I have profiles on a few singles dating sites. I don’t get a lot of responses to them; however, when I do, about half of them say something like the following:
“Hi! I"d like to start a conversation. Please read my profile and tell me what you think.”
Now, I understand that these people mean well; however, I don’t think I would ever respond to such a message. It indicates a certain level of rudeness and a great deal of laziness. It amounts to saying, “I want us to talk, but I want you to do the hard work of getting the ball rolling. So please read my profile and decide what we should talk about.”
Is this making too much of nothing? I don’t think so. Common sense and decorum dictate that if you want to start a conversation, you do so in a normal manner. Find something to talk about, instead of expecting the other person to do the work for you.
When I brought this up on a singles discussion board though, half a dozen people responded by saying, “There’s nothing rude about it! It’s just a way of saying hello!” I find that baffling. Is that how they say hello in the real world? “Hi. I’d like to talk. Why don’t you find something that we can discuss?”
A few people said, “I don’t want to type out a lengthy message, only to get shot down! It’s much simpler to just ask people to read my profile instead.” I understand that they don’t want to waste time, but really… you don’t need a lengthy message. Just get the conversation started, instead of asking the other person to do the work for you.
Ooh. That’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that.
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, discussing this issue. She agreed that it’s not a classy way to initiate contact, but that she wouldn’t react as negatively as I do. She said, “In today’s Internet age, a lot of people dispense with the social niceties as they communicate.”
I do see her point, and that’s probably at the core of my objections. I know that I’d respond more positively to someone who said, “Hi. I read your profile, and I think we have a lot in common. Would you consider reading my profile, too? Perhaps you’d agree.” That comes across a lot better than just saying, “Hi! I’d like for us to chat. Please read my profile and tell me what you think.”
I delete those messages off the bat. The least they could do is respond to something in my profile. A simple “I like Regina Spektor too!” would suffice. It doesn’t have to be a novel, but any kind of message indicating you’ve looked beyond my age and my ethnicity would be nice.
Perhaps it’s an internet dating practice that’s generated by a much older concept: “whoever cares less, wins.”
On the other hand, considering that we’ve had several threads here lamenting the “yo, hit me up” culture available online, bear in mind that message-boarding people such as yourself tend to be better at expressing themselves in writing than the average person. Cut them some slack - they’re probably still smarting from the effort it took to write those profiles.
Y’know, when I raised this issue on the aforementioned single site, several responded by saying, “Women don’t want to be the aggressors! Of course, men should start the conversation. For women, it’s perfectly okay for them to ask a man to read their profile.”
Part of me wants to be sympathetic, but still… I think that’s ridiculous. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. As you said, HazelNutCoffee, the least you can do is say, “Hey, I like <fill-in-the-blank> too.” It really isn’t that hard. Why make the other person fish search through your profile for something you can discuss?
It seems like they’re just saying, “Hey, I like your profile, why don’t you check mine out?” Although I agree with HazleNut, the message should make it clear that they at least read your profile, and it’s not a mass message.
I would liken it to submitting it a cover letter and resume. (I know, I know. Some people are offended by this analogy. Still, I think it’s an accurate one.) No sensible person would submit a cover letter that says, “Why don’t you read my resume and tell me what you think?” Rather, a smart job applicant would say something which suggests that he/she knows something about the company and feels that he/she might be a good match.
“Hi! I"d like to start a conversation. Please read my profile and tell me what you think.”
Sounds like a spammed response to anyone who has the genital requirements the sender seeks. I concur with the OP-lazy. If there’s a hint that the sender actually read the ad and indicated in one sentence why they responded to you, it would be a massive improvement.
To extend your resume analogy, there are people who send out hundreds of resumes to all kinds of job opportunities and actually get a job this way, by the law of large numbers. At some point, someone might be interested in their background and be looking for their skills.
For other people, they’re very targeted and only send resume to companies they’re interested in. Sometimes that limits their opportunities to try new things and have different career fields put in front of them.
Applying this back to online dating, I think some people cast their net pretty wide just looking for any interest or activity and they’ll sort out whether they like you at the first date. And there are some people who only target people they specifically like. Both probably work.
I’m not sure why this bugs you. When you get a message, doesn’t it have their picture? Generally, if someone doesn’t like someone else’s picture, it’s generally a no-go right off the bat. And I think this applies even more so for men (just my observation). So if you don’t like their picture, you don’t even have to open the profile. Just send a message back saying it’s not a good match. Or just ignore it.
I think it’s both courtesy and strategy… or rather, a lack thereof. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Why a lack of courtesy? Because the sender is asking the recipient to read his profile and then get the conversation rolling. That’s not very civil, and as others have implied in this thread, it’s also darned annoying. If you feel that you have something in common, then you should be able to bring that up. Don’t ask the other person to review your profile and then come up with something that you can discuss.
Also, as Annie said, it’s lazy. It’s equivalent to saying, “I don’t feel like typing up something that we can talk about, but I’m hoping that you will do so.” That’s a copout, which makes it inconsiderate. Obviously, something caught your eye, so why shouldn’t you be the one to bring it up?
That’s beside the point. First, not all profiles have photos. Second, nobody’s denying that you CAN read the other person’s profile or view their photos (if available). That’s not what I was talking about, nor is it was the other posters in this thread were lamenting.
That’s how you and they are interpreting it. That might not be how it’s intended.
If you sent back a message saying, what about my profile prompted this message? Then you can put the ball back in their court.
It’s not necessary to try to find common ground with them if you choose not to.
Since you brought up other posters and lamenting (although I didn’t understand that last sentence), I just realized that we’re in MPSIMS and you might just be seeking validation and support about this. If so, I’ll back out now. Obviously, I don’t agree with your opinion.
I just find “read my profile!” messages kind of pointless. I mean, if it works for them, great. For me it means one of two things: a) they didn’t bother to look past my age/ethnicity/vagina, or b) they are so supremely confident in themselves that they figure I’ll just take a look at their pic and swoon. Neither attitude interests me, so I just delete such messages and move on.
I went to a dating website and didn’t post a picture or my ethnicity or anything else that was revealing of who I was. I didn’t even put up a profile. And there were several people who sent the equivalent of winks/smiles or whatever they are for that particular website. I’m guessing that they were just checking for interest.
Absolutely. Admittedly, it’s possible that they did indeed find something in your profile that they liked. If that’s the case though, why not say so? You don’t need any great degree of eloquence to accomplish that feat.
Now, some would say “Well, maybe you’d be a great match! You should read their profile anyway.” I certainly don’t deny that it’s possible; however, offering such a generic introduction – one that places the onus on the recipient to dig further – does not leave a good impression. Few people would tolerate such tactics in the real world, so why use them online?
If the sender doesn’t offer any point of discussion, then where else should the topic come from? Will a discussion topic magically appear out of thin air?
If somebody asks you to “tell me what you think” about his/her profile, then she is obviously asking you to say something that’s worthy of discussion. After all, simply saying “I like it” doesn’t further the dialogue at all.
Of course you can. Nobody has said otherwise. As I already stated earlier, nobody denies that you can still read the person’s profile.
The point is that the recipient shouldn’t have to be the one to figure out what you can talk about. If there’s something that you liked about somebody’s profile, then say so. Anybody can do that.
Again, that’s irrelevant to the topic at hand. Nobody here is saying – or even remotely hinting – that anyone is obligated to scrounge around for some scrap of common ground. Rather, the point (which has been repeatedly made) is that the contactee shouldn’t be the one who has to fish around for a topic of discussion.
Obviously, I can’t stop you from interpreting things as you so choose. In your own words though, "That’s how you… are interpreting it. That might not be how it’s intended. "
In all fairness to the senders of these messages, sometimes the messages may be probing to see if the recipient can even receive and/or send messages. A few years back, I was active on a singles site, which at that time allowed people to send messages without paying – but they had to pay up to read messages they received. I have no idea how many of my messages were never looked at vs. read but never replied to. (But I dimly recall that my initial response rate was under 10%, no precise figures available.)
The funny thind my bro says about online dating services is that you dont know what the person is like. I have personally seen some of the profiles what does weight matter ok if you r a runner and lead an active life ok. He has replied to several that intrested him some dicruptions are verry vage MUST LIKE ROCK MUSIC what do you concider rock music both my bros like what they call rock music younger likes metallica robzombi etc…
older one likes what I call def metal but calls it rock def metal as in a bunch of banging on drums and a man growling obcintys into a mic like wer’e alll gona die etc and plus How many of these "People’ are real most seem real enough until they send you spam mail
Like F/usa how do u like my pics visit my website Yuck hes out there trtying to make a conection yet there are these “Girls” trying to make money i call them the internet superhighway street walkers
Speaking as a man who used* to put a lot of effort into online dating websites, I think you are underestimating how soul-crushingly depressing it is to actually put time and effort into sending out introductory emails and not getting a response at all. I see a profile who looks like a really good match for me, I spend 15 or 20 minutes writing up a really personalized clever witty charming (and, it goes without saying, impeccably spelled) email, send it off, and… nothing. You just can’t keep doing that over and over and over again without it starting to seem like a frustrating waste of effort.
I also put a lot of effort into my profile, and I think it gives a pretty clear idea of who I am, (for better or for worse). If someone looks at my profile, they’ll probably know pretty quickly whether I’m their type.
Thus, I view an email of that sort (although I think even at my tersest, I always had a few additional sentences about something from their profile) as a pre-conversation, not as an attempt to start a conversation.
I mean, assuming their email has a link to their profile, you can look at it and probably decide within 15 seconds if you have any interest. And if you do, but worry that they’re a cad who can’t start a conversation, send an email back saying “I might be interested. So…”, clearly leaving the conversational ball in their court.
Think of that first email not so much as an introduction but as a logistical hurdle.
*Until I met my super-awesome Doper girlfriend, that is, in case anyone reading this thread happens to be my super-awesome Doper girlfriend.
