we take action immediately regardless of that due to grave concerns about safety, threats, etc.)

“I understand you’ve wanted to get together for lunch with me for some time now, but I’m not interested and just wanted to clear up any confusion we may have on this. I thank you for your invitations but I’m actually not interested. Thanks for understanding, I appreciate it.”

Something along those lines, whatever you feel comfortable with as long as it’s directly telling him no, not interested, not now, not ever.

He may or may not get the hint, regardless of what you tell him - but when staring down disciplinary action (or reprimand, whatever your organization may do) he may just back the hell off.

It probably won’t solve the awkwardness and ‘bad feelings’ that may go between the two of you - whether you tell him directly or HR does, he may still feel embarrassed/contrite/awkward/pissed/whatever.

In any event, put the company on notice that you are being harassed by this guy, and they will need to take steps to ensure your protection and safety.

Please take care and let us know how this comes out. It sucks - I know. :frowning:

22

I think that he has demonstrated to you that your attempts at being gentle are not going to work. I think that you ought to tell him that you do not want to go to lunch with him now or in the future, and that you will consider another invitation from him to be an unfriendly act.

23

You’re never going to be able to get along with everyone all the time. It sucks, but that’s how it is. Stop beating around the bush and be clear with him. “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in going out to lunch with you. Let’s keep our relationship professional.”

Really, what’s so hard about that?

24

That’s not been much of a problem for me. But thinking back, it was a real problem once in my life. I had a stalker once. It wasn’t really scary or creepy, but it was pretty annoying.

ywtf, perhaps something like this: “I really appreciate your asking, but I’m afraid you’re just not my type. I’m flattered, but the answer is no. And it makes me uncomfortable when you keep asking. Can we just be cordial and nothing more? I’d hate for there to be any weirdness here.”

Or something far better than that.

25

Because he doesn’t want to figure it out.

For the people who suggest making up a SO as a reason, in my experience with this sort, it doesn’t work. In my situation, I actually got engaged, showed the creep the ring, and he still persisted.

ywtf: The only thing that is going to work is “No, I’m never going to go to lunch with you.” The reason, if he demands one (and I know I don’t have to tell he has no right to “demand” anything of you) is that you are not interested in taking your “friendship” any further than pleasantries in the hallway. Things won’t be as awkward as you think, because that type has no shame whatsoever. (I was going to suggest that you tell him that he is too old for you, but that type will only pretend to be “shocked, shocked I tell you,” that you thought he had any romantic designs on you.)

26

It doesn’t sound like you actually work together (that’s a good thing). And it sounds that although this guy is obnoxious and clueless, you don’t want to come off as a mean-hearted bitch. That’s good too. As I see it, your only choice is to lie. Tell him you’re married or engaged or something. Invest in a cheap ring. Show it to him. Tell him you’re not available for lunch. Ever.

It that still doesn’t work, I think you’re going to have to suck it up and be Very Blunt To The Point Of Meanness and take others’ advice and give him the When Hell Freezes Over speech.

Jeez…could you get a man (your man) to come with you to work and plant a big tongue-swirling wet one on you at the elevator?

27

Why lie? Why not just be honest?

28

Because she said:

She doesn’t want to take a more blunt approach (though it sounds like this guy will take a ton of bricks falling on him to get the hint).

29

I know all about the “I’m seeing someone” line. I practically invented that lie. It doesn’t stop the prideless creeps because they immediately roll out the “but it’s just lunch and doesn’t have to mean anything” counterline. Which necessitates me doing even more explaining and lying (“Yes, I know, but my boyfriend is the jealous type and I told him that I won’t do anything that blah-blah-blah.”) Which gets me back to making up false excuses just to save his feelings. This technique only works on men who can read between the lines or are not desperate.

Like some others have said, I think it is high time for me to be brutally honest. This has been going on for months now and goddammit, I’m not going to be wimp anymore!

The next time he pops the question, I promise you this is what is going to happen.

Creep: So what about lunch?
ywtf: You know what? I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want to have lunch with you and I don’t anticipate that changing in the near or long-term future.
Creep (with shocked expression): Why don’t you want to have lunch with me? It’s just lunch, you know.
ywtf: Because I just DON’T. I’m just not interested. You’re bad about taking hints. Sorry.
Creep: Sooo, what about dinner?
ywtf: What about a knuckle sandwich?
Okay, I’m kidding about the last part. But I will shoot for something like this. It strikes the perfect balance between polite and forceful. Thanks for the suggestions. I almost want to see him now, just so I give him a piece of my mind now that my confidence and anger are fresh.

30

How about, “I don’t feel like going to lunch today, my herpes is flaring up.”

If that fails you could lie. just a little joke

31

Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. If she doesn’t want this guy following her around like a lost puppy dog for the rest of her time at that job, then it would behoove her to be honest, direct, and forceful. Lying is very rarely the best solution, and I don’t think it is in this case.

32

Three options:

  1. Tell him politely but firmly that you do not like him and that he must stop speaking to you.

  2. Have a third party, be it an employer or a thug with a bat, tell him politely but firmly that you do not like him and that he must stop speaking to you.

  3. Direct self-induced projectile vomit on him.

Personally, I’d suggest number 1, and if he persists, then number 2, but if worst comes to worst, number 3 can be very effective (unless he has a fetish for that sort of thing).

33

A leeeeetle strong. You could always go with “What about you getting a clue? I’ve tried telling you no in a polite way, and you don’t seem to get it. The answer is no. Period.”

34

I think lying is the best way to go in order to avoid hurting a stranger’s feelings.

35

“You’ve asked a few times now and I just need to be clear that I won’t change my mind. I don’t want to go to lunch. Thanks for the offers, but no.”

The only time in my life I had this problem I used a variation on the above and it worked.

36

Holy crap. I could have written the OP. I had a 60+ YO old man doing exactly the things your guy did for the longest time. Even after I dropped comments about my boyfriend, etc.

Eventually…after a long time…he quit. Only to be replaced by another! Also 60+. It seems I am fairly attractive these days to men 20+ years my senior. I think it’s a combination of being young enough to be attractive and a little illicit and obviously being old enough to do something about it.

The other thing that weirds me out just a little is…they’re both black. So np black man has ever asked me out or even seemed to be interested until two 60 +YOs decide they will be.

Edit: Minor changes in syntax.

37

I thought this deserved further discussion, so I opened an IMHO thread about it.

38

You could always kick him in the balls, although you never know; he might like it.

39

Mmm, footjob. That’s hot.

40

There was a guy once years ago who worked w/me. every fucking time he saw me, he’d say “when are we going out?” every fucking time I answered “I don’t date co workers, I don’t date married men (he was married), I’m seeing some one else, and if none of the above were true, I’d still not go out with you”.

So, even leaving room for no interpretation doesn’t work with some folks.

Why did I not report it?
I did. To my supervisor, who ignored it.
I was forbidden contractually from speaking to his supervisor.
He also was very verbal about what he did to folks who pissed him off (this was prior to stalking laws, by the way),
He made sure I knew that he knew where I lived (no, I did not tell him).

It was a bad situation.

Sorry, ywtf that you’re going through this.
I hope you’re able to find a good solution. (my guy kept doing it until he was promoted and transferred to another city)