When I was still but a wee young’un, healing a freshly tonsilectomized throat, my mother rented me Moonraker. I saw the light that day. Drax represented everything I ever wanted to become and I knew that I could never, ever rest until I had the world under the dirty sole of my brand new velcro shoe.
It was a long and painful training. I started by making babies cry and cheating on eye exams, and slowly made my way up the echelons of heartless evil misanthropy. By the age of 20, I was investing in Microsoft.
I have recently aquired a large amount of money through a heaven-sent business deal with the son of a departed Nigerian general. It’s quite a lofty sum. Though I’m still waiting for the deal to be completely finalized, I decided to go ahead and buy a few items that should come handy when my [sub]secret plan[/sub] enters “pase 3”. You see, a good friend of my Nigerian business partner can get me a sweet deal on premium-quality Iraqi weapon-grade uranium. For a little bit more, he’ll even throw in some super-evil anthrax. And a few aluminum cylinders - what they’re for, I don’t know, but they’re free, so, hey. That’s not a chance I can pass up.
You’d expect otherwise, but surprisingly enough, most advanced weapons of mass evil destruction are of the build-it-yourself variety. There’s just not much off the shelf material. At least not anymore, these days. So when I get my shipment of evil uranium, I have to somehow cram it into that invisible scud I bought earlier this year.
This is much, much easier said than done. You’d think a shovel and a screwdriver would suffice. Ha! just goes to show you: you need a lot more than that. You need high-tech equipment. You need an evil computer.
I was going to buy a mac, as they’re kinda cute, but they’re not very evil, so instead I hopped over Dell’s website.
I thus order myself a blayzin’ Pentium 4 machine. Truly a beast worthy of World Dominators. As I am filling out a seemingly endless number of text fields, drop-down menus, check boxes and radio buttons, the follow question comes up:
“Do you plan to use the selected product for the development of nuclear or biological weapons?”
Knowing that the membership of the Club of World Dominators is quite limited, I was surprised that Dell offered special treatment for its members. I checked ‘yes’.
I shouldn’t have.
Somehow this was a trap. I’ve now got FBI agents (what in the hell are they doing in Japan anyway) knocking at my door, and I think those helicopters in the distance are headed my way. I cannot over-stress that this is a MAJOR setback in my plans.
So now, not only do I have to wait another two weeks for my computer to ship, I have to contend with imminent “liberation” of my property by the United States of America.
My time being short, I will say this: damn you to hell Dell!!! You lied, you deceiving scum! You set up a disingenious trap for the likes of me to fall into! I pray to God that Karma will bite you back in the ass. Deceiver. :mad: