Still yet again another on-line dating thread, enough already

In My Humble Opinion
1

So in this thread which I shamelessly hijacked from elmwood, the helpful QuickSilver, the perceptive jsgoddess, and the lovely tremorviolet offered some advice on my on-line dating profile and approach, specifically, that I not be too forward or in-depth in a first message to a potential date/significant other/future ex-Stranger. cough

So, with this approval and in accordance with instruction by Miss Moneypenny to get off my arse and start dating again, three-year-long heartbreak/depression or no, I sent out 14 more messages. So far, no response, but we’ll give it another week or so before making preparations for ritual seppuku. Anyway, there is one profile that I have “hotlisted” but have yet to message out to, 'cause, well, she’s way out of my league, dating-wise, approachable-wise and other-wise. But, on the other hand, if I’m going to crash-and-burn I might as well go down firing all guns, I guess. Who knows; she might just be that special someone who will send me completely over the edge, never to return, and if I don’t try, I’ll never know.

So we’ve got her profile here; she’s a gorgeous (but not in the high-maintainence way) redhead, within the age range, et cetera. The profile doesn’t say all that much about her, really, but it does offer a couple of tidbits in common; specifically, her musical tastes run to “Ella” and “Billie” (that would be Fitzgerald and Holiday, for those of you out in TV land who don’t listen to anything not recorded in the last twenty years) and her “sexy/sexier” response is “Rain is sexy; A thunderstorm is sexier”. (I like rain.) Oh, and literarially-speaking, she’s a Dick fan. (That’s Philip K. Dick, you perverts…not Dick Nixon!)

I’m trying to draft some kind of intelligible, responseworthy, clever (or at least not dismissively apish) result based on those few items, something like:

Okay, this is incredibly lame stuff. I wouldn’t respond to it if I were an attractive redhead with hundreds of guys throwing themselves at my feet for the opportunity to have me walk across their back in 5 inch stiletto heels. So, what can I do to marginally improve my chances of not immediately being consigned to the electronic dustbin? The future of my romantic rejection and subsequent depressive episode lays in your hands, dear Dopers. At least let me go down with a big bang instead of a pathetic whimper. How would you initiate contact?

Stranger

2

Your messageboard posts reflect that you have a great sense of humor, but your message to this girl seems so serious and matter of fact by comparison. I’d say that if you can think of a good joke to make about one of those topics you mentioned in your email, you’d be all set. I know that for me, a good sense of humor makes any guy seem a lot more attractive.
Hope it goes well. :slight_smile:

3

Bingo on what lavenderviolet says about your humor. Dimwit on a Trolley? That’s great!

I’d reword what you said to try and make it more lighthearted. YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY.

In totally unrelated news, I just discovered a booger was hanging on the outside of my nose. If you manage to woo this chick into meeting you personally, you’ll want to make sure to check for that before you show up. :rolleyes:

4

Drop the thunderstorm bit – I don’t think it gives her anywhere to go, other than to ask you to explain how you’re twisted. Expand on the other two: what did you like about the book – prose, characterization, etc. Was there a passage you particularly liked, a description that rang true? Ditto Ella. Give her something to latch on to – “I read that one, too, and I never saw it that way.”

5

Hmmm…sometimes the (questionable) sense of humor tends to backfire. In the last multi-part communication I had with a potential date, I ended up making some kind of crack about being raised by addled squirrels or somesuch, and she just responded, “That’s weird. You’re a creep. Please don’t bother me again.”

Er…um…say there, I…uh…oh, never mind.

Okay, so I’m not John Cleese there with brilliant, off-the-wall humor, but I’m still not quite clear on what was so “creepy” about it. If I’d made some comment about wanting to see her panties on my bedroom floor, now, that might be creepy, or at least obnoxious and rude. If I’d suggested dripping wax on her sensitive parts, that would definitely be creepy. But a joke that just fell flat?

This happens all the time, though (or at least, the times when I try at it). You’ve seen Taxi Driver? The scene where Bickle is having coffee with Betsy, and keeps trying to entertain her, and completely missing the mark? There you go. I mean, I know better than to take a woman to a porn theater or make speculations about the color of her areoles, but I seem to miss the mark regularly when just trying to be personable.

So, humor seems to be kind of an irregular thing with me, at least in a venue in which I can’t review the statement before it flies out to the world. I know that foot-in-mouth disease is a common ailment suffered during first dates but I seem to suffer from it worse than most. :o

Stranger

6

Stranger, I think you just haven’t found the right kind of woman yet. Seriously! I think you are maybe a quirky humor person, but that’s cool. What a quirky funny person needs, though, is someone who thinks that’s neat, not weird. If it turns them off that fast, it’s probably not the person you belong with anyway.

I know this might sound like plattitudes, but I’m really serious about this. Finding someone who you mesh with and who appreciates your personality is so very important. If you have a quirky profile, look for women who do, too.

7

She sounds like she’s got her own BS going on. But hey, look at it this way – you don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t laugh at your jokes anyway, so you might as well set that bar early on.

My theory is – I am who I am, and if you can’t deal with it, fine, good luck finding someone who you can deal with. I have written my ads (and I have them up on four or five sites) to make it clear that I am very, very smart. No, I don’t list my IQ – but I talk about my interests, tastes, etc., in ways that make it clear. (What do I read? A lot of nonfiction. What do I listen to? A lot of African and Brazilian music. Where do I like to hang out? Museums.) Why should I bother weeding out the ones who want someone a little less, uh, challenging? Let them weed themselves out. So I have to laugh at the women who talk about being innundated with hundreds (or at least dozens) of responses – I get one or two a month. Maybe.

But enough about me – what do you think about me? :stuck_out_tongue:

8

Or, “What Scout1222 said.” :smiley:

9

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]

I’m trying to draft some kind of intelligible, responseworthy, clever (or at least not dismissively apish) result based on those few items, something like:

It’s a little dull, brief and you don’t sound excited to get to know her. You really do have a great sense of humour and I’m sure we can make it work for you here. Would you mind sharing more of her profile details? We need a better hook so we’ll need a few more details if possible.

10

Be yourself. And don’t let QuickSilver bogart your hotties.

My husband and I are both, um, quirky people (I told you about his Superman loungewear, right?). We laugh so much together it’s incredible. If I had tried to be somebody other than who I am, I wouldn’t have got someone who suits me so well.

11

Okay, here’s hoping you aren’t going to “bogart” my dream girl here. :smiley:

The problem is, anything I come up with that is personal seems too personal, any everything else seems banal and superficial. I’d just rather meet her in person so she could dismiss me immediately and I could go back to nursing my Jameson and thinking sour thoughts like how I’m so much better will all this free time to myself…:rolleyes:

Stranger

12

First of all, my compliments on your taste. She seems great and I certainly wouldn’t dream of “bogarting” your dream girl. :slight_smile:

So let’s get to work. I’m sure others will want to chime and I hope they do. We’ll get you laid yet Stranger. :wink:

For the hook (opening line that is); her mailbox is bound to be full of “hi babe”, or “hello gorgeous” or some unoriginal variation. Your email title has got to grab her and make her want to read what’s inside, otherwise, it’s the delete folder for you with the rest of 'em.

Don’t know 'bout you but some people remind me of songs. Cognitive resonnance, I guess? As I read her profile I was reminded of a little known song by Sting called “Windmills of your mind”. I suggest you look it up, download it, get familiar with the lyrics. It’s very good (IMO). In fact, it’s fucking brilliant if you ask me… But that’s just my lifetime obsession with the guy’s work talking… back to the hook… There is this bit of lyrics in the song:

Pictures hanging in a hallway
Or the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
but to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair?

Now, everybody is going to go with her hair color. Let’s face it, it’s an outstanding feature and it’s a bit silly to try to ignore it. What we need to try to do is compliment her on it with some originality.

So I suggest a couple of email titles:

  1. The fragment of a song… (then, in the email, go into how some people remind you of music/pictures/something… ) Plus, if you share the above lyrics in you email, the “When you new that it was over…” bit is sure to appeal to her romantic nature. What woman, even when a relationship is over, doesn’t want to believe that she’ll be the one that the guy always thinks of as The One Who Got Away every time he sees an autumn leaf.
    OR
  2. Windmills of my mind… (Yeah, it’s the title of the song but it’s got nice imagery and you can elaborate further within the text…)
    Think about this for now… I’ve got to run and I don’t want to short change you. I’ll add more later in the day. Sorry for cutting it short. In the meantime, you’ve got homework to do. :slight_smile: BTW, I reserve the right to change the above approach so don’t get too attached to it. :stuck_out_tongue:

-QS

13

Can you just keep it simple, and tell her you think she sounds great, and refer her to your profile?

(Sorry, QuickSilver - I take back my unkind aspersion about your hottie bogarting.)

14

[QUOTE=featherlou]
Can you just keep it simple, and tell her you think she sounds great, and refer her to your profile?[/quick]

It’s simple like that if you look like Johnny Depp. Most of us aren’t that fortunate and have to work a little harder.

No offense taken. :slight_smile:

15

Would that work, or would such an approach get lost in the no doubt enormous tide of solicitations the young lady in question receives? What is the usual or most successful approach? My “draft three personalized paragraphs of questions and information” doesn’t seem to be a draw, but on the other hand it’s not as if the ladies are looking at my profile and thinking, “I’d give my 3rd season *Sex In The City[/i ]DVD set ofto have his babies”, either. I’m at a loss as exactly how to make an approach.

It’s all just fun and games until someone gets an eye put out. :smiley:

Stranger

16

Her reference to the Odyssey jumped off the page at me. She seems to locate herself firmly in contemporary culture, so this is a real outlier. Run with it. The Odyssey is rich with useful themes that can bind together a first email in a clever, un-pretentious way. If she’s on the level, she’ll get it.

This is how I roped in the girl I will marry in June from an internet personals ad.

When she is scanning subject headers to weed out the rabble, do you think she will pass up reading an email titled something like:

“Sing, Muse, of a …”

Homer asks the Muse to sing of a dangerously cunning man, but surely you can make her the subject of the Muse’s song.

I wouldn’t bother referring her to your profile. If give her reason to be interested, she’ll look. Every male who petitions her will tell her how fascinated he is in what she likes. I doubt she will find these entreaties credible. Rather than claiming you are interested, immediately start a dialogue about these interests in a way that is neither pedantic nor threatening. It shows that you are witty, which you clearly are, and that you have taken the time not only to reflect on her interests but to interact with them on a higher level than saying. “yeah, I read that, too.”

Good luck, bro. I was nursing my Black Bush and pickling myself in melancholy until a friend twisted my arm into trying an internet personals ad. What a long, strange trip it’s been since then.

Anyone can be bold, brave, and resolute over the internet. I think that you can probably pull it off with panache.

17

Okay… I gave this some thought but I’m at work and I’ll try to be brief and to the point. Stranger, if I was composing a first email to her I’d try to pick something related to the squirel story, her furniture buying habit, Napoli (why she doesn’t like it) what she describes as The One. Do you have amusing personal annecdotes that relate to these subjects?

Okay, this is just what I’d write… YMMV… feel free to dismiss my approach altogether… italics is stuff I’ve pulled out from her profile verbatum… ('nuff disclaimers?)

Eh. It’s a first cut. Not my best work. She didn’t give much to go on. What do you think?

18

Blah! :smack:

I immediately want to throw up over half that pile of crap I just composed. Not my best work? It’s not even on the same fucking planet. Clearly I’m out of practice. But I used to be good at this. I swear. Ask my gf. We met on line.
Okay, keep the 1-13 but I strongly advise you to purge the rest, with extreme prejudice.

Do you want me to try again?

This’ll haunt me all weekend long… :frowning:

I’m liking Maeglin’s approach. Go with that.

19

Nice; I like. I’ll try and do something with this. But I need to bone up on my Homer. Hmmm…how fast can I read through 200 pages of verse? :eek:

Ah, a fellow Irish whisky enthusiast! Now I know I can trust you! :smiley:

Danke schön and good luck to you as well in your upcoming nuptials.

Stranger

20

Old school here:

I think you’re better off admitting that you know the verse is Homer, but your vaguely familiar with the entire work, but you would like to spend some time with her brushing up on it.

Never come off liking everything that she described that she liked, just the ones you know you like and claim that you don’t know enough about the other things, but your willing to experience them.

Always, always, always be humorous within your own boundaries…don’t guess what her boundaries are. In the long run, a soul mate that can give and take that humor is more likely to meet up with you…the one that called you a creep when you joked about being raised by squirrels was a hard ass…you would have hated to be around her if you can’t be yourself, AND you would have wasted time and effort on something that would not have worked.

Don’t tell her that you despise pigeons…yet.