I’m a chick, to clear up any confusion… Now, down to business. My last poll was about physical attractiveness, so this time, it’s the opposite.
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
b) how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
d) how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
e) other general advice?
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
Intelligence.
b) how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
Don’t fake. ANYTHING. Don’t fake your interest in our favorite sport. Don’t fake your interest in our favorite author. If you want to learn about what ever it is…ask, just the fact that you asked is a good quality. (and I’m not even going to go into sex on this one…)
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
Don’t friggen assume we know what you want.
We don’t have ESP.
Tell us what you want…I, for one, will break bones and move mountains when my woman (<-- usage not meant as sexist) tells me what she wants.
d) how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
Tough one. I don’t think there is any one good answer to this…but if you follow the answers to “b” and “c” above, you’ll be well on your way.
e) other general advice?
We’re guys…there’s many subtle nuances…but in general- Give us some good loving and keep us fed…we’re simple really.
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think? (Obviously these will vary by person, with some general consistency) I tend to like people who aren’t afraid to say what they really think … beating around the bush, unless you’re teasing someone during a blowjob, can get really tiresome.
b) how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
Don’t fake them. For one reason, not all men are like me (thank Og).
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
Faking stuff just to get a guy. See 2. I need someone who tells me what she’s thinking, what she wants, etc. because I am simply not a mind reader as of yet (damn correspondence courses didn’t work).
d) how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
I’m not entirely aware, given my incredibly paltry dating experience, of what exactly are common mistakes. Just don’t put forth an air that you’re someone apart from who you really know you are. Would you want a guy to make himself out to be someone other than who he was? Unless he were comfortable and/or willing to make that change permanent, you’re dating the temporary change, not the guy.
e) other general advice
I know it’s cliched, but pragmatically it makes no sense to be anyone but yourself on a date. You’re trying to get to know him, right? He’s trying to get to know you. It’s a waste of everyone’s time if you’re trying to be someone else.
Here’s my $0.02
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
Intelligence, Confidence, Sense of Humor
b) how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
Wear glasses, hang out in libraries/bookstores, don’t let talking to men make you nervous, have a few preplanned jokes on hand for certain situations to make it look like you’re quick/witty.
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
Pretending to be something they’re not. If you’re NOT intelligent, confident, or funny, don’t try to fake it.
d) how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
Don’t fake it. Given the examples I used, it is possible to get more intelligent, confident or funny. You can read more and keep up with current events, that way you can hold a conversation, and you’re not PRETENDING to be intelligent, you’re actually talking about things you know. Watch funny movies, hang out with funny people, read books about why people find things funny. You can develop a sense of humor (I’m sure I got mine from my father). And as for confidence, it’s all in your head. Don’t doubt yourself or focus on the negatives.
e) other general advice?
Be yourself. Unless you’re looking to land a one-night stand, (which shouldn’t be hard for women, I wouldn’t think), the guy you’re trying to get will eventually get to know the ‘real’ you. So it saves everyone a lot of trouble if both parties are genuine from the start, IMO.
a) Laughs at my jokes, thinks I am intelligent, is touchy-feely, projects confidence
b)most are easy to fake, for confidence have good posture and good eye contact and make an occasional teasing remark
c)talking too much about their problems, especially dating problems, we don’t want to hear about how much you hate men
d)Avoid talking about previous dates if you can help it, keep smiling and if what you are talking about seems weird to talk about while smiling, change the subject
e)A great move is when he says something remotely funny is to smile wide, laugh, and touch him on the hand or elbow, as if to say “oh, you”. Invade his space, though not in a sexual way. Keep thinking “Be feminine and be fun”
Puddleglum–you’ve just described such a perfect woman that I’m thinking about asking you for her name and number. I get hot just thinking about an imaginary woman with all of those attributes! (I know, I know, call me desperate. It has been a while.)
As a single dad, one other non-physical quality I would add to the list is “likes kids”
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
I like a woman who is 20% tomboy and 80% girlie girl. For example: Maybe you like to watch the occasional game of a single sport…ideally football. (Only 16 games per year for the home team…easiest sport to be a casual fan of.) Or maybe you like a “guy” genre of movies…horror, or action, or sci-fi. Just not fantasy. Way too geeky for a girl. (Sci-fi is borderline.) Or maybe you like a “guy” activity, like golf, or (even better) disc golf, or raquetball, rock scrambling, or whatever. Just as long as it’s not hiking. (I like hiking, but most women say they like hiking to seem outdoorsy. I find that annoying to no end.)
Very important: She must be comfortable with her sexuality.
b) how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
You can’t, but you may find you have genuine interest if you give them a try. I’ll paint you a picture of my ideal woman:
She’s into most typical girlie stuff…makeup, clothes, shoes, gabbing on the phone, etcetera, but not to an extreme. (100 pairs of shoes = run for the hills.)
She roots for the home team in football, and maybe even watches the occasional game. Or hockey. (Mmmm, hockey chicks rule.)
In addition to her strange need to see romantic comedies and my-momma’s-dying dramas, she digs horror movies, despite the fact that they freak her out. Luckily, she can huddle against me during the scary parts.
She is a decent skiier and enjoys the occasional pickup game of tennis.
She masturbates.
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
Don’t discuss our sex life with your friends. If you do, please don’t tell me about your friend’s feedback.
Don’t save up every time you thought I was a dick as ammunition for a future argument.
Ease up on power trips.
d) how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
Let the small stuff go.
e) other general advice?
Differences are good. I don’t know why, but I enjoy having interests that my girlfriend wrinkles her nose in disgust at the thought of. Likewise, I enjoy when she is into things I couldn’t care less about. The key is to have a just enough common interests. At least one of them needs to be an outdoor activity. I taught my last girlfriend to ski, and that was fun as hell.
I guess willingness to try new stuff is the ultimate aphrodisiac. For me, at least. One caveat: know your limitations. Don’t insist on doing something you suck at just to be with your guy. Golf is a prime example.
Hey Seaworthy, I’m assuming you’re looking for advice on how to find/meet/woo a guy? If so, now that I think about it, maybe you should first ask yourself “what kind of non-physical (and/or physical) attributes do I find attractive in a guy?”. Then once you know that, figure out if your current attributes would likely be attractive to him…and I’m sure some, if not all, would be. Then, you can fine-tune aspects of you, if you see the need.
I’m reading the other responses, and for some I’m saying “yeah…yeah…I agree” and for others, I’m saying, “ok, that’s not for me…yuck…I don’t care about that.” So if you’re looking for a general poll, your approach may work, but if you’re looking for something that will work for YOU, maybe you should make your questions more specialized.
Just a little free advice…feel free to take it or leave it.
OK so I shouldn’t fake anything. Let me explain. I had a good idea a lot of you were going to say confidence was something you find attractive in a woman. Confidence is something you can get more of, unlike intelligence and a sense of humor. But to get it, first you have to fake it. That’s what I was thinking of when I said fake it.
I wouldn’t fake interest in golf or basketball, but if it was something I was mildly interested in (like hockey) I’d just pay more attention to hockey.
And Ellis Dee I would never do something I sucked at just to be with a guy. I refuse to play pool with anyone because I suck at it. I don’t make exceptions for guys.
puddleglum I won’t touch anyone like that unless we’re good friends already or have started getting physical. I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know very well and so I don’t want to touch them.
petelin, I have a really odd sense of humor that maybe 2 people (that I don’t even hang out with anymore) understand, so I’ve stopped trying to be funny. The jokes I find funny get no reaction, and the times I say something I think is stupid people laugh hysterically.
I’m a huge tomboy, I’d say 80% tomboy 20% girlie girl. I come across as a raging bulldyke. I don’t shave my armpits because I think it’s hilarious, I wear very little makeup, I usually just wear jeans and t-shirts (although I actually own 2 dresses and a skirt!). I’m a lot girlier than I used to be, but I have a really bad temper and it’s really hard not to hit people that make me angry. I think I’m a little scary, from a guy’s perspective. Actually I am scary. My friends have told me. But I’m a really nice girl, I promise!
And I won’t shave my armpits or act girly to get a guy. I hate (most) girls. I am not a girly girl kinda person, and I decided a long time ago I wasn’t going to let guys decide what kind of person I was going to be.
a) Intelligence and a sense of humor
b) I don’t think you can fake either one, but at least try and be aware of what’s going on (both in the news and in the the-guy-two-tables-over-looks like-he’s going-to-strike-out-with-his-date sense). Also, try to engage him in conversation. Don’t just wait for him to stumble on an interesting topic.
c) “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing”
“Really, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing”
“Something’s bothering you?”
“If I have to explain it, it’s just not worth it!”
Yes, you do have to explain it. And then, expect that we’ll try to tell you how to solve it, and not commiserate with you. We’re guys. That’s what we do.
d) Keep reminding yourself that what you see on the surface is pretty much all we have to offer.
e) to expand on D. Pretty much what you see from a guy in the first few dates is all he’s ever going to be. If he seems extremely self-confident, but is really a jerk, he’ll act jerky. If he acts like a sensitive new-age guy, don’t expect to find a deeply hidden strain of macho in him. Hell, date enough guys and you’ll learn it all in the first 20 minutes.
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
Self-confidence. If you’re asking this question, I already suspect a deficiency.
b) how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
You can’t. But self-conf is something I like, so you’re probably not my type.
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
You’re thinking about it all wrong. The women I’ve dumped are just women I didn’t like being in a relationship with. They didn’t make mistakes. They might look back on it and say “I should have done this” or “I shouldn’t have done that” but that’s not so. The thing is, there’s some guy out there who hopefully likes them – its just not me.
d) how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
A mistake with one guy is a bonus for another.
Let’s say you’re blowing a guy and you decide to stick your finger in his ass. That’s gonna make some guys run like hell. And that’s gonna make some guys come back for more.
e) other general advice?
Basically what I’m saying all ties together. Just be yourself and eventually there’s a guy who will like YOU and that will send all the worrying about “mistakes” or “faking” or “non-physical attractive attributes” right out the window.
I like self-confidence. I like a woman who will take me down a peg when I deserve it. I like a woman who has a lot of her own interests so that I’m not the focus and I can focus on my own things.
But there’s some guys who like a timid little dainty flower who keeps her trap shut.
If you’re one, don’t try to be the other because that ain’t gonna work out for either of you.
a) what non-physical attributes do you find attractive in a woman?
I like someone that smiles and laughs easily, she’d have to be open to trying new things but down to earth where spending a night at home with a good movie is comparable with going out. I definetely consider having a high-sex drive to be a good quality to have 
And though its not required, I’d like someone with an interest in music, movies, and books for conversational reasons.
b) **how can I get (or fake) these good qualities?
**
Actually a good place for a girl (or guy) to learn proper etiquette regarding behavior towards others would be Dale Carnegie’s book “How to win friends and influence people”. Its what I plan on teaching my children as it has a very solid foundation in dealing with puny humans
c) what’s the biggest mistake women make with men?
Overt jealousy, not respecting our need to be with our friends every so often even if they’re not invited along. I also hate it when women don’t show much initiative in suggesting places to go to, things to do, etc.
d) **how can I avoid making the common mistakes?
**
Just use your head, don’t let emotion make your decisions for you. There’s a reason why people stress “trust” as an important quality of every relationship.
e) other general advice?
Just show interest in the person, genuine interest in who he is would probably be the best advice I can think of right now. Everyone wants to feel appreciated.
Calling yourself a chick is a good start. It’s sexy.
That’s tough. I had a huge, vague laundry list and then I thought about the women I’ve been mosted attracted to personality-wise. They’ve generally had at least one of these: smart, curious, funny, nice, cool, bawdy but not dirty. Oh, and being “bouncy.”
Smart: If you’re in school, take up debate. Otherwise, um, I guess reading science and reading The Economist would be a good start. I’m not sure.
Curious: I don’t know how to fake or learn that. I would value that more than smarts. I think I’d rather be w/ a dummy who is curious about the world than a genius who isn’t. Operationally, I guess it is stopping what you’re doing to see or think about or talk about something interesting; hearing about facts or concepts and taking a little time to look them up and learn a bit more.
Funny: IIRC, Drew Carey learned to write jokes from books like “How to Write Jokes,” or something to that effect. If you can fake laugh convincingly, then just do that at my jokes and I probably won’t notice if you don’t make any of your own.
Nice: Be nice. If you’re a bitch, be a bitch to everybody but me.
Cool: I can’t help w/ that indefinable thing that is cool. However, you can be cool in other ways, as in “Play it cool, dude.”
Bawdy: Goose another woman now and again. This is another one I’m not too good at defining well.
Bouncy: I don’t even know what that means. I just know that the women who’ve been described as “bouncy” have been really attractive to me.
W/ men, or w/ me? I’m pathologically shy w/ women. If we had sex, I’d still think you weren’t interested in me. You might want to go w/ somebody else’s advice on this one.
You can’t. That’s why they’re common. I’m kidding, of course. I don’t have enough experience & I’ve got that shy thing going on. Not waiting for me to call, lots of touching, and scratching my back a lot will get you a long way.
Don’t take advice from strangers over the internet. I’m kidding again. Generally speaking, I would strong advise learning to shoot pool, taking judo (or bjj, sambo, or some other grappling art), & wear perfume. I’m not much of a billiards man, but shooting pool with a woman is a great, low-pressure way to spend time w/ a person. It’s sexy. Judo, etc., is good for confidence, and I think that shows through, and it will make you much more fun to wrestle with. I also think that the non-sexual physical contact in the dojo is healthy. I like girls who smell girly. Opium is my favorite.
Perhaps I should amend my list.
See, I think I’m an awesome chick. I also think I’m pretty. The problem is I don’t think other people agree with me. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in 5 years, and although I’ve gotten laid in the meantime (it’s not exactly hard for a girl to get laid), I just can’t seem to find a guy who wants a relationship. The two guys in the past 5 years who were interested in a relationship, well, one found out that his recent ex was pregnant, so he broke things off with me, and the other guy had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship and decided a couple months into us dating that he just wasn’t ready for something serious.
But in 5 years of being single, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I won’t be one of those girls that gets sucked into a relationship and only defines herself as “so-and-so’s girlfriend.” I won’t be clingy, because I’ve got my own friends that I like to do girly things with (like go dancing) so I’m not dragging some guy along when he’d rather be watching football with his friends.
I’m not a jealous person, my last boyfriend was allowed to do whatever he wanted and hang out with whoever he wanted as long as I knew where he was. I let him go hang out with an ex-girlfriend that he was still friends with because I trusted him.
And I’ve watched my friends for 5 years and seen the mistakes they make in their relationships, so I doubt I’m going to make them in mine. I know now not to pick fights over stupid things, and get angry if he forgets my favorite color (one of my friends did that once, I’m not kidding).
So I think I’d be an awesome girlfriend, it’s just I can’t find a guy. I have a limited circle of friends, and I’m a little shy. I’m really uncomfortable at parties unless I know most of the people, and I don’t go talk to guys in bars unless I’m already drunk. And I think after so many years alone, I’m getting desperate. I know that’s bad. I think the loser guys can sense the desperation, because they hit on me an awful lot.
Is the raging bulldyke thing really bad? I think I don’t get guys because… well, guys just consider me to be “one of the guys.” And I don’t want to have to change for a guy, I like myself the way I am. Should I ever consider changing myself to get a guy? I suppose I could shave my armpits, I only don’t because I think it’s funny. And I am reasonably intelligent and informed about current events. Nothing to change there.
I don’t know, I’m sick of being single, and all the guys I know either aren’t interested in me or are assholes.