Thanks, Mermaid. I feel much better now. 
I’m glad I could help.
And welcome to the board.
All right, that’s enough! Stop it, stop it right now! There should be no happy, happy sincere welcomings here! This is a place for sarcasm.
This is a place where we call each other “assclowns” and like it.
This is a thread where names like “dickweasel” are bandied about with glee. (No, not the poster named GLEE, but the emotion.)
This is a thread for insincerity and jaded cynicism.
No hugs.
No comforting.
No coddling.
Wussy little dickweaslly chicken-humper assclown newbies.
Sheesh…
Ruin a perfectly good Welcome Wagon thread with feel-good greetings and emotions. I swear, some people just don’t get it.
BTW - before anyone from Texas gets offended, if you aren’t a dickweasel, then obviously my sweeping generalization doesn’t apply to you, so don’t hop in to correct me, ok?
In fact, I don’t even know what a dickweasel is. It just sounds good. Take it as a compliment if you like.
College sophomore(age 20) who now has an undecided major. It was Anthropology before. I could just kill myself for thinking that this major would be soooo exciting. Let’s see…I live in Arizona, go to ASU, live with my parents, and love sarcasm. I enjoy listening to Placebo and Orgy. I love watching the comedian Eddie Izzard.(“This is a poo shop. Everything here is themed on poo.” “'Allo, I’ve got a pig in my trousers. Woo, woo, woo-woo-woo”)
Okay so I am a bit messed up…so bite me.
You really don’t want a pic of me at all. I am surprised I have friends at all. I scare myself.
I also love Disneyland, hence my screen name.
Meg ºoº
Ah, youth at it’s finest: Surprised that things don’t turn out as they thought. Take that as an example young lady, there’s the rest of your life right there. Her’s a glimpse of your future:
Unless you get incredibly lucky, your job will suck. Studies have shown 97.3% of all jobs bite the big one. The top two reasons for such a high rate of job suckage: co-workers and bosses.
Marriage is nothing like you think it will be. The #1 reason for people not being happy in their marriage: The spouse.
And for you people reading and thinking, “Gee, he’s right! I would like my job so much better if not for my boss or co-workers!” Guess what sport, odds are you’re someone’s boss or co-worker.
**
Excuse me while the elders enjoy a Steve Martin moment with me:
“Born in Babylonia,
Moved to Arizona.
King Tut”
Sorry, but for some reason that jumped into my head when I saw “Arizona”
**
Ok, you’ve got this all backwards. I don’t bite the newbies. The newbies Bite Me. You get to Bite Me twice for this little boo-boo.
**
I’ll decide what I want or don’t want, thankyouverymuch. It’s not a matter of wanted, per se, anyway. It’s my job here. I have to do it. Send the pic. And as for scaring yourself? I’ve put on so much weight since I got out of the Air Force it’s ridiculous. To borrow from Richard Jeni, I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror the other day. I couldn’t believe it. If I saw something like that in the forest, I’d shoot it and run back to the car.
Hey Crunchy! As you can see, I registered eons ago, but I’m mostly a lurker. I’m a 22 year old single blond fourth year college student. I’m studying physical education (not that kind of physical, silly), but I am going to go into physical therapy (not that kind of “therapy”) when I finish my current degree. I was a cheerleader in junior high and high school, and I played rugby in high school and with a club since then (my position is hooker 
- not that kind of position). And really, I think I’ll spare you the pain of seeing me in the flesh, like someone mentioned earlier, I’m suprised I have as many friends as I do. I think I’ll shut up now while I’m ahead (or not).
I love me some co-eds. Send with the pics already.
**
[/quote]
I’m studying physical education (not that kind of physical, silly), but I am going to go into physical therapy (not that kind of “therapy”) when I finish my current degree. I was a cheerleader…**
[/quote]
warning - just teasing ahead, don’t take it personally
I see, you’re not smart enough to get a real major, you had to go and major in gym. Oh wait, you’re a blonde cheerleader… well that explains that.
Well sparta, you have a lot to make up for with me. Just as I’ve chosen to blame Farren for every late pizza delivery and every screwed up order, I’ve chosen to take out all my pent up high school frustrations on you.
That’s right, I’m blaming you for every cheerleader I wasn’t cool enough to date. I’m going to blame you for all the high school “cool” kids who wanted nothing to do with me because although I played baseball, I also did the high school plays and was therefore a Theatre Geek. You and your ilk sicken me.
Send the nekkid pic, and let the healing begin between our two worlds.
Which brings me to this:
**
[/quote]
And really, I think I’ll spare you the pain of seeing me in the flesh…**
[/QUOTE]
No, no, no, newbie. Your job isn’t to think. It is to obey the rules. Send the pic or feel my wrath, which I have named Fred.
Actually, I think (no… can’t think, crunchy would be mad), rather you might want to know that I wasn’t a “cool” cheerleader. I got honors in school, I didn’t date, and I was in chemistry, biology and physics, as well as calculus. I was in the band and the school play. I was only a cheerleader inasmuch as cheerleading is not seen as extremely cool where I live. I was on the team because I was fairly good at it, but I definitely wasn’t in the “cool” group. In fact, my sister who’s two years younger than me has told me that I basically ruined any chance of her having a social life at our high school, just because I was her sister. So yes, I am bitter, and I’d thank you not to bring it up… but of course it doesn’t matter what I think… all hail Crunchy!
You think that sob story is supposed to make me take it easy on you? Tell you what, if you can find another blonde cheerleader to take you place as the object of my resentment, I’ll leave you alone about it.
And as for not being cool? Yes, I was an Honors student, yes I did theatre. But that is about it for stereotypical geekiness. I played 2nd base from my freshman year onward. I wasn’t a power hitter, but I tied the school record for stolen bases in a season and made the school’s only unassisted triple play.
But none of that was cool enough. Maybe if I could’ve hit homeruns… chicks dig homeruns…
BTW - did you send that pic yet or do I have to send Fred after you?
I’m ready and waiting, which is what you’ll be since I don’t have any pics of my illustrious self. If you don’t mind waiting until I buy a camera, take some pictures, develop them, try to find a computer lab on campus with a scanner, and the Big Crunch happens then hey…
Ok that’s how Froggy wants to play eh?
All right you wussy little weasle-dick chicken humpin assclown, you asked for it.
{{{{{{{Crunchy}}}}}}}}}
I know you don’t mean to be so absolutely visciously cranky, all you really need is a hug but if you insist
CHOMP CHOMP
Better?
Now that the cuddly, fuzzy welcomes are over, I might as well.
So, yeah, I’ve posted about…3 times before, but that was about 2 months ago, and considering I dont really know anybody, I’d consider myself a newbie. Besides, I never did get to bite CrunchyFrog.
Information? It’s mostly boring. I’m a red-headed triplet, and lead the most non-intresting life of the three. I play guiter and work at a local youth theater when I’m not taking film classes. My minions, sometimes refered to as children or “those short people I’m payed to teach,” call me Meevie, which is why I have to kill one every week. I enjoy mustard in moderation, like all condiments. Mostly I eat it because both my sisters hate it, therefore I can be the special one.
My naked picture is in the mail, along with a 10 year old singing “Tomorow” for your entertainment.
Hey Assclown, you’re just jealous because the only ample bosums you see are in National Geographic.
Wow. That’s amzing. That is exactly how every wet dream I had in junior high started out (and about 16% of all Penthouse Forum letters).
**
And here’s where the similarity to Penthouse Forum ends. Dammit. You little tease.
**
If only you weren’t talking about mustard here, we may have a chance at a beautiful friendship.
dogbulter tries to strike back:
**
And with this 8th-grade style jab, we see dogbutler showing off his newbie-ness. As anyone who’s been here a while knows (or anyone who reads the first Welcome Wagon), I get to see plenty of ample bosums while masturbating to lesbian porn.
I’ll be expecting your apology presently.
BTW - the handle is Crunchy Frog. Crunchy or Froggy is also acceptable.
BTW - Newbie Lesson #3 (or 4? I lost count already)
Look above 2 posts to dogbulter’s reply to my post where I establish that this is not a touchy-feely-cuddly thread. There is no need to quote the entire post, newbies. It takes up unneeded space. In the above example, he only needs to quote the first couple sentences to establish what he’s replying to. Especially since my apologizing to the entire state of Texas has nothing to do with his post at all.
And dogbutler, don’t take this as me picking on you, but unlike the last Welcome Wagon thread, I’m actually trying to use this thread to educate the newbies a little more than last time.
And Mermaid - you really think I’m being overly cranky? I haven’t done this in a while and I’m still trying to find the balance between tongue-in-cheek good-natured ribbing and out-and-out visciousness. I thought I went over the line a bit when I called all Texans dickweasels, and apologized for it. I’m trying to tone it down a bit now, being a touch more self-depricating and less insulting.
Did I say film classes? Guitar; Youth Theater? Silly me, I meant I play the saxaphone while standing in underwear and combat boots, when I’m not working as a nurse under the alias “Betty”
I dont know where I came up with that artsy-chick junk.
Nice to meet you, CrunchyFrog!
This is the worst attempt at mimicking a Penthouse Forum letter I’ve ever seen. I’m getting you a subscription so you can read up and polish your erotic prose-writing skills.
First of all, why are you wearing underwear? If you must wear clothing, it should be lingerie. Don’t just say underwear. There’s nothing sexy about the word underwear. Fruit of the Loom tighty-whitey is underwear. I wear underwear. A woman needs a thong and a garter belt, or lacey bustiers, or a merrywidow… mmmmmmmmmm
Second of all – Combat boots? No. Heels, woman, heels! Have you never seen porn? Frilly undergarments and high heels go together like chocolate on Gummy Bears: I don’t know who thought of it, but it sure is tasty!
And a nurse? My sister is a nurse. Nurses do nothing for me as a result. (Except that one I elecrocuted myself in an attempt to impress her…)
Greetings. My name is Creaky. I am new. I am a girl. I like bourbon and cats, but not cats who drink bourbon, because they never pay their bar bills. I am having big fun here and meeting lots of cool people. I look forward to posting some more.
Thank you.
You are a master at pointing out the blinking obvious.
**
Right. Dogs are much more reliable when it comes to paying debts. Plus they get all the good jobs, anyway: Guard dog, police dog, seeing-eye dog. Cats have a hell of a time getting work. Pure species-ism if you ask me.
**
I’ll be damned. I ran “I am having big fun here” through the grammar checker and it passed. Interesting that, considering it sounds like something Charlie Chan would say to Number One Son.