How is a man like a linoleum floor?
Lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it for years to come.
/hijack
I just can’t let this affront to manhood go unchallenged
*A true believer after a long life of doing good works, is finally ready to have some relaxation. He’d heard that Hawaii was nice but he was scared to fly, so he decides to ask God. He looks heavenward and say “Lord, I’ve done much in your name, I’ve fed the hungry, adminstered to the sicj, and have spread yur word every where I’ve gone, now I was wondering if I might have a prayer answered” After a few minutes from the sky he hears.
** Yes my faithful servant, I shall grant you a request**
The man says “God, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly, I was wondering if You could build a bridge from here to Hawaii for me.” After a slight pause.
** You know that Im all powerful, but have you thought about the logistics to make a sufficiently long bridge stong enough to go from there to Hawaii? Maybe you should think about it and come back to me tommorrow with something else**
The man thinks about it overnight and by the morning knows what he’d like. “Lord, Ive never been really succesful with women, I think it’s because I just don’t understand them. Can You give me understanding of women?” After a slightly longer pause:
"About that bridge you asked for, were you thinking 2 or 4 lanes?
If I’m not mistaken you can get a t-shirt with that on it from Wireless or Signals. Wooohooo!
I read this about three or four times before I understood it. I kept thinking, “What on earth is a man-nailing Jello?”
(Think “man-eating shark” and you’ll see why I was confused.)
Did you hear about the baby that was born with both male and female organs?
It had a both a penis and a brain.
A man had suffered a serious accident and was in the hospital near death. The physician came out to speak with the family.
“In order to save Bob, we are going to have to give him a brain transplant. It’s a serious operation, but it can be done. For $10,000 we can implant a male brain. For $6,000, we can implant a female brain.”
The men in the group, hearing this, start to snicker and laugh. One of the women in the group finally asks the doctor, “Why does the female brain cost less than the male brain?”
The doctor replied, “We have to give you a discount on the female brain, because it has been used.”
Hey, I’ve been putting up with the blonde jokes for years 
Eve is conviced that Adam has been fooling around on her, and confronts him one night about it.
“But Dear”, he explains, I only have eyes for you. I want no other, and besides, you are the only woman on earth!"
She finally calms down, and they go to bed.
Suddenly, Adam wakes in the middle of the night to a painful jab, then another. He finds that Eve is poking him. “What are you doing?” he shouts.
“I’m counting your ribs!”
bahdabing
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
– Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Q- How many men does it take to open a beer?
A- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A- Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A- So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q- How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A- You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Q- Why do men pass gas more than women?
A- Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A- The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
19 ways to get in touch with your Feminine Side:
-
Bitch
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When asked “Is something bothering you?” reply “no” then get pissed off when you are believed.
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Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
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Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
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Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business: i.e. You say “It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.” when you mean “It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend if at all possible!”
-
Whine
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If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it’s because he is lazy.
-
No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriends.
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If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
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If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
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Complain
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Hate any bar he likes.
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Demand to be treated as an equal in everything – except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc., these are required gifts proving his love.
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Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all the stress of your life.
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Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
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Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
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Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
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Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
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Weasel yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
30 harsh things a woman can say to a naked man
- I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
- Ahhhh, it’s cute.
- Why don’t we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Make it dance.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no… a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won’t take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- It looks so unused.
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
- Does it come with an air pump?
- So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
- I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
Your wife and a lawyer are drowning and you have to choose…
Do you have lunch, or go see a movie?
This is the male-bashing jokes thread! Get your own thread!
But you know you like it like that. 
My best feminist joke ever:
Q: Why do women use the term “Mister” to address men?
A: Because they moisten you once in a while and don’t do much else.
plus…
I’m so in touch with my feminine side it filed a harassment suit against me.
Some by others:
Q: Why do men so often address their genitals by name?
A: Because they can’t stand the thought of having a complete stranger making all of their decisions for them.
Q: Why doctors whack babies on the ass?
A: To knock the dicks off of the smart ones.
Adam and Eve get close, and Eve thinks it’s time to further their relationship.
Eve: You know, Adam, we’ve been spending a lot of time together…I think I’m ready for a committment. What are the three words I want to hear from you?
Adam: Erm…umm…“Nice tits, baby?”