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*Originally posted by zev_steinhardt *
Which may all be true. But no doubt part of the bills he paid included your food bills, your clothing bills, your doctor bills and your school bills.
Yes, in part. In order not to pay those bills, he would have had to actively disown us or leave us. He paid bills because that’s what you do unless you’re a crook. He’s not a crook. But he lived in the house, doing his own thing, pretty much oblivious to anyone else’s activities or feelings. Also, IIRC, he paid for things like the house payment and insurance, and my mother (whose income was at least equal to his) paid a lot of things relating directly to us kids.
Once, when my mother was trying to decide whether to divorce him, she made a pro-and-con list. “Pays the bills” was the only thing on the pro side. (The con side was rather lengthy.)
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Furthermore, can you truly say that your father never cared for you when you were little? Did he never pick you up and kiss you after you fell down? Did he never take pride in your accomplishments? Did he never go out of his way for you?
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No, I can’t say “never” to all of those things. There are pictures of him bouncing us on his knee and such when we were little. Babies are fun to play with, after all. My mother bore the brunt of the work in raising us, however – and even she wasn’t very kissy and huggy. But she took us to church and shopping and out to eat and to movies and knitted us sweaters and let us pick the pattern and the yarn and did puzzles with us and made cookies with us and went to our school performances and planned our vacations and bragged about us and told us we looked nice when we dressed up. She made it clear that she loved us and was proud of us and enjoyed our company, even if she didn’t say so outright.
My father, on the other hand, has never expressed any tender emotion toward us. We never did things with “just Dad.” He didn’t invite us along on errands or tell us we looked nice or praise our accomplishments or brag about us. He was in charge of first aid, but only because for a time he was a registered EMT – before he had that training, it was Mom we went to. He never asked about our day or showed us how to do things. He bought us Christmas presents because my mother told him to (she wrapped them), and it was always either a radio (he’s a bigtime ham radio nut) or a stuffed animal. Once I got a stuffed dog with a radio in its stomach. Never anything that indicated he had any idea what our interests were. He did not congratulate me on my wedding day. He has never given any indication that it matters to him what I do.
When he and my mother fought, he would always say “I’m sorry” – but he had no idea what for, even though she was telling him. He was just apologizing to get her off his back; like Clinton, he was sorry, all right, just sorry that he was in trouble and that she was yelling at him. Afterwards he would go back to doing the exact same thing.
I still remember several occasions on which he openly mocked and laughed at me, because I’d said something he found stupid and mockable. Once at dinner (I was maybe 12) I remarked that some friends of mine, who had cousins in the same school district, were spending the week visiting them and all going to school together. He spent the entire meal harrassing me about whether this was “normal” (who cares?) until I was in tears.
When I was in high school, I was cooking some hamburger and called to my mother at the other end of the house to ask if I needed to add water (I was used to cooking frozen meat, not fresh). When my dad lit into me about shouting in the house (he was trying to watch football, after all), my mom lit into HIM about always bitching at us. They started going at it and I just turned off the burner and left the house. When I returned much later, he was gone for what would turn out to be six months. It was the most peaceful time my mom and us kids had ever had. She let him back for financial reasons.
zev, you’re very different from my father. You’re a warm, considerate, introspective human being. You connect in a personal way to other people, even across a message board. I respect you more than I respect my father, and I don’t even know you.
My father taught me through his words and deeds that men are cold, emotionless, inconsiderate, filthy, rude, self-centered jerks. Fortunately, I found out that was wrong. I know lots of men who are fine husbands and daddies and who have earned their kids’ respect. My father is not among them.
I don’t hate my father; he just never chose to develop a warm fatherly relationship with me – or any relationship, for that matter. As I said, he was a guy who lived in the house. I feel no connection to him whatsoever. My take on it is that he reaps what he has sown. I’m a smart, funny, interesting person that any father should be proud of; if he has pushed me away by his behavior (whether intentionally or simply cluelessly), that’s just his too bad.
