The Best Revenge...

I have always heard that the best revenge is a life well lived. True though that may be it doesn’t have the immediate satisfaction that comes from a prank of epic proportions! Okay, so I’m a big weenie and I won’t be playing a prank on anyone but I am enlisting the help of my fellow dopers to fantasize about the meanest, nastiest things I could do to exact revenge upon my employer.

Here is a quick rundown of my employment situation for the last year. I was lied to about what I would be doing when I was hired on so my job is not nearly as interesting or enjoyable as I had hoped it would be. A coworker went in and screwed with my work, making my boss think I was incompetent until I was able to find everything he messed up and correct it. I have been assigned to a lunch hour taken by no one else in the office so I have to eat alone in my cubicle because there is literally no one available to talk to over lunch. For the past two weeks they have been trying their best to whittle away at my self esteem, my best guess as to why is that they want me to quit so they don’t have to pay severance or unemployment. Now, after all of this and numerous other problems in the workplace, I have been told by my supervisor that I will be leaving my current job in about a week and a half. Not because I’m bad at my job or anything, just because they don’t feel like I fit in.

I have an interview for a much better job that is much closer to home later this week. If I get that job it will be very, very gratifying to know that I was forced out of the frying pan and into the dessert cart, so to speak. This will be enough “revenge” to satisfy my primal urges. However, that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about all the mean things I want to do here over the next week and a half while I am still at this job.

So far I have come up with the following vengeful ideas:

-sprinkling grass seeds into the carpet so that the next time they steam clean it will create a lawn inside the office building
-smearing cheese inside the toaster oven so it will smell and burn every time someone wants to toast a bagel
-waiting until people walk away from their computers without locking them and adding zany things to the auto correct function in MS Office Suite
-setting up a metronome or some other such noisy thing and hiding it in the ceiling panels

What ideas can you come up with to add to my list of fantasy pranks?

Call the local investigative news team to let them know what your company is REALLY doing.

A coworker of mine hid one of those automatic air fresheners - the kind that spray every 10 minutes or so (I think he swiped it from the restroom.) He put it as far back and up in the kneehole of another coworker’s desk. For several weeks, the victim was treated to periodic spritzes of pine or lemon or whatever the fragrance was. Since his job required him to be out and about a lot, it was truly random for him to be seated when it happened.

It was hilarious when he finally cracked and figured out where the spray can was…

There’s always that “But you might need a reference” thing. But I’ll put my thinking cap on and try to get back to you.

In other “sweet revenge” news, I was watching Gene Simmons/Family Jewels the other night. Ordinarily I think he’s a dick but he redeemed himself a bit.

Shannon and Tracy were getting a pedicure when somehow, one of the salon workers hurt Tracy. I couldn’t tell how much was serious and how much was real…she was definitely in pain and they left. Anyway one the salon women called them “Beverly Hills bitches” or something like that, as they were leaving. Tracy later said, “They broke my toe in five places”—I don’t know if that’s exaggeration or real.

Gene didn’t like that. Next day or so, he asks Tracy and Shannon to come with him. They go back to the salon and

Gene says he bought the place. And all the women there are fired.

I know I might need a reference, and I am generally not a douche, so I won’t actually be playing any pranks on anyone. I don’t mind spending a few minutes here and there thinking about all the hilariously cruel things one can do in an office setting though!

You can never go wrong with hiding shrimp in inaccessable places. This could work with milk as well.

Also, chicken strips or fish fingers.

Don’t forget the good graces of smelly cheeses and air handleing devices.

Put up a really filthy Craigslist personal ad with your boss ( or whomever else’s) phone number.

Are there computers involved? There’s always the old dodge of taking a screenprint of the offender’s desktop (icons and programs and menu bars and all), setting that as the wallpaper, then hiding all the real icons and programs and menu bars.

Or you could flood the place with confetti. Confetti that matches the colour schemes and is scented with butyl mercaptan, the stuff they put in natural gas so make it stink.

A mysterious dump in the middle of the conference room…
What? Too subtle?

You know, I like my job and have no plans on leaving… but I want to do this. Having grass growing in my office would rock.

hide potatoes here and there; in the drop ceiling, in unused cubicles, wherever. Make sure you score or puncture the skin on each of them. Everyone loves the smell of rotting potato.

So you are still on the probation period? And you feel that you will be fired?

The best revenge would be writing an articulate letter of resignation, outlining why you are leaving and sending one to your boss, your boss’s boss and HR.

Then you can leave with your head high knowing that you did the right thing.

Don’t burn bridges. You never know where the next road will take you.

This sounds right up your alley.

Are any of your evildoers keeping track of their car mileage? If so, you can mess with them by putting a small, but progressively larger, amount of gas into their car. Work up to giving them a couple of weeks of stellar mileage, safe in the knowledge that they will go nuts once you stop, trying to figure out why they can never get that kind of mileage again.

I heard this one on Car Talk.

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Well, do you want a prank, or revenge?

You will never find a better prank than grass in the carpet.

Revenge? That’s different.

Request a short meeting with every supervisor, manager, director in your department; let them know how much you enjoyed working for them, citing specific reasons; tell them how sorry you are that things didn’t work out, but that you are certain all the … problems … in the department will be resolved soon, because you know they are not the type of person, or manager, to allow this type of situation to continue. And that you are certain that Upper Management will support them.

Radiate “You know and I know that I can not really say what You Know and I Know is Really-Going-On”, with a dash of “… but I am worried about you, nevertheless …”

This will wreck havoc in a department where the kind of back-door, back-stabbing, piss-ant, petty-ass, power plays that burned you are allowed.

Of course there is always the fun of those reader service cards (from either Pig Farmer Magazine or something more questionable) with every number circled & sent in with the ex-boss’ name & office address. I understand that the pig feed samples are particularly enjoyable in the mail slot.

Food coloring in the coffee!

If you can coax, wheedle, or cajole your boss into eating a pickle, I’ve heard this will make the dye set longer.

And then go out and splurge on something really nice for yourself, because living well is the best revenge. :wink: