Dad up and died and left me to deal with my mom's Alzheimer's. I need so much advice

Never got to throw down on the word “baubles” before…also I spelled it right the first time out of the gate.

This post is to apologize for all the typos and junk wording above. I’m not in a editorial mode.

I cannot wait to hitch my wagon to this dreamboat’s star.

…she’s not even a dreamboat, my dreams were inadequate.

Good luck at the neurologist appointment. I hope you get some relief. Your wedding day should be painless! :slight_smile:

It sounds like you have the home security all set. Good for you! And kudos on getting Mom pretty new duds for the big day. I hope you’re patting yourself on the back for each of these ideas and accomplishments.

As for the pills…gotta say, I’m a little worried. Allow me to explain why. My sister hid the car keys from her DH when the dementia got bad enough. She said he’d never find them and besides, she was a light sleeper. One day she woke up at 5 a.m. to find him and the car gone. He’d left his cell phone and wallet at home. She was worried sick. The cops were wonderful. Luckily, he stopped at a local hotel, and the owner recognized the dementia, got his name (He still remembered.), and let him have a room. Then she called my sister’s landline.

The scary part is that the car’s tank was full the day before, and now it was empty. The car had mud all over it. He thought he was in Galveston, TX, 4 hours from their town. Nobody knows where he’d been or what he went through.

After that, my sister got a lockbox. The moral of the story is, “Tactics work until they don’t.” My sister was positive her DH wouldn’t leave the house without her and would never find the keys. Wrong and wrong.

Seriously, please get the pills into a more secure location. Maybe your mom won’t find them where they are, but if she does and takes too many, you’ll never forgive yourself.

And no need to apologize for typos. You’ve got a lot on your mind!

If @nelliebly will allow, I heartily echo her advice. Get a lockbox with a combination lock and stash all meds (hers AND yours) in it. Ideally, don’t let your mom see that her meds are in it so she doesn’t waste energy or peace of mind trying to ‘get my pills’.

Loved your description of finding her an outfit worthy of the special day.

A post was merged into an existing topic: RangerLoops troll posts

What happened here? I’m confused and a bit worried.

@carnut : The “split topic”? A sock reappeared here late last night, and posted trollish stuff on a bunch of threads, before he (and his posts) could be cornfielded by a moderator (who moved all of the offending posts into one thread before removing it). See this thread for explanation:

Thank you @kenobi_65

Yeah, there was some pretty reprehensible stuff. The sock/troll said horrible stuff on this thread. I was worried Dr.Colossus would see and get upset, but the mods were swift and efficient, so no worries.

Thanks for the info, I wondered too. Indeed I did not see any of the troll content.

I’m kind of taking a break from the computer as much as I can as we prepare for this weekend. I’ll update when I have some time.

Take all the time you need and have a wonderful wedding.

Have a wonderful wedding! We’ll be here when you have the time and inclination to post. :wedding: :confetti_ball: :champagne:

Have a great day and enjoy your wedding…Congratulations!!

Fourthing, or whatever.

Best wishes on your wedding!

I’m mostly just venting, so don’t start scrambling to find me some answers. Also I’ve ran down about every avenue I can think but I’m just turning up empty.

There is, apparently not a single agency or association or business who can watch/keep or stay with mom.

EVERY SINGLE PLACE I have called has punted me off to someone else. Many of them are pushing me off on several other people.

My State Agency on Aging shrugged and gave me the number to the NATIONAL ALZ hotline, who I called AND THEY TOLD ME TO CALL MY LOCAL AGENCY ON AGING.

I have been told the agency I need has been shut down.

What’s more, all the info my APS agent gave me is useless and/or just simply not true. Nothing malicious, they just throw names and numbers and don’t quite have the details straight. Stuff like “oh she gets free legal aid so make sure your lawyer knows.” NO, she can call Legal Aid for a free consultation, not even remotely the same thing. Again, well intended but she gave me a list of respite centers and none of them do that. One of them, called [My State] Foundation gives you a list of “press this or that number” and every single number says it’s invalid. “Press 0 to speak to the front desk. Zero is not a valid entry…”

I tried Visiting Angels and Home Instead–both of them said they needs weeks ahead to do assessments and none of them do short-duration, there’s week(s) long minimums.

Same with in-patient facilities.

Every single place I have called is a dead end. I’ve called all the offices our agent gave us, then called all the agencies they told me to call. There simply does not exist any possible solution to me GETTING MY WEDDING NIGHT ALONE other than me just finding someone I trust and paying them. And I had someone lined out, but they have turned ill and I’m worried about them even staying alive much longer.

As if all of this wasn’t aggravating enough, mom is just the worst the last few days. I mean she’s the worst of all worlds–she’s remembering enough to be mad and upset but can’t remember enough for us to be able to find a solution. She’s super bent out of shape I won’t leave her alone after my wedding. She’s angry and demanding things, like she keeps demanding to get in the car and just leave. I can’t explain anything in any manner that isn’t upsetting. When I tell her I have an APS case open against me and that dad many years ago assigned me as her guardian, how I can’t just “let her go” do anything because I’m responsible for her safety, that just makes her feel like she has no control or any say so. I legitimately do not know how to handle it, because this all started because she’s indignant she can’t be alone. There’s no excuse good enough for why someone else needs to be here. She’s mad the doctors won’t tell her anything (they have) and even when she reads their paperwork, she just shuts down. She keeps asking why dad would have let this go so long without her knowing…

ALZ is fucked up enough just by the nature of it. The fact that NO ONE wants to touch an ALZ patient without a long pole and a hazmat suit and a million months notice just proves what an impossible disease this is. Even the places I’ve called who list “Memory Care” on their sites balk when I tell them she can’t remember she can’t remember. “Oh we’re not set up to handle that…”

All I know is at some point in my life I’ve clearly upset a witch.

She’s clearly upset that you try so hard as a son and her son didn’t. She senses your stress level and that raises hers. Deep breath. Onward.

That is so sweet. :heart_eyes:

If you want suggestions, please let us know. Otherwise, best wishes and felicitations on your nuptials! May you have many happy years together.

That is pretty much the definition of Alzheimer’s.

Any chance you could ask her pastor if there is a kind soul there who would stay with her for 24 hours so you could have your wedding night and brunch alone with your bride? Nothing embarrassing about offering to pay that person either. If it was a face she knew from church maybe that would be more palatable to her.

Or if someone has said “what would you like for a wedding present?”, call them and ask them to stay overnight with your mom.

If I wasn’t a 7 hour drive away I’d do it in a heartbeat.

She’s probably subliminally picking up on the changes in her environment brought on by your impeding nuptials but isn’t able to articulate that. This too shall pass. In the mean time keep all car keys secure and far away from the usual places.

It’s going to be ok. Somehow, some way, we’ll figure it out. I solve problems. That’s what I damn do.

I have an old high school acquaintance going to see about pulling some strings. Maybe we will get 3 days away at the cabin after all. Who knows, we’ll see.

I feel like this whole thread is an ongoing pity party (it’s my party and I’ll die if I want to!) so I skipped my neuro stuff, but I have a severely inflamed nerve set off by that super stress cluster headache over a week ago, manifesting many trigger points in my neck, back, shoulder and under my collar bone. It’s exacerbated by my INTENSE jaw clenching in my sleep (I have ground my teeth into these flat horseshoes. I’ve not been able to wear my sleep bit because of that wicked extraction. If you really want some insight into my mind ask about my nightly nightmares…). So that’s just a loop of misery. I’m now on muscle relaxers and splurged today and bought a triggerpoint massage gun. So help me BY GOD I will ENJOY myself ON THE WEDDING DAY. I will beat this nerve into submission.

Speaking of The Wedding Day–I had this thought in the shower: I had a tacit, loose arrangement with my nephew to help bring my mom back from the wedding and situate her where ever we settled on. The night of the big “tell-me-off” from his wife (on behalf of the other cowards) she made mention that none of them will be going to the wedding (aka deliberately to make my mom another problem for me). She mentioned “why would (brother) help you when he’s not even invited to your wedding?”

This says so much to me: why WOULD the eldest son want to see his grieving mother in the hardest time of her life UNLESS it was transactionally beneficial to him??

This speak volumes to their intent, especially coupled with (bozo’s) last text that only read: “I can’t help with mom.”

I said “ok no problem I’ll figure something out” but then I realized that was a blanket statement moving forward: He will be no help from here on.

When I think about how I’m under investigation, and how I have to defend myself from all this bullshit and PROVE I’m not stealing money, handing over bank statements–having my garbage sifted through–every time I send a new document she goes “ok I’ll add it to the case file.”

Ok I think we need to have some of these texts in the case file, too. They PROVE none of them wanted to EVER or were EVER WILLING to help out or care for mom or interested in her well-being. They attacked me from the get-go and leveraged their grievances against THE GUILT of not having to help out–why would they help an asshole like me?? But they played their hand: they said in writing that they don’t care about seeing or helping mom, and their reason is because FUCK (ME). Know what I mean? It’s all personal attacks on me, and mom is just a pawn they are using to attack me.

I feel like this is relevant, it exists in writing, and I think it should be part of my case file.

Or maybe I’m just pounding sand.

The myofascial gun thing is defo a household necessity. I ran it over mom’s shoulders and found SO MANY KNOTS. She has to fix her hunch. I bark at her to stand up and stretch but I think this will be a great thing for me and her both.