If it’s a mutual decision, there’s no problem. Serenata67 makes it sound like she’s thinking about making a unilateral decision. Either way I’m sure she’ll clear it up.
Probably not, but you’ve been around here long enough to know that if you want to joke about things that are likely to be polarizing, you’re going to want to make the fact that you’re joking **excruciatingly ** clear.
Also, the title says, “Cutting him off…”
Yes, people on this board have gotten so non-judgmental that the only sexual practice you can criticize is not having any.
In a way you are already married, united in the flesh through sex. Denying a partner sex is a reason for divorce, this is the opposite of what you want I assume, and a very bad ‘karma’ way of going into the ceremony.
Marriage is about giving one self to the other, a process you both began before the ceremony (which is really just another step) , as such that should be the continuing practice IMHO.
IMHO it is OK to mutually agree on a time of refraining from sex, but this seems not to be the case, and because of how some have interpreted the way you phrased the OP it would be a very bad time to start this IMHO.
After the stress of organizing and then going through the wedding ceremony and reception, you may not be at all interested in sex, whether you abstain for a month before the ceremony or not. I speak from personal experience. If you’re doing the planning yourself, you might be too tired for anything that night, or the next day. Just sayin’.
In our case, we slept together the night before the wedding (I think all we did was sleep), but we did actually have sex that night – which astonishes me, considering how exhausted we were and how many things went wrong.
If you both agree to abstain beforehand to increase the anticipation, that’s fine. But you might not break that pledge for a day or so after the wedding, depending on circumstances.
Honestly, I think this is a ridiculous idea, bought into by people who were raised with “you should wait until you’re married”, and who decided against it as adults, but still believe there’s something special about waiting. You don’t get to have it both ways - you either have the joy of sex before marriage as well as after, or the moral pleasure of adhering to a belief that’s difficult to maintain as an adult in a romantic relationship.
That being said, if you still want to do this, bring it up to your fiance as, “I think it would heighten the anticipation if we abstained from sex for a little while before the wedding. What do you think?” Most men, IME, aren’t going to respond to “it’ll make it more special!”. And don’t suggest a timeframe, let him do it, if he agrees to it. Again, lots of the men I know would see one month of celibacy as completely unreasonable. This may be helpful in bringing up some unvoiced assumptions you both have about sex, too.
In my own experience, my husband and I had a long-distance engagement while in college, so we often went for weeks or months on end with only ourselves for company. It didn’t make the sex any more special when we reunited, just a lot faster the first couple of times.
Consider if this guy is likely to have his friends get him a stripper before the wedding day. All that pent up libido, and then there is another naked woman in front of him…
Hell, I’ll pay for s sexual surrogate for the poor bastard. We can start a Poor Bastard Pool, anyone can contribute.
In all honesty though, the whole thing sounds a bit passive-aggressive.
Oooh, that’s not going to stain, is it?
Stranger
Does cutting off sex qualify as a Bridezilla tactic?
I think you should talk to him about it and see what he thinks. Agreed this should be a mutual decision. Every couple’s sex life is different and what might be repugnant for others might be just the ticket for you. Judging by some of the comments here, there are those that would shrivel up and die if they were a part of my marriage. (ZOMG a whole MONTH however will you make it?!!) Sex has different priority for different couples, for different reasons, at different times. Do what you BOTH are comfortable with. And enjoy your wedding night!
I suggest the OP follow through with her plan . . . give her fiance a chance to see how manipulative she really is, while he can still back out.
What if the woman in question was going off birth control in order to conceive the night of their honeymoon? That could be an interesting package deal. It might actually be medically and hormonally preferable and beneficial for the woman to take some time coming off the pill in order to really “hit her stride” for the honeymoon… if you know what I mean? If my hypothetical wife wanted to do something like that I would just be counting the days before I was gonna get mauled by that Sex Monster.
This was a smile until it hit “pointers from veterans” and then it was a LOL. Nice work. The whole post was solid advice, but this bit of wordplay was extra special.
I’d endorse Manda Jo’s viewpoint and ask the OP to look at what she’s looking to get out of the experience and why. Does she regret being sexually active before marriage? Does she have concerns rooted in her upbringing or faith regarding it? Marriage is a big step and it brings a lot of introspection and it’s a good sign if the couple can communicate openly about it and work through these issues together. If you’ve found the right partner, then you shouldn’t have to worry about talking with them about this kind of stuff. They love you and want you to be happy. If this means some sort of purification rite before you take the big step together, they may well be fully supportive of it. I’d recommend you not take these kinds of steps unilaterally.
I’ve known a couple who did this, before they got married in a religious ceremony(orthodox Jewish). They had been married in a civil ceremony for over a year and had not been celibate, but they decided to go through a purification rite before the religious ceremony. It was a joint decision, driven by her because she was converting to Judaism and wanted to do everything she could to honor her new faith, and it wasn’t easy, but they survived it and seem to be fine. He honored her wishes because he loves her as a whole person and sex is just one aspect of it. He wanted her to be happy and comfortable in her faith as well as in their bed.
Enjoy,
Steven
OP:
You’re trying to communicate your total emotional immaturity to your partner. Better ways to do this:
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Thirty seconds into penetrative sex, ask “is it in yet?”
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Tell him how stupid his guyish interests are.
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Hit on other men while you’re around him.
This will make things much clearer much more quickly and give him a chance to call off the engagement.
This is ridiculous.
This. Absolutely this.
I can totally understand periods of abstinence (whether total or only from certain forms of sex) being therapeutic or even envigorating to a couple’s sex life, or simply being par for the course if that’s their personal dynamic (whether due to low libido or other reasons) but I’m not seeing the benefit to playing with emotions and intimacy, AND adding yet more pressure, in the weeks before what for many is the greatest possible relationship transition.
If you’ve had periods of abstinence in the past and found it increased appetite and anticipation in a way that was wonderful for you both, then sure, ask your partner if he’d like to use that as a technique to make your first round of sex as a married couple that much better. Just like anything else you’ve found makes for an especially wonderful sexual experience, whether it’s leaving love letters on each other’s pillows or not wearing underpants that day. But unless you know abstaining works that way for both of you, what’s the appeal? I’d be examining my motivations very closely, to make sure any issues I had with having had pre-marital sex were worked out before I brought them into my married sex life, whether I went ahead with the idea or not.
Even setting that aside, just as I wouldn’t recommend a couple try bondage or anal or midget with trained seal play for the first time when consummating their marriage, unless it was something they were both very sure and excited about, willing to accept that they may end up laughing at how things went awry, and equally, mutually enthused, I don’t think this is a great idea if you’re not very sure it’s going to lead to a great time for you both. Do you really want to throw that X factor into a time that’s going to be of intense emotional significance all on its own? What if it leads to him not lasting very long, you taking longer to get aroused (which I find happens to me if I abstain-- I may be crazy horny from not having had any fun in awhile, but it almost seems to take my body and emotions awhile to remember what’s supposed to happen when I finally do get to have fun) or either of you coming to bed with unexpected resentments towards the artificial imposition? Do you really want to play games with your first night (or morning) of sex as a married couple, that’s already coming after a tremendous amount of (hopefully mostly happy) stress?
I thought anal midget sex was practically de rigeur for the wedding night.
If you are on a whim cutting him off now, he can be sure it will happen whenever you decide . It sends a terrible message.
Let’s take it easy on the OP - she might just have been a bit off with her phrasing. If she comes back and says she’s considering unilaterally barring access to the punani, we can always go back to flaming.