Damn you Dell! You foiled my plans for World domination!!!

When I was still but a wee young’un, healing a freshly tonsilectomized throat, my mother rented me Moonraker. I saw the light that day. Drax represented everything I ever wanted to become and I knew that I could never, ever rest until I had the world under the dirty sole of my brand new velcro shoe.

It was a long and painful training. I started by making babies cry and cheating on eye exams, and slowly made my way up the echelons of heartless evil misanthropy. By the age of 20, I was investing in Microsoft.

I have recently aquired a large amount of money through a heaven-sent business deal with the son of a departed Nigerian general. It’s quite a lofty sum. Though I’m still waiting for the deal to be completely finalized, I decided to go ahead and buy a few items that should come handy when my [sub]secret plan[/sub] enters “pase 3”. You see, a good friend of my Nigerian business partner can get me a sweet deal on premium-quality Iraqi weapon-grade uranium. For a little bit more, he’ll even throw in some super-evil anthrax. And a few aluminum cylinders - what they’re for, I don’t know, but they’re free, so, hey. That’s not a chance I can pass up.

You’d expect otherwise, but surprisingly enough, most advanced weapons of mass evil destruction are of the build-it-yourself variety. There’s just not much off the shelf material. At least not anymore, these days. So when I get my shipment of evil uranium, I have to somehow cram it into that invisible scud I bought earlier this year.

This is much, much easier said than done. You’d think a shovel and a screwdriver would suffice. Ha! just goes to show you: you need a lot more than that. You need high-tech equipment. You need an evil computer.

I was going to buy a mac, as they’re kinda cute, but they’re not very evil, so instead I hopped over Dell’s website.

I thus order myself a blayzin’ Pentium 4 machine. Truly a beast worthy of World Dominators. As I am filling out a seemingly endless number of text fields, drop-down menus, check boxes and radio buttons, the follow question comes up:

“Do you plan to use the selected product for the development of nuclear or biological weapons?”

Knowing that the membership of the Club of World Dominators is quite limited, I was surprised that Dell offered special treatment for its members. I checked ‘yes’.

I shouldn’t have.

Somehow this was a trap. I’ve now got FBI agents (what in the hell are they doing in Japan anyway) knocking at my door, and I think those helicopters in the distance are headed my way. I cannot over-stress that this is a MAJOR setback in my plans.

So now, not only do I have to wait another two weeks for my computer to ship, I have to contend with imminent “liberation” of my property by the United States of America.

My time being short, I will say this: damn you to hell Dell!!! You lied, you deceiving scum! You set up a disingenious trap for the likes of me to fall into! I pray to God that Karma will bite you back in the ass. Deceiver. :mad:

‘Q4. Will the product(s) be used in connection with weapons of mass destruction, i.e. nuclear applications, missile technology, or chemical or biological weapons purposes?’

joy :slight_smile: sheer ridiculous joy :slight_smile:

So does this mean if you work in a fireworks factory, or as a pest exterminator, you can’t use Dell computers?

“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

Its about as silly as the form new immigrants are asked to sign saying they promise not to bomb the country or be a terrorist. As if they would refuse to sign it…

I dunno, I think a Dell pre-loaded with Windows already qualifies as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Where do you think all those computer viruses come from? :wink:

I’m confused, did they really ask that on the website?

They most certainly did.

On the order form they mailed to me there is the text (roughly translated from Japanese):

Looks like I just bought myself strategic information. You’d think in this day and age that America and Japan would be a bit more careful about giving away their strategic information. Apparently not. (I suppose, that the clever terrorist trap mentioned above took care of all potential wrong-doers, though.)

So, your machine doesn’t come with Easy-Anthrax-Creator or Norton’s Neutron Bomb Utilities? Man. And Dell seemed to be on the right track for evil.

From your link:

Does this mean that if I upgrade the motherboard, the nuclear plant down the road is going to blow up? My god, I won’t have to wait for that Iraqi uranium after all!

No but seriously, I can’t wait for that bundled strategic information. I wonder what format it’s in… pdf?