Crude but funny things said in your household

I have a cousin, now 42, who when he was a little kid, sang a TV commercial jingle with some slightly different lyrics:
What comes out my A-S-S?
Gross, huh? I didn’t eat chocolate for a little while after he sang that–but I still think it’s funny, though I wouldn’t sing it to Nestle.

Mr. Rilch likes to list all the ingredients for tomato gravy, so he can finish by saying “A couple of plump juicy tomatoes” as he tweaks my boobs. Once he did that in front of his mom and she was scandalized. Of course, we were in (the late lamented) Lucky at the time…

Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green

I lift weights and after a leg workout (which usually involves your ass muscles) I’m usually heard to exclaim,


everytime I bend over, climb stairs, etc. The girlfriend gets a big kick out of it.

“My hovercraft is full of eels.”

My great grandmother, a woman so proper none of us had ever seen her without ** gloves ** on, would hand you back a cup of tea, if it was not strong enough to suit her, and say, “No, no, my dear, I could pee stronger that that.”

I know that isn’t all that shocking, in a twenty-first century frame of reference, but this woman wouldn’t have admitted Ms. Manners into her home. (“After all, one cannot consort with journalists, or other disreputables.”)


Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
–**Poncho Villa ** - last words

Whenever I would sigh and say “If . . .”
my grandmother would shoot back, “Well, if your aunt woulda had balls, she would have been your uncle.” Don’t know where the hell she got that, but she said it for years.