Sorry for the misleading title, but the last time I posted this it only got two replies (and one of those was mine!). So I figured if I tried a title that was slightly more… errrmmm… provocative, I might be able to actually get some feedback this time around. (And maybe even a tip from Wally, The Lord King God of MPSIMS humor) Anyway, as I said last time, it’s a bit long and it needs a second draft. Which is why some advice would be much appreciated.
THE LONER VS. SHOWBIZ
*Loner enters stage left.*
**Narrator:** Once upon a dark and dreary night, our hero the loner was walking solemnly down a vacant stretch of highway. With desert all around him, he was beginning to wonder if he would ever make it.
**Loner:** I wonder if I will ever make it.
**Narrator:** Just then, a car came from out of nowhere, taking our hero by surprise!
**Loner:** Gasp!
**Narrator:** But still he remained vigilant.
*Loner strikes a vigilant pose.*
**Narrator:** But still slightly frightened.
**Loner:** Would you make up your mind?
**Narrator:** Sorry, just trying to make it sound cool.
**Loner:** Well it's not working!
**Narrator:** Sorry, it won't happen again.
**Loner:** It'd better not, or I'll have you outta here quicker than you can snap your fingers!
**Narrator:** I assure you it won't.
**Loner:** Good, continue.
**Narrator:** Ummmm…..
**Loner:** What now?
**Narrator:** I forgot where I left off.
*Loner mutters several curses*
**Narrator:** Oh right! Here it is. But still slightly frightened.
**Loner:** Oh for Pete's sake!
**Narrator:** What'd I do now?
**Loner:** Did you hear anything I just said?
**Narrator:** Uh, yeah.
**Loner:** What did I say then?
**Narrator:** Oh for pete's sake!
**Loner:** Before that!
**Narrator:** Umm, I don't think I should say that in a children's comic book…
*Loner lets out something between a howl and a scream*
**Loner:** Who stuck me with this jerk?!
**Director:** Is there a problem?
**Loner:** Is that the director?
**Director:** Yup.
**Loner:** Where have you been!? This man has been absolutely butchering the script! Not that it was very good to begin with...
**Director:** Oh, sorry. I was having lunch with your agent.
**Agent:** Hey babe! Lookin' good!
**Loner:** We need to talk. I am THE one-and-only Winford Willis! An actor! And this material stinks!
**Agent:** I know, babe. Me and the director were just talking about exactly that. And we've come to the same conclusion. The material is absolutely horrible. Starting tomorrow your costume will be made of the purest silk. You like that, babe?
**THE one-and-only Winford Willis:** Costume?! You want ME to wear a costume?! ME?! THE one-and-only Loner?!
**Director:** I thought you were "THE one-and-only Winford Willis"?
**THE one-and-only Winford Willis/THE -one-and-only Loner:** Same difference! Now listen, I've been working in this-
**driver:** Umm, how long do I have to sit here? I've got a spot in the Speed Racer comic in ten minutes.
**Director:** Just a minute Driver, this won't take long.
**THE one-and-only Winford Willis/THE one-and-only Loner:** I beg to differ!
**driver:** Hey! Why does everyone else get capitalized names except for me? And do you actually think "driver" is my name? I sound like a golf club!
**Agent:** Actually, babe, we really do need to speed this up…
**Director:** Oh, I'm sorry, what is your name… Mr. errrrr Driver person?
**THE one-and-only Winford Willis/THE one-and-only Loner:**Would you PLEASE tell the Narrator to give it a rest!? Wiford Willis or The Loner will suffice. Hey wait a sec, did I hear you say speed?
**Mr. errrrr Driver person:** I am THE Driver, thank you very much!
**Agent:** Can we talk about this later Winford Loner Willis?
**Director:** Okay...
**Narrator:** Sorry, I'm just trying to keep up.
**Wilford Willis or The Loner:** Please, don't use my middle name in that context.
**THE Driver:** That's better...
**Agent:** Your middle name is Loner?
**Director:** I am SO lost right now.
**Narrator:** You and me both.
**Wilford Willis or The:** My parents were... odd...
**THE Driver:** Although I don't need the whole thing to be in Caps, The Driver will do.
**Agent:** Hmm, certainly does explain a few things.
**Director:** I'm starting to have second thoughts about this comic...
**Narrator:** Poppycock!
**In Unison:** Poppycock?!
**Narrator:** Sorry, I had to say something. I was starting to feel left out.
**Director:** That's it. This is too much. You're all fired!
*The stage is engulfed in flames, reducing The Driver and Wilford Willis or The to smoking cinders*
**Director:** Much better. How do you feel about getting a second lunch? I'm
getting a bit peckish myself.
**Agent:** Sounds good. Sushi?
**Director:** Beautiful. Shall we?
**Agent:** We shall.
*The Agent and the Director depart.*
**Narrator:** Ahh, alone at last. Now to do with this script what I've always
wanted to do. Fantasia style!
*The curtain drops as the stage is filled with pigs in pink tutus.*
**THE END**
Btw, I’d just like to thank Rilchiam (the only person other than me to reply) for the suggestion about bold-facing the titles.
Twenty-two people have viewed this thread, and not a one has given any feedback. You people are the reason communism doesn’t work. The rest of you are cool though. As long as you aren’t a republican…
My supervisor is a huge Linux fan, so you suckered me in here with your title. (I thought there might be a practical joke I could play on her giant stuff Linux penguin.) So strike one on you.
Then you guilt trip me into reading a meandering dialogue with no obvious point. If it’s meant as humor, you need a lot more than a second draft. If it’s not, what the hell is it meant for? That’s strike two.
In a perfect world, there would be a strike three for me to finish my analogy. Dammit. Oh, wait, I know. You mention this elusive Wally. I take a short hiatus from reading this board, then when I come back, everyone’s raving about “Wally”. They call him a god, but the only examples they provide are a handful of sig lines that don’t even make any sense. So I feel left out and you’ve wasted 20 minutes of my employer’s time. You bastard!
I sort of thought the very point of a message board was to waste time. I can see that the over all opinion of this navel gazer isn’t good. That’s the last time I write on drugs. Oh well, I guess it’s back to writing Penthouse Letters for me.
Don’t listen to the overinflated naysayers, FreakFreely. It would make great theatre with a screen to project the names of the characters onto while they’re speaking. You have a fabulous ear for dialogue. Have you ever tried writing a play for the stage? You certainly should.
Why thank you Lotus. I have considered it, perhaps sometime in the future when these letters pay off. I was also thinking of taking out the interaction between the agent and director, and just turning it into a serial of adventures starring The Loner and his sidekick The Narrator, whom no one else can see or hear except for The Loner and the audience. That, and The Loner despises The Narrator.
That sounds so funny!
I should probably mention that I have 12 years of training in the theatre under my belt, so I know good scriptwriting when I see it. So those are my credentials. Just so you know I’m not just a shmo talking out of my arse.
Think small. Ask your friends. At all my shows, the sound guy was my friend Ian (who, luckily for me, is an excellent sound tech), the stage manager was my friend Phil, and the lighting was my friend Esther. They work for peanuts (as in; a cut of the door), they are easy to work with, and they won’t dick around because they care whether they let you down or not.
If you don’t know any theatre people, get out there and find them. Join a community theatre troupe or a writer’s circle. Attend art benefits and auctions. Take dance classes. Go to concerts by small local bands and plays by local theatre groups. Immerse yourself in the arts community, and you’ll make lots of important contacts.
In my rinky-dink hometown of Peterborough, there are at least three cheap, very serviceable theatre spaces where it is easy to arrange rehearsal and performance space. If you can find the ones in your town, you are set!
I would also recommend workshopping your script with a group of actors - experimenting with different set designs and different treatments for the script, and allowing the actors to have input. This works spectacularly well and builds unity among the cast.
This is all taken from my personal experience; yours may be very different. I live in a University town with a thriving underground arts community. If your town isn’t so lucky, email me if you’re having trouble tracking down the artists and I can suggest some resources for finding them.
All right, so I was being a little harsh. I got steamed by the guilt trip, which for some reason I took personally. You do have a point about the reason for this board being to waste time. Still, I could stare at the wall if I wanted. I expect some small return on the time I invest here. Anyway, your thought to stay away from drugs when writing is perhaps good, but it may be that you actually need more. Good luck with your second draft. It seems you’ve picked up at least one fan.
Hey Freak, I thought it was funny! Although it was hard to figure out how to feedback without knowing where this was going (comic book, play, movie script, etc.). Anyway I liked it.
I agree with Lotus. I am in a small town theatre group as well, and we are ALWAYS looking for original productions. Don’t be shy about presenting it to your town’s theatre group, they will be happy to see any suggestions, trust me!
A lot of other things I would have said have already been mentioned by Lotus … so I won’t repeat them … just ditto, I guess. Good luck and keep us posted on how it’s all going!
i can’t beleive I just took the time to read that!!! My head hurts. I dont know what sweet lotus is talking about with you being a good writer. The meandering dialog was alright but the essential plot was pointless and not really funny. Please stick to penthouse letters because I’d probly find it more funny in that sort of context.
hey! maybe you can mix the subject of sex with your ‘gift’ of dialog writing THEN it would be funny
ps: dont mind me, I’m moody. this is my last day of sex…grumble…grumble…
Ummm, so first I was gonna burn it. Then I was going to put it in a plaque. Then I was going to burn it. Now, after the mixed feedback, I’m not even sure what the hell to do with this… this… thing. So I’m thinking I’ll just stash it somewhere on my hard drive and hope it doesn’t infect the rest of my stuff. Does anyone have some holy water?
I’m a little confused. I didn’t read it too thoroughly, I just sort of skimmed it so I apologize if I missed something, but there seem to be a few references to the script which one could only get by reading it. e.g. the references to capitalized names. How would you show this in a live performance?
Anyway, besides that, I don’t think it worked for me. Not saying it doesn’t have potential, but I think you have to take it MUCH further, make more things happen. Everything in here has been done before. It’s just not that original. I would like to see some surrealism. Make something really bizarre happen and then run with it. Make the story end up some place entirely different from where it began. And I’d throw in some personal jokes about the characters, make them more interesting.
DISCLAIMER: I just realized I should probably mention that this was my first time writing in script format. And it’s not nearly as easy as the other kind, where you have descriptions and such. But I had a friend of mine tell me that my dialogue in my stories sucked ass, so I decided to try writing in script format, to get a clear view of the dialogue itself. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have any ideas for a script so I just took a (rather dumb) idea and ran with it. Usually when I’m doing that literary equivelant of doodling it ends up as an attempt at comedy. I don’t usually do comedy because I’m not that funny. So once that… that… thing was done, I posted it because I hoped I could get some opinions and maybe even some pointers. Because my dialogue really does suck.
Btw, thanks to Moe for telling me how it might be better, instead of just telling me it sucks, which I already know. And why it sucks, which doesn’t help at all.
I never said it sucked. I just thought it was a little stupid.
But, I’m a terrible judge of this type of stuff anyway. I’ve never been one for the “artsy-fartsy,” performance art type stuff. I don’t like “thespians” in person. Actors/resses are much less pretentious.