Critique my response to a personal

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m on Matchdoctor and came across the personal from someone I’d like to get to know better. Her profile is here but I don’t know if non-members can view it. My question is geared mainly towards the ladies. If you posted the ad aboce and recieved a letter like the one below would your reaction be positive or negative if you even took the time to read it.

Subject: There are no strangers, just new friends.

Hi, I’m Emanuel. I’ve read your profile and feel we have a lot in common. If you take a chance on me we could be very good friends if not more than friends.

I’m like you with the eclectic interests. I enjoy all types of music from sitting on the lawn at the Arts Center seeing The Black Eyed Peas or Santana to a High School choir perform holiday music or listening to my XM Radio. I’ve driven down to Maryland a few times to go to concerts that were just not coming to New Jersey and enjoyed the drive as much as the show.

One aspect of my late teen and early Twenties that I miss is the road trips I used to go on with my friends when we had more time than we do with work. We would get in a car and just start driving in a random direction and see where we ended up.

One trip I remember well. We decided to head North. The next thing we know we are in Boston and it’s getting to be early morning. We parked our car in the lot underneath Boston Commons and walked around Beantown. For lunch we stopped at The Bull and Finch pub. After that we left Boston and headed for Salem to see the town. Somehow we become lost and ended up in Hampton Beach, NH. I fell in love with that town the first time I saw it. It is what a shore town in NJ should be. I try to go back there every year at least for a weekend. After leaving Hampton Beach we did make it to Salem MA but it was very early in the morning so nothing was open. We were almost out of time because we had to work the next day so we ended up going back to NJ.

Workwise I am currently with the state in the Department of Labor. I enjoy the people I work with and most of the people calling for help. At the end of the day I look forward to my classes at Brookdale where I’m going for a degree in computer networks. The degree with my certifications will help me advance to other jobs with the state.

When it comes to sports I am mostly a spectator. I enjoy going to Baseball games (go Mets and Blueclaws) and I also bowl socially and play miniature golf.

Family is important to me and so are friends. My parents mean the world to me and due to family circumstances I chose to live with them but I am independent from them. I can honestly say that I have kept all my friends from High School because I made good decisions on who I want as a friend. My friends know I would do anything for them and I know they would do the same for me.

I’m looking forward to hearing more about you and answering any questions you might have for me.

<my first name>

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So too long? Too boring? Just right?

2

If I were going to make any single suggestion, it would be this:

Either read this aloud to yourself, or have somebody read it aloud to you. It’s choppy and lacks any inflection, with run-on sentences and a real lack of punctuation. You’ll hear what I mean if you read it aloud.

All I know about you is your words: use them the best you can. If you like, I’ll re-write this so you can read IT aloud and hear the difference.

3

I wouldn’t start off on the wrong foot by posting her profile on a message board read by thousands of people. You should ask a mod to break that link.

4

Haj it’s a public link but I’ll ask a miod what they think

5

Chottie if you wouldn’t mind rewriting it I’d appreciate it

6

Good luck Manny! Reading you letter you seem like a really nice guy.

7

How much experience do you have with dating sites? In my experience, first contact is usually brief. You give them a link to your profile (actually, the program does) and they get all your basic info from the profile. In your email you tell them what drew you to their profile and why you liked it and why you think you’d be a good match in a few words.

You don’t really acknowledge her at all. You just give your life story. People like to talk about themselves - looks like you do too. You might get farther asking more about her instead of talking about you. She asks you to ask questions right in her profile.

If this were me, I’d be turned off. No interest in me and a really sappy subject line. My first impression would be that you’re interested in promoting yourself and not interested in me - been there, done that. Move alon.

8

Bingo. Keep it short, sweet, acknowledge you’ve read her profile by referencing something in your email, and leave a question or two about her to keep her interested and the conversation going. That response is awfully long for an intro. You know, who knows, I’m sure some people appreciate a little more effort, but in my experience, two paragraphs should be enough during initial contact.

9

Make it more confident (esp the first line)

Make it more about her. Just tell her what you like about her profile. Ask her what you want to konw about her.

Make it shorter.

Don’t tell her you live with your parents yet. That can come later.

10

I’d definitely go with shorter, and along those lines, I’d volunteer less personal information. If it’s not worth mentioning in your profile (and she WILL look at your profile), it’s probably not worth mentioning in your introductory e-mail unless it somehow ties in directly with something in her profile. (Yeah, she does mention music, but then everybody (except me) mentions music in their profile. The amount of attention she puts on it in her profile isn’t proportional to the amount of space it got in your e-mail, IMO.)

Also, I’d try to inject (more) humor and personality into your response. Right now you’re basically trying to fact her to death, and IME/IMO, that doesn’t generally go over well.

11

Personally, if I were writing her, I’d probably throw together something along the lines of:

Of course, I’m tired as hell, so this may make no sense, and I’m also woefully single despite my best efforts, so perhaps this is all horrible advice to begin with.

(And, of course, if she were to take you up on the offer, you’d then hit all the horror-movie threads in CS and grab something ASAP.) :wink:

12

I’d not even read the email. [to me] that sounds creepy

Too long. K.I.S.S. Tell her you like her profile (or that the system says you two are a match) and let her look at yours - if she’d interested she’ll let you know.

13

I agree with the others that it is too long for a first contact. Also, I would change the first line from;

To something a little less persumptious, like “I’ve read your profile and it sounds like we have a lot in common.”

I think (FWIW) with the first contact it’s a lot like a cover letter to a resume, quick to the point, and I look forward to hearing from you. Good luck.

14

I don’t wanna be mean, but it’s the “I bowl socially” that lost me. I understand that ESPN X shows bowling in the context of a professional sport, but I don’t think it’s quite so serious a sport that you need to clarify that you are not a professional. To be honest, if you WERE professional, I don’t know that I’d mention that either initially. It’s kind of like saying, “I play basketball.” I’d never assume you played it for a living unless you said so; 99.9% of the people who play the sport don’t get paid to do it.

And then you mention that you also play miniature golf.

And then you confess that you live with your parents.

Truth is a very delicate flower; it doesn’t need this much sunlight. It should grow gradually, in an encouraging environment. Your reasons for all the above are probably stellar, but nobody is going to assume that. All of her girlfriends are going to read everything you say, and they’re going to assume (and tell HER to assume) the worst; don’t give them this type of ammunition.

15

This is exactly what I was going to say. You sort of bombard her with information about yourself and don’t really ask her anything about her - that would turn me off - I would assume you were self absorbant (this is a joke from another thread, lest anyone think I’m a total nutter). Ahem.

Anyway - less intense, more jokey. If you want to confess your love for bowling, minigolf and your parents basement, I think you could do that on your 4th date when she’s sort of into you and more likely to overlook your personal quirkyness or better yet, find it charming.

Also, your subject line is SUPER creepy. Some people ARE strangers, and need to stay that way - I would change that for sure.

Dial it back a bit, ask more questions about her, and don’t volunteer so much about you - I’d skip the whole “One trip driving north…” story - this is an intro e-mail, not your memoirs.

Lighter! Fluffier! More like a little kitten or puppy! Anyway - you know what I mean.

16

Make it shorter and give the name you like to be called for. Do americans find Emanuel pronunceable? Is it what people call you?

17

I am sitting here laughing my ass off picturing her on the Straight Dope right now scanning through the new posts. Funny shit, man.

WAY TOO LONG, but at least she would be able to tell her friends about the guy who sent her the essay.

I like this though:

Not the frequent trips and I don’t think you would have a choice but to go.

18

<derail>I just got this

Hi sweetie ; ) hope everything is just fine with u?? : ) I`m very curious who u are as a person, send me a mail and tell me more about u and send some more pics to, i really want to see more of u ; )
Me my self work as a proffesional golf player and i travel all over the world, and when the game is not going to good : ) i work as a Masseur… ( im very good at massage) hehe … well my hobbies is surfing, music, racing cars on track and martial art that i have been practising for 19 years now… My mail adress is willetwister
Hope to here from u soon

In one of my personals site inbox… should I answer??

He’s Swedish BTW