I’m having some problems with my DSL line, so I sent a tech support request to SBC. I realize the response I got was a form letter, but it still freaks me out. (I marked the especially freaky portions in italics.)
I wonder what focus group told them this was the exact response people were looking for when they contacted tech support. “You’re so smart, and talented, and beautiful, and we’re personally crushed that you’ve experienced the slightest problem with our service. Please take my firstborn daughter as recompense.”
The letter you’ve posted reminds me of the odd and sometimes excessive style of politeness that I’ve sometimes encountered in business correspondence with individuals from abroad. I wonder if SBC may be outsourcing their customer service correspondence.
We at SBC are absolutely devastated that your browsing has been (if I may quote your eloquent words) “slow”. At SBC we feel that slow is insufficiently fast, and we’re not afraid to say so: a relationship like ours demands the courage to be honest. And let’s face it, you’re dealing with a guy who’d chew his own foot off if it meant giving you better service. Or even if you just really wanted me to, but you’d have to be sincere. Anyway, with me on the case you know that SBC is serious as well as sad about your – no, make that our – unfortunate situation.
Which brings me to a delicate point. You won’t be hearing from Tech Support Agent Creepy Guy anymore. He wasn’t right for you, Sani. You, with your pure heart, were blind to his faults, but everyone else could see. Even though he was my supervisor, it hurt me to see him spending time on other relationships, other browsers, which he forbade me to talk to you about. He was saddened by your suffering, but the sadness ran only so deep. It did not approach the gut-wrenching pain I feel whenever your browsing capability is compromised. He, to be blunt, was not the kind of man who would or could chew his own foot off. Which is why the old bear-trap-in-the-gravel-pit trick removed him so neatly and easily. Forget Creepy Guy, Sani, as you would any mistake so quickly erased and corrected. You have me now, and I swear upon my very life, and those of many of my co-workers and possibly a few people who will have been just in the wrong place at the wrong time, that our provider-consumer relationship will be more fulfilling than you ever dared dream.
Goodbye for now, Sani: I go to work tirelessly on your problem. The handful of amphetimines I just swallowed will – hey, cool, if I hit the F5 key I can read your E-mails and get a list of your twenty most recent phone calls – will keep me on the job until I have vanquished the demon of slowness. Until then, adieu.
My first instinct would be to press reply and ask him what he’s wearing
My second instinct, though, is as pinkfreud says, it’s likely the invention of folks whose native language is not English. I received a similar letter from **Microsoft’s ** E-Mail support, of all places.
“Hey, yeah, it’s me. First, I want to thank you for that wonderful letter you sent. It is truly wonderful to know we have such a rapport here. But, look – we’re friends here, right? I can tell you things and you won’t betray me? Good, because I have to be honest with you here, okay? Because I know I can trust you. See, the thing here that really bothers me about all this, y’know, slowness is that – well, see, if you’re watching streaming clown porn and it starts getting so slow and stuttery during the seltzer money shots and you have time to sit there and really consider how fucked up you are for watching clown porn … it really sort of kills the mood, you know? It hurts me in the pants there. I need the speed, man, and I just know you can give it to me, can’t you? Please, man. Do it for me.”
It’s been a full day and you haven’t called or emailed me. What happened to the magic?? Do you still care? It’s me isn’t it, I drove you away. ::sniffle:: Was I too needy, too clingy? Did my desperate need for fast internet service and my cries for your help make you leave?
Ok, so it hasn’t always been good, but we had good times! Remember? We surfed the SDMB, we laughed, we read emails, we even looked at porn. What part of it wasn’t enough for you? There’s someone else isn’t there??? Who is it, what shameless hussy has taken you away from me??? I won’t stand for this you know! You were MINE FIRST!!
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t yell at you, it was all my fault I know…please call me…I can’t go on without you. I will send a followup every 5 minutes to be sure you get this.
I agree with the others that this is an outsourcing issue. I see a strong flavor of what used to be called Oriental kowtowing in it. Call their toll-free number and report back what accent you hear.
You got me. By a quirk of humanity, I’m actually the only Jonathan in the St. Louis metro area. So I guess it’s only a matter of days before I’m in pieces in someone’s duffel bag at the bottom of the Mississippi.
I eagerly anticipate working with you on this delicate matter of the slowness of my DSL connection. I feel it’s only friendly and openly honest for me to share with you the fact that I had cable internet service before signing on with SBC. Unfortunately, I was also troubled by the speed with which I could browse the internet using that service. Comcast sent a most agreeable service technician out to offer his assistance in the matter. Regretfully, I found him to be less than knowlegeable regarding the operation of the equipment, as he was fully unable to improve my situation. As far as I know, the authorities haven’t located the duffle bag containing his body, as I was fastidious in securing the anchor weights before I tossed it into the Mississippi. Here’s hoping that our relationship will flourish in a positive manner, as I am currently suffering a shortage of suitable duffle bags.
