You’ve just described about half of the people here.
We have a word for people like that. It’s not good. You don’t want to make posts just to rile people and piss them off. You’ll get a bad name for yourself and risk being seen as a troll. If you’re seen as being a jerk just to get reactions, you could get banned.
It’s not much, but it’s all I have, and you gotta work with what you have.
You should have thought about that before starting that infernal Titanic thread! Do something to see my head explode, will you? Fear my wrath! Feel my vengence! Smell my feet! I pop my ass-pimples at you for such a heathenish [sub](is that a word?)[/sub] act!
You may redeem yourself in time, but for now, you have wounded me far, far worse than you shall ever know. ::sniffle::
I will be nice. God knows I do not want to be called a troll- Yuck- maybe I will just kick back and read the posts
Darn it, Crunchy, stop getting my hopes up! I want to at least find out what sensuexual things are! You’ll have to find me somebody else…
They’re pretty much what they sound like. 
blows a kiss
Okay, here it goes. I guess I am just ANOTHER girl…hehe
When I registered here, it said that name was taken. Another late night choice that seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am a 27 year old mother of the two most wonderful children in the world (when they are not fighting, talking incessantly, annoying me, destroying my house and are sound asleep). I have a very boring life that consists of working way too much. I actually like my job. I am a legal assistant. There is really not much to say here, but I am sure there are lots of jokes to be made.
My HEX could just fall off the earth and make my life happier, but it doesn’t seem to be that easy. 
I don’t post alot because there is usually someone who has already said what I wanted to say.
A long time ago, on this very same thread, Crunchy Frog commanded:
and as such I oblige:
Crunchy’s secret fantasy: To own his very own monkey butler
Homer tinks about hou cull wuld it be to hav a monky butlar
And, if you still want more monkey-related stuff, here is a bonus:
Lolo and Lola, the hermaphrodite, sexually hyperactive, Siamese monkey --scroll down a couple of posts to catch the sequel to that post.
[Hijack-a-monkey]
Now, a very cool monkey butler trick to entertain people at parties:
While jumping on one foot, say the words “monkey butler” in chinese 7 times in front of a mirror. At the same time, pull your nose hair with your left hand while shuffling a deck of cards with your right hand. Guess what?
Absolutely nothing will happen. C’mon, don’t tell that you were expecting a monkey butler to come out of nowhere to serve you a drink, did you?
In any case, everyone in the room will be laughing their asses off. And you can join in the fun too; after all, you got a mirror to see for yourself how ridiculous you look.
Now, go on and show everybody how fuckin’ cool you are!
[/Hijack-a-monkey]
My sig has gone on strike. :eek:
Hey Crunchy, another newbie ready to strip nekkid and be officially welcomed by you.
Age: 24
Sex: Female
Geographical location: Australia (Brisbane)
Height: 5’0" on a good day.
Hair: Red
Eyes: change colour with my mood
Occupation: Resident warm fuzzy person - receptionist (ex pre-school teacher)
Status: Single
Enjoys: Sarcasm, hugs from my friends, taking my kangaroo for a walk/jump, nakedness.
Is that enough rope to hang me by?
Oh - you’ll have to ask dpr for the nekkid pics - he has them all.
HI I’M NEW K THX BYE.
Thanks, you’re a big help. blush But I’m feeling much better now… =)
OK, I’m new, and I fear not the scathing tongue of a glucose-frosted amphibian, so…
I’m 37, height 5’9’’, weight I don’t know (my scales only go up to 280 lb), live in Oxfordshire (in the UK), work as a web software developer, enjoy reading, listening to classical music, and staring at cathode ray tubes until my eyes glaze over, am a practising (non-fundamentalist, non-literalist, tries-to-be-broadminded) Christian, have studied Linguistics and Software Engineering, generally try to be a nice person, hat size 7 1/4.
That enough?
I’m here to welcome you, young man, not pimp. Get your own piece of ass. 
For the unaware nebies out there, there is a poster with the name Just A Girl. Now all your female newbies pay attention. See that this user has been a member since March of 2000, but has less than 50 posts to her name. This is what happens if you do not send me the requistie nude pictures of yourselves, you will not be allowed to post. And I don’t want to hear anything about how I wasn’t a member till April 2000, so how can I prevent her from posting if I wasn’t even a member of the board, yada yada yada. That’s just nit-picking and irrelevant to the subject at hand.
First of all, almost everyone thinks their kids are the greatest. The truth is, most of them are little brats with runny noses, over-active mouths, and too much free time to bother me.
Second of all, we seem to have a lot in common as I am also 27 and am the father of . . . um, well nothing really. But I own a cat. Well, I owned a cat. Actually it’s my fiance’s cat and it lives with her. I did have a plant though. Well, not really a plant: a Chia Pet. It died.
Or if you want to really punish him we can hook him up with my ex.
Make shit up. That’s what I do.
Now it’s that sort of go-get-'im, good old fashioned Ameri -um, Australian enthusiam that will get you far on this board!
bolding mine)
I lost interest in everything else posted once I saw this.
OK dpr, what the hell’s your problem? Holding back on the rest of us!
I believe Daffy Duck said it best when he said, “Um . . . yeah.”
Of course we can see you’re new, Sasquatch!. We can also see you’re somewhat irritating and quite possibly not the brightest rhinestone on the county singer’s shirt.
I don’t know what to say about the rest of your post, but your hat size 7 1/4, huh? Is that inches? If so, your head and my penis are the same size.
I’ve been lurking for a couple of months and finally decided to start posting a few days ago. Since I ran across the Welcome Wagon thread, I thought I’d stick my head in.
I’m a carbon-based life form descended from an ape, making a living from interacting with silicon-based life forms (assuming that posessing a nasty sense of humor–as I think most of us know that computers do–is evidence of being alive) and testing their reactions to certain stimuli. It’s fun and pays the peanut butter bills. I hope that They won’t soon catch on and make me do something else.
Right now, I feel like the world’s most boring person since I can’t think of what to say about myself. College seems largely irrelevant now, it doesn’t matter what I look like since you all can’t see me anyway, and I can’t list likes and dislikes without feeling like a Playboy centerfold, and it’s too chilly at this time of year to enjoy that for long. I have four cats–three on purpose and one fobbed off on me. How’s that for personal information?
Crunchy may decide for himself whether to request naked pictures of me.
ok. here goes. i am 25 and female. i live in minnesota. i’ve been taking karate classes for a few years now, and i like the inflated sense of self confidence it gives me. i’m not married and never intend on being so. i dont like babies, but little kids are ok in small doses. i’ve recently developed a strange view on people’s enslaving animals and calling them “pets.” i dont think your or anyone else’s vote matters, and it never did.
the most important thing for you to know about me is that i love, adore, and worship cartoons. they are - by far - the greatest medium of our time.
Oh God. You’re one of those people! I bet you list Leonard Nimoy as one of the Top 10 people who’ve influenced your life. Gene Roddenberry (I’m sure I’ll be corrected on my spelling here) is a god to you. You consider William Shatner to be a great actor.
Sorry if I’m off-base with that, but it’s been my experience that anyone who refers to themselves as if they are an alien life form (such as calling yourself a 'carbon-based life form) fits that stereotype.
And the above android-inspired paragraph isn’t doing much to diminish that idea.
I see, you must have already graduated from it then. (It’s also been my experience that only those who are in college and their parents find it relevant to anything.)
And so how do I know what sort of mental picture to form as I drift off to sleep tonight, snuggling with the pillow and whispering loving things to it and calling it Eft and . . . um, sorry, nevermind.
It’s NEVER too cold to enjoy a Playmate! What the hell are you talking about?!
Some club soda should get that stain out. How does the cat do it, he can’t make a fist, can he? Does he still fob off a lot, or have to trained him not to do that anymore?
Look, I’m trying to tell you people, I’m not requesting these pix for fun. It’s my job. I have to see them and pass the good ones on to the moderators and administrators. It’s not for my enjoyment you know.
racerx – You snuck up on me while I was responding to Eft, you shouldn’t do that to people! Just for that, you have to send me your nude pix while posing provocatively, at least 10 pix.
Do they not have ‘shift’ keys in Minnesota? You must know where the ‘x’ is, because it’s in your username. So find the ‘x’ now look two keys to the left. That’s your ‘shift’ key. Experiment with it and find all the wonderful things it can do!
Funny, that’s how I feel about my Swedish penis enlarger.
Hmmm, I never thoguht of it as enslavement before. I guess you’re right! The way I take those dogs into the warm house and feed them and give them water and their own place to sleep and then forcing them into labors such as lounging about on the furniture, shedding, playing with chew toys, and licking themsleves. Sounds like slavery to me. It’s just not fair to the animal I guess.
And that’s how we feel about your opinions!
And she saves herself with a touch of true wisdom at the end! We may be friends yet, racerx, provided you can locate your ‘shift’ key.
Friendly reminder in case someone hasn’t read the entire thread – my statements do not reflect the whold of the SDMB and are to be taken as a joke. I mean very little of what I say here. (Except that bit about the ‘shift’ keys. Find them. Use them. They are your little key friends.)
<bzzt!> Try again. It’s part of a hangover from having recently reread The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I am emphatically not a Trekkie. (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that…”) Be glad that I didn’t make my user name Ford Prefect. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then I’m afraid I shall have nothing more to say to you.)
Long since. It was a fun way to spend almost ten years. Pity I only got a B.A. out of the package.
How’d you guess? :eek: I am, in fact, about twenty inches long, eighteen inches wide white, and fluffy. But I don’t have that stupid-looking Star Trek pillowcase on me that you’ve dressed my fetish in. (Yeah, pal, those Trekkie jabs are rich, coming from you. You still sleeping with the Captain Kirk doll every night, or do you only take it out on special occasions?)
If you don’t like the pillow image, what if I tell you that I’m a tall, slender, green-eyed and bisexual redhead? Better?
It’s never too cold to enjoy looking at a Playmate. It is presently too cold to enjoy being dressed as one (unless the room is well-heated), and seems like that’s required for listing one’s likes and dislikes. I also don’t giggle convincingly and when I bat my eyes people are apt to hand me eyedrops to wash the dust out.
Nah, I tried that. I need to get some Wisk.
Good thing, since you haven’t actually established what gender I am. I admire your selfless attitude.
Okay, so you’re not a Trekkie. Don’t take it personally, there’s a lot of newbies posting here and I’m just grabbing for anything to write about. BTW, not only do I know what you’re taking about, I have The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (all but the last book, which I own in paperback) in a hardback, leatherbound special edition.
There seems to be a common misconception among some of the newbies here, that this thread is a give-and-take session. I blame myself for being lax of late. I also blame Don Knotts on genral principles. So no more being nice to the newbies, since they see this as an opportunity to take some jabs back at me.
All newbies in this thread must BITE ME. Yes, Eft, you as well, although I had let that stupid little phrase slip from this thread, you have forced me to revive it.
And FTR, I am not a trekkie. I cannot stand the original Star Trek episodes, although I will occasionally find myself watching The Next Generation.
:Eft, feeling totally outgeeked, bows to the master:
[quote]
All newbies in this thread must BITE ME. Yes, Eft, you as well, although I had let that stupid little phrase slip from this thread, you have forced me to revive it.
Not too bad… I’m only up to what, 6, 7 posts and have already earned a request to bite someone.
To hear is to obey. CHOMP.
Y’know, this reminds me of a Dan Savage column from a few months ago. A straight guy wrote in to say that he just somehow “found himself” getting a blowjob from a guy. (Actually, he “found himself” going back for seconds and thirds and wondered how to justify this and continue to identify as straight, but that’s another matter.) You “find yourself” sometimes watching TNG. Amazing how these things happen without any volition on the part of the speaker.
So–am I pushing my luck here, or is it obvious that my tongue is firmly in cheek?
Ok, first of all, who the hell is Dan Savage? That sounds like a made up name to me. Second of all, you can understand how different the situations are. I’m absently watching TV when I suddenly realize I’ve been watching Next Generation and actually want to see how it ends. The guy you’re referring to would have us believe that he’s minding his own business, absently watching TV and suddenly realizes a person named Steve is between his legs and Steve for some odd reason is sucking away at his genatalia like a Hoover wet-vac. I refuse to see how you can equate these things as similar until:
I won’t comment on the tongue-in-cheek thing until I’m 100% certain what gender you are.