Is there some reason you specify that it’s a poor excuse for a man to make these excuses, rather than a poor excuse for a person or adult or other non-gendered phrase? Or why you used the phrase “no man at all”? That’s where people are getting the misogynistic vibe from.
See, once you start talking gender, we sociologically really only have the two categories for adult humans–men and women. If an adult is NOT one of them, then that person must therefore be the other. And if your criteria is that the person in question is not fit for the one category because of a specific trait, the obvious inference is that you associate that trait with the other category. When you are actively contemptuous of that trait…well, you’re not a dumb guy, you know perfectly well what that means. You state this guy is no man at all because of traits you find contemptible–what conclusions would you truly have us draw?
FYI, liking pussy is not at all the same thing as liking and respecting women.
Askthepizzaguy, if multiple people are misinterpreting your words, it’s generally a good idea to maybe actually look at your post with their points of view instead of just reflexively defending yourself. I understand that you didn’t intend to say anything misogynistic or homophobic. However, other posters cannot read your mind when they read your posts. So when people say, “whoa, that was offensive!” and you ask why, it’s really shitty to take their explanation and dismiss it because you didn’t intend for it to sound that way. You might not have meant to, but you did. Actually listen to what they’re saying.
Your original post follows with the relevant bits in bold (misogynistic will be blue, homophobic will be red).
Misogynistic
More pussy for me.
You used the word “pussy” to describe your date. “Pussy” in this sentence is either a substitute for “woman” or a substitute for “sex”. Both of these are offensive:
[ul]
[li]Pussy = Woman - You know damn well that in this context, pussy is slang for vagina. Therefore, you are reducing a woman’s value to her vagina and only that. [/li][li]Pussy = Sex - You are assuming that sex is a given after any date. Why? Where’s the woman’s opinion fit in, here? What if she doesn’t want to have sex? And in the context of this thread, this is a blind date. This will be the first time the two meet in person and it’s apparently expected that sex will occur. Wtf?[/li][/ul]
And since I couldn’t nest colors,
a man who is not actually a man at all.
We have two genders and a LOT of insults towards men directly compare them to girls/women. What you wrote strongly appears to do the same.
Homophobic
is a man who is not actually a man at all, but probably a guy who is flirting with the idea of being into dudes.
Grammatically, the way you used “but” makes it a correlative conjunction. As that link explains:
So you say that the guy isn’t “actually a man at all”, then explain what he is instead. This very clearly indicates that “a guy who is flirting with the idea of being into dudes” is not “actually a man at all”.
Additionally, you used a flippant tone to describe the possibility that he’s gay. “Flirting with the idea” is not the same as “struggling with his sexuality” and it’s disingenuous to argue otherwise. Flirting has a very different connotation that is more lighthearted. The first two definitions here for “flirt” as a verb
So to use “flirt” when describing the idea of struggling with his sexuality, you are belittling and dismissing the struggle and pain many SGM (Sexual and Gender Minority) people experience.
You might not have meant for your post to come across as misogynistic or homophobic, but intent is not magic. Your intent doesn’t change the fact you did offend posters. Your intent was good but your post did not match this. It’s far more offensive to keep arguing - as you have! - that everyone else is wrong because you had good intentions instead of saying something like, “oh… whoa, yeah, I can see how you read my post that way. Holy crap, I totally didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry.”
Depends. If, instead of raining, it had been snowing and had put down 7 inches of the white stuff, would you have considered cancelling on him?
Personally I’m happier to go out in 20 inch snowdrifts than to deal with pouring rain. Rain sucks. Except for freezing rain / rainsleet / “winter mix”, rain is the worst “non-disaster” weather there is. Your mileage, of course, may differ, but that’s the point I’m making.
If, on the other hand, you think he should have gone out to meet you in anything short of a weather system to which the meterologists have given a first name, and you yourself would have gone out to meet him under the same weather-circumstances, then never mind, I withdraw my comment.
There are tons of first dates I might agree to and then later feel like backing out on just because I’m tired or something. As far as I know, it’s not because I’m dating the wrong gender. I just think first dates are a chore.
I’m not sure how much effort you can expect from a guy you chatted with online for 20 minutes. It doesn’t even sound like a real date, just a quick meet-up because it’s convenient. Once it was no longer convenient all bets were off. I’m guessing you were thinking of this as a first date and he was thinking hook up. Simple mix up, move on, no harm no foul.
Never attribute something to malice, that could be explained by stupidity.
It seems to me that the OP and a few of the posters are reading a lot into one postponement. If he had the perfect date planned out but it was contingent on decent weather, that’s a possible reason. If he’d been previously injured in an auto accident that took place in a heavy rain, that’s also a possible reason.
You don’t know him hardly at all, let alone well enough to judge intent. So, yeah, in my opinion, you’re overreacting.
That was my immediate impression as well. I ran away from online dating years ago, but my understanding was that “I’m in town for [brief period of time]” means “looking for easy sex” and quite often they are married.
I viewed it differently. If you’re in Northern Europe, rain is pretty common in the winter. Going by public transport is very common. And travelling to a different town doesn’t usually require covering long distances of miles and miles.
Well, thanks for the compliment about us European women, I suppose.
Though I don’t really see it that way, at least in this context, because there’s another factor in play which is that online dating, at least where I live, is not at all common. In fact, the guys I have dated all say all the women, if there are any, are “foreign”. May be European from other countries or not, I haven’t asked. But most local girls here date within their established social cycles. I wouldn’t say that someone “new in town” was totally full of options. I don’t think it was that.
I didn’t bail and I haven’t bailed. He wanted to cancel, I said “Okay, but I’m totally busy this week, so it means I can’t meet you till Sunday.” He chose not to come - so now it’s Sunday. If he asks me on Sunday, and I have nothing else on I’ll still go.
Why will people not believe me when I say I really am that busy? Have too many people used “busy” as an excuse to let you down easy, perhaps? To meet him I would have either cancel work or cancel prior social engagements. Yes, I might have cancelled a social engagement (me and my female friends will let each other bail for “romantic emergencies”) for someone, but why would I do it for someone who won’t make an effort for me? He’s looking to casually hang out. That’s fine. I’m not calling him a demonic fiend for that. But it doesn’t speak of any great desire to meet me, so I’ll match my efforts to his.
Also people, I do not live in the Hunger Games arena. Rain here is just water falling from the sky. It does not kill you or hurt you and it is not some great danger I’m asking my gallant knight to suffer for me. I don’t have a car and travelled through this weather on bus and bike several times this month.
You want people to believe you, but you won’t believe him.
At least that’s my problem here. I have no problem with you saying “I’m busy, gotta postpone”, but then you have to just take his word for it when he says “It’s raining, gotta postpone” and not read into it, assume he’s lying, trying to weasel out, take it personally etc. He can’t make it, he tried to reschedule, take it at face value or cancel the entire thing and move on.
You’re annoyed that he wants to postpone.
He’s annoyed that you’re not willing to postpone.
His reason: rain.
Your reason: work.
Joey P’s problem: you thinking work>rain to the degree that you do.
Fine, you don’t find it acceptable. But the rest of my post stands. Take the excuse at face value reschedule or cancel the entire thing. If you’ve already made up your mind about the guy cancel the entire thing. If you’re never going to meet him (or have already decided you’re not going to like him) cut him free, otherwise you’re being really mean to him and it’s not fair. You’re leading him on.
And she doesn’t know what he meant by ‘rain’. As others have said, that could mean quite a few different things. Maybe when it’s raining he has to go into work.
She just assumed that it meant he doesn’t want to get wet and unless he said that it’s bullshit to assume she knows what he’s thinking.
