Criminal Mischief

The BBQ Pit
1

I need to exact revenge on my boss. I would like to avoid jail if caught. I am, however, at wits end and desperate. I need creative ideas that need not be 100% legal, but fall on some murky gray fringe of misdemeanor.

Suggestions?

I’ll start with one fairly harmless example to get the creative juices flowing:

>Dismantle the boss’ chair
>Insert tuna salad sandwich (or some raw shrimp) into cylinder to which the seat attaches
>Re-attach seat
>Wait a day or two
>Laugh heartily and enjoy life, as an Evil Overlord should
>Gain satisfaction watching the futile attempt to locate the source of the stench emanating from private office

Now you.

2

Just so you know…

For a long time here in Texas, the difference between misdemeanor criminal mischief and felony criminal mischief was determined by the dollar value of the damage done by the criminal act, and that value sat at $50. Find out about it in your locale. You do not want a felony, even for a really good laugh.

3

Hmmmm, I like the shrimp in the chair idea myself, but, make sure there are no video cameras in the room, wear gloves, and do not be the first one to comment on the smell.

Or if boss is married, try planting some undies belonging to the opposit sex in his/her car.
Make sure they are scanty/outrageous.

Becareful though, you don’t want to get fired do you ?

Ayesha

4

None of our practical jokers are with the company anymore, but we used to have some good ones.

Pranks included:

The techie would rearrange another guy’s keyboard – change the characters? This was fun.

He also hacked passwords and sent obscene messages using other people’s names.

Poured water on an upholstered chair – just the seat was upholstery, not the back, so it wasn’t really noticeable that the seat and the back were slightly different shades of gray. Sit down. Voila! Wet bottom.

Inter-office mail was file folders inserted into those plastic things that screw on the wall. Glue the folder to the plastic thing. This is after you screw the plastic folders really high on the wall, and put the shortest guy’s mail folder in the top row.

Tell the one whose wife is expecting – on April 1 – that she called and is in labor. Joke was – she really was in labor but he didn’t believe it.

Sounds like you really wanna be evil though – good luck. You’ll let us know how it turns out?

5

I will follow up with anecdotes after the fact.

I do not want to be fired. Ideally, the boss will quit.

beatle - thanks for the advice. While I don’t intend to damage property. I should thoroughly investigate the boundaries of the law before taking any questionable action.

6

Have his electricity/phone/water turned off.

Have his car towed.

Send an anonymous letter to his wife describing the long affair you’ve had with him.

7

Just curious, Uli:

What did the boss do to deserve this ?

BTW, I love the tuna prank :wink:

Coldfire

“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
8

*advance apology for clumsiness of language due to gender neutrality. Paranoia reigns.

This boss represents an entire department by routinely showing up for meetings ill prepared and combative. When other managers at the boss’ level ‘called’ this boss on doing a half-assed job, the boss laughed and responded “Well, you know how it is. I have ADD”. Once I suggested to the boss that maybe taking notes would be appropriate, since there is an awareness of a memory problem. The response? “If my job required me to take notes, I would have a secretary.” It doesn’t bother my boss that they do a half-assed job.

Revenge because this boss openly plays favorites and is inconsistently punitive.

Revenge for being generally abusive. This boss openly refers to my co-manager as Spot so that when my peer says something in a meeting the boss doesn’t like, the boss can say “Heel, Spot”. My co-manager is a doormat. My boss tested my peer’s ruggedness by demanding 96 hours out of the peer in a single week. The peer wouldn’t think of talking to HR because of what the peer would have to deal with in the process. No shit. This is true. The boss was a contract consultant and was hired on their performance as such. The boss has only been a VP for a few weeks and really is a quite mad tyrant in regards to subordinates.

Homey won’t play that…so I get the second shift.
All the better to not see the boss full time.

Revenge because this is an outstanding job and this boss is polluting our work environment.

This boss is a hypocrite. None of the boss’ friends know the boss works for a company like ours. They are conservative. Our company is not. The boss is ruled by the almighty dollar. Our boss may quit when the friends receive notification of where the boss is employed.

Revenge, because when faced with service issues needing to be resolved and finalized, this boss says “What do other companies in our industry do in this situation?” NOT “What is the right thing to do for our customers?”

This boss is a fraud. The experience in our industry (Call Center) this boss does have is over a decade old – and the boss has no interest in looking at the concepts and developments of the last 10 years. I’ve taken to making all professional recommendations in writing via e-mail and CC:ing at least 2 other managers so that when the customer’s service shit experience hits the renewal sales fan in a few more months, it won’t then roll downhill in my direction.

Revenge because this boss is a liability and a cancer to an otherwise awesome young company.

Revenge because this boss views people not as team members or even as resources that we manage, but as cogs that can be easily replaced. This boss has no concept of 2.2% unemployment or dwindling workforce.

I am looking for another job.
I have already composed my resignation letter.

I intend to make this boss’ work environment as unpleasant as that of the workers has been made.
If the boss bails before I find another job, all the better – then I won’t go.

In essence: Revenge for being a thorn in my side.

9

Uliginous said:

Well, that seems like a good prank right there.

Make up a flyer for your company (shouldn’t be too hard; MS Publisher is great for that, but failing that, any word processing company can do it) that emphasizes the great liberal things that your company does (providing free housing for gay black unmarried welfare mothers or whatever). Specifically note your boss- by name- as being in charge of fundraisers, or having contributed to this project, or what have you. Scanning a picture of your boss and using it in said flyer would help tremendously.

Then, just find the names of some of your bosses’ friends, and get their address from phone books or however you can. Then mail a stack of flyers to each friend with a small Post-It on the top saying “Hey- just saw this about Mr. Boss. Did you know this about him?”

Caveat- be careful in mailing it and with the Post It; hadwriting samples and a home address are bad things to leave behind (use the address of one of Boss’ friends as the ‘From’ address).

Second Caveat- do not work on this or print it out at work; that’s way too dangerous. (Well, duh.)

The best part is, you’re not really doing anything illegal (though you could still get fired). You’re giving true information about Boss and the company Boss works for.

Third Caveat- of course, this may backfire by getting Operation Rescue and the NRA to picket your company and cause a major ruckus.

JMCJ

This could be YOUR sig line! For just five cents a post, JMCJ Enterprises will place YOUR sig line at the bottom of each message!

10

Internal company gossip is an unstoppable force – Ye need have only one outside confederate with a very authoritative manner to utterly destroy a person’s reputation.

The first firm I worked for in the U.S. had a department manager who was similarly in need of a hot Vicks enema – a few of us enlisted an outside friend to leave a message with the receptionist when the manager was out of the office: “This is Attorney ‘Smith’ calling from ‘Smith, Jones, & Smith,’ concerning the paternity suit my client filed against Mr. Manager. Please have him call me back at his earliest convenience.”

The grapevine took care of the rest. Should the object of yer wrath be female, I’m sure a creative mind can make an appropriate substitute for ‘Paternity Suit.’ None of the details matter – by the time the poor fool gets back to the office the damage is already done.

Dr. Watson
“Don’t try this at home, this man is a professional.”

11

Take out subscriptions to pornographic magazines (the more disgusting the better) and have them sent to, wherever. The office. The local library (if he’s known around town), the country club (if he’s a member), his home, his friend’s homes, etc. (Just to be on the safe side, I would type out the subscription cards).

If s/he has a dropped ceiling in the office, put something aromatic up there (limburger cheese comes to mind).

That’s just off the top of my head - I’ll get back to you if I think of any more.

AuntiePam - I LIKE the wet seat. You are truly evil :slight_smile:

Princess of the Time and Space Continuum since 1969 (upgraded to Goddess 01/07/00)

OK, we have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart. =^…^=

12

Uh, guys? Be careful here, hmmm? Can you say “defamation” and “invasion of privacy?” Starting a rumor about someone is defamation, and it’s not a question of landing your ass in jail, it’s a question of costing you big bucks in a civil lawsuit. And it probably won’t be covered by your personal liability policy, if you even have one.

Public disclosure of intimate or private facts about a person, even if true, is also actionable.

I personally like the limburger cheese on the engine block under the hood. Doesn’t damage the car, but the memory lingers . . . .I’ve heard of shrimp sewn into the hem of the curtains, too.

-Melin
“Be careful out there”

13

I suppose we could try dredging up Barb’s lists from the AOL/SDMB. I think she still monitors misc.facts.straight-dope. Just ask for AccidentalYuppie (then hide–even just reading some of her revenge pranks can chill you).

Tom~

14

Perhaps on a tad more elementary school level (but effect nonetheless) - vaseline is amazing stuff. On leather car seats and office chairs it can take months to completely get off - then there is the initial shock when one first sits on the seat. The again if you wish to lean more towards aggrevation as opposed to outright destruction, you could buy about three boxes of Saran Wrap and wrap the persons car up almost completely - no ones getting into that car for awhile. Along the same lines - somehow procure lots of bumper stickers (the dirtier the message the better) and place them over the crack where the cardoor and car meet. It will take an exacto knife to get into the car, lots of manhours to get the stickers off the car, and that cars finish will never be the same. Some final words of advice : whatever you decide to do DON’T GET CAUGHT. Good luck.

15

Damn! There is some creative stuff here! I was just going to suggest putting Saran Wrap in the toilet seat, but this stuff is much better! I may not have a great mind for evil, but still, I wish Melin put off her admonition til later… I wanna hear some more pranks! Just kidding, Melin! :slight_smile:

The most rewarding part was when I got my money!
-Dr. Nick Riviera

16

You want nasty? I’ll give you nasty.

Get some company letterhead and a sample of your boss’s memo-writing style. Type up a memo in his/her name, and sprinkle it with a few racial/sexual slurs. Leave it in the copier or sitting in the printer tray.

  1. Don’t use a shared network printer or your work computer/typewriter. If you can use the boss’s machine, if not, find a coworker who deserves to be taken down and use THEIRS.

  2. Don’t use your home computer or anything else from your home.

  3. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t gloat.

  4. BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN YOU WANT TO DO THIS. THE CHANCES ARE NOT IN YOUR FAVOR AND YOU WILL LIKELY BE CAUGHT. IF YOU AREN’T TOTALLY COMMITED TO THIS SORT OF ACTION, FORGET IT.

  5. Read #4 again. I’m dead serious.
    – Sylence

I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.

17

. . . Now that I’ve got your attention, I have to ask-- do you really want to do this?

Do you REALLY want to risk punishment, losing your job, possible legal action?

This is a SERIOUS decision. If I was in your situation, I’d forget about it. The risks are not worth it. You WILL likely be caught.

This is not a game. This is real life and you can RUIN your life if you’re not careful.

Do you get my point?
– Sylence

I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.

18

Uliginous: Sounds like you’re working for the company I used to work for. Same boss, too.

“…being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.”

19

Grind a single raw shrimp, shell and all in the blender with a few cups of water. Let it settle in the fridge for a few hours and pour off the clear liquid. Place the liquid in a small spray bottle. Apply this in “stealth” manner to out of the way places in the offenders office.

This method has a lot going for it. The liquid is nearly odorless when applied. After a few hours it reaks of a third world fishing dock. The scent lingers and is very hard to locate the exact scource. If a tiny bottle is used, it can be applied right before the bosses eyes (like to the front of his desk).

Be sure to discard the vile stuff after a day or so though, it doesnt remain odorless for long.