Critique my dating profile

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Can you help? I’m clueless and dateless, and ready to prostrate myself upon the alter of the Millions, all armed with clue guns.
Self-aware science nerd and closet grammar Nazi, new to town, seeking interesting and interested snuggle.

I’m a contrary beast sometimes: I like to think I’m a bit zeitgeisty and contemporary, but I’m also somewhat old-fashioned. I hate being called quirky, but I secretly think I am. Ich spreche keine Deutsch. I love my work, mostly, but it’s just what I do, not who I am. Sometimes I have literary and/or musical pretensions, but I’m too chicken to act on them. I’m new to Bendigo (well, newish) and have sort of resisted making friends in the normal ways, don’t ask me why. Travelling is fun, I’ve been to south east Asia and Europe as a filthy filthy backpacker, and worked for six months on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. I also had a cool job travelling around Australia a few years back, so I’ve seen a good bit of bush too. I think my next big jaunt will be to a crazy European city - Tallin in Estonia, or Reykjavik in Iceland.

My Interests
Music:
I like Sufjan Stevens, Death Cab For Cutie, Rufus Wainwright (not sure about Martha), Ed Harcourt, The Lucksmiths (and in the same vein, The Guild League and Darren Hanlon) and Ben Folds. I used to be afraid of folk pop, but I’ve begun to embrace it. I sing a bit, I play a bit. Fun!
Reading:
I’m in a strange self-inflicted fiction hole - for some reason I only want to read modern fiction by male authors. This has gone on for far too long, and I’m trying my best to break out. Favourite authors include Nick Hornby, Ian Banks, Tom Perrotta, Michael Chabon, Daniel Handler, etc.
Movies:
Christopher Guest mockumentaries, sardonic comedies, something with a bit of thought put into it. My taste is all a bit everywhere, isn’t it? Just not really into stupid action movies, rom-coms, blood and guts. And Joss Whedon is my master now.
Sport:
I’ll watch cricket, maybe tennis. I ride my bike around and go to the gym.
Other interests:
I like looking around. I’m not a birdwatcher, but I could be. Birdlooker? My veggie patch is coming along, although hauling grey water about is tedious. Bugger this drought, Clancy! I play a mean game of Scrabble, watch out for that 50pt bonus for a 7 letter word. I have two house bunnies.

My ideal partner:
Have you got the kook? Are you a nerd of some description, but still socially functional? Can you stomach my awful, awful puns? Will you buy me a beer?

2

I like the bouncy, quirky tone of your profile. I’d probably write you if you fit my age/sex/location requirements. :slight_smile:
However, I do see one aspect that I think you might want to consider changing:
One thing that jumps out at me is that you seem to pepper your writings with a lot of words that have a negative tone to them.
My advice would be to avoid using the phase “grammar Nazi”, even in a joking way, since most of us have a knee jerk “Nazi = bad” subconscious association that could end up hurting your success rate. Additionally, most people would probably not like the idea that you might be judging them on how well written their reply to you is, and therefore they’d be less likely to answer you.

Similarly, the “contrary beast” part might lead someone to make a snap judgement that you like to argue with your partners. I’d recommend just taking that part out and diving right into selling your good qualities.

Instead of saying you “hate” to be thought of as quirky, you could try rewriting it with a more neutral phrasing such as “Friends have described me as quirky, and sometimes I think they’re right” (or something along those lines). The comment about “stupid action movies” could also be offensive to someone. Unless it’s actually a dealbreaker to you if your dream date likes action movies, I’d take out the reference to what you dislike so that you don’t risk alienating someone who might otherwise be perfect for you.

I hope my comments don’t offend you. You sound like a great person. It’s just that I’ve come to believe it’s best to try to focus on being as positive in your profile description to get some good quality, sane :slight_smile: replies. Good luck!

3

Hey, I’d date you. I already gave you one gift!

But yeah, I’d look for all things phrased negatively and change them around or delete them. I have no idea what venue this will appear in, but it seems a bit wordy. You need a few more catchphrases. And you need a good bit more sex appeal. My sense is that you’re applying for a job, not looking for romance. You used the word “snuggle” once, and that’s the only hint I have that you’re looking for more than a debating opponent.

Just a suggestion: Change “Self-aware science nerd and closet grammar Nazi, new to town, seeking interesting and interested snuggle” to “Seeking interesting and interested snuggle.”

4

I guess that I’m late to say that you should remove “grammar Nazi” from your headline. It will be jarring and offensive to some.

5

Does “I have two house bunnies.” mean that you have drawer full of Playboy magazines?

That might not be so smart to joust about. Just sayin’ :dubious:

6

Thanks guys - I spose I’m trying a bit too hard to be self-deprecating, and my default seems to be, when in doubt, babble. One or two hardy souls have already contacted me… I’ll make some changes and see where it gets me! Think I should replace “grammar Nazi” with “punctuation enthusiast”? :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m wearing it today! Thanks again!

No, it means my two pet rabbits live inside. Maybe “bunny” has a more innocent connotation round here… or maybe not.

7

Ya might wanna state your gender, and say what gender you’re seeking…

8

Someday You Will Be Loved. :wink:

Don’t kill yourself to find so many things that separate you from the rest of the herd. Even very common interests (as long as it is honest) that you have should be shared. I guess what I mean to say is…don’t marginalize yourself too much.

9

Honestly, that profile would be a turn off to me. You come across with quite the pretentious air and I can’t say that’s the type of thing I’m looking for. Of course, that’s a personal preference of mine, so that (obviously) certainly isn’t the case for everyone.

10

One thing that I saw that stuck up was the comment to the effect of, “I’ve resisting making friends so far - don’t ask me why.”

This is a big blinking light. Why haven’t you? Why are you so defensive about it? If it was something trivial (like you moved here for a job that had long/odd hours) why would you specify that you weren’t to be asked about it? And if it is a problem, is it something inquirers should, in good conscience, know about?

11

I can’t figure out if your looking for a RELATIONSHIP, or you’re new in town and looking for fun people to date, but I have a feeling its the latter, in which case, yes, lighten it up a little (ex: change ‘ideal partner’ to ‘who i’d like to meet’) Also, I’m not sure what the “resisted making friends in the normal ways” comment means, but if your just trying to say that you haven’t met as many people as you would like, then I think you can leave it out, I think its implicit in putting up a profile that you have space for new people in your life. (On preview: what Jaochai said)

I think you have a really good list of hobbies and interests, it gives a good sense of you are. So much better than the usual ‘I like to party the night away, but I also like to stay home and watch DVDs’ crap.

12

I’d remove the comment about how you’ve “seen a good bit of bush”. Even though I get that you are talking about Australia, it comes across as a bit crass. If the double entendre is intentional, it seems a bit out of place considering the rest of your post. Also, I have to say that I almost stopped reading at the word “snuggle” - I found it way too cutesy and frankly, kind of annoying (sorry).

13

I’d ditch the “closet grammar Nazi”. Otherwise you sound like an interesting person to meet. l**avenderviolet ** and other’s have given you lots of pretty positive advice about ways to spruce it up a bit.

Best of luck!

14

Let me provide some thorough and honest feedback.

First of all: Include a picture. If you don’t, people assume you’re ugly. Be (mostly) honest about your appearance.\ - you can cheat your height by an inch, your weight by 10-30 pounds depending how tall you are and how well you carry it. If the site allows multiple pictures, have multiple pictures. Use the right ones - well taken photos where you’re well (casually) dressed, preferably in social situations, and look calm, in control, and at ease. If you don’t have any, get a friend to take some.

Don’t use the word “Nazi” in your profile. In addition to the obvious negative connotations, “Grammar Nazi” reads to me like a euphemism for “picky asshole.”

You do not say that’s you’re looking for a human being. A “snuggle” isn’t a person. You’re advertising to people, not gerunds. Change that. I have no idea what sort of person you’re looking for, even a general sort; in fact, I don’t know if you’re looking for a man or a woman.

“I’m a contrary beast” reinforces the “asshole” concept. The second sentence tells me nothing whatsoever about you; “Well, I have elements of two opposite characteristics.” You and six billion other people. “Zeitgeisty” isn’t really a word -and there are two groups of people in the world; those who don’t know what “zeitgeist” is and who’ll stop reading at that point, and those who know what “zeitgeist” is and so know that “I’m a bit zeitgeisty” is nonsense.

Not overly bad, but wordy. Cut back.

Never, ever, ever say you don’t make friends easily in ANY way. Ever. It screams “troubled loner.” Saying or implying once that you’re quirky is fine. More than once says “I am weird.” Not making friends is weird, and you already said you were quirky, so do the math.

Too wordy. Cut down.

No, no, no. Citing specific bands is no good; it makes you sound like a record store clerk who’ll spit on folks who like anything different. It’s exclusionary. Cite broad music types. “I like indie rock, some jazz, even a little folk pop - like to perform AND listen.” That’s inclusive enough to encourage anyone whose tastes are close to yours.

Unnecessarily wordy. Remember the mantra of good writing:

Omit unnecessary words.

In the above example, simply cite the authors and leave it at that. Maybe like this: “Right now, reading Nick Hornby, Ian Banks, and Tom Perrota. Loved `About a Boy.’”

That was fine up until the third sentence. Too long. Just use the first two.

Not bad. Lose the irrelevant quote.

Nobody wants to be a nerd. This either tells the potential date, “I am a nerd if I respond to this person” or “S/he is a nerd.” Don’t say that. I like the rest of it.

15

Very nice RickJay! You ought to go into business writing these things.

16

“Bush” is just the Aussie equivalent of “the great outdoors”. I doubt you’d find too many people sniggering at it unless it was out of context. And they were twelve.

This is coming from a dude, which I sense is not your target audience, araminty… but it’s waaaay too honest.

It sounds like most of us Dopers truly are but don’t like to admit. Great if you’re looking for a Dope-type girl, but you’ll seriously be limiting your options.

17

Wow! Thanks all, great suggestions. I’m still wrestling with the text, what with my real job getting priority and all, but yeah, thanks!

Couple of things from upthread: the site itself does the headlines, eg., Ideal Partner. It also specifies ages, sex, location, preference, etc. Just in case enquiring minds need to know, I’m 26, female and straight. There are a few pretty good photos of me posted, and I am a bit worried about it, as I’m sort of known around town - got recognised in the petrol station the other day - from my monthly radio spots?! But I’ll persevere with them, they do make a difference.

And, RickJay, I’d like to respectfully disagree about specifically naming musicians, authors, etc. who I like. I think it’s a really easy thing to have in common with potential new whatevers, and can help start the awkward conversations.

And about the nerd comment - I like nerds. I am one myself. I relate best to them. I met someone recently who wasn’t a nerd, of any sort, and I was a bit bemused. And I think the term nerd is starting to be used in a more self-aware and ironic way, almost like reclamation. Don’t you?

Thanks again, all.

18

On the other hand, its a very easy thing not to have in common, yet also to be in a mutual position to lead each other to discover new music they like. That’s practicaly a whole date-like event right there!

This goal is served best by naming styles rather than band names, methinks.

-FrL-
Thanks again, all.
[/QUOTE]

19

First let me say, you’d probably get a message from me. I thought it was an endearing profile.

There are too many adjectives in here to make immediate cohesive sense of what you’re saying… you sound like you’re trying too hard.

Snuggle is cute. Grammar Nazi isn’t offensive, but maybe a bit clishé.

Funny!

This sentence isn’t as clear as it could be. You’ve got an awfully large amount of commas and little short repetitive words. I love the sentiment though (cut out the ‘‘mostly.’’) Name specifically what you do for a living: ‘‘I love my job as a meatloaf slicer, but it’s not who I am.’’

What exactly does this mean? Do you mean you like to create music and literature? If that’s what you mean, make it more straightforward: ‘‘I am interested in music and writing, but too chicken to get anything published.’’ (or whatever you’re trying to say here…specifics are best. Say you write mystery fiction or jazz music instead of just fiction and music.)

I don’t think you need to mention you’ve resisted making friends in the normal ways. It does make you seem kind of antisocial. Not necessarily a deal breaker, just one of those ‘‘eh’’ kind of things. You’d probably be better off saying ‘‘I’m rather new to Bendigo’’ than putting it in a parenthetical. Over-use of parentheticals makes you look like you’re insecure and unsure about what you really want to say.

I think traveling is spelled wrong (wouldn’t have noticed it, but spellcheck did.) Other than that, I think this is a really interesting thing about you, and I like your ‘‘filthy filthy backpacker’’ joke. Again, more specifics would be nice… mention (concisely) what you did in Australia and Southeast Asian and Europe. Put it all together: ‘‘I love to travel! I’ve been from the Taj Mahal in India to the Eifel Tower in France to… blah blah’’ Then, ‘‘My next destination will be blah blah.’’ Simple.

The interests stuff is just fine, though I might mention the genre first before you mention specifics. [aside: Browncoats unite!]

Faints If it weren’t already belonging to someone else, my heart and soul would be yours, bro. [Try, ‘‘LIQUEUR’’ on your last full turn when you’re 30 points behind on a triple word score! BAM!]

I disagree with those who think it’s bad news to ask for a nerd. It’s darling. Everyone has a little nerd in them. And owing to the popularity of the internet, there are vastly more people who self-identify as nerds than did before. Honestly I think your ‘‘ideal partner’’ spiel is the best part of the whole damn profile. You want to weed out the idiots and attract only the ladies [gentlemen?] who can keep up with your intellectually rigorous, witty, self-deprecating self.

Overall, good job! Nothing in this would break the deal for me–you seem interesting and smart and pleasant and a little insecure, which is cute from my perspective because I abhor arrogance. I would advise you clean it up a bit, make it more concise and a little less, ‘‘watch me dazzle you with my extensive vocabulary’’ and a little more of the snuggly romantic stuff.

Olives,
Christy

On preview: You mentioned that you were new to town twice. I think you only should have to mention it once.

ETA: Sorry, I didn’t realize you were a woman. In that case, I rescind the giving you my heart and soul and ask if you’d like to go out for coffee sometime. :wink:

20

Cool! I’m so glad you like it.

I’m with you on the nerd thing. My ex and I were initially drawn together over that word. It instantly said that we’d be happier discussing string theory than football. It’s why we stayed together for as long as we did.

I’d lose the word beast. Guys want to date chicks. Guys want to date babes. Some guys even want to date creatures of various sorts. Very few are looking for a beast.