This will be an exercise in futility, since the moment is long past, but let’s have fun with it anyway. We’ve all been at a loss for words, and some of us fret over those times, devising a pithy comeback long after the fact, or wondering if there is a “best” thing to say for the situation. I can think of two events in my life, and I’ll relate the most recent. Feel free to give me that snappy retort, even tho I can’t use it. And feel free to share your personal brain-fart moments.
I work for an organization of about 4000 people. Secretaries tend to transfer from one division to another over the course of their years here, until they quit or retire. Our last secretary, J, took an opening that gave her better parking and a bit more job security (rumors were running that our division’s secretaries would be contractors soon) and it took a while for her replacement to arrive. When the new secretary, L, started, J came back for a day of indoctrination and introductions.
They came to my cubicle, and J did the introductions. L said to me, “I’ve heard about you.” That was it. No elaboration.
I think my response was, “Oh?” Yeah, I’m quite the conversationalist, all right.
Lines I considered too late:
[ul]Who’s been talking?
Lies, they’re all lies!
Thanks. I know nothing about you.
So’s your mom!![/ul]
I know, it’s a sad list. And I’m still not sure how I could have responded to that better. So, here’s you chance - tell me what I should have said. I can’t very well go to L and use your suggestions, but I’ll be ready if it ever happens again.
“I heard about you too, but your secret’s safe with me.”
“Damn! I thought I got rid of all the witnesses.”
“That’s the last thing your predecessor said.”
“Well, our Christmas parties do get kind of wild.”
“So would you like some copies of Watchtower then?”
“I only do that because the aliens tell me to.”
The other incident that left me speechless:
1978 in OCS. I was single and not going with anyone. Four of us went out one weekend - my roomie Barb, Dale (our company commander), Sherman (a fellow Boilermaker), and me. By way of background, I babysat for Sherman and his wife, so I knew him pretty well. He was a very gentle, quiet man with a slightly receding hairline.
We were in a club having drinks and talking - just relaxing after a week of playing Navy. Since Sherman and I were from the same school, I had no problem ragging on him. So I informed the other two that his hairline looked the way it did because when he was stumped in class, he’d smack his forehead and go “Duh, I dunno!”
Yeah, a stupid joke, but Dale and Barb collapsed in laughter and I sat there smirking. Sherman had been toying with the marischino cherry he held by its stem. He looked at the cherry, looked at me, then said “I’ll trade ya.”
At that point, there was nothing I could do but laugh uncontrollably, as did the other two. Sherman sat there with his quiet grin, knowing he’d shut me up. He’s the only man to zing me into a retortless state.
To this day, I don’t know what I could have said in response, short of a wimpy “Think you’re man enough?”
