I’ve always wanted to write and perform a comedy radio play. But each time I’ve tried to sit down and actually do it, I fail to achieve anything of worth.
It’s not easy.
And even if you manage to write something, there’s still the complicated issue of actually getting it performed and broadcast… definitely not easy at all.
“Don’t be a fat whore”? Who is the intended audience for this? That borderline offended me*, and I’m neither fat nor female.
The dialogue is among the worst I’ve ever heard (/read), but at the same time, it’s only about a quarter step below what I’m hearing in a lot of movies and tv shows these days. It’s about on par with the dialogue in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, and that had a theatrical run.
From what I read (in this thread) of the plot, it sounds kind of cool. Get someone else to write the dialogue though. It’s truly awful. Sorry. I applaud your drive, though. A 13-episode arc with 3 written is not easy when you’re working all alone, from scratch. Keep plugging away but accept the criticism you’re getting, because it’s valid.
*Because there was no redeeming humor. You can get away with a lot if you’re funny. This isn’t funny. And that scene should’ve ended after the line: “what are you eating?” and gone straight into “dude, you ate her dog.”
Actually, having it performed wouldn’t be a problem. I have many friends experienced with acting to just a microphone. But broadcasting would certainly be an obstacle.
I’m not actually sure if there’s anywhere you could get it broadcast besides either ABC or an obscure community station that almost no-one listens to.
Shame, really, because Radio Comedy can be absolutely brilliant, but in this country almost no-one gets to hear it.
Thanks, everyone. Lots to respond to - when I have some free time (i.e., when I’m at work) I’ll get back to this thread.
fair enough. i’ll try this again sober.
Problems:
-Bad timing. In the first episode, the first 4 pages of your script concentrate on a not-especially funny bit about modified swearing. then it takes another 2 setting up the fact that he has a gun. 5 more pages go by before you reveal why. All the while, they’re sitting at the same table. In screenwriting, the rule of thumb is a page/minute. So, you’ve got 8-10 minutes (half an 30 min episode) of 2 guys sitting at a table just talking to each other, and most of it nonessential to the central plot. You’re essentially writing a play. There is more of the same in the other episodes of too-long chunks of banter that doesn’t drive your story forward and just essentially wastes time.
-The 1st episode runs for 37 pages, which is too long for a half-hour show and just shy of an hour-long program. The second episode runs for 50 pages, and the 3rd episode runs for 53 pages which is too long for TV in general. IMO, it’s probably best to pare the 3 scripts down to 2 half-hour scripts or one succinct full hour script. But if this is 3/13, i think you’ve only got enough material for 5, maybe 6 hour-long episodes.
-Unbelievable: the waiter making a tupac quip after having a gun pulled on him, Bob in pajamas, the gun constantly firing in the hotel room, the drug robbery, mistaking a dog for a chicken, meeting with the mobsters, the wrestler’s choice of words (i realize the irony), canned pork brains … it’s all very distracting.
-too much dialogue. there’s dialogue that doesn’t make sense. there’s dialogue that doesn’t contribute. there’s even dialogue in fight scenes. the old adage “show, don’t tell” would work wonders on your writing.
anyway, i didn’t find your scripts particularly funny. the humor is kind of meta, skewing irreverence best evidenced by the not-so-subtle digs at the establishment like Hollywood, Cheney, and reality TV. I think it’s an awful fit for TV, even HBO or showtime. There are other forms of media that it would be better received - (web)comic, novel, etc.
This in a post where you are advising someone else on how to write well?
Here is a link that I thought would interest you - Karl Schoeder is Science Fiction Writer in Residence with the Toronto Public Library, and his blog about the craft of writing has been up and running for a little over a month now. He’s a writer of novels, not screenplays and he writes in a different genre, but I’ve been finding his blog extremely helpful.
That’s a nitpick. Pancakes made some good points.
I’ll be honest, you lost me when the character had a gun and showed it to the waiter, and screaming/panic didn’t result. Sorry.
I tried reading but couldn’t get past “19 year old lesbian poet.”
Hey ian, Thanks for the tips! When I said I was trying to be commercial, I only meant I’d written it specifically as a TV show, so I basically wrote for the format. But it seems obvious from this thread that my idea of “commercial” doesn’t fit with most people’s anyway. Question for you and don’t ask: Was there a reason you didn’t try to pursue comedy writing as a full-time career? It seems like (in America, anyway), once you’ve got a credit or two, it’s much easier to get work.
Cisco, that’s an in-joke between me and a (self-described) feminist friend of mine - whenever she doesn’t want to go along with something, that’s my response. I basically threw it in for her. Definitely not anything I’m married to.
pancakes3, that’s more like it. I know what you mean with the unbelievability, but that’s kind of the point. I see the humor more along the lines of “Get A Life” than anything reality-based - not going for an “Everybody Loves Raymond” (as an example) vibe, for sure.
Le Ministre de l’au-delà, Thanks for the link. I live in San Francisco (well, Oakland), so there’s one right in my backyard. And I’ll read your second link, as well - now that I’m actively writing, I find others’ thoughts on the process fascinating.
I find this all (or most of it) very informative. As I said, these are basically first drafts, so tear them apart all you want. None of this is damaging my ego in the least (of course, it helps as well that some people whose sense of humor I’m familiar with IRL enjoyed them).
As I mentioned before, my brief if moderately successful flirtation with the comedy industry was just a part of my student days. At the time, it didn’t seem like a viable prospect for any sort of long-term career. When I graduated I went and got a ‘proper’ job.
These days the reason I don’t do anything remotely like it is because I know how to make a lot more money from writing, with a lot less effort and hassle. So this is what I do.
Incidentally, I live in the UK where there isn’t the same potential for developing a career as a writer for hire in TV and/or movie industry. We do have our own homegrown sitcoms and comedy shows, of course, but we don’t have the same ‘system’ that applies to most American TV sitcoms. Over there, sitcoms tend to be written by a hired team of writers, who can come up with the 22 episodes (or whatever it is) needed per season. Over here, sitcoms tend to be the work of one person, or maybe a team of two writers, and shows are only produced in batches of six episodes per series.
I did know a professional comedy writer based in LA. She was working on a successful sitcom at the time (this was back in 1998). She said it was a very difficult life. First of all, even though she was good, with an established track record and good contacts, she still found it hard to get work. She had to chase dozens of opportunities all the time, just in the hope of landing one gig. She never knew if she had actually got a job until the very last minute, so it was hard to plan ahead. Contracts were very tight and demanding, and even good and talented writers could be dropped from the team seemingly arbitrarily, with very little notice. And at the end of all that, the pay was good but it wasn’t that good, and the hours could be very long and very tedious. That’s what she told me, any way.
Well, I must say I did, overall, enjoy it. Some good gags. I like that they’re assholes, I like the semi-gratuitious swearing, I like the zombies thing. I did not like the first 1/2 of the first ep, found it to drag and not make sense (pulling a gun on the waiter). I did like the 2nd half with the drug deal gone wrong and the zombie squirrels. Liked the hitman thing, liked Klaus a lot. Some of the gags had me lauging out loud, but the writing seemed a little ‘stilted’ - like it’s trying too hard. I think that more of an effort needs to be made that this is taking place in an alternate reality - like ‘The Mighty Boosh’. Kinda reminded me of ‘The Mighty Boosh’ crossed with the movie ‘Idle Hands’ (which I also love).
Keep up the good work, I’d really like to read any revisions/polished versions!
Also, beware: I know nothing about script writing and I pretty much cannot stand network sitcoms.
ian, very interesting. Thanks!
Nunavut Boy, thanks, as well. Based on your post (well, and the others who claim they couldn’t get past the first page), I think I’ll rewrite the whole first part of episode 1 - take it out of the bar completely, and find a new way to introduce the gun. That beginning was always weak - just getting started is the hardest part of writing for me, so I kind of just did it and didn’t worry too much about if it was up to par or not.
ETA: Also, I’m ashamed to admit I’ve never seen “The Might Boosh”, either (though I have heard of it - a couple friends rave about it). I’ll have to check it out. And maybe when I go to rewrite all this I’ll try to cut it down to six episodes and try to pitch it to British TV, since it sounds like it’s more in tune with their sitcoms.
Just bear in mind that when people in the UK think “Comedy with Zombies”, they’re going to be thinking of something like Shaun Of The Dead, which is a tough act to follow. 
Yeah, there are many ways I’ve screwed myself by going with the zombie genre - too many good works to be compared to.
Personally- and I stress this is purely my personal opinion- the whole “Zombie” thing is waaaay overdone and over-exposed in pop culture. It works in an “internet discussion board thing” (“Where will you be when the Zombie Apocalypse comes?”) and in a silly, camp B-grade Plan Nine From Outer Space kind of way, but the idea of Zombie slackers has A) Already been done (see: Shaun of the Dead) and B) There’s a lot of “Zombies in weird genres” stuff about at the moment, too (Notably Pride & Prejudice & Zombies and Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter) so the idea of “Zombie slackers” is rapidly going to appear dated and bandwagon-y, IMHO.
No, he said comedy with zombies.