Being a fan of CSI (Vegas) I had the misfortune of watching CSI: Miami this week since there is a “trilogy” crossover between the three versions.
Is it just me or is this an awful, awful show?
You’ve got David Caruso, who’s acting just speaks for itself.
As for the writing…
A woman bursts into the police station, asks for the desk sergeant, and tells him her daughter’s missing. It’s been less than 24 hours. He sort of poo-poos her and she wails “Isn’t anyone listening?!” In comes Horatio (Caruso) - who’s just a CSI not an officer or a sheriff - and he croons “I’m listening…” He decides to take on the case, because “I KNOW my daughter!”
They find an abandoned car on a highway in the middle of the Everglades. There’s blood next to the car. Many minutes after the CSIs arrive and begin investigating, they come to the out-loud conclusion that there was a struggle, between two people (ok, ruled out someone bludgeoning themselves and walking away). Then, way too much later, they decide dramatically that there must have been another car to take the attacker and victim away. Good call.
Later on, they find an arm on an embankment. Through all of the dirt and decomp, an astute CSI notes a bruise on the shoulder and says “that is our victim. She had a bruise!”
Shortly after, they find a leg. A leg with a very visible tattoo on the ankle. No one mentions the tattoo (it’s not the main victim’s leg). It gets shipped off to the ME. The ME has to point out to the CSI (the one who saw the bruise) that there’s a tattoo on the ankle. “Huh!”
The ME was clever enough to spot the tattoo, but not the fact that the foot was covered in sand. “Oh! Good catch CSI Blonde! I was about to wash it down the drain!”
They figure out the leg has been in Vegas, because of the makeup of the sand. They video conference with Vegas CSI via their Tardis Central Command Unit, and tell the head guy over there that they’ve got a leg from Vegas. “Does it have a butterfly tattoo on the ankle?” he asks. CSI Blonde HAS TO LOOK THIS UP. This leg we’ve been staring at all day, the one I found sand on, I am not sure if it has a tattoo.
It does have a tattoo. Immediately the CSI from Vegas says “oh! Definitely our missing girl. I’m coming to Miami. Via chopper.”
The CSI Vegas guy’s name is Dr. Ray Langston. Immediately everyone in Miami takes to calling him “Dr. Ray.” Not Dr. Langston, or “Ray” as he’s known in Vegas. Dr. Ray. WTF?
The ME is so stoked to meet Dr. Ray. He’s a fan of his papers. He gets all mushy. Dr. Ray examines the leg, and totally schools the ME. “Jeepers Dr. Ray, you’re so smrt!” Dr. Ray has come prepared with a bunch of slides showing how different blades cut bones. Later, a foot comes in. He has to make practice cuts with a bunch of blades to determine what kind of blade was used to cut it. Guess he left his slides at the hotel.
They spend a lot of time looking at these decomposed, severed limbs. Under bright lights, in presumably non-chilled labs. Without masks. Must smell great!
It’s a meat cleaver that cut the leg off. They find a butcher. Not just any butcher, but a guy who runs a fancy restaurant (in Miami and Vegas) where he chops up sides of beef in front of customers before cooking them. He’s got a nice clever. So nice that he goes a little berserk when Dr. Ray picks it up. Very expensive, dontchaknow. Well, it’s the weapon in question. Because obviously this butcher has NO OTHER CLEAVERS.
The rest of the show just gets awful-er and stupid-er. Much over-acting from Dr. Ray and Horatio. Vapid acting from CSI Blonde. Super goofy acting from CSI Comic Relief.
I know that prime time dramas have to dumb it down a bit and have the actors say obvious things so that the audience can follow. But damn, the writing on this show is heavy handed. The acting even more so.
According to it’s Wikipedia page, Miami is “The World’s Most Popular TV Show”. No joke. Maybe because it’s so simple for people with second language is English? It’s overly dramatic like a telenova? It’s the only American crime drama exported to the 20 countries polled?
I’ve only seen this one episode and flipped through a couple others when Khandi Alexander was the ME (I like Christian Clemenson as an actor but he’s way too goofball for an ME)…
Is this anyone’s favorite version of CSI? Do you think this episode is a good example of the entire show? Why do you like this one over the other versions?
I’m sort of dumbfounded.
She has an attitude about it that a lot of people have about action films - it’s not to be taken seriously, just sit back and enjoy the strangely orange-coloured ride. I take the advice and it serves me well - Caruso is just so ridiculously intense, you have to view each scene with a set of humour-tinted glasses.