Dad's Surgery - My Dilemma (Long, Need Advice)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am perplexed. I have a decision to make, and I need to make it quickly, but it’s not that sort of decision.

See, Dad is having (quadruple) heart bypass surgery next Tuesday. It’s been dragging on since May/June, and they finally resolved everything they wanted to before scheduling the surgery. I have been insisting (over his comments that it’s not necessary) that I intend to be there for the surgery. But that was back in May/June.

Now, we’ve had $1500 - $2000 worth of car repairs we’ve had to pony up; we’ve run up the credit cards over the summer so that the one I normally use is maxed out, and I’m having to take my daugher to a out of network psychiatrist because I couldn’t find one I’d trust in network - and the initial visit was $250.

Airline tickets are running about $500-600, although occasionally I can find something in the $450 range, but I’ll also need to rent a car, so there’s another $200 for the week. The only thing I won’t have to pay for is lodging, but as it is, I can’t see how I’ll have ANY spending money at all, even if we figure out how to pinch the credit cards until they scream.

If I don’t go next week for the surgery, I might go down in a couple weeks (during which time we can put a dent in the credit cards enough to make them temporarily usable) since he’ll still be in the hospital/rehab. I’m just afraid that if I’m not there for the surgery, and something goes wrong, I’ll hate myself. Oh, and my stepmother is having an outpatient surgery on Friday after my Dad’s surgery, too, so I know she could use the help, and/or feel relieved that someone else is with him while she’s indisposed.

My husband keeps saying to ask Dad to pay for the plane ticket, which I’m not comfortable with. I speak Dad, and when he says “You don’t need to come”, it translates to “I don’t want you to see me in a weakened condition”, so if I go, it has to be on my own. A co-worker offered to pick up the ticket for me, and I can pay her back over time, but I’m not comfortable with that, no matter how generous an offer it is.

I don’t know what to do - do I put my family in a financially precarious position by wrangling finances to get there next week, or do I hold off until the finances are slightly more stable and risk something happening that I can’t ever forgive myself for?

Rock, meet hard place. Hard place, meet rock.

*If this should be in MPSIMS, please move it there. I put it here because I was asking advice. *

2

I would borrow from the co-worker. I can see not wanting to borrow from dad (my dad is the same way about surgeries) but … will you hate yourself more for borrowing from a co-worker, or not being there if something goes wrong?

I am pretty sure you’d be more upset in the long-run for not being there.

3

Does your company have offices there? Maybe they could send you there to do some training or deliver something? “And while you’re there, be sure to look in on your father.”

4

Go.

5

Borrow the money, but I’d wait to go until he’s home, when they will need your help. This is me speaking as an old person, who doesn’t like hospital visitors either, not even close family.

6

Go.

Aim to be there the night before the surgery so that if something delays the flight, you’re still there the day of surgery.

You don’t have to actually visit him while he’s pre&post op if he doesn’t want it, but you damn sure want to be there in the hospital in case the worst happens.

If (og forbid) something *does *happen, it doesn’t matter if you were in the plane on the way there, at home packing to visit next week, or 30 minutes away checking into your hotel room - *you weren’t there. *

It’s sounding like being there is important to you.

Listen to your gut, do what needs to be done, and get there.

Once it’s all over, you can work out where to cut expenses over time to get things paid back down.

7

Seconded.

Two thoughts: While you’re there, you could do some meal prep - make stuff and freeze it for them to eat while they’re both under the weather. Also, could you use your father’s car while you’re there? It’s a safe bet he won’t be able to drive, and that would save you the rental car cost.

8

Let your coworker loan you the money. If she couldn’t do it, or wasn’t willing to do it, she wouldn’t have offered; and she may feel that being able to help you is a blessing to her as well as to you.
I’m always really, really happy to help my friends out when I can. It reminds me that we’re all in this world together, and I do believe in the positive power of generosity.

9

Is he saying you shouldn’t come because he doesn’t want you to see him like that, or because he doesn’t want to be a bother?

It sounds like it’s very important to you to be there. Go. If you’ll never forgive yourself if you’re not there in case, you need to be there.

10

How far away are your parents? Would it be cheaper to drive instead of flying if they are close enough to drive it in 24 hours?

11

I vote go. And I vote to take your co-worker up on the offer…especially if you think the co-worker can afford it.

And I vote that the surgery goes well. Oh…I guess I don’t get a vote in that one…so I’ll just wish it.

-D/a

12

My mother is currently in the hospital and experiencing an extremely difficult recovery from a complex surgery and my vote is “go and get there however you can”.

I promise you that being present is worth any cost.

13

Absolutely. When I have offered to do something like this for a friend it was as much for me as for them, to be able to feel useful, like I was somehow earning my keep in the world.

14

Borrow the money. Go.

15

I’m in Indianapolis, they’re in Austin TX. It’s driveable, but I’m not sure either of our cars can make it.

16

You realize that by not accepting help from your coworker, you’re not being gracious, you’re being an ass. Accepting help is just as much a part of the social contract as giving it. People who are always willing to help others but will never take help for themselves are not really being generous and helpful, they just want to place themselves in a dominant position over others.

What I’m trying to say is: get over yourself, take the money and go. Screw your “comfort”.

17

I was in a similar situation when my dad had brain surgery. I put the cost on credit cards and went. I don’t regret it.

For me, it was more my mum saying ‘don’t come’ than my dad. Well, he didn’t really get a say in it, because he was in pretty poor shape and this was due to an accident so the timeframes were much shorter.

I kept her company whilst dad was in surgery. We went for a walk outside, we sat by the river, we people-watched. When we both came back to the ward and were told dad was out of surgery, I gave her an hour with him before I went through to say hi. The first thing my mum said to me was ‘I’m glad you were here. I needed you.’

18

At this point, I’m probably going but under my own credit cards, etc. The coworker who offered to pick up the plane ticket is awesome, but she’s not someone I regularly socialize with outside the office, so that’s my hesitation there. However, I haven’t turned her down just yet. My husband & I are going to have a long talk tonight about things.

19

I don’t agree with this at all - I don’t accept help from people I don’t really socialize with, either. I would thank her graciously for her offer but decline, since this would make a really weird situation for me. A loan from the company you work for would be one thing; a personal loan from a co-worker would be another.

Or maybe I’ve just watched too much “Judge Judy” with people borrowing and lending money back and forth and ending up in court. :slight_smile:

20

I inferred a closer relationship between the OP and the co-worker than seems to be the case. I read her, in a moment of sleepless irritation, as one of those infuriating people who refuse all help from family or friends, no matter how needed, because they have “pride” or some such manure. That appears to not be the case, and I apologize if my tone was badly calibrated.