Cutting your parent(s) out of your life

[zev_steinhardt]

Well, I’m not here to judge you Scarlett67. Everyone, in the end, has to make the decision on how to relate to their parents, be it for the better or worse. I can understand the reasons that you made the choice that you did, and wish your father’s behavior hadn’t made it necessary.

You are correct in that you reap what you sow and that parents who put more of an effort into raising their children do (generally) get more out of the relationship when the children grow up. It’s a shame that you and your father couldn’t have a better relationship.

But, nonetheless, assuming that he is not presently hurting you now, I will maintain that he deserves a modicum of respect, even if that only entails nothing more than a “Hi!” once in a while over the phone or even simply keeping a civil tongue during a family get together.
And, by the way, thank you very much for the kind words. It’s nice to know that you’re well thought-of.

Zev Steinhardt

[trishdish]

Over time, I’ve come to the realization that my mother is not mentally well. Throughout my childhood, she introduced into my life many unstable, abusive, alcoholic men - none of which were my biological father. I think my mother always needed a man in her life. I never understood precisely why - since the guys she picked were complete losers and she would’ve been better off alone.

When I was 11/12, we moved from our small town to live with my aunt and her live in boyfriend in another city. All things considered, now that I look back on the situation, it was an incredibly generous thing for my aunt to do. And even more so, the boyfriend. The idea was that my mother would get a job, save some money, get a car and eventually get her own place. What happened was my mom met a guy and decided that she wanted to move to California with him - and me in tow.

When we moved in with my aunt, I had been yanked from my elementary school in the middle of the 6th grade and I’d left friends I’d had since kindergarten. I had just started to make a few new friends at my new school and was about to move into middle school. When she told me that she was moving to California and made the assumption I was going with her, I said no. I refused to go. I told her that she had a choice - she could move to California without me or she could stay here with me.

She chose to move to California. And with that choice, she decided that I would no longer have contact with her ever again. I’ve spoken and seen my mother twice in 20 years - once when my grandmother died and once when she called me out of the blue about 3 years ago. She was not invited to my wedding and I haven’t informed her that I’m pregnant.

She and I never had a normal relationship. I was always the parent and she was always the child. Even as a little kid, I knew the things my mother was doing were completely messed up. I remember my frustration with her inability to see that she was not the victim and that she was the creator of her messed up life…and I was only 7!!

I was very lucky that I had a network of supportive family members to take me in and raise me. I ended up living with my aunt permanently and eventually the live in boyfriend became my uncle. Although, I think at the time even a foster home would’ve even been a better option than staying with my mother. I’m quite convinced I know the road I was headed down had I stayed with her - I would’ve probably been sexually abused by one of her boyfriends and I probably would’ve ended up a runaway.

Do I have any regrets that I have no relationship with my mother and don’t want to have one?

No.

I used to feel sorry for myself and wish that I’d had some sort of Norman Rockwell type of family life but I’ve come to the realization that those types of families really don’t exist.

Do I feel like I owe my mother my respect and love? Definitely not. Yes, she gave birth to me and ultimately, she is my mother. But, I feel I owe her absolutely nothing. Now that I have my own child growing in inside of me and know the feelings of protectiveness over this child that I already have, I can’t imagine ever abandoning him/her the way my mother did.

I have no anger towards my mother or my childhood. The past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is make the best life I possibly can for myself and for my family - the family that now consists of my husband, myself and our soon to be child. But, I also feel that my life is too short to populate it with toxic people.

I know one day I will have to answer the questions of my own children as to why I don’t have a relationship with my mother. And I have to prepare myself for the day that she ends up on my doorstep, and she will, and what I will do when that day comes. It will be the hardest day of my life because I will either have to close the door on her or I will have to decide to embrace her and forgive her.

I really don’t look forward to that day.

[zev_steinhardt]

*Originally posted by PunditLisa *
**
People who make blanket statements “You owe your parents your love.” should know that my mom and aunt used to think so, too. **

You can’t “owe” someone love. You either love them or you don’t.

You do, however, owe your parents some respect for the work that they put into you. The amount, of course, depends on the amount of work, love and attention that they gave you growing up.

Zev Steinhardt

[trishdish]

*Originally posted by zev_steinhardt *
**You can’t “owe” someone love. You either love them or you don’t.

You do, however, owe your parents some respect for the work that they put into you. The amount, of course, depends on the amount of work, love and attention that they gave you growing up.

Zev Steinhardt **

I’ve always been of the opinion that you only get respect if you’ve earned it.

[zev_steinhardt]

*Originally posted by trishdish *
**I’ve always been of the opinion that you only get respect if you’ve earned it. **

Agreed. And my position is that by dint of the work they put into you as a child, they have earned it.

Of course, again, I’m not talking about child molesters, people who abandon their children, etc. Even less-than-ideal parents deserve a modicum of respect by the fact that they’ve earned it by the work they put into their children. The more work, the more love, the more attention: the more respect, which is usually how it works out.

Zev Steinhardt

[dorkusmalorkusmafia]

Zev, I must respectfully disagree with you. I know where your opinions of respect are coming from and it is great that you are following them. However, the only reason I seem respectful when I see either of my parents is out of respect for polite society, it has nothing to do with them. I don’t want to cause a scene telling them about how bad they were as people let alone parents and just let things slide until I get away as quickly as I can. I haven’t seen either of them in years. I don’t miss them. I don’t call them. I don’t speak on the phone with them if they call (in fact my mother is on call block, my father never calls) and I won’t ever pursue a relationship with them.

My grandparents whom I lived with a lot longer than my parents, I consider my real parents. My grandfather is senile and my grandmother has been dead for quite some time. I would show them respect but not the people who seemingly abandoned me whenever it was convenient for them for the majority of my childhood life.

[trishdish]

*Originally posted by zev_steinhardt *
**Agreed. And my position is that by dint of the work they put into you as a child, they have earned it.

Of course, again, I’m not talking about child molesters, people who abandon their children, etc. Even less-than-ideal parents deserve a modicum of respect by the fact that they’ve earned it by the work they put into their children. The more work, the more love, the more attention: the more respect, which is usually how it works out.

Zev Steinhardt **

I still think you can go through the motions - put food on the table, pay the bills, keep a roof over a child’s head, and if you are an emotionally distant, cold person, you probably won’t garner a lot of love and respect out of your child.

I think most children do feel that they “owe” their parents something. It’s like that study with the little rhesus monkeys. Even the monkeys who were given cloth mommies who shocked the baby monkey when he touched her, the baby monkey would still go back and try to cling to his “mommy”.
Respect goes both ways. It’s very hard to have respect for a person who never really respected you and your feelings and needs.

[zev_steinhardt]

*Originally posted by dorkusmalorkusmafia *
**Zev, I must respectfully disagree with you. I know where your opinions of respect are coming from and it is great that you are following them. However, the only reason I seem respectful when I see either of my parents is out of respect for polite society, it has nothing to do with them. I don’t want to cause a scene telling them about how bad they were as people let alone parents and just let things slide until I get away as quickly as I can. I haven’t seen either of them in years. I don’t miss them. I don’t call them. I don’t speak on the phone with them if they call (in fact my mother is on call block, my father never calls) and I won’t ever pursue a relationship with them.

**

Well, considering the fact that they abandoned you (as per your next paragraph), I would agree that you don’t owe them anything.

**
My grandparents whom I lived with a lot longer than my parents, I consider my real parents. My grandfather is senile and my grandmother has been dead for quite some time. I would show them respect but not the people who seemingly abandoned me whenever it was convenient for them for the majority of my childhood life. **

In that case, I would, for purposes of this conversation, consider your grandparents as your parents (as you do). When I say that one owes parents respect (even if not ideal parents), I am, of course, talking about those that raised you, not your biological parents.

Zev Steinhardt

[Velma]

*Originally posted by nogginhead *
**This sounds so much like my life it’s hard to believe.

Thanks, Velma, on behalf of your husband, for being such a supportive spouse. (My wife is, also.) And thanks for sharing with me today. **

You’re welcome. Feel free to e-mail me (it’s in my profile) if you ever want to talk about it more. Sometimes it helps just to have someone know what it’s like.

[zev_steinhardt]

*Originally posted by trishdish *
**I still think you can go through the motions - put food on the table, pay the bills, keep a roof over a child’s head, and if you are an emotionally distant, cold person, you probably won’t garner a lot of love and respect out of your child.

**

Of course not. A parent-child relationship (like any other) is reciprocal. The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it. If you are cold and distant to your children, then you will not have an ideal relationship with them as adults, even if you do put food on the table, put a roff over their heads, etc. But that still doesn’t negate the good that the parent did in providing those benefits.

**
Respect goes both ways. It’s very hard to have respect for a person who never really respected you and your feelings and needs. **

I can certainly understand those sentiments. My father did not respect certain choices that I made when I was younger, and it cost both of us dearly. It was only as a adult (and moreso when I became a parent myself) that I got a much different perspective on parent-child relationships.

Zev Steinhardt

[Scarlett67]

*Originally posted by zev_steinhardt *
But, nonetheless, assuming that he is not presently hurting you now, I will maintain that he deserves a modicum of respect, even if that only entails nothing more than a “Hi!” once in a while over the phone or even simply keeping a civil tongue during a family get together.

I “respect” him as much as I might respect any stranger on the street – I don’t cuss him out, but I don’t go out of my way to be in his presence. If he answers the phone, I say “Hi, is Mom there?” and he says yes or no, and then I either talk to her or say, “OK, I’ll call back later. Bye.” On a few occasions I have had something to speak to him directly about, or a question that he could answer as well as my mother, and then I stick to the facts and get off the phone. We don’t chat.

At family gatherings I avoid him as much as possible – easier the bigger the gathering. Mr. S, bless his heart, has taken it upon himself to run interference by engaging him in conversation – no easy task, as my dad can be quite a blowhard and can cluelessly go on and on about topics that fascinate him but clearly bore the listener.

My mother is constantly giving me pictures of him (with her); it bothers her that I do not display any pictures of him in my house, but I refuse to decorate my home with images of people I don’t like, not even to please my mother. I put them in a drawer. I do not burn them or deface them, either.

Ideally, if God forbid my mother dies first, I’d never have to deal with him again. But realistically I imagine that I’ll end up handling his affairs for him, because I already do such things to some degree when my parents travel, and my sister is a twit about finances and such. Responsible oldest kid, that’s me. :dubious:

[In_Conceivable]

*Originally posted by zev_steinhardt *
**However, even those parents that are “less-than-ideal” still invest care and time and effort into their children and, at the very least, should have that fact acknowledged with a modicum of respect.

Zev Steinhardt **

If by modicum of respect you mean being polite and not yelling at them in the street then I agree with you. If you mean visiting at Christmas, calling once a week and inviting them to your wedding then I disagree.

And I so hate to disagree with you Zeb because I do respect you.

[In_Conceivable]

:smack: Zev not Zeb! I guess I don’t respect you enough to spell your name right!

[zev_steinhardt]

*Originally posted by In Conceivable *
**If by modicum of respect you mean being polite and not yelling at them in the street then I agree with you. If you mean visiting at Christmas, calling once a week and inviting them to your wedding then I disagree.

**

I absolutely mean the former. As for the latter, if things are really bad, then I don’t know that “once a week” is necessary, but once in a while would be nice (even if it’s just a Christmas card in December).

**
And I so hate to disagree with you Zeb because I do respect you. **

Thank you, but feel free to disagree. I never believed that I was right all the time (although I wish I was!)

Zev Steinhardt

[zev_steinhardt]

Actually, I’d just like to clarify my last statement.

Parents, by raising their children, put work and effort into them. Some put in more work, effort, attention and love and others put in less. The amount that the parent puts in is what they get out of it. However, (again, barring child abusers, etc.), then I feel that even if they did the bare minimums, they’ve earned the respect necessary to be acknowledged once in a while, even if it’s no more than a card at Christmas, or a call once in a while.

Zev Steinhardt

[Scarlett67]

So a bag of flaming dog poo on the doorstep on Christmas morning is right out, then?

[zev_steinhardt]

*Originally posted by Scarlett67 *
**So a bag of flaming dog poo on the doorstep on Christmas morning is right out, then? **

Well, it’s OK if they like flaming dog poo

Zev Steinhardt

[lel]

Zev (and everyone else), out of curiosity, would you also agree that if the child acknowledges the parent, that there is an expectation that the parent acknowledge the child in return, or was the fact that they raised the child and provided basic material needs sufficient? (For example, if the child sends a Christmas card, send one back; if the child calls once a month, call them back as often as they call you.)

[leander]

Could someone please give me a definite equation on how much respect is “owed” to parents vis-a-vis love shown, emotional abuse, physical abuse, etc? Don’t forget all the exceptions, of course. Come on, let’s break this down into massive generalizations.

I mean, it’s not like relationships between parents and children are incredibly complicated and unique. I’m sure culture, religion, socio-economic forces (along with a slew of others) have nothing to do with anything. Not to mention the loving attributes past down from generation to generation. Or the simple fact that all relationships are different and all people are unique.

Forget the books written, the histories told, the difficulties some of mankind’s greatest writers, shrinks, sociologists, and thinkers have had with this issue.

Let’s just sum it up nice and neat in a simple SDMB post. Because apparently some of you have all the answers.

:rolleyes:

[tanookie]

I cut my father out of my life after finally finding the courage to share with my husband the darkest secret of my life. My father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive from as far back as my memories go he was hurting me somehow. If he ever comes near me ever I will call 911 and have him arrested. I owe him nothing. There is no fathomable way a man can be forgiven for teaching his 12 year old child that demons will come and kill her if she doesn’t submit to daddy’s sick fantasies. That’s just one example of the loveliness that was my childhood.

My mother I still talk to (parents are divorced) but we have a very strained relationship and I often want to cut her off too. She let all of this go on! She knew because she walked in on him naked atop me and she didn’t do anything about it. I try to see her as one of my father’s victims also but she is still trying to pretend it was no big deal. scream

All relationships require commitment from both sides and mutual love/respect… I can’t imagine this decision as easy because it isnt and it can be hard to get others to understand. Ultimately it is your life and you need people in it that are healthy for you.

I have my own daughter now and there’s no way this remorseless cretin will ever get near her.