[QUOTE=wring]
There was a guy once years ago who worked w/me. every fucking time he saw me, he’d say “when are we going out?” every fucking time I answered “I don’t date co workers, I don’t date married men (he was married), I’m seeing some one else, and if none of the above were true, I’d still not go out with you”.
[/QUOTE]
If you gave that spiel every time, heck I’d be tempted to keep asking just to see how many times I could get you to do it. There’s an over-the-topness about it.
Was his name Gary?
So this guy bugs you, you think he’s a creep, you spend hours brainstorming and agonizing and soliciting advice about how to deal with him, but it is too hard for you to say, “I do not want to have lunch with you, please don’t ask me again.” Smile when you say it if you are so worried about his feelings. Quit lying to him and being so friendly with him, he probably thinks you’re playing coy. You can be direct and honest while still being polite. This is something you should know by 30.
I’d be willing to bet, that if this individual was harassing your 10yr old daughter in this fashion, you’d have no problem, what so ever, growing some ovaries and being both direct and blunt. Ladylike delicacies be damned.
This individual can only cause you stress, worry and fret so long as you allow.
He is using your own kindness and gentleness, your avoidance of conflict as a weapon in his war to wear you down. Your passivity only emboldens him and gives him strenghth. I think you know this, can sense the shift of power, can almost smell it in the air and it’s starting to make your skin crawl.
It almost seems like your being given the great gift of a life lesson. As in, “Do you have what it takes to be victimized?”.
Good Luck to you and please, live with caution!
[QUOTE=jsgoddess]
If you gave that spiel every time, heck I’d be tempted to keep asking just to see how many times I could get you to do it. There’s an over-the-topness about it.
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Eventually, I just held up my one hand and counted off “a, b, c, d”.
I’d just like to add one thing…
When he asks you why you don’t want to go to lunch with him (and I have a feeling he will) be prepared not to give an answer. Your only answer should be to request that he stop asking you.
creep: So what about lunch?
ywtf: You know what? I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want to have lunch with you and I don’t anticipate that changing in the near or long-term future.
Creep (with shocked expression): Why don’t you want to have lunch with me? It’s just lunch, you know.
ywtf: Because I just DON’T. I’m just not interested.
Creep: But why? or maybe How about just a visit to the snack bar with me?
ywtf: I’m asking you, in as nice a way as I can, to stop asking me. The answer is no, to everything. Please. Just stop.
and try not to get sucked into a conversation about why or whether or not you like him. At some point you have to be prepared to say “this conversation is over” and just walk away.
Maybe if women didn’t write books like “The Rules” which promote the idea that women are supposed to keep saying “no” even when they are interested, we wouldn’t have the problem of some men being too persistent.
I always assume that if I ask someone out, and she says no, that she actually means it. Yet friends will say, “Why don’t you ask again?” Why? Assuming you’re an intelligent adult, wouldn’t you say what you mean? Personally, I don’t get it. In my fantasy world, people actually say what they mean.
On the other hand, lowbrass, if some woman IS trying to play by “The Rules” and refuses your first request for a date, and you don’t ask again, well, then you won’t be dating someone who plays by “The Rules”. I’d call that a win for you.
[QUOTE=Lynn Bodoni]
On the other hand, lowbrass, if some woman IS trying to play by “The Rules” and refuses your first request for a date, and you don’t ask again, well, then you won’t be dating someone who plays by “The Rules”. I’d call that a win for you.
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But there’s refusing and there’s giving a series of oblique rebuffs which don’t necessarily convey a clear message. Sometimes when a woman wonders why a guy isn’t taking a hint, it’s time to stop hinting and just say it. A lot of guys will see answers like "not today,’ or “I don’t eat lunch,” as leaving the door open. YWTF, don’t leave any doors open. Just state clearly that you aren’t interested in that kind of personal relationship. Don’t expect men to be able to read between the lines. We tend to be pretty literal minded. If you say you don’t eat lunch, we think you really don’t eat lunch. You have to hit us in the head with a board.
Yes, and then when a woman says “No, thanks” it should be taken as “No, thanks”. And when a man persists and persists to the point where a woman is angry/annoyed he does NOT get to call her a bitch.
(I will also add that this is not limited to a mens’ behavior or to even heterosexual communications. To that lesbian in that bar that one time, when I say “Can you give me back my hand, please?” it means I want you to release it from your crotch. Now.)
[QUOTE=velvetjones]
I’d just like to add one thing…
When he asks you why you don’t want to go to lunch with him (and I have a feeling he will) be prepared not to give an answer. Your only answer should be to request that he stop asking you.
[/QUOTE]
I think this an important point as well. Giving reasons why you’re not interested implies that, if he can address those reasons, you might change your mind. So even if you give the “No thanks, I’m not interested” and he asks “Why not?”… If you say “Because you’re not my type”, if he’s the eternally hopeful, naive, desperate type, he might try to figure out what that is and become it. If you say “because I have a boyfriend/husband.” then he may wait around until you break up or, in a couple extreme cases I’ve seen, actively try to break you up.
As a caveat, not that it applies to this case, but if you actually do date a guy and then change your mind, from my experience, I would have appreciated the “why” at that point, simply so I wouldn’t have repeated the same mistake half a dozen times.
[QUOTE=wring]
There was a guy once years ago who worked w/me. every fucking time he saw me, he’d say “when are we going out?” every fucking time I answered “I don’t date co workers, I don’t date married men (he was married), I’m seeing some one else, and if none of the above were true, I’d still not go out with you”.
[/QUOTE]
I want to also re-itterate a sentiment said earlier, this seems like a clear message, but it’s SO over the top that it looks more like a game. Maybe he really meant it the first time or two, and then realized it got on your nerves, so he kept doing it.
Just because I’m curious, when exactly is “prior to stalking laws”? As far as I know, harrassment laws have been around for ages, at least in these parts. And contractual obligation or not, if your supervisor ignores it, if it’s making you unhappy enough to report it, isn’t it making you unhappy enough to risk violating the contract to go higher up the chain and getting it resolved or, God forbid, find another job?
[QUOTE=Blaster Master]
I want to also re-itterate a sentiment said earlier, this seems like a clear message, but it’s SO over the top that it looks more like a game. Maybe he really meant it the first time or two, and then realized it got on your nerves, so he kept doing it.
Just because I’m curious, when exactly is “prior to stalking laws”? As far as I know, harrassment laws have been around for ages, at least in these parts. And contractual obligation or not, if your supervisor ignores it, if it’s making you unhappy enough to report it, isn’t it making you unhappy enough to risk violating the contract to go higher up the chain and getting it resolved or, God forbid, find another job?
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re: kept doing it 'cause it got on my nerves - I don’t think so. The guy was really quite taken w/himself, bragged (to everyone) about his sexual exploits, carried naked pics of women he’d been with in his wallet.
RE: prior to stalking laws. Well, yes, it was, thank you. This happened some 20+ years ago, and here’s the law enacted in 1992.
RE: going above food chain etc - there’s a long story w/details I’m not willing to put out (giving too much info about the company), I’d have gotten fired. And I was a single parent at the time, getting fired was risky. I dealt with it the best way I saw fit at the time, kept attempting to enlist assistance from coworkers (his and mine) to dislodge him from this path.
remember, too, the guy knew where I lived.
[QUOTE=Lord Ashtar]
You need to quit beating around the bush and be upfront with him. Stop trying to get him to “take a hint”. Just say that you are not interested in having lunch with him EVER. Leave no room open for interpretation.
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Or, just go to lunch with him. The only objection the OP seems to have is that he’s old. Is that fair? He’s not asking you on a date, he’s not propositioning you, he’s just asking you to go to lunch. Tell him you’ll go to lunch if he takes you to the most expensive place around, and he picks up the entire tab. Order the lobster and highest-end chianti. Continue ad infinitum. I suspect this might discourage sooner and with less confrontation than anything else suggested here. And, you’ll get some free meals out of it.
[QUOTE=lowbrass]
I always assume that if I ask someone out, and she says no, that she actually means it. Yet friends will say, “Why don’t you ask again?” Why? Assuming you’re an intelligent adult, wouldn’t you say what you mean? Personally, I don’t get it. In my fantasy world, people actually say what they mean.
[/QUOTE]
A wise policy, and I agree with Lynn Bodoni. If she’s the type to say “no” when she means “yes,” then you’re better off. And the woman who actually does this is largely a myth, I’ve found. Women don’t turn down propositions from men they’re attracted to, and why would they? It’s completely illogical. I’ve even ocassionally sensed some respect sent my way for taking the let-down like a man. Sometimes they want to be my friend afterward, and a guy can never have too many female friends.
[QUOTE=Lizard]
Sometimes they want to be my friend afterward, and a guy can never have too many female friends.
[/QUOTE]
I just realized this post is completely at odds with 99% of the things I posted on this Board on this topic just a few years ago. It’s never too late to grow up! 
[QUOTE=wring]
re: kept doing it 'cause it got on my nerves - I don’t think so. The guy was really quite taken w/himself, bragged (to everyone) about his sexual exploits, carried naked pics of women he’d been with in his wallet.
RE: prior to stalking laws. Well, yes, it was, thank you. This happened some 20+ years ago, and here’s the law enacted in 1992.
[/QUOTE]
This was a point of ignorance on my part, I was under the impression they’d been around MUCH longer, I suppose because they’ve been law for as long as they wouldn’t potentially. A bit of Googling reveals that the first law wasn’t until 1990… wow. My apologies, I did not intend to offend you.
He sounds like a jerk. I wasn’t asserting that he was necessarily doing it to get on your nerves, but merely that I’d seen that sort of thing more than once. However, as there’s a long story involved and I do not wish to hijack the thread, I’ll quell my curiousity and refrain from commenting further.
That, plus he’s dense (at least in social sense, see OP), not attractive to me, and I’m really not a big fan of having chit-chat lunches with men who seem physically attracted to me when I’m not remotely feeling the same way. I don’t even like talking to him now, for three seconds in the hallway. Why would I want to subject myself to that pain for a whole hour?
[QUOTE=you with the face]
That, plus he’s dense (at least in social sense, see OP), not attractive to me, and I’m really not a big fan of having chit-chat lunches with men who seem physically attracted to me when I’m not remotely feeling the same way. I don’t even like talking to him now, for three seconds in the hallway. Why would I want to subject myself to that pain for a whole hour?
[/QUOTE]
Okay, I was being a litte bit facetious. I was also going to suggest you casually ention that you’re a lesbian, or something.
Okay, I didn’t finish editing this in time. I wanted to add that if this guy has you as upset as you’ve described, you really should do something. I think you’re long past the point of being nice, as others have pointed out. You don’t owe this jackass the explanations he seems to want; he’s just looking for more stimulating feedback. No matter what he says or asks, say “No, thanks,” and just keep walking, even if you are ignoring direct follow-up questions he’s asking. If necessary, even dispense with the no thanks. This is basically non-confrontational, and it deprives him of his payoff for initiating the interaction in the first place. It sounds crazy, but a guy who is infatuated will go out of his way for nothing more than smile and a few words. A long time ago in another life (middle school) even I did this. It’s juvenile, but there it is.
[QUOTE=Blaster Master]
This was a point of ignorance on my part, I was under the impression they’d been around MUCH longer, I suppose because they’ve been law for as long as they wouldn’t potentially. A bit of Googling reveals that the first law wasn’t until 1990… wow. My apologies, I did not intend to offend you.
[/quote]
no problem
yes, he was a jerk. there are folks out there who simply don’t take ‘no’ for an answer, no matter how forcefully it’s delivered.